just a little bit naughty ...

2007-10-16T00:34:00.000-07:00

It seems that S will be coming to town for a few days in early November. We're planning to meet up and fuck our brains out. Then he'll get back on a plane and head back to TO. I'm excited for the good sex, more excited for the no strings attached. Relationships or the hope of them is too fucked up for me to deal with these days, so sex that I know will rock my socks off with no messy emotional fall-out sounds just about perfect.

He emailed me today to let me know he'd be out. Sound like the birthday present I've been waiting for.

2007-09-23T12:09:00.000-07:00

S and I have continued to email back and forth, and they have become increasingly sexual. I took a few photos and sent them to him after he expressed interest numerous times and seemed it make it worth my while ... but I haven't heard from him since I sent the photos which was about five days ago. Whatever.

I got myself a cat because I wanted someone to come home to, and he's absolutely adorable. Right now he's cuddled up next to me as I try to type on my laptop, purring away and trying to get my attention by biting my sleeve.

I haven't hung out with any of my friends in ages, and I feel completely out of the loop and actually pretty lonely. I don't ever have people calling me up and asking what I'm dong. If I want to do something, I'm always the one who has to phone. I guess it's just a low self-esteem kind of day, and rather than staying home and sinking into it, I'm going to go for a walk and get some fresh air. It won't make my problems go away but I'm sure I'll feel slightly better for it.

2007-08-04T00:09:00.000-07:00

There is this private hidden part of me that really wants the fairytale wedding and marriage and living happily ever after with the kids and the dogs and cats and growing old together and all that stuff. And I can't ever admit to it because I've spent the last six years promoting the fact that I am independent and don't need a guy and don't want a fairytale wedding and saying I don't want kids. (I really didn't want kids when I said that - it's just that I may have changed my mind. Maybe. Haven't fully decided on that one yet.) I've been looking at wedding photos of a wedding I went to recently and I'm jealous, and I've boxed myself into a corner by pretending that I neither need nor want a partner when in actual fact, I do want a partner. It's partly that I keep meeting guys who fall far below my standards, but it's also that I've created a shell around myself to keep anyone from getting too close in that department. Or I find myself a guy who's patently emotionally unavailable and fall for him because I know that it's not going to go anywhere.

*sigh*

I think I'm lonely.

2007-08-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

According to the email I got back, he went to the lawyer today. Hmm. My response was: "You went today! Alright, I'll take you at your word." Then I sent him a picture of my bum with the smiley face he drew on it the night before he back to Ontario for Christmas with the caption "Remember this?" I don't have any new pictures so I sent him that one as a teaser ... I guess I'll have to break out the camera and see what I can do.

2007-07-30T23:53:00.000-07:00

S emailed me when I was away on my trip. I had sent out the address to my travel blog to pretty much everyone in my address book but if I had had to guess one person who wouldn't read it, it would have been him. But he said that he had been following along with my adventures and wondered how I was.

I waited two weeks to email him back, until I was home in Vancouver. I sent him a short message saying that I was home now and that I was doing well and I asked about Toronto and how it was treating him. I didn't think I'd get a response very quickly but he emailed me back the next day. Said that work was good and he wasn't sure yet if he was going to stay there or come back to Vancouver but he'd know after this contract that he was working on.

I waited almost a week before replying, and when I did I said that I hoped that if he does come back to Vancouver I would love it if he let me know because it would be awesome to see him again.

He sent another one back, being funny and asking if he was reading between the lines properly and that I was offering to send him more pictures, like I did at Christmas when I sent him a few of my ass. His exact words in the email were: "did you say you are going to send me some photos of you , your ass,, those perfect twins and what ever else you can fit on your pc" because apparently he's lonely out there and has no time to go "hunting".

I emailed back right away, asking if I was reading between the lines correctly in that he is not getting back together with his wife, because I don't want to send pictures if I am just a diversion while he figures out what is going on there. I think that's fair. I have no problem with taking pictures of myself and sending them to him, but I do not want to have him drop that particular bombshell on me again.

I'm confused about how I feel on the whole thing. I really wish that things could have been different between us, but I was so tongue-tied around him that I don't think he got to know me all that well. Plus there was the selfish never calling thing, and the working all the time thing, and never being available to make plans thing. But then there was the calling me sunshine thing, and rocking my socks off in bed thing, and making my heart skip a beat and my stomach drop thing just by looking at me a certain way or seeing his name on my call display.

I had a date on Friday with a nice man who I ended up going home with and having sex with, but I had to call it off because the sex wasn't like sex with S. And if he is to be the comparison that I now make with all other takers, I may never have sex again. It took me 27 years to find someone who could actually make me orgasm, who likes to have sex the way I like to have sex, without any coaxing or instructions from me because we both just like it that way and so therefore it worked. I now know that there is at least one person out in the world that I am sexually compatible with but considering that I am now over 20 in my personal "have had sex with" list and only one of them has been compatible, and the number jumps over 20 if we include people I have kissed or made out with or given head to, or any number of things that don't include penis-in-vagina which is still my personal definition for me of what sex is, and still I didn't have chemistry with any of those people like I had chemistry with S.

My point is that I may be sending pictures off into the void and get no return on them except knowing that he's jacking off to them, which is a pretty big compliment but doesn't get me anywhere. There's the possibility that he may never come back to Vancouver and since I hardly ever go to Toronto (pretty much only when I'm forced to) there's the chance that I may never see him again. And yet, there's the chance that if I keep up dialogue with him, things may happen. He may get to know me better. He may want to get to know me better. He may come back to Vancouver for other reasons and be sure to call me because of the fact that we've kept in touch, even in such a casual way.

In very simple words - I may get hurt again. And I'm wondering if it's worth it, for a small chance at some kind of happiness (or sexual satisfaction) with this man, to risk getting my heart broken. Again.

But of course I do know that if he confirms that he and his wife are not getting back together (and why wouldn't he say it, even if it's not true - I can only trust to his honesty) that I will send him pictures. It's flattering as all hell that the one man who I want in the world wants pictures of me to jack off to. There's all those beautiful girls on the internet that one can look at for free and yet he wants to look at me. I don't want to try to read things in here that aren't actually there, but maybe it means that sex with me was as good for him as it was for me? And maybe what we had isn't common among other people - maybe he wants to look at pictures of me and remember being in bed with me, with my "perfect twins". I can dream, can't I?

I know that I may be stupid to follow this through, but once again, I don't care. Y just asked me about S the other day and all I had to say was that he had emailed me but that I had waited a while to email him back. She wondered how I felt about him now and I said, honestly at the time, that he was in Ontario and I was here, and that even if he were here I wasn't sure that I would do anything anyway. I had a date - I thought I was moving on! Anyway, she just asked about him so she won't be doing so any time soon, and I may just keep this to myself. Let it be my little secret, the same way that I kept my thoughts about him while I was away all to myself. I didn't blog about it, even though I wanted to. I didn't tell anyone that I had to constantly push him out of my thoughts, almost every day at the beginning, that the thought of him made me cry a few times in my first couple weeks away. No one knew that. It was better that way - I don't like to show weakness and feeling this much for one person makes me feel vulnerable and exposed. I don't want to show that to anyone, so I think that this will remain a secret for now.

2007-07-24T10:22:00.000-07:00

I got back from a two month trip last week and I just have to share that I have never masturbated so much in such a short time. Granted, I couldn't do so when away because I was always sharing space with other people, but it's getting ridiculous. Last night for three hours straight!!!

2007-05-07T01:21:00.000-07:00

Haven't seen S since the last time I posted, but he's phoned me twice in the past two weeks or so, both times leaving me messages because I haven't been paying attention to my phone. Hockey and everything, ya know?

I've called him back once and left him a message saying that I'm going away in just over a week and it would be awesome to see him before I go, especially since when I get back, he's probably going to be back in Ontario working on a movie, and who knows when we'll see each other again?

I have a theory about him. Putting things together from what he's said and how he's responded to me, I think that he doesn't like it when a girl puts her interest "out there" too much. I think that even though I was trying to be extra careful about that, I still pushed a little too far and caused him to need space. Therefore, he either made up or embellished the reconciliation with his wife to push me away to an emotionally comfortable level. It explains the fact that he called me four days after dropping the bombshell, wanting to chat and be friends. It explains the fact that he called me five days after the bombshell, wanting to hook up. It explains why he now calls me when before he didn't. It explains why his wife cancelled his credit cards just a couple weeks ago. It explains why he is still in Vancouver and not back in Ontario. It explains why his wife is not in Vancouver. And it explains why the topic of his wife is off-limits now, when before he talked about her, and his marriage, and told me things the first night that we met that were pretty confidential.

Yeah. He thought I wouldn't figure him out, but being put at a distance gave me some interesting perspective. And ya know, I'm okay with things as they are. I am way too busy at the moment to want to devote a lot of time or energy to any one person. I don't require a lot of sex because I can get myself off a whole lot better than anyone other than S ever could, so hooking up occasionally for awesome sex is working out just fine. I don't even want to play these days - I've gone into one of my stages where I don't want a lot of physical contact with other people, and I've learned to trust these feelings because I've ended up before in situations where I have allowed physical contact and then felt really ... weird about the whole situation. Almost like it was non-consensual, even though it completely wasn't. Was. That last sentence is not doing well, grammatically. Anyway, don't care - it's 1:30 in the morning and either you'll understand my gist or you'll think bad bad things. Either way is a-okay.

2007-04-12T01:17:00.000-07:00

Annnnd it was just as bad as I suspected it would be. T tried to make conversation all night - I resolutely ignored him and didn't make eye contact. I was fucking busy watching hockey for goodness sake! L made stupid comments which made me heave large sighs, which made Y look over at me and giggle to herself because she knew what I was feeling.

Friday night I will be at my brother's house, watching with real fans. Y and M asked me about Sunday's game and I hedged but I already know that I will not be watching any more games at their house. It's just not right to watch any high pressure games and not be with my bro. Olympics, Stanley Cup playoffs, World Juniors - it's always us and whoever wants to join in. The rules are simple. Watch the game. Don't talk unless it's hockey talk. Eating and cooking is done during the intermissions. Most importantly - watch the game.

At least we won. If we had lost after all that (136:06 minutes in total) and I had been forced to spend time with T and L - I would have been severely pissed. As it is, I'm happy and now I am off to bed.

G'night.

2007-04-11T00:25:00.000-07:00

So playoffs are starting, and I think that after tomorrow night I will be abandoning M and Y for watching with my brother. Y doesn't really care about the game and she is on her computer all the time. That I could deal with. But L and T have decided that they also want to be part of the hockey ritual and I just can't deal with them. L thinks that she knows what the fuck is going on, so she makes completely inane comments that show her up to be an idiot to anyone who knows anything about the sport. T doesn't even like hockey so I don't know why he comes. He doesn't really want to watch it at all.

Tomorrow I have already made plans to watch at Y and M's and I found out about 10 minutes ago that L and T are coming. It's too late to get out of it now. But Friday I have already made plans with the bro and his friends, and I'll just roll with that from here on out. Because when my team is in the playoffs, I need to be watching with people who understand what's at stake.

Believe in Blue.

2007-03-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

I could almost think I imagined last night, if it weren't for the little bit of soreness, and the toys drying beside the sink in the bathroom.

As I was going home from watching the game at Y and M's, I drove past his house and his truck was there! I called him and we chatted briefly. He asked who won the game and I said that we did. "Funny - I didn't know you played," was his response. I said that we clinched a playoff spot with our win tonight and he said, "To celebrate, I think I should fuck you."

"YES! Yes. I think so too! Very enthusiastic yes please!"

He said he would take a bath, then come over to my house. I sped home, had a shower, and cleaned my house (because I like people to think that I live in a spotless house - it's just a thing of mine). Then I sat and twiddled my thumbs for a good while because he was taking his time. He finally got here around 12:15. I got up to kiss him hello and ... yeah. The chemistry. As soon as our lips touched, I felt the tingle in my clit. When he bit down on my lower lip, my legs got weak. He took my hands and placed them firmly on his cock which was already hard. Mmmm.

I broke the kiss and said, "You were mean last night, with those things that you said!"

He said, "What things?" and I - for some bizarre reason - got shy and couldn't say them.

"You know what you said," was my response.

He sat in my La-Z-Boy and was loving it. He said that he was in Starbucks earlier that day and that he was looking at the coffee makers and he wants one. I asked if it was the espresso machine or the drip maker that he wants and he said both because it would be nice to have both when he gets his house. (So what does that mean? He's *not* moving back to Ontario and back into his ex's house???) I mentioned that I get a 30% discount and that they are on sale right now and he did his, "Really ... We might have to do something with that." He asked if I had any wine and I scrounged up a bottle of red - he's a white guy but he enjoyed it. It was Little Penguin Shiraz which is one of my favourite reds. As I was pouring it he was standing at my counter, looking at the coffee that I have sitting on the counter. He asked if I get a discount on the coffee too and I said yes but we also get a pound free every week. He asked what I do with it and I said that I barter it. He said that he wanted some and I said, "It'll cost ya."

"How much?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

"Mmmm... orgasms, I think," I replied.

Then he said, "Lets see your toys." We took our wine into my room and I showed him the hitty toys hanging on the wall, and then we sat on the bed and I showed him all the sex toys I have. I have quite a few! I haven't looked at any of them for quite some time! The one toy that he did want to use was out of batteries but he said the rest of it would do just fine.

I was sitting on the bed, my legs out straight and my hands between my legs. He came and straddled my hips, trapping my hands underneath him. He pushed one spaghetti strap down and pulled out my left breast. Squeezed the nipple hard enough to make me gasp. Repeated the process on the other side. I pulled my hands free and slid them under his shirt, pulling on his nipple ring. Then I slid them down to his pants and undid them and pulled out his cock. I love his cock. Immediately I had to have my mouth on him, so I bent my head and started sucking. He tangled his hand in my hair and held me still as he fucked my mouth.

Then, suddenly, he pulled away and with his hand still in my hair he threw me over onto my stomach. My socks were discarded and my pants were ripped off my body. I could feel that I was dripping wet and he hadn't even touched me yet.

I felt a tapping on my clit and realized that he had grabbed my wooden paddle. I love that paddle but it sure does pack a wallop if someone decides to hit hard with it. He didn't hit that hard - he just really liked the inside of my thighs. He had my legs spread with one knee bent so that he could really get at them. I heard him chuckle when he did the first real stinger and I moaned and flinched - but immediately put myself back into the position. If he felt that I didn't move quickly enough, his hand would come down on the opposite leg, holding me open for the smack. Then there would be some across my ass, then he would hit directly onto my clit. I was moaning and wriggling and oh so wet.

He came around to my head, grabbed my hair and thrust his cock into my mouth. I greedily started sucking. He pulled my tank top off at this point and his shirt too so we were both naked. I was deep throating his cock and he was fucking my mouth when suddenly his hand pulled me off and shoved my face at his balls. I started sucking and licking, turning my head to get at that sweet spot right behind his balls. His fingers found my clit and I was gone. First orgasm of the night but most definitely not the last.

I got my breath back after that orgasm and flipped over so that I was on my back, my head between his legs so that I could really get to his balls and the sweet spot. He started pinching my thighs and ass and nipples, making me moan and squirm and whimper when he got a good spot.

Then - he was done here. Threw me back on my stomach and suddenly I felt the tip of a vibrator rubbing against my clit. The hardness of it felt so good. It didn't at the time but it reminds me now of when he used the bottom edge of his beer bottle on me at his house once and had me cumming all over the place. Then he thrust it into me. I haven't had anything in me since the last time he and I had sex which was weeks ago, so it took a moment to adjust but then it felt fabulous. He was just using the first couple inches and was twisting it around as well as in and out. I was gone. Pushing back on it, whimpering, moaning, cumming.

He got up and rustled around with the sex toys and I knew what was coming next. When he got back on the bed I heard the lube bottle snap open and I was certain. I still had the vibrator in me, still not turned on, and I was quivering because it has been so long since anything of any size larger than a finger has been in my ass. He held my ass cheeks apart and I felt the lube drip down. I was breathing so hard at this point - a little anticipation, a little fear. Then the tip of a plug started pushing it's way in and I relaxed. And I am so glad that I did because it felt so fucking amazing. He was fucking me with the vibrator and the plug and I was writhing around, pushing back and trying to get more. He pulled the vibrator out and I was just left with the plug which was making me feel things in my ass that I hadn't felt since Jason first used a plug on me, all those years ago. I had an orgasm just from the plug.

He was manipulating the plug with one hand while smacking me with the paddle or the slapper with his other hand. I would push back because the plug felt so good and then would get a smart smack of the paddle. It was all just sensation. Then, the vibrator came back and this time he turned it on. It was hitting my g-spot and I was out of control. I was squirming and writhing and started not just moaning but "oh my god!"ing. "Shut up," he growled. I clamped my mouth shut, trying hard not to let any sound escape while having one of the largest orgasms of my life. This cycle continued a few times, each time the orgasm getting stronger. I thought I was going to shake right off the bed! He grabbed my hair and pulled my head back so that I was arched backwards. I was moaning and whimpering and couldn't stop even though I knew I had been told to shut up. His hand came and clamped over my mouth. I put my hand over his to keep him from moving it and I stopped breathing. The sensation was too intense - I was tensing everything, all coiled tension and then - bam! The best orgasm of my life. So intense. Started breathing again, in little gasps.

And then he switched gears. He pushed me flat on the bed and my flogger came gently down across my shoulders and stroked across my back, my ass, my thighs. So nice. Again. One more time. Then - 'smack' with the paddle when the flogger lifted away. I twitched like I had been given an electric shock. I never knew when the paddle was going to fall, or where. He loved the reaction he got from my inner thighs so he focussed there quite a bit.

And then it was his turn. He lay down, propped up on my pillows, and pulled me around by my hair, shoving my mouth onto his cock. I was lying between his legs so I scooted around until I could get a hand between his legs. I sucked my middle finger to get it wet, then stroked his sweet spot and anus. He *loves* that. I rewet my finger and pushed it in a little, stroking his cock with my mouth to the same rhythm as my finger pushing in and out and around. He was moaning, just a little, so I knew I had the right thing going on. I think he might have even said, "Right like that," which is helpful because I haven't ever touched another guy like I touch him.

It didn't take him long. "I'm gonna cum!" and then ... yummy. I almost choked but I got to practise my technique of swallowing while there is still a cock in my mouth. It took four swallows to get it all down. I would do that every day if he let me. I love giving him head.

He was relaxing against the pillows and I was still between his legs, my head resting on his thigh. I somewhat sat up and found a glass of wine and had a sip. Mentioned that my makeup must be all over my face and he replied, "Yep. Your hair is a bit of a mess too." I laughed. It always is after sex with him. I love that he uses my hair to put me in whatever position he wants me in, or to direct my head and mouth to where he wants it.

"Should be good for a pound of coffee ... or four," he said. I giggled and said yes and lay back down. He said, "I can feel your heart beating in my thighs!" I think my heart was still trying to get back to normal after all the orgasmic yumminess. I moved to his side and was stroking his chest. I didn't want to stop touching him.

"That was a booty call," I sighed.

"For you, maybe. For me it was work!" he said.

"I seem to recall you getting some at the end there!" I protested.

We lay there quietly for a couple minutes, then I asked who his roommate was. He said it was some guy that he works with, and I said, "Not the Japanese girl?"

"No. She said she loved me, so she had to go."

"Oh. Did you know her from before?" I asked. He said yeah. I knew she was the sister of the girlfriend of one of his friends but I hadn't realized that he knew her. Anyway, I like the fact that his roommate is a guy. Even if there's no relationship potential here, at least it's not that he's getting fucked all the time at home by some sweet submissive Japanese girl.

"And after all that, you didn't even do what you said you wanted to do, last night," I said.

"What did I say?"

"'I want to lick you'".

"Hmm. That was yesterday." Too bad, because I do love his tongue. Not that I'm complaining! But I do love his tongue.

He said that he had to go soon because he was working at 4. We talked about his work briefly and I asked about when he was going back to Ontario for the movie or show or whatever. He said he didn't know, and shut down the conversation. I wanted to ask about his ex but it wasn't the time - we were naked and enjoying the afterglow of our orgasms together. Not the time to ask about whether he's planning to get back together with his wife or if they have decided to divorce after all. I mean, I'd like to know - but not right then.

He thought my reactions were amusing. "You didn't know what was going on or what you were gonna get!"

I agreed. "It was like 'mm that's good more of that oh ow no that one mm I want that but if I push back for more of it I get the other thing ... can I stand the other thing? yes I think so ow maybe not!'"

We got up and got dressed. I was looking at my thighs as he pulled his pants on and he said, "Yes, you have marks!" I kissed him goodbye and he asked for me to look into the price for the coffee makers. I said I would, and I would phone him and let him know. I watched him go - realized that he had parked in the alley so he must have remembered the way after I got him in the general neighbourhood. He had only been to my house once before but he was driving then too and I know that if I drive somewhere, I tend to remember how to get there again. I had given him directions to park out on the street and hadn't realized that he had come up the alley. It didn't matter though - my housemates wouldn't have been going anywhere at after midnight.

I fell asleep almost the instant the light was turned out. I didn't even think to see if any of the pillows smelled like him and to sleep with that one. He was wearing a little of his cologne which I love: Swiss Army.

So yeah. The sex was fabulous, as always. Due to the coffeemaker, I think we'll be seeing each other again. I felt a little discombobulated when he left because it really was a booty call. He came over, we make some short conversation, then had sex and he left. We haven't ever had sex and not spent the night together, so I think that was part of it.

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I am so busy for the next week and a half that it doesn't matter, but then I will have four weeks or so off before school starts up again for the summer and I head off to Europe. There is no time for a relationship and I don't think he wants one. The tone that he used when he said that the Japanese girl had said that she loved him was the same as the look I got when we were having that "final" conversation and I said that I had fallen for him for the first night we met. I think he thought at the time that I was going to say in love but I said 'infatuated' instead and the look went away.

It is a weight - when someone loves you and you don't or can't love them back. He's not ready for that. I think that the plan of attack should be to keep things light and fun and sex-based for the next month and a bit before I leave for Europe. I'll be gone for 10 weeks and who knows what will happen in that time. He may go back to Ontario, either to work or to reconcile. He may stay in Vancouver. He may get a girlfriend here, or another sex buddy, or whatever.

Who knows? It's not something that I can think about or worry about. It just is what it is and that will be enough.

2007-03-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

Unfair tactics? Yeah, I'll say so!

S called me last night but I had my ringer off since I was at the coffee shop doing homework. I saw it about 45 minutes afterwards, so I called him back. He was kinda sleepy but not so sleepy that he couldn't tease the hell out of me and refuse to let me come over. Payback for making him horny at work the other night.

Yeah - I could barely string two words together in a sentence. He was saying things like, "I want to lick you," or "I'm going to make you cum so hard ... " I tried to get him back and I really tried to convince him to let me come over but he was sticking to his guns that tonight wouldn't work. Probably better because I have this presentation to write this morning that I am giving later today, but damn it I wanted the sex.

He said that he might not go to work today, in which case he'll call me. In fact, his words were, "Maybe I won't go to work in the morning and I'll fuck you hard before you go to school." Good thing I had the car stopped at this point because I was in no shape to be working heavy machinery.

He also mentioned that tonight might be better. I said that I am watching the game at Y and M's but I would be done around 10, but he might be working tonight like he's been working every other night since ... forever!

Even though I was so turned on and being left high and dry, I thought that it was pretty cool that he called and did this. It means that he is into the booty call and that he is also into being Mr Funny-Man with me again.

And I know that this is a strange way to be dealing with the situation but I feel good about the fact that I haven't had sex with anyone else. When we hook up eventually, if he asks or says anything about it, I can be honest and say nope, that I wasn't interested in getting it from anyone else except him.

It would have been nice to have been able to sleep a little better last night, but that's okay. Hopefully some rockin' sex is in my near future. *grin*

2007-03-27T00:23:00.000-07:00

I managed to extricate myself from the date with the older gentleman with not too much trouble.

Went to Y and M's party and although I had a great time, I wasn't feeling it the way I normally do. For example, although I lost my shirt and bra (Dan just can't stand seeing me wearing clothes *lol*) I ended up putting them back on, even though I was only getting good comments. I just wasn't feeling sexy like that. I mean, I was flirting like a fiend with the world in general (the liquid chocolate is just such a good prop to make people want you) and with D and Lori in particular. D and I have even made a date to make a date to do a little otk. I haven't done otk since ... Jason. Wow. And I know that D can be pretty intense and I don't know if I'm ready to get intense with anyone, let alone a casual encounter.

Y played with our 24 year old Brit who is leaving in May and apparently it was fabulous and she highly recommends that I try him out before he leaves. But - they fucked and I'm not sure that I want to have sex with anyone. It's strange - it's like I'm waiting for S and yet I know that there is no future there.

I finally talked to him, a few days ago. I called him to try to find out when he would not be working (never - seriously, the guy never stops working) and he told me that he is going back to Toronto to work on a show or a movie or something. I don't know if that means that him and his ex are planning a reconciliation. I don't know if he'll ever come back to Vancouver, even though he said that he still wants to make this his home. I don't know if we'll even manage to hook up before he leaves. I did say that at the very least I would like it if he called me to say goodbye when he goes back to Ontario, because I would find it very sad if he just left without saying goodbye.

As long as that's there, though, I'm not interested in anything or anyone else. I just want him so fucking badly.

There's a large part of me that wishes we never met, because then I wouldn't know what I was missing.

2007-03-24T10:09:00.000-07:00

I met a man last night, a friend of a friend of a friend. There were a few of us out for dinner and he came to join us for drinks and dessert. He's quite a bit older than me but we were flirting and it was fun to be testing the power of my flirt again. He came outside to keep me company while I had a smoke and he kissed me. It was alright. Nothing terribly exciting but I could probably suck it up for the lifestyle that he was promising me.

He has a boat and has invited me out on it when the weather gets nicer. I joked about wanting diamonds. When I mentioned that I would love to see an opera, he said he would take me.

He got a little too touchy-feely after the kiss - not inappropriately but when we were all sitting in the lounge after dinner he had his hand around my waist, stroking my skin under my sweater. Stuff like that.

I gave him my number and invited him to Y and M's party that happens tonight.

But.

S and I have been talking a wee bit over the last few days. I sent him a text just over a week ago saying, "I know that this is not what we agreed to but ... can I interest you in a booty call?" He called me about an hour later saying he had just seen my text and that yes, he was very interested but unfortunately he was on his way to work. We took a rain check.

This past Thursday it had been a week and he hadn't called (he works like a fiend!) so I sent him a text around 10pm saying, "Your choice. 1. You really have been working a lot. 2. You didn't mean it when you said yes to a booty call. 3. I'm touching myself and thinking about you... which one do YOU want to be true?"

An hour later, give or take, I sent another one that said, "oh! oh god! Ohhhh! Mmmm... you're good. Better in person though. PS. looks like option 3 was the right choice. *grin*"

My phone rang about 10 minutes later but cut out. I called him back but as soon as he answered it cut out. I think they must have been working somewhere with bad reception.

The next day he called me in the afternoon while I was in class, so he left me a message. I snuck out to the bathroom to listen to it and he said, "Hey it's me. Unfair tactics. I was at work all night and I had to think about that. Hmm. I owe you. Ciao."

To which I responded in a text: "Unfair tactics? No! It never occurred to me that I might be making things 'hard' for you... *giggle*"

I was driving home from dropping Y off last night and all I could think about was S. It's not fair to get involved with someone else when my heart is still given elsewhere. I felt really uncomfortable about the whole thing with this new man, so I slept on it and woke up today realizing that when he calls, I am going to have to step up to the plate and tell him that I am sorry but I am not ready to be in an intimate relationship with anyone right now. I thought that I was and I wasn't trying to tease him last night, but I realized when I got home that I was not ready and I'm sorry but I'm going to have to cancel our date for tonight.

It will be awkward and I'll feel like throwing up when it happens, but it's the only ethical way to move forward.

2007-03-15T09:33:00.000-07:00

The strangest thing has been happening. I have been starring in my masturbational fantasies for the past couple months. It started with me thinking about sexual escapades with S, then moved into imagining new escapades with S, and now that I refuse to allow myself to think about him for longer than 5 seconds (the length of time to start thinking about him, then realize what I'm doing and resolutely push him out of my brain), I've been imagining me with various other people, known and unknown.

This is different from the past x years where I have always fantasized about other people. It's like in a dream, where you are you, but you are someone else? You know that this isn't actually you but for the duration of the dream, it's you? Yeah, it's like that. I have never been *me* in my fantasies, until just lately.

It's interesting. A little uncomfortable too, because I tend to fantasize about stuff that I would never want to actually happen to me, like rape and other non-consensual activities. Or guy-on-guy stuff which is impossible for me to experience except vicariously. But these days, it's all about me.

2007-03-02T00:10:00.000-08:00

I think he's gone.

I phoned him to see if he was attending the dungeon party on Saturday, the one where we originally met. His phone was turned off, which was weird. I left a breezy message, just saying hi and asking about the party. I asked him to call back. He hasn't called back. That is also weird.

And I haven't seen his truck outside his house at all in the past couple of days. Since I called and got silence in return, I got curious so I've driven by a few times. There is no glow coming through the window from his laptop that he always leaves on.

So. I think he's gone. Back. To her.

Which makes sense. I was just saying to Guns two nights ago that he should have gone back already. After all, if I was his wife and we had started having conversations about getting back together, I would be saying "Honey, come home. Please." They can't possibly decide whether they want to be together unless they are together.

Still. If he's gone ...

It's good.

It needs to be done.

But - a little lonely.

2007-02-25T21:36:00.000-08:00

I just came back from a weekend away, trying to get my mind away from S.

It worked, for most of the weekend. On the bus on the way back into town I started drowning in memories...

It was hard to push them aside. Hard not to cry. Hard to realize that even though letting him go with a clean conscience was the best thing I could have done, for him and for me, it's not going to be easy to forget him.

2007-02-20T12:59:00.000-08:00

He called me on Friday.

I was over at Y and M's, having an absolutely wonderful time with them and L. We were drinking and laughing and I wasn't thinking about S at all. At about 2:30 I was getting my stuff together to leave, checked my phone, and saw I had a message from him that he left around 12:30. I listened to it but he was talking really quietly and I couldn't quite get what he wanted, so I called him back.

He had fallen asleep on his couch and my phone call woke him up. He was a little loopy as people are when they are trying to have a conversation after being asleep. I asked why he called and he said he was just wondering what I was doing. I said that I was leaving Y and M's and he just said, "oh." I asked if he wanted me to come over and he didn't come right out and say it but that's clearly what he wanted. However, I figured if he didn't want to ask, I wasn't going to make it easy for him. Then he asked what time it was and when I said 2:30 he said that he had to get up at 7 to go to work so it would be better if I didn't come over. No problem. We hung up.

I sat on the couch and smoked three cigarettes in quick succession, trying to figure out what the hell this meant. He had been very clear during the conversation on Tuesday when he informed me that he was probably getting back together with his wife that we would not be having sex again until he knew what was going on with her. And now this?

At 3:20 I stood up to leave and realized that he'd called again at 3:10. I phoned him back but pretended that I had just got home. I think that he was holding back in the first conversation because he didn't want Y and M to know what was going on. Maybe feeling a little embarrassed or whatever. Anyway, he asked what I was doing now, and I said that I had just walked in the door at my house. He said, "Oh..." and so I asked him straight out, "Do you want me to come over?" He responded, "That's up to you." I laughed and said, "No, I think at this point it's up to you." He was quiet so I said, "I tell you what. I'll give you options and you tell me yes or no. I could take off my shoes and my jacket, put down my purse, and go to bed. Or, I could get back in my car and come over to your house." All he said was, "Okay." I said, "Go unlock the door. I'll be there soon."

I was giggling about it, feeling hugely entertained and incredibly sexy on my way over. It's not just me who thinks the sex is great! And even though M said that he thought I should be careful, because I'll always be the number 2 girl because of the shit with his wife, and do I really want to be number 2 or would I rather find someone where I can be their number 1, and etc etc I was still feeling on top of the world.

I got there and the door into the house was unlocked, and the door into his suite was ajar a little bit. I walked in and all the lights were off except for his heater which is made to look like a fireplace. He was in bed, so I took my shoes and jacket off and went into his room. It felt like coming home.

I lay down on the bed, on top of the covers and fully dressed, and told him about my night. We giggled a lot. Then he turned to me and asked if I was going to spend the night. I hadn't spent a night with him since the first night he was home from Ontario. I said yes, and he said that I should make myself comfortable. I stood up and took off my clothes, all except my panties.

I lay down again and got under the covers, and he scooted over, saying that I was too far away. I said, "I thought you didn't like to touch me when you're sleeping," and he said, "I'm not sleeping." I was determined that he would make the first moves because I wanted him to not be able to shift blame onto me for whatever was going to happen. I wanted him to know that he wants me just as much as I want him.

So we talked a little bit more, and then he said, "You seem awfully awake." I agreed, and he said, "I have a back you can work on, if you want." He rolled over onto his stomach and I started scratching his back. God, I love touching him. I could do it for hours. I avoided the sweet spots on his bum which was disappointing for me, but again, I wanted the first sexual move to come from him. After about 20 minutes he flipped over onto his back and without either of us saying a word, I continued to touch and stoke and scratch his chest and his thighs but I didn't touch his cock.

That is, until he took my hand and placed it there. That was all I had been waiting for. I started stroking it, and playing with his balls, and getting that sweet spot right behind them. As I was stoking that spot I said, "This is my favourite spot," and he said, "I kinda like it too." It's one of his trigger points.

He wrapped his hand in my hair and pulled my head down, and I proceeded to give him the best blowjob ever. He came in my mouth and it was wonderful. He tastes so good and I just love every bit of it. I lay there with his soft cock in my mouth for ages, not wanting to let go. I think I knew that it would be the last time.

He was a little surprised that he had cum like that, because it's not something that happens easily for him. He said, "That's the first time for us that that's happened." I noticed he used the word 'us'. I told him that wasn't true - the first time we spent the night together, when we woke up I gave him head and he came.

The problem was, he's 38 and that orgasm knocked him out. I said, "Do you think I came over here out of some altruistic reason?" and he responded, "That's way too big a word for 4:30 in the morning!" It made me giggle. I said, "Altruistic is when you do something for someone else and don't expect anything in return." His reply to that was that every other time he has gotten me off multiple times and so maybe this was fair?

I wasn't too upset about it. After all, I was there, with him, in his bed, spending the night, and I had made him feel fantastic. Life was great.

He set the alarm for 9 for me, but at just past 8 his cell rang. He answered and had a five minute conversation and for a minute I thought it was his ex but at the end he said, "I love you too, Mom." Thank god. He lay back down and we cuddled for about 10 minutes but when it was clear that we weren't going back to sleep, he suggested we go get coffee.

We got dressed and headed out to Starbucks in his truck. I bought the coffee because I'm nice like that. Then we decided to grab some breakfast so we found a little hole in the wall Chinese restaurant close to his house that does breakfast for cheap.

We were sitting in the booth and I knew the time had come. I said, "So ... what is ... this?" motioning back and forth with my hand between us.

"I knew you were going to bring this up," he said. "I don't know. But ... you're winning."

That made my heart jump. However, what I said was, "I'm not competing! If you want to be with me, then be with me. But I won't compete for you and then have you go back to Toronto." And her, but that part remained unsaid.

"I just ... don't know what's going on," he said.

"Well, removing me completely from the equation and speaking as your friend, I think that you should think really hard about this. After all, you've moved out here, started a new life, and if you're not 100% sure about her ... I would just think about it."

He replied, "I really don't want to talk about this."

"Okay," I said, and dropped it.

We had breakfast and then drove back to his house. He was heading off to work, better late than never, and I had a stagette to get to. While we were in the truck, he said that he had to drive to Abbotsford to get to the set. I mentioned that I had driven to Chilliwack on Wednesday and he asked why. I said that I like to drive when I'm upset about things and need to figure them out.

He said, "What did you figure out?" I shrugged, and he said, "Well, you're here, aren't you?" I looked at him and nodded. He knew that I had been dealing with the bombshell, and trying to move on, but exactly. I was here. I leaned over and kissed him, and said, "Call me," and jumped out of the truck.

One of the things we did for the stagette was take a pole/lap dancing class. It was great fun, and afterwards I called S and left him a message saying that I had learned some damn sexy moves and if he wanted a private show, he just had to call and ask.

I ended up going with Y,M, L, and T over to another couple's house and playing poker on Saturday night. It was fun and we were out until 4:30 but I found myself checking my phone constantly to see if he'd called. I drove past his house on my way home and his truck was there, but he'd probably been working until late and was exhausted since we'd both not got much sleep that night before.

On Sunday I slept in, lay on the couch and watched reruns of Sex and the City, and then went to Y and M's to watch the hockey game. On my way home, I drove past his house and he wasn't there, so I phoned and left him a message saying that the Canucks had won, not that he cared but I was sharing with him anyway.

I got home and by midnight I was so restless. I got in my car and drove over the bridge to see if he was home. I needed to talk to him. He wasn't there. I went home and barely slept all Sunday night. I woke up at 4:30 to go to work but I needed to know. Was he home? I drove across the bridge again to see, and yes, his truck was there. He was home.

I went to work and to school, and on my way home from school I realized that this had to stop. I was acting like a basketcase, like a stalker. I checked to see if he was home and then called him and said that I needed to stop by and talk to him for a minute because I was confused about something and needed clarification. He said that he was heading out in about 10 minutes but I could stop by if it was quick.

I walked in and he was sitting on the couch and my heart leapt up in my chest. As I was taking off my shoes I asked, "What are you up to tonight?" He said that he was picking someone up from the airport, and I looked up and said, "Oh. Is it ..."

He looked at me and said, "Oh you think I'm picking up my ex! No, no it's my buddy from Calgary is coming to visit." Relief washed through me. Even though I knew what the end result would be from this conversation, I didn't want to have it and then send him off to see her.

I sat down on the couch and looked at him and said, "Okay so the reason I'm here is because last Tuesday when we talked, you didn't leave any room for hope. And then the weekend happened and now I'm confused as to what is going on. And I can't do this - I'm not emotionally able to be your friend with benefits. I haven't made any secret of what it is that I want from you ... But I didn't even call you back for 2 hours on Friday because I didn't know you'd called. I wasn't paying any attention to my phone. Since then, though, I've been attached to my phone, wondering if you're going to call."

He said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have phoned you on Friday. That wasn't fair."

I was weak. I said, "If I know that that is all it can be, then that's fine. The sex is just sooo great - I don't really want to give up the sex. But ..."

He said, "No. You're right. I won't ever call you for that again."

I almost started crying. Hearing that was a knife in my heart. I said, "Don't say ever. Just say until you get this stuff figured out."

We paused and looked at the tv. Then I said, "I don't know if I should say this. Maybe it's not fair... but I'm going to say it anyway. I fell head over heels infatuated with you the first night we met. Like, this much," and I spread my arms out wide, "And it's just been getting better the more I get to know you."

He said softly, "I'm sorry there's a wrench."

I said, "I think you're fantastic. And I just wanted you to know that."

He said simply, "Thank you."

We turned back to the tv for a few minutes. He was watching the Amazing Race and one of the twosomes used to be a couple. It was the All-Star one, so they had apparently been together on the first one but had since broken up. I said, "I can't imagine spending that much time with any of my exes!" I told S about Saturday night and what we had done to T when he got too drunk and passed out, and we giggled about it.

Then he stood up and said, "Well, I have to have a bath before I go, so I don't mean to kick you out but ..."

I stood up and said, "No that's okay," and started putting on my jacket and scarf. I was choking back tears - I really didn't want to cry in front of him. He knew that I was upset and he could tell that I was almost crying but I didn't want to have that indignity.

I put on my shoes and then stood up and looked at him standing there, two feet away from me and yet so much further than that. I took that step and hugged him, and he hugged me back, one of his wonderful hugs where he squeezes me and doesn't let go until I do. I had my head on his shoulder, breathing him in and just ... being. For a moment in time.

I said, "Thank you for being honest," and I stepped back. He was looking at me with those eyes that can see into my soul and I knew that he knew how much I didn't want to walk through that door. I said, "Don't be a stranger," and he said, "I won't."

"Bye," I said and opened the door.

"Drive safe," he said, as he always does when I leave his house.

"Thank you," I said, and I walked away.

***

I went over to Y and M's. I couldn't be alone. I couldn't be at my house. I didn't talk about it that much but I just needed to be with other people.

I know that I made the right decision. It's better that I grieve now rather than later when he decides to go back to Toronto to see what's going on with his ex. I feel that neither of them will really know if they want to be back together until they see each other and spend some time together and I can't be around when that happens. Plus, this gives him a chance to really find out what his feelings are for her, without thinking about me.

Maybe he'll realize that he wants to be with me. I laid all my cards on the table - he's under no illusions as to how I feel about him. That was important to me. I wanted to know that I had given him all the information to make his decision so that I wouldn't have to look back and wonder if he would have chosen me if he had just known ...

If he does come back to me, I would give him another chance in a heartbeat. M thinks that is still allowing myself to be the number 2 choice but I disagree. I think in this situation, he has to go see if there's a future with his ex or he would spend the rest of his life wondering. If he does that and realizes that his happiness doesn't lie with her, then coming to see if he can be happy with me is just exploring his options.

I'm not going to sit around and wait for him. If he chooses to come back into my life, that will be enough time to see what's going on there. That doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to him anymore. I plan to phone him in a week or so and say hi. I do want to be his friend. I want to know what's going on in the situation with his wife. I want to know if he leaves Vancouver and goes back to Toronto. It would break my heart to just realize one day that he was gone, with no goodbye.

But emotionally speaking, I know I made the right decision. I could have hung around, waiting to be at his beck and call, but I did that with Alan for two years and it didn't get me anything except a lot of tears and being alone. I didn't want to replay that, and I'm glad that it only took me three days to realize what I needed to do.

It's funny, because I had originally planned to ask him, when I went by his house for clarification, if there was enough between the two of us to hope for an outcome in my favour. I figured if the answer was yes, I would stick it out and see what happened because walking away from a guy this fucking fantastic is breaking my heart. But when I got there I knew that I needed to say what I actually said. I needed to take care of myself and my emotional needs.

Y and Guns are both proud of me for making this decision and having the conversation.

That didn't make it any easer when I got home last night and didn't want to go to bed, because I knew that when I woke up this morning, it would be over and done with. It's not the same day that the conversation happened. The entire relationship is now in the past, and fuck, is that hard to deal with.

I didn't even go to school today. I took today off to try to get my shit together. I was going to clean my house and catch up on some reading but it's taken me an hour to write this entry and now, I need to have a shower and get out of the house. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm going to do, but I need to not sit around and wallow in my memories of the best guy I have ever met.

Fuck.

2007-02-15T22:20:00.000-08:00

S called me today. He left me a message asking me if the Canucks won last night.

I sat in my car listening to it with a stunned look on my face. After all my angst about him phoning me spontaneously and wanting him to become interested in hockey so that we could watch games together, he leaves me this message two days after telling me he's getting back together with his wife?

So I called him back. He answered with, "I heard they won." We had a conversation about hockey and then about his job that he's working right now. He's driving trucks for a tv show and I said that I had assumed he was doing electrical stuff. He replied, "Nope. I am a man of many talents," to which I responded, "Yes, I know." He chuckled.

It was fucked up. It was flirty and completely normal to what one of our conversations were like, before.

When I hung up, I must have had a hilarious expression of "What the fuck? What the fuck!!" Then I remembered that I had said to him, after he dropped the bombshell, that I hoped we could still be friends and he said "I don't see why not." I said, "You don't think it will be giving a false impression?" and he replied, "No, because I'm telling you how it is, right now."

I hadn't been thinking very clearly on the phone and I also didn't really think that he would want to be friends, considering he never really called me or initiated contact. But then here we have proof to the contrary...

When I talked to Guns about it, she asked how I felt and I realized that it doesn't seem to be bothering me. Maybe if I saw him I would have difficulty not jumping his bones - okay, honestly, I will have difficulty with that. Every single time I have spent time with him I have wanted to rip his clothes off his body and have that wonderful fantastic sex.

But clearly, what this phone call today tells me is that he is not rejecting me. If his wife were not in the picture I think he and I would still be doing ... whatever it was that we were doing. We weren't having a relationship but we were doing more than casually sleeping together. Whatever. It doesn't matter what it was; it didn't need a label. My point is that he feels he needs to explore this avenue of reconciliation with his wife and if that is the course of action that he feels will bring him the most happiness then he needs to follow it to its conclusion.

I personally don't think, from what he's told me about why they split in the first place, that they will succeed together. It may take a year or three but the same problems will raise their heads and the fights will start and suddenly they will be thinking, "What were we thinking? Why did we think this would work the second time around???" Unless by then they have a baby, in which case all bets are off in terms of whether they stay together or not...

I'm not planning on hanging around on the off-chance that they split and he wants to get back together with me. I'm planning on leaving the door open for him to call me if he gets to that place but I have a life of my own to live and I'm not waiting for anyone.

Besides. I realized today in the car that he is reconciling with her because he believes that his happiness lies with being with her. I want to be with a man who thinks that about being with me. I don't want to be filler or the girl until something better comes along.

So yeah. I'm not sad. I am disappointed. But I think that there may be a possibility of him and I being friends and it's not like I have so many of those that I would want to shun someone, simply because he wants to see if he can be happy with his wife. I don't feel rejected. I know it has nothing to do with me as a person. Just from the fact that he called me has given me enough closure that if I never saw him again, I would not feel like things that been left unsaid or unknown.

Good enough.

2007-02-14T03:27:00.000-08:00

Him and the ex are "probably getting back together."

I was told this on the phone tonight. To give him credit, he did say that he hadn't planned to tell me on the phone. He had wanted to tell me in person.

It's just that I had made a comment that I guess he figured he couldn't let pass, being the nice guy that he is, so he dropped the bombshell on me. It's not like I'm surprised. I'm just disappointed. I knew it was a possibility but I thought it was a remote one ... I didn't think it would happen.

The moral of the story - do not get emotionally attached until divorce papers are signed. I held myself back from truly jumping in with both feet and while I did cry when we hung up the phone (I was mostly composed through the conversation) I talked with two of my girlfriends and realized that the best sex in the world can't make up for a guy who "just isn't that into me."

But damn, it's sad to realize that the best sex of my life is never going to happen again. There's a really good chance that I will never orgasm with another man again because it took me 27 years and more partners than I care to recount here to find one who could do the right things and have the right attitude that would allow me to relax enough to orgasm.

Guns thinks the fact that I found one means I should be hopeful that there are more, but I'm not. I think he was it, and it was a case of really shitty timing and she met him first. I can't even be angry with him because I completely understand where he's coming from and his reasons for acting the way he has. He was honest with me when he could have played me along for awhile.

I could wish that he was an asshole because it might be easier in the short term, but in the long run I'm glad that he does appear to be a stand-up guy.

I just wish ... that things were different. Lots of things. But - they're not. So shut up and deal, because life gives two options. Deal or die. So I'm dealing.

Too little, too late?

2007-02-09T10:10:00.000-08:00

On Sunday, I had invited S to go to an opera that UBC is putting on this weekend, and he said he wasn't sure about his work schedule but he would call me. I thought, "Yeah right!"

But then yesterday, he called me around 1:30 while he was at work, and left me a message saying that he's been working all this week and will be working this weekend, and thanks very much for the invitation but he wasn't going to be able to make it. I called him on my break at school to say thanks for letting me know, but it was a very short conversation because he was at work and he had to go. He did answer the phone though ...

So you'd think that I would have been excited by this, because he followed through and called, but beyond a slight surprise when I looked at my call display, I didn't get that feeling of excitement. I think because we are barely hanging out, I have just let go of any feelings regarding the whole enterprise. Yeah, the sex is still the best I've ever had. But I want a relationship with him, and if that's not on the table, I guess I subconsciously decided to back way up and take my emotions out of it.

That's not to say that I'm not still going to call him and try to make plans to hang out. It just means that there is no longer any counting of the days between phone calls because if it goes four or five days without any contact - well, what did I expect?

2007-02-04T01:00:00.000-08:00

I'm such a pessimist!

I phoned S today to let him know that I wouldn't be attended an event that we both thought we might end up volunteering at, because I have had a terrible head cold for the past 2 days and spent the majority of that time in bed. I sounded all sniffly in the message because my nose won't stop running. S had said a few days ago that he would most likely be working tonight at another gig but he still wasn't sure, so I thought it would be the polite thing to do to let him know I wouldn't be at the event so that he wouldn't show up and expect to see me.

I don't remember what time this was ... maybe 4:30ish? And he never called me back to see how I am feeling! Now maybe he is at that job, although he would probably be working until 3 this morning so I would imagine that he wouldn't have been there yet ... anyway. I'm sick, I'm being a pessimist, but I'll tell ya - if he doesn't call me tomorrow to see how I am, he's gonna lose major brownie points!!

2007-01-31T00:01:00.000-08:00

I've decided to show S just how adorable and lovely I can be.

Yesterday when we were hanging out, we went grocery shopping. Let me just add here that I really enjoy wandering the grocery store with him, because he eats such different food from me and so I stop and look at all sorts of stuff that I never noticed before. The one thing he specifically wanted to get was honey for his tea. We got back to his house (wow - in my head I just wrote that sentence as "We got home...") and realized we didn't get honey.

So what did I do? I stopped at the store this afternoon and bought him some, wrote "Because I'm sweet like that... ~d" on the bottle, and hung it on the doorknob to his house.

I stopped by there on my way to Y and M's. Thankfully the outside door was open so I could knock directly on his door. He was surprised to see me but I explained that I wanted to make sure that he got his present because the lady upstairs seemed a little confused about what I was doing and I thought she might have moved it. He had got it, and he said, "Thank you. That was very thoughtful." Yeah uh huh I know. Aren't I great? *grin*

I kissed him and said that I wasn't staying - I was on my way over to the hockey game. He pretended to be upset at missing it but really he was watching cooking shows and quite content. I blew him a kiss and went on my way.

D came over to Y and M's house because she had some stuff to take of with Y, and one of her first comments to me was, "Well you seem to be falling in love hey?" She reads my public blog which is edited down - this one gets the gory details with no names; that one gets names and very few details. It's just how I deal with my need to write balanced against my desire to stay in touch with my friends. You, dear reader of "naughty", remain anonymous and therefore I can spill all the angst to you. Do you feel special?

I'm not thinking of love at this point. Mostly because I'm afraid that if I start, I won't ever stop. Therefore, the concept of 'love' doesn't exist right now. Showing him how great I am to have around and how damn lovable I am - that's a concept that I'm working.

2007-01-29T23:12:00.000-08:00

Questions asked and answered.

He's not sleeping with someone else. When I asked this, he said, "I'm all alone out here."

I replied, "You picked me up."

The eyebrow went up and I got the look. "You picked me up." I giggled. I suppose it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. Although he did invite me back to his house. After I had flirted with him nonstop for about 5 hours. Yeah, we'll call this one a draw.

When I was leaving, I invited him to Y and M's again this week for hockey. He said no, so I ran through the possibilities - them, the cats, the smoke, the hockey. Yep, it's the hockey. He's got no interest. The fact that I got him to watch one was amazing, so I gave myself a point. He downgraded it to half a point. *grin*

I then said that I am not waiting or expecting any kink from him. If it happens, great, but I can get that itch scratched somewhere else, and there's no one else who can do to me what he can do. (He rocked my socks off again tonight in the sex department. Oh. my. god.) We both sort of said together that the door is open if he is in the mood or he wants to participate but I added that there's no pressure.

We started talking about how we're both loners in the fact that we like to spend a lot of time by ourselves, and people tend to get on our nerves if we have to be around them for too long. I asked him if he was still in the selfish place and he looked affronted and denied being selfish. I clarified and said that when I have gone through break-ups, I have gone through a period where I didn't want to consider anyone else but myself, and he agreed that that is where he is. And that's fine, now that I know, and he knows that I know.

Then I said that it would be great if he spontaneously phoned me and asked me to do something. I said that I always phone him and that makes me feel like I'm doing all the chasing and why should I bother ... but then I said, "But I want to bother. So phone me." And he agreed.

So it is what it is, what I figured out that it was, once I cut out my own bullshit and drama and baggage. He is telling it like it is. It's not a relationship exactly - I wouldn't call him my boyfriend (except in my head and I'll deny it to anyone who calls me on it! *lol*) but whatever it is, I feel better about it.

And man. The more we hang out, the more I fall. And the better the sex gets. We did things tonight that I didn't think I would ever do or have done to me. And what's more crazy than that - it was fucking fantastic.

The best part of the night was when I was hugging him goodbye and he said, "Thanks for coming over," and I said, "Thanks for having me. In every sense of the word." He laughed and said that I beat him to it - he was just about to say that.

A booty call gone right. I'm walkin' on sunshine ...

2007-01-29T01:44:00.000-08:00

And just when things were good ... he went stupid again!

I called S today to see if he wanted to come over and have dinner with me and hang out. He sounded really happy to hear from me when he answered the phone, but he had a lot of stuff to do today and he wasn't sure. He said he'd call. I said, "Do you promise you'll call? Because sometimes you say you'll call and then you don't..." so he said he would call if he was coming over. Basically I took that to mean that he wasn't going to come over.

Around 4:30 I called him and left a message, asking if he knew whether he would be coming or not, because it would change my plans for the evening. I asked if he could just call and let me know either way. I gave him an hour and a half to call back, and then I went and watched the game at Y and M's house.

He never called.

I just don't get it. He sounds psyched to hear from me; he even called me the other night and asked me to hang out. But then, he can't be bothered to call me back when I'm telling him that I want to make other plans if he's too fucking busy to hang out with me? He's either oblivious, selfish, or stupid, and none of them are terribly attractive.

One step forward, two steps back.

2007-01-28T01:10:00.000-08:00

Y and I played last night. It was great, as always. She was sweating more than me by the end, and she says that today her hands are bruised from punching my ass. I do love me the ass punching. On my end - I was expecting to see some bruises today but there was nothing there. I can feel that the muscle underneath is bruised and it's been a bit stingy sometimes today, but nothing I can take a picture of to show Y her good work.

S didn't come over. I had sent him a text saying that the offer was still open if he wanted to come, but didn't expect an answer.

M made me feel loved after Y and I came upstairs from the dungeon. There were a few people over and everyone was sitting around the living room, doing coke and chatting. (Just for the record, I don't do the coke myself. The idea of snorting something up my nose makes me cringe in disgust.) M leaned over and said to me that he really likes me, he really likes hanging out with me, that I'm always welcome in their house, and that if I ever need to talk and Y's not around, I'm always welcome to come over and talk to him. So sweet. I gave him a big hug and kiss and told him he could have one of my "wank fodder" certificates. The idea is that if you are so blessed with such a certificate, you can position me any way you choose and then you can wank yourself off while looking at me and my goodies. He is *so* excited by the thought. It's cute.

I got home around 2:30, slept until 11, then dragged my ass out of bed and sat around for an hour or so, trying to figure out what to do about the dojo. Thankfully, I was able to see past my emotional idiot-ness and do what was best for me and know that I was doing it for my own benefit and not to prove a point about anything.

Since then I've read the book I needed to have read for Tuesday, leaving me with the reading I need to get done for Monday still unread but hey, that's why there's another day to the weekend. I watched "The Breakup" which was not very good and full of a lot of yelling that made me feel vaguely uncomfortable. Thankfully I had also rented the first 2 dvds of season 4 from Sex and the City, so I watched a couple episodes.

Now I'm hanging out in my chair and thinking about heading to bed. Well actually I've been thinking about it for the past hour and a half, so perhaps it's time to turn the computer off and actually do it.

Good night.

2007-01-25T22:55:00.000-08:00

I called S tonight after class. We chatted for 20 minutes while I drove home. He's still sick and didn't go to work today, and he has a cough so he's not gonna come over to Y and M's tomorrow. He did thank me for the invitation to watch me get spanked. I had to ask him "Are you being sarcastic?" because it sounded like it with the cold but he wasn't. He likes to watch and I think by me inviting him to do so made him realize that I'm not stressing out about him and I not playing. Clearly, I'm getting that itch scratched by someone else, and I'm cool with him being a part of it or not.

We hung up and I felt really great about the conversation. He said if his throat started to feel better he would call me, and I thought, "Yeah, right."

But then, about 20 minutes after I got home, my cell started ringing that special ring that only he can produce. I went rushing for the phone, missed the call and called him back. I was trying to wait for him to leave a message but I couldn't. He said, "I don't know what you're doing tonight but I'm going to watch a movie and you're welcome to come over and watch with me." My response: "That would be lovely."

I picked up "Little Miss Sunshine" which we both enjoyed and giggled over. I recommend. When the movie ended, we watched the last 20 minutes of Iron Chef America, and during the commercial I leaned over and smooch-kissed him. I said, "Sorry. I just have to do it," and then I did it again. I don't want what he has but I couldn't just hang out there all evening and not touch him! That's asking too much.

After Iron Chef he said he was going to bed and I am exhausted so I put on my shoes and then hugged him goodbye. It was a really good hug - neither of us let go quickly and I got to nuzzle in his neck a little bit.

And we flirted. And the sexual chemistry is back.

And really, it was just a perfect evening. Which HE initiated.

New plan is working just fine. It will be what it will be, and I will be happy with it.

And I am.

2007-01-24T22:43:00.000-08:00

I made it through tonight without calling S. I thought about it on my way home from the dojo but I was feeling irritable and grouchy and decided I would eat first before doing anything. After I ate, I no longer had the desire. I will call him tomorrow as I originally planned.

I am off to bed because I am exhausted, and tomorrow is another day of getting up at 7:30 and studying for the majority of the day. At least I have coffee filters so I don't have to go out to get caffeinated. I've never bought filters before and I think I may have bought ones that were too big but better too big than too small. I can always get the scissors out and chop 'em down to size.

Good night!!

2007-01-24T20:21:00.000-08:00

I hate the way that when everything seems to be going along okay, something has to fall down and break.

Right now it's the dojo. And my relationship with Sensei.

Fuck.

2007-01-24T09:25:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe the selfishness of my mother.

I just called to confirm something with her, and she said that she missed me this morning, because I spent the last four nights over there when my dad was away. I thought she was being sweet - nope. She was complaining (shocking!!) because she had to deal with the dog this morning. He wakes up between 5 and 7:30 every morning and he needs to go out. Every other morning in creation, my dad deals with him. When I stay over, I deal with him. She had to deal with him this morning and she's pissed at my dad because she had to get up early. One morning out of ... hundreds.

I wonder - can't she see how selfish that view is? She even admitted that Dad needed a good night's sleep last night after being away for four days and having to get to work early today, and yet it's still not acceptable that she had to get up to let the dog out.

I just don't understand.

2007-01-23T22:39:00.000-08:00

I called him on Saturday to see how he was feeling. He still felt like shit, although he was outside getting some fresh air after being inside for a few days.

I said I'd call him in a few days to see how he's feeling.

I still haven't called. I was busy last night, spending some much needed alone time tonight, I have martial arts tomorrow night, I don't get out of class until 6:30 on Thursday in which case he'll probably already have made plans ... which takes us to Friday. I'm going to call him on Thursday to invite him to Y and M's house on Friday for hockey, dinner, and the possibility of watching Y beat on my ass (yay!). If he comes, great. If not, I'll still be spending time with people I love, watching my team who I love, and getting my ass spanked which, you guessed it, I love. No down side to that night!

Saturday I want to go to WET! which is a womens only play party here in Vancouver that I have not yet ventured out to, but I have heard good things about. I'll let y'all know the inside scoop on Sunday.

Sunday I'll need to read and read and read and read and then read some more for school. Oh, and plan my presentation and work out a paper outline, and write a journal entry, and then read some more. I think I'll just hit up the school library and not leave all day.

And then it will be Monday and a whole new week of school fun will start.

So really, Friday night is the only night possible that S and I could hang out. And man, does that make me happy. I'm so glad that my life finally got busy enough that I don't have to hang around being all stupid and emotional. After all, if he's not emotionally invested (and it really doesn't appear that he is, since he hasn't called or emailed me!) then why should I waste the time or the energy or the fabulousness that is me?

I do still wish that it were different. But if wishes were horses then beggars would ride.

2007-01-18T21:58:00.000-08:00

New plan still working out well. No stress. No wondering what the fuck. I'm sleeping!!

I sent him an email today, just saying that I was thinking about him and hoping he was feeling better.

I have plans for tomorrow night, and Saturday night, and Sunday during the day, and most likely Sunday night as well, so even if I were to hear from him, I wouldn't be able to hang out. Thank goodness for school starting up and life getting busy again.

Still, it would be nice to have sex again soon. It's been two weeks, and that is one and a half weeks too long, in my humble opinion.

But I think I may possibly have learned patience, somewhere along the line.

And best of all, I talked to R tonight on the phone and told him the new plan and how I felt about everything and his words: "You're gonna be all right, kiddo." That is such a long way from how I was when we met and I was fucked up and a total basketcase. In fact, he often wondered to me how I managed to get along because I was so incredibly stupid. *lol* Sounds really harsh but actually wasn't. Besides, when I look back, 'they call that retrospect', I was stupid. I really have come a long way in my personal growth, and I can attribute a lot of that to R's teachings. I don't remember if I wrote this in an earlier entry, but R said to me the other night, "If S and I ever meet, he should thank you." And honestly, it's true. I am going to be able to deal with this 'relationship' or whatever it is solely because of my ability to look at my experiences and my emotions in the way that R taught me.

I don't think that S and R will ever meet. I wouldn't really want them to. R is like my dirty little secret (and I'm his) that no one knows about, so it's not like I would plan for them to meet. But on my own behalf, R, I say thank you for taking the time to sort out a stupid, over-emotional idiot and teaching her how to be a rational adult in relationships. It still takes me awhile to get there (as evidenced by the past two months of entries here) but I get there eventually. And two months is a hell of a lot better than two years. *grin*

2007-01-17T09:01:00.000-08:00

The new plan is great.

I phoned S yesterday because the bridge traffic was horrific, yet again. He was home sick so I offered to go pick him up anything he needed from the store. He told me that he's actually an independent sick person, which used to drive his wife crazy because he would pamper her if she was sick but if he got sick he would basically tell her to leave the house and stop driving him crazy. (I took this as him telling me not to be offended that he didn't want me to do anything for him - that it wasn't anything personal towards me).

I said, "I hope I'm not driving you crazy with all these phone calls but it's just whenever I call, you're always already busy and I really want us to hang out so I keep phoning... but I hope that you don't look at your phone and think 'Fuck, she's calling me again!'"

His response: "I always answer my phone when you call, don't I?"

And that is all the reassurance I needed to hear. I don't feel like I need to probe it for anything else. It will be what it will be, and if it grows into a relationship, that would be awesome. If it doesn't - if the only thing we ever are to each other is fuck buddies - then I will enjoy every minute of it.

He did say something about how he's been in a selfish place for the past while (not his exact words but I don't remember what those were) which I also took to be a good sign. In my experience, truly selfish people don't recognize that they are selfish because they are incapable of looking at their own behaviour from an outsider's point of view. It is only people who are usually not selfish that can recognize that they have been behaving as such. I know that when I have gone through breakups I have had selfish periods and maybe this is what this is for him.

Yes, the hope is still there. I can't help it. But just because in my perfect world we do end up in a relationship, that doesn't mean that I can't be happy with what it is. I have been so less stressed since two days ago when I decided to stop the bullshit. I can sleep. I can think about him without wanting to cry. It's good.

It's funny, because it is that I have let go of expectations, but instead of being on his terms, I have let them go on mine, and that has made all the difference.

2007-01-15T23:47:00.000-08:00

I talked to Guns tonight and I said that I hate playing games. It's not me. It makes me anxious and irritable and unhappy. If he's leaving Vancouver I think I would be more upset that I didn't just spend whatever time I could with him, regardless of whether it's initiated by me or not.

I'm going to take him at his word that he will be blunt and tell me if I am pissing him off or he wants me to fuck off. Since that hasn't happened, I am going to assume it's all good.

So I called him. Again, he was busy with his Japanese buddy but again, he answered the phone. When I got all flustered that he was busy he said it was okay and he could talk for a minute. I told him I was getting frustrated over here and he said, "Oh yeah? What kind of frustration?" and I replied, "Sexual..." He laughed and tried to convince me that I was on speakerphone, to which I replied that I walk around parties wearing only panties. It's kinda late for me to act shy!

Anyway, I said that it would be great for us to hook up and he said he would call me later. I said, "Later tonight or later this week?" and his response was, "Um ... yes." That's turning into a joke between us - every time I give him an option he just says yes. I asked if he actually thought he was going to call me tonight because if not I was probably going to go to bed early (yeah right - it's almost midnight - oops) and he said probably not because he does have to work tomorrow.

So. The new plan. Tomorrow is going to be a very long, busy day, unless it actually does snow 10-15 cm which is what the Weather Network is predicting, in which case it will be long, boring day. Wednesday I have martial arts in the evening. I have figured out that I need to call him earlier in the evening before anyone else has had a chance to make plans with him. So, Thursday when I am done school, around 5ish, I am going to call him and see what he's doing and hopefully, hopefully, hang out, have some dinner, and have sex.

The new plan means taking what I can and not being all emotional about what I can't. If this is meant to only be a casual thing then I will have as much fun with it as I can before I have to say goodbye. If it turns into something serious then it will do that in its own way, on its own time.

I am reminded so much of my relationship with G, and how eventually it came into being a silently acknowledged thing between the two of us that there was a "thing". Never his girlfriend but definitely his woman. And the end result of that relationship was him telling me he loved me ... and me walking away because I was so tired from the battle to get there. But if I could get him, I can get S.

And if the only way I can have him is like this, then I'm taking it. After I talked to him I felt more settled and less jumpy. As much as I wanted to know how long it would take him, I just can't wait to see. I figure I will just ask him if he'll let me know if I'm pissing him off or being too pushy. I'll let him know that so long as he doesn't say anything I will assume that my behaviour doesn't cross any of his self-protection boundaries but that if he does start to feel hounded or pressured that he should please just tell me because guess what - I can't figure him out! In fact, I think I can use that to start the conversation off ... I'll say something like, "Hey, you know how you said that I would never figure you out? Well, you're right. So can you help me out with something?" He hasn't had a problem with me asking any questions so far, so I'll just come right out and ask him what's up.

In the past 60 hours I have had approximately 8 hours of sleep so I think it's time to go to bed. And now that I'm not trying to be someone I'm not but rather just accepting myself for how I am and accepting the world for what's in it, I think I will finally be able to fall asleep.

2007-01-15T14:54:00.000-08:00

And so it comes down to this:

I know what I am worth, and I will not settle for less.

2007-01-15T00:00:00.000-08:00

No phone call.

I spent the evening watching "Bandits" which I thoroughly enjoyed, and then I had planned to watch the Simpsons, Family Guy, and whatever the funny show is that is after that, then go to bed, because I knew that I wouldn't get a phone call. However, Fox and Global had different plans and they were showing the premiere of 24, which I don't watch. There was nothing else on tv that I was remotely interested in watching so I decided to go for a drive.

I ended up phoning Y and going over there on the pretext that I wanted a smoking buddy. Well, true, but I also wanted someone to talk to - about anything - that would keep me from looking at the time and my silent phone.

It's midnight and I just got home. I have to get up early for work, and then head straight to school afterwards, and I don't feel like I'm going to be able to sleep, but I'm going to go try.

I feel disappointed that my expectation of no phone call was met. Even though I knew that it wouldn't happen, there was a piece of me that was hoping he would prove me wrong. Y asked me tonight if all this is worth it and I'm not yet at the point where I say no, but I guess depending on how long it goes before he makes contact, I may change my mind.

There are just too many unanswered questions that I cannot ask. If he is who he says he is and the reason he's being like this is because of his memory and because he is just getting out of the divorce, then I could see a future if I'm patient. But as R was quick to remind me, "Don't trust anyone." It could all be a lie. He could have just been looking for a quick piece of ass and now isn't interested. He may be somewhat interested but not in anything serious. He might just not be that into me. And all I want to know is: Am I wasting my time? I can be patient if that's what is required but I don't want to hang on if there is no chance. I don't want a repeat of the A situation where, in R's words, I was banging my head against a wall that was never going to come down. If I'm wasting my time then I can walk away or try to be content with simply having a booty call with the best sex I've ever experienced. But if there is a chance that this could develop ...

*sigh* I feel determined this time about not phoning him. I really want to see how long it takes him to initiate contact. He's said that he's a blunt guy who says what he means and I would think that if he wanted me to fuck off he would have just said so, but I also want to know just how long it takes before he thinks of me, independent of any cues from me to do so. I just really hope that it doesn't drag out for ages.

Fuck! I just want to fucking know! Arghhh!!!!!!

2007-01-14T17:19:00.000-08:00

I said to Guns as we were driving back to her place today after coffee: "Ten bucks says he doesn't call." She didn't say anything, which made me laugh and say, "Well, since you agree with me, that's not a bet you should take!"

But seriously - I don't think he's going to call. And surprisingly, I feel okay about it. Strange, I know. Maybe resigned?

I asked Guns, "Why can't it just be simple? Why does it always have to be so fucking difficult?"

Neither of us have an answer to that question, although she did point out that if it was easy, we would probably be married by now. That made both of us laugh since neither one of us has ever been in a relationship that we wanted to move in that direction.

Until now, anyway. Dammit.

And men say that women are complicated? I don't bloody think so!

2007-01-14T11:57:00.000-08:00

Y called me last night around 4:30 in response to the emo text I sent her before S called. She was checking in to see if I was all right. I told her the whole situation and her advice - don't phone him. Make him put in the effort to see me. Don't remind him about the movie tonight or send him a text or anything. After all, weren't our mothers right when they said that men won't buy the cow if they can get the milk for free? She also counseled me not to bring it up. Not to bother "having the conversation". I agree if he is planning on moving to the Northwest Territory for awhile because clearly there will be no relationship while he's gone. Yeah, I'd like to keep in touch, but that's about it. But if he stays in Vancouver, there will have to be some kind of conversation because I don't want to feel like I am an afterthought or no thought in his mind. There's no point to that.

I felt a lot better after talking to Y, even though she didn't say anything that I hadn't already thought to myself. But as she said, sometimes it's nice to throw things at a sounding board and see how they come back.

I just wish I had managed to get to sleep before 5am. It wouldn't matter so much except that I have to work tomorrow at 5:30am and so I hope I can sleep tonight. This whole no exercise thing because of my ankle is fucking with my sleep situation. I want to get in to my chiropractor on Wednesday and see what he thinks. The damn thing is still slightly swollen although the bruising has almost disappeared. But it starts to ache if I have to stand on it for long lengths of time, and I start to limp a little if I walk on it for anything longer than about 2 minutes. So frustrating because today is one of my favourite kind of days - sunny and clear but cold - and I would love to go walking with a coffee but alas, not for me.

2007-01-14T02:09:00.000-08:00

I just lost a long entry. I don't know what happened - I hit the shift key and it disappeared.

I've already got most of my catharsis out from writing it, but here's the basics:

I called S at 12:15 to see what he was going to do. He said that he was really drunk, and that he would probably crash at his buddy's house. I offered to come pick him up and he said that he would phone me when they got outside. I asked if he would remember and he said yes.

45 minutes went by and nothing, so I phone him again at 1 and left a light, non-accusatory message on his voice mail, saying that I was still open to coming and picking him up, and that maybe we could have some sexy action in the morning since if he was that drunk he probably just wanted to pass out tonight. I asked him to call me back and let me know.

I should have left it there. I realize that. But 15 minutes went by and still nothing, and I was wondering if I should just go to bed. I should have gone to bed. Instead, I phoned again. It rang twice, then connected and there was a bunch of beeping that sounded like numbers being pushed. I said hello a couple times, then I heard S say, "She won't stop calling me!" and his buddy said something about the phone, and then it disconnected.

That was an hour ago. Of course I have not heard anything from him. In the past hour I have come to realize that his behaviour is incredibly selfish. The whole "no plans, no expectations" thing is selfish. Saying he'll call and then not calling is selfish because it leaves me hanging and not knowing what is going on. Take the day before he left for Ontario. Totally selfish - left me hanging all day and the whole evening when he went to the hospital. He could have called me and let me know but it didn't cross his mind. Why would it, if he is an inherently selfish person? And he must be, because even if he's going through a selfish phase after splitting with his wife (as I have done in the past where the only needs I want to consider for the time being are my own) he should still have the common courtesy to let me know what the fuck is going on, instead of just leaving it up in the air for me to figure out.

Wow. I'm way more pissed writing it this time. It's like I've had more time to mull it over and see that his behaviour is the one that is crossing the line, not mine. Sure, maybe I shouldn't have called that last time. But if he had the common courtesy to tell me that he's staying at his buddy's house then I wouldn't have felt the need to continue to ask the question!

So. Tomorrow I plan to drive by his house and if his truck is there, call him and ask if I can stop by for a moment. And then I want to ask him if he wants to take this opportunity to tell me to fuck off. He says that he's blunt and he says what he means - then lets do that. I hope that he doesn't want me to just go away, and I also hope that he can appreciate my point of view that I'm feeling like he has absolutely no interest because he never initiates anything. But I think that tomorrow will be the end of it because even the greatest sex of my life cannot make up for a person not really being interested in me. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him, and I'm not getting that feeling at all.

I feel sad. I really thought that he was different. I thought this would be something. And maybe it could have been, given different timing. Maybe it's possible to find someone who ...

Update: it's 2:22 and he just called. How crazy! He said that he's at his buddy's house and he can't move and he can't drive so he's crashing there. I said that that sounded like a good plan and that I appreciated that he had called me back. He said that he figured I would still be awake so he thought he would call and let me know. Wow. Unexpected! I said that I had wanted to hang out but clearly tonight was not the night, and that if he's in the state that it seems, he wouldn't be able to do the things that I want for him to do. He laughed and said no. I asked if he got my email about 007 and he said no and asked what it said. I told him I had wanted to put the bug in his ear about going to see 007 on Sunday and he said, "That sounds great." I asked if he gets hangovers and he said no. Then he said that it wasn't the beer that was making him this way, it was the last joint they were going to smoke. I giggled and asked if I should phone him tomorrow. He said no, that he has to help a buddy in the afternoon but he would phone me afterwards. I said okay, told him to sleep well, and that I would talk to him tomorrow.

So now I'm confused. That conversation was just like all the others - giggly, a little flirty - not a conversation that you have with someone that you don't want to call you anymore. I think I still need to have a conversation with him about why I feel the need to call multiple times, and that he either has to give me some reassurance in the form of not forgetting about me a few times, or realize that I like to know what's going on.

I think tomorrow I will send him a text: "just in case you were too stoned to remember the possibility of 007 with me tonight ... call me when you're done helping your buddy out. :)"

I'm glad I didn't smoke a gazillion cigarettes the past hour and I'm really glad that he called. What a fucking rollercoaster.

2007-01-13T23:21:00.000-08:00

I emailed S a few days ago to throw out the idea of going to see the 007 movie on Sunday. I said, "I know, I know, no plans, no expectations, but I figured I would throw it out there and put a bug in your ear to make you think about it. So ... think about it and give me a call."

I meant to not phone him and see if he would phone me but we all know I suck at this. So tonight I left the Hockey Day in Canada gathering that I was at around 10 and I called him. He was out at some Irish pub with his boss (which one? I dunno) having some drinks, to which I expressed disappointment because I wanted to go over to his house and hang out. That was code for have sex. Man do I want to have sex with him. It's just that good. Anyway, he said that if he went home tonight, he would call me.

It's now almost 11:30 and of course I haven't heard from him yet, and I kinda want to call him again because I really want to see him tonight. But I don't want to be the stalker ... hmm. Pubs close at midnight, so maybe just after 12 I'll text him and say I'm still up, just in case he was wondering ... and maybe write something sex-related so he gets where I'm going with this. Or maybe I'll phone him just after midnight and say that I thought maybe he had forgotten about me ... not a stretch, by any means.

That leaves me with half an hour to kill. I could do homework but I think instead I will have a shower and shave - just to be on the safe side. I don't really think I will be going over there tonight but if I do, I want to absolutely knock his socks off and I can't do that if I'm not feeling at my absolute most sexy. Therefore - no hair. Off I go.

2007-01-10T23:08:00.001-08:00

I wrote about expectations a few weeks ago, about how if one keeps one's expectations low or non-existant, then one cannot be disappointed.

But I wonder, am I really getting rid of the expectations or am I fooling myself into thinking that I am not disappointed when my expectations are not met?

They are not high. They are almost as low as they could possibly be without being non-existant, but they are still there. And every time they are not fulfilled, I try to explain to myself that it's my fault for having the expectation in the first place. I know the score - take it or leave it, this is the way that it is.

But maybe ... I'm worth having expectations? I dunno.

And that's what scares me - that I can question my self-worth over something so ... intangible.

2007-01-09T23:57:00.000-08:00

I saw S tonight. Traffic was terrible and so I called to see what he was up to, hoping I could drop by and hang out for an hour or so before heading across the bridge. He was home but was planning to go to the store, but he said no problem, come on by. When I got there, he was on the phone with a friend, and in the course of the conversation that I overheard, he asked his buddy to find him a female Japanese roommate. Hmmm.

He got off the phone and asked if I would like to go to a movie, specifically "Night at the Museum", because he knows some of the guys who worked on it. I said sure, so off we went. He told me on the way to the theatre that he is thinking of going to work in the Northwest Territory at the diamond mines because they are looking for drivers. Dammit. There's no work here and there's no work in TO, so he's scouting out to see where he can make money, and since they pay for room and board while you're up there, everything is spending money. He still says that he wants to make Vancouver his base, but who knows. Definitely time to start disattaching.

We giggled our way through the movie and then headed back to his house. On the way home, I asked him what was necessary to get him to smack me around a bit. He hemmed and hawed a bit, but I told him I didn't want any "dodge and evade" tactics. He tried to pretend that he doesn't use them but please! We both know he does! He finally said that it has to be spontaneous because otherwise it takes the sting out of it, "you know?" I said, "Mm, no not really, but okay..." He replied, "But don't let this stop you from getting others to smack you around." I reassured him that I was not worried on that point but that I wanted to know what it was like with him. Ohhhh...

He invited me in for tea, so we sat and drank green tea and talked some more about cooking, one of his main passions. I said that I thought it would be fun if we could cook together, so that I could try some of these recipes, got 'the look', and said that I knew it wouldn't happen, just that I thought it would be fun.

While I was sitting there I realized that I couldn't handle it if I were to get rejected again, so I decided that I would leave before he kicked me out or it became an issue. Also, I'm staying at the parents' house tonight and my mother would have started to wonder what had happened to me if I never came over. So after multiple tiny cups of green tea, I said that I should get going and put my shoes and my jacket on, and hoisted my backpack up. And then we got into an actual conversation because he asked where my parents live and so we talked about the area (he's visited the parks close by so he had reference) and then we talked about why my dad had to go back east (to visit his mother who is not doing so well in a nursing home) and then we talked about how he wants to go (in Thailand, get shot and put on a raft and set afire, like a Viking-type thing) and how he doesn't want a funeral. Kinda weird stuff but actual conversation, not filler stuff like we had been doing the whole time over tea.

He hauled himself to his feet and said, "You're making me get up, hey?" so I quipped, "Well if I can't get you up one way, I'll do it another." It took him a second to get it, but he chuckled and gave me a smoochy-kiss goodbye. I said, again, "Call me if you go to Cuba!" and he said, "I'll call you from Cuba!" Ha ha. He said for me to drive safely, and that was it.

The strange thing was, I really didn't feel any sexual tension between us the whole night. Guns thinks I'm being greedy because before I was saying that I wanted us to hang out and not just have sex and now that that has happened, I'm complaining, but it did feel a little strange tonight. Could have been because he's tired and sore, and so am I. Still gimpy. Limped my way around school today and it wasn't the greatest thing ever, let me tell you.

It just concerns me that the last two times we've hung out, there's been no sex. I even said, while we were drinking our tea, that I felt like I had to take advantage of him for the rest of the time he's in Vancouver because then he'll be off who knows where and back who knows when, but nothing came of that comment.

I know I'm being too pessimistic. I think I need to get some sleep, and it would be nice to no longer be in pain. I'm going to my chiropractor tomorrow to get "unkinked," as I said to S, who said, "That's not really possible now is it?" Guns thinks that maybe he's not as experienced as me (even though I'm not really that experienced but I talk a good game) and so maybe he doesn't want to come across as unexperienced and maybe he's more comfortable doing it as part of sex (like the night before he left town) as opposed to a scene. I dunno. Gotta play it by ear. I just would like some more sex because the sex is just so fucking good! Although if I think about it, he hasn't even been back in town for a week. Maybe I need to just calm down.

2007-01-08T21:05:00.000-08:00

I caved. Who's surprised? Not me.

However, it was because I had to literally shove my casual fuck buddy out the door tonight after he came by to visit and try very sneakily to get me into bed. I was having none of it. I explained the situation, got his advice on it which is always extremely helpful, and then told him that if I want S to be worthy of trust, I have to be trustworthy as well, and I sure wouldn't feel trustworthy if I had sex with someone else right now.

Besides, the only person I want to have sex with is S. The idea of having it with anyone else makes me feel kinda squicky. And it was nice to have the upper hand on R for a change and to stand my ground and say no.

His advice was the same as Y's: tread softly. Don't get too involved until the divorce papers are signed. And don't trust anyone. That last one is always reiterated because I used to have the opposite problem than I do now - I used to trust blindly and got hurt badly because of it, and R was the one who picked up the pieces and put them back together for me.

Anyway, he left and I felt like I really wanted to talk to S because here I had turned down something because of him, and I wanted to reassure myself that it's worth it. He sounded really happy to hear from me, but it was a quick conversation because he was downtown with a buddy, getting ready for a night of heavy drinking. His buddy has some pregnancy issues and apparently called S up and said, "Lets go drink." I didn't keep him on the phone because I didn't want to intrude, and again, I don't want him to feel like I'm holding him back or tying him down. I did ask about Cuba but he said he would know tomorrow and it would be a last minute thing. He said he'll call me when he knows what's up so maybe this time I can wait for him to call me ...

Wishful thinking, probably. I have just so much patience and then I have none, and it seems I hit the "no more patience" zone before he thinks to call me. *sigh* The good news is, he sounded happy to hear from me. I really need to stop stressing out and just take it as it comes. Does there need to be more than that he was happy to hear from me? Right now, no. It's enough. It's making me smile.

2007-01-08T11:33:00.000-08:00

School starts today. Good thing, because now I will have something to occupy my time and my thoughts, other than just going 'round in circles thinking about S.

Day 3 begins. My prediction: no phone call.

2007-01-08T01:49:00.000-08:00

Watched the game again at Y and M's house tonight. It's becoming a ritual, and one that I'm liking! She had said that she had work to do and so I had to leave right after the game, which I was willing to do ... but then we started talking and I didn't leave until after 1am. Oops. It was a good conversation though, and one that I really needed to have. It was mostly about family stuff and relationships within the family, and she gave me some good advice about how to talk to my mother. We'll see how well that goes. My dad is out of town from Tuesday to Saturday and I will be staying at the house to help look after the dog, so we'll be spending some time together. Of course, school starts tomorrow (well, actually later today) so I will be gone for a lot of the time.

Y gave me some advice about S, though, when he came up in the conversation right at the end. "Tread lightly." I think it may be a case of right guy, wrong time, but who knows. She agrees that I shouldn't call him and I should wait for him to call me. I'm trying to think of a time when he called me unexpectedly, but even when he was away and called, it was because he had said he was going to and then I reminded him. This time, I really want to see how long it takes him to call. I want to see if he goes to Cuba and doesn't let me know. Basically, I want to see where I stand. I'm not asking for much. I would just like to know that I'm in his thoughts sometimes and that the interest is not all on my side.

Logically, I know it isn't. I know he's interested and I know he's attracted. But emotionally, it's way more tricky than that, and I need a little reassurance.

2007-01-07T17:32:00.000-08:00

I didn't call him today. He hasn't called me. He doesn't even know that I sprained my ankle.

But, I said I was going to wait for him to call me, and I'm sticking to it.

Thank god there is a hockey game tonight and I'm headed over to Y and M's house again. It will occupy my time until I have to go to bed, which will mean I should be able to make it through the day without caving.

Hopefully.

2007-01-07T00:10:00.000-08:00

I sprained my ankle at the dojo today and it's fucking huge. Gigantic. Hurts like a mother fucker. I can't walk on it at all; instead, I'm reduced to hopping on my left foot or crawling.

When I posted in my other blog, I got a comment asking why S wasn't here looking after me. My response was something along the lines of "I'm a strong woman - I don't need a guy to look after me."

But the real reason? I was afraid that if I asked, he might say no. And since my philosophy is not to ask the question if you can't handle the answer, I chose not to phone.

Trust? Abandonment? I dunno.

But I do know that I'm not ready for my heart to get broken. Once before I asked a boyfriend, one who professed to love me and wanted to marry me, for help in a moment of need, and I was severely let down. That left its mark on me and it's very difficult for me to ask for help from men that I am interested in because I am so afraid of being let down again. I would rather live with the fantasy that he would have come to help me rather than know the reality where he might not have.

Cowardly? Perhaps. Self preservation for sure.

I'm going to crawl to bed now. Fingers crossed I feel better tomorrow.

2007-01-06T10:37:00.000-08:00

Two more things to add:

When he was getting me off two nights ago, while I was scratching his back, he told me "Shh!" I had mentioned how hot the "don't talk; don't move" scenario had been, and I guess I am pretty loud. I really can't help it though. To help me out, at one point he had his free hand tangled in my hair and he pushed my head down on his cock so that I couldn't breathe, let alone make any sounds. He had to tell me "Shh!" a few times - usually when he gives me an order I try to carry it through until I know that it no longer applies, but that night I kept forgetting and being loud again.

The next morning I woke him up by scratching his back. I really like doing it because I know he enjoys it so much. Anyway, he got me going, then ordered me to play with myself but not to cum, while he put a condom on. Then he placed both of my hands on my groin and pulled up so that my clit was exposed. As he thrust inside me, missionary style, he clamped his hand over my mouth to stifle any sounds I may have been making. That hand stayed there until he came and we were finished. That was hot too.

And now I'm excited and I have no idea when I will be getting some more of the yummy sex. Please maybe tomorrow...

All good things must come to an end

2007-01-06T00:10:00.000-08:00

I'm being melodramatic but still.

We spent yesterday afternoon and night together, and went out for breakfast today. Not only that, but he agreed to come watch the game with myself, Y, and M. Fantastic. Y had cooked a pork roast with veggies and coconut rice, and S decided that he wanted to do dessert so we got the groceries and headed over there.

We were fairly flirty with each other - or at least, I was flirting with him. He was ... flirting but in a "don't irritate me anymore" kind of way. For example, I pinched him when he said something (probably to make fun of me *lol*) and so he grabbed my inner thigh. Hard, so hard, that it feels bruised even now. When I pinched him again, he put me in a wrist lock and said, "No more pinching." I know that tone of voice - keep pushing the line if you want the consequences. I didn't. I was feeling ... something, that made me not want to push that line too far.

He made dessert and not only was I not allowed to help, I was banished to the living room. I was standing in the kitchen with Y, looking at the frog, but it was allowed because I wasn't watching what he was doing or interfering. I tried to snag a piece of pineapple off the plate and he pretended to spear me. When I continued to stand there, peering around the corner and watching him, I got the raised eyebrow and the nod of the head to the living room. I went.

After dessert, I asked if he would come down to the dungeon with me to look at the spanking bench. I wanted to know if it could be altered so that the pieces moved, allowing for different sized spankers to fit comfortably. This particular bench was created for Y specially so it fits her dimensions but it's slightly too big for me. I draped myself over the bench to demonstrate how I wanted it to be moved, and he simply said that yes, it could be made like that, and then moved to the door. I said, in a slightly pouting tone, "You missed a golden opportunity there." His response: "What, to spank you? Not so much missed as ... declined." That sounds a lot meaner in writing than it did when he said it - it was said in a flirty, keep me wanting it kind of tone. However, as I pointed out to him, I was promised a spanking for picking him up at the airport yesterday, and I still have not collected. He didn't respond and I didn't push it.

There was something earlier but I don't remember exactly. (I smoked a joint with my upstairs neighbour so I'm a little stoned at the moment.) I think it was when he was duplicating the wrist grabs that I absolutely cannot free myself and I said that I was going to learn how to get free from it, and he said, "Oh you think so, do you? But you don't choose when you get free, do you? I do." That was pretty hot, actually.

I already knew that I wasn't staying the night with him. He had told me that right at the beginning of the night that he may have work for tomorrow and his buddy or boss or whoever is going to call him in the morning and let him know. He's also still feeling on Ontario time which would mean that we got up around 11 but we also left Y and M's house at 2. He said he was still pretty tired when we were in the truck on the way back to his house. I took a breath and a chance and asked what the chances were of me staying for a little while at his house, taking my clothes off and romping around with him on the bed. He said, "Honestly?" I raised my hands in disgust although I think it came across as, "Please," and he said, "No. I don't want it."

I'm trying to stay rational here. I know that he is the type of person who simply says it how it is, and that he didn't mean for it to sting the way it did. It's just - I don't want it and I don't want you are pretty much interchangeable in this sentence and that is hurting a little. I feel as though perhaps I was a little too blatant tonight in my flirting (although the night he met me I was wearing hardly any clothes and I was flirting hard that night) or perhaps the unintentional comments from M and Y made him uncomfortable. Y said that we might as well have been together as long as Y and M because we fight the same. Right now we are fighting over who gets custody of the phrase, "I'm just sayin'" which it is possible that I stole from him and didn't realize it but I like it and I don't want to have to stop using it. He says I must have stolen it from him because he's older, to which I had no comeback at all. I hate it when he does that!! *grin* He said at one point, "I am not hanging out with you tomorrow! This is too much!" when I was using the phrase but accidentally, not even meant to get at him.

(Just as an aside, on a positive note, I know he mentioned me to his mother, because he said that he told her about us sparring together [which was more like him beating up on me and me giggling and trying to get free]. She asked if he hurt me and he said of course not. From how he talks about his mother, it seems as though lying or evading the truth is not an option, so I wonder if she asked if he had met anyone out here and perhaps that's how I came up. I like to think so, anyway.)

He also said that he might be going to Cuba next week with his boss because the movie has most likely been pushed back. I shrugged my shoulders and dealt with it because clearly, if I want to be with him when he's in the city, I can't be a nag about how much time he spends here. I just have to enjoy what I can get.

When we got to his house, I had to come in and grab a small toiletries bag that I had brought before I knew that I wouldn't be spending the night. I didn't bother to take off my shoes or anything, and I was standing in the entryway, trying to control my voice so that he wouldn't realize that he had hurt my feelings by not wanting to have sex with me. First, I don't want him to ever feel bad about telling me the truth. I would much rather come home alone and unsatisfied than find out that he just did it because I wanted it, not because he was into it. Second, I believe that if you ask a question, you must be prepared to deal with any answer you get. I was not prepared for him to not want to have sex, so his response caught me by surprise, but I consider this to be part of taking personal responsibility and so my response is mine to deal with. I didn't want it to come across as a guilt trip or anything. So, I said goodnight and he came over and kissed me - smoochy-type kiss - and I said, "Call me if you go to Cuba." He said, "I'll call you before that," and then kissed me again. I smiled and left, and although I felt like I might cry in the car, I didn't.

That could also be because I'm pretty tired. I'm not used to sharing a bed with anyone, so that kept me up a bit. Also we went to bed at 10pm Vancouver time and I haven't gone to bed that early in a long while, and I also have this annoying habit right now of waking up after about 4 hours of sleep and feeling wide awake. I just lie there until I fall asleep again but last night that was pretty frustrating. I know that things will look better in the morning and I will be able to see his comment in the spirit it was intended - "I'm not into it, not feeling horny, don't have enough energy, I'm too tired, I simply want to have my bed to myself for the first time since coming home." I know that I haven't done anything gigantic that would cause him to not want to see me anymore (like I said, I was pushing to a point, but it was pretty far away from where I would normally have tried to go) and he did kiss me goodnight and say that he'd call.

And so help me god, I am going to let him call me. I am going to take him out of my phone again and I am not going to cave this time. He knows I'm interested but he made an interesting comment yesterday, talking about a buddy of his and a girl that went on a date with him, and apparently she was saying all kinds of things like, "I've loved you forever. I'm so glad we've finally got together," and S was really unimpressed by this. His idea seems to be that it's not necessary to throw it all out there and that it's good to leave some things hidden or mysterious. Therefore, since he knows that I'm hugely interested, he knows that I am loving the sex, and he knows that I want for us to play, I'm going to let him initiate.

I keep thinking of things that I want to write down because I don't want to forget them, but they don't belong here in the narrative. However, I'm going to add them so that I don't forget.

#1: Last night, here at my house, I showed him my toys. While I was getting things organized to leave, he came into my bedroom and picked up my flogger and smacked the end into his hand. It made me shudder because I *love* that sound. Then he picked up my slapper, pushed me down face first on the bed with my feet still on the floor, and hit me three times with it. His comment, "I like the way it sounds." I was already getting away from being able to talk. It's like as soon as he touches me, in any way, I drop into subspace. It's quite crazy. And then he said, "Lets go," and I had to haul myself back up again and try to be normal. I think he finds it amusing.

#2: Last night we were lying in bed, naked except for my panties (which I showed to him and got, "They're alright." Grrrr!) and I was stroking and scratching his back which he loves. Suddenly, he grabbed my hair and brought my lips to his and kissed me, then proceeded to bite my lower lip so hard that it made me whimper. He did it four times, then suddenly released me and said, "Use both hands on my back," and turned his head away from me. I had dropped so far into subspace at that point that I could barely breathe, let alone respond, let alone do anything but obey. I *love* being there. He stretched his arm back and got under my panties and worked his magic. He ended up flipping over and I got to do some cock worship (which I wish I was allowed to do more of, but he's the boss) and then ended up straddling him, facing his feet. He stripped the panties off me and then was lightly spanking me, then spanking my pussy, and then using his cock to spank my clit. I was writhing around all over the place, and I'm not sure exactly what happened (because I was stoned and a little boozy) but it felt like he inserted. However, every other time, including this morning, he used a condom and I know he didn't use one this time because I was sliding back and forth to use the friction to cum, and sudddenly, he came. I didn't even realize exactly what had happened until he said, "I don't know what the hell you just did ..." I waited for him to say something else but he didn't so I asked, "Was it good?" His response, "Well you made me cum, so yeah I'd say it was good." I'm not worried about pregnancy because I'm on the pill but I am concerned about sexual health and I wanted to talk to him tonight but there wasn't a good time to bring it up.

I need to go get tested again, because it's been a year since Guns and I went and got the full tests done. I want to know when his last test was, and whether we are monogamous right now or what, and what that includes. I didn't think I was going to have that conversation right away but if things like last night happen, then we must be fluid bonded. Otherwise, his unwrapped cock cannot come anywhere near my naughty bits. I can't take that chance. The thing is, I want to fluid bond with him, so it works out for me.

I would like to have that cleared up before he goes to Cuba, if he actually is going to go. Damn, if he goes to Cuba now for a week or two, and goes to work back in Ontario or the oil fields for March and April, I'm barely going to see him. When we were in the grocery store, he made an innuendo to me about it being easy to make me cum and I knocked something off the shelf because I stopped concentrating. I said that it's only when he tries hard that he gets any response and he said, "Do you really think I try that hard? And look at you, you can't even walk straight just from thinking about it!" That's when I said that I plan to spend as much time with him as I can between now and Monday, when school starts, because after that, who knows? Work here, Cuba, work elsewhere...

He also made an innuendo in the liquor store last night. We were looking at the different kinds of Saki and he was comparing a few kinds, and finally he asked my opinion and I said that I would bow to his superior experience. He said, "It's not the first time you've done that, is it?" I laughed and asked him, "Why is it that I feel like my face is bright red?" and lo and behold, I was blushing.

Okay, so this post has done what I wanted it to do. There is so much positive here that I can't allow myself to go to bed thinking that it's a negative situation. He was honest with me - he wasn't into it, for whatever reason, and he told me straight up. I appreciate the honesty and I appreciate the bluntness. He's interested, we're having a good time. It just wasn't happening for tonight but hey, there's always tomorrow.

2007-01-05T11:20:00.000-08:00

I have had a great 24 hours.

Picked up S at the airport and we went for some food at a Cuban restaurant down on Commercial. We ended up drinking some wine back at his house, then heading over to my house for me to grab some stuff. He really liked my house, which was cool. I'm very proud of my house and the way it is decorated so it's nice when people appreciate it.

We bought a few bottles of Saki and another bottle of wine, and when we got back to his house we went for a walk around the block and smoked a joint. I haven't smoked pot since the summer so I got really stoned. It made me giggle a lot. Then we split one of the bottles of Saki - well, when I say split I mean he had most of it and I had two little glasses. I'm still undecided about whether I liked it or not.

And then, we had sex. Mmmmmm. Happy happy girl.

We fell asleep early because he is still on Eastern time, and woke up this morning about 7. Had some more yummy sex, then got up and went for coffee, then breakfast. He, of course, wanted to see if he could scrounge up some work for today or at least for starting Monday. Even though it's snowing down here right now which means it's dumping on the mountains, he'll still work this weekend if he can get some, rather than go use his new snowboard. I have to be impressed with his work ethic.

I'm hoping that he will be free this evening to watch the hockey game over at Y and M's house. It's pay-per-view against Edmonton and if we win, it takes us to 6 in a row. He's not much of a hockey fan but I'm hoping that he'll enjoy watching with us. I was explaining how goofy we get, which is no surprise to him. I think he thinks I'm already goofy, just as I am. *giggle* Getting stoned last night didn't change that opinion, let me tell you. I told him that Y and I were giggling over the idea of sex with a goalie because "they're so bendy!" and his comment was, "I'm just as bendy as a goalie, ya know." Yeah, I know. Have I mentioned YUM?

He kissed me goodbye after cleaning the snow off my car and getting it up the street for me, and making fun of me for being a typical Vancouver idiot in the snow, and he said he'll call me later. I figure that I'll give him until 5 and then I'll send him a text, reminding him about hockey and asking him to bring the wine. I really hope that he'll come because it would be awesome to hang out with him and Y and M. I think that Y and S will get along like a house on fire. They've already met at the party where I met S, but they haven't really had a chance to get to know each other, obviously.

He said, more than once, that he's so glad to be back in Vancouver. Even though his family and his friends are back in Ontario, he said that he feels like this is home to him. And that makes me feel very optimistic about the future.

2007-01-04T00:13:00.000-08:00

I almost felt guilty when I woke up this morning and realized it was 11:30 - Y and L had been up and at work for a couple hours at that point and I didn't even get out of my pjs until 3pm. Lovely.

What was also lovely was getting an email from S with his flight info for tomorrow. Fucking yay! I pick him up at around 2pm which is good because hopefully he won't be too tired and we can hang out and make some dinner and have some yummy good sex. I'm loving the yummy good sex. *grin*

I went back to Y and M's tonight to watch the game - we won; 5 in a row now - and our friend Jamie was there too. After M left for work, the three of us played this hilarious PS2 game called Katamari where you are a little alien dude and you have to roll around this ball and pick up stuff. It's quite entertaining, especially after a few glasses of wine.

I made to my martial arts class tonight which was good - I wasn't sure if I was going to laze out on it. But as always, I was glad that I didn't. We were working on katas that whole class which is my favourite thing to do so even though I worked up quite a sweat (and regretted all those cigarettes) it was great.

The plan for tomorrow - get up at 8 and put laundry in. Snooze until it has to be switched to the drier, then get put another load in and get up. Clean the house, clean outside my house, take books back to the library, get coffee, stop off at WW to get weighed (it's gonna be ugly for the third week running but I'm dealing with it) and then head to the airport. Just in case we end up spending a bunch of time together and he comes back to my place at some point, I want it to be looking its best. I'm a bit of a freak like that. I can't stand to have people in my house until I know that it's spotless. Unfortunately, that means that I have to clean the bathroom, vacuum, wet and dry swiffer the hardwood, dust, do the dishes, take all the shit that piles up on my kitchen counter and redistribute it, and do my laundry.

On the plus side, it will be great to get this big clean done because I have been meaning to do it since my last exam finished, three weeks ago, and instead I have been surface cleaning a little as I go but not really getting down to business. Now I have a reason to get the place in shape.

One of my tips is that I set my timer for an hour, and I tell myself that I will only clean for an hour. However, once I start, my cleaning OCD kicks in and I don't want to stop, so when the timer goes off I ignore it and go on a rampage.

It will also help to occupy some of the 14 hours I have to go before seeing him at the airport.

I'm smitten. Does it show? *laughing*

Woo hoo!

2007-01-03T02:20:00.000-08:00

S called me tonight.

I was over at Y and M's house, watching hockey, and my phone rang when the third period had just started. I looked at the call display and got a huge smile on my face when I realized it was an out-of-town area code. As soon as I picked up, M said, "Baby, come back to bed!" and Y chimed in with some other, admittedly funny, comments too. I was laughing but I decided to take the call into the kitchen and forego watching the rest of the game so that I could concentrate on S.

He sounded exhausted. I wanted to snuggle him, he sounded so tired. We talked for 33 minutes, according to my cell phone, and it was great. He hasn't booked a flight home yet but he wants to fly out on Thursday, regardless of what the cost will be. I told him that I have no plans so if he gets a flight that gets him in at 3 in the morning, that is no problem and I will be there to pick him up. He promised to email me as soon as he books the flight so that I know and can arrange it. I told him that he should nap on the plane because I don't plan to let him sleep right away when he gets home. *grin*

I also mentioned his mention of wanting to buy some hemp rope, and that T sells rope. I told him the price which is extremely reasonable because T is giving me a great discount - 30 feet of treated, ready to go hemp rope for $12.50. S wants to get some, so I plan to ask him how much he wants and then get the ball rolling on this. I said that the rope he used on me that last night before he left was fun but tends to leave rope burn if it's pulled off quickly and he said that he was just going with the moment. I hastened to add that it was awesome, and the "don't move, don't talk" bit was really great too, just in case he had missed it. I firmly believe in giving positive encouragement for sexual behaviour that one wants to have repeated. I can't expect him to read my mind and know how hot I thought that was - and I thought it was really fucking hot.

L showed up while I was on the phone, but it was good. Now that I don't have to be around her all the time, I don't mind spending time with her socially. M left for work and the three of us stayed up until 2am gossiping and chatting. It was really fun. And best of all, I got to run my insecurities about S and his (not yet final) divorce and all that jazz by Y, who is divorced and so is M, so she knows a bit more about how to handle it. She told me that she thinks S is giving me all the right signs that he's interested in more than just a fuck - for example, that he has said he wants to get married again and have kids, and the fact that he emailed me on Christmas and the fact that he called me tonight. In other words, shut up with the insecurities because it's going to be okay. She did have good advice about not moving too quickly; because he is just getting out of a long term relationship he may not want to dive into another serious relationship right away but so long as I don't put the pressure on, while maintaining my interest, then he hopefully won't get scared away. I'm up for the challenge.

Man, I hope he gets a flight for Thursday. That's only two more sleeps away and one of them I am about to do now. I am so tired and I smoked so many cigarettes tonight - I just want to fall into my bed and do nothing but breathe! *lol*

Immortal words from Bridget Jones' Diary

2007-01-01T22:29:00.000-08:00

"I like you ... just the way you are."

2007-01-01T13:42:00.000-08:00

He emailed me today.

Some family shit blew up, they have all been dealing with it, and everything has been put on the back burner. He apologized for being uncommunicative. He also said he wants to catch a flight out today and get the hell out. I can't help but be excited by that comment because it seems as though he has started to see Vancouver as his home. And it means that he would be home and not working right away, so maybe we could spend some time together. He had talked about taking me to Whistler and getting a hotel room with a jacuzzi, which of course I am all over like white on rice.

He said he would try to phone me today, and when I emailed him back I asked for him to let me know asap for when his flight gets in, so that I can arrange to go pick him up. I work tomorrow morning so I'm hoping he can't catch a flight until tomorrow sometime and then I would be done work for the week and able to pick him up and hopefully hang out for a bit after I get him home.

I still feel depressed because of what's going on with my mother, but I haven't figured out any way to deal with it yet. However, the longer it goes, the worse it will get, so maybe I need to just suck it up and head over there today and just have the conversation. It will be terrible but so will letting things deteriorate between us.

She's probably napping right now, so maybe I'll phone her after I have a shower and get the smell of stale cigarette smoke out of my hair. Now if I could just get it out of my lungs too ... no more smoking for me! I quit in February of 2006 but I am one of the people who can have one every once in a while and it doesn't make me start up whole hog again. But the last few days I have been smoking more, and last night I think I smoked close to half a pack, and now today I feel like gross.

Maybe I'll go to yoga tonight. I wonder if the class is cancelled because of New Year's Day and all.

Update:

Just called my mother, who first said she didn't want to talk to me today and then hung up the phone. Then she called back and said that it wasn't just me walking out last night - it was the fact that after I left, Dad called her a liar and said that she always says things and then twists them a few weeks later and he's sick of it and he doesn't want to hear it anymore. (Which is absolutely true, by the way. It's happened time and time again.) And then she told me that she doesn't want to live with him anymore because how on earth does someone you've known for 33 years call you a liar?

The interesting thing is, both Dad and I said that she said one thing and she said another. We both agreed that she had said that she never wanted to go back to this particular place, and she was insisting that she had said that she only didn't want to go back to the same place they stayed, but the town itself she wants to go back to. She said that he always tells her she said one thing when she knows she said another, and that he can never say to her, "Maybe I misunderstood." But why can't she ever say, "Maybe I didn't communicate it very well"?

I don't know what the hell I am going to do with this whole thing. I do know that I am not planning on talking to either parent for a couple days.

2007-01-01T04:23:00.000-08:00

And for the record, it is now 4:23 am on January 1st and I still have not received an email or a phone call. I phoned him today, during a bad moment after I left my parents' house in tears after snapping at my mother, and I couldn't get in touch with Guns. I left him a message, very casual and upbeat, just saying hi, happy New Year's, hope he's having fun with his family and friends and it would be great to hear from him and see how he's doing.

And in return I got - nothing. If he doesn't send me something later on today, at a normal hour when people should be up (and not just getting home from their New Year's parties), I will be incredibly disappointed and it will most likely lead to another day like today, where I didn't get out of bed until 1pm, and then I lay on the couch for 2 hours, staring at the ceiling and listening to music. Very apathetic behaviour, and behaviour consistent with being depressed.

Would it be better to know that I am clinically depressed? Or is it better to think that it's something that I can manage on my own, if I could only get my shit in gear?

And boy, am I glad that I am having this episode this week instead of next when I go back to school. Hopefully it will have run its course by then and I will be back to normal. Or is that called denial? At this point, I just don't know.

2006-12-31T12:20:00.000-08:00

I slept for 11 hours last night, which has helped my emotional stability. I feel less fragile today, although still not great. I wish it wasn't New Year's tonight because I want to stay inside my bubble but unfortunately there is a fabulous party tonight that I don't want to miss.

The plan for the moment is to go to the party around 10:30, suck it up until just after midnight, and if I'm still not having a good time, come home.

The plan for today is to go for a long walk. I need to get some exercise and yesterday I downloaded almost 100 new songs to my i-pod so I have no excuse.

I also need to get my dreams out of my head. I have been dreaming about S non-stop for quite a number of nights. I told Guns that this reminds me of A - I dreamt about him for months! She wondered if that was a red flag against S but I said no. They wear the same cologne which threw me a little, and I have become emotionally involved extremely quickly with S, just like with A (although as I told her, I will deny that last statement if things end up badly). There are similarities in the situation but they don't have anything to do with S as a person compared to A as a person so I don't feel red flags.

However, I'm getting a little sick of it. In last night's dream, S was himself but also kinda Graeme - you know how that works in dreams - and S and L were teaming up on me to smack me around. I was loving it and getting really turned on but then I started to feel claustrophobic and had to not to be touched for a few moments. I remember that feeling very clearly - it was a "red" moment of "get the fuck off me and let me breathe!!"

Who knows what that means!

My New Year's resolution is simply this: to no longer lie to myself. I mentioned that in a post from a few days ago; I have a tendency to hang on longer than I should in relationships because I am afraid or I am desperate for it to work. I don't want to be that person any longer. I was single for 5 years between Mike and T. I know what it's like to be alone and for the most part, I really enjoyed it. It's not anything to be afraid of. Therefore, if things go badly between S and myself, it's not a catastrophe. It means that we weren't meant to be together and I will go back to the solitary life that in many ways I prefer.

And just for the record, he still hasn't called or emailed. He's now been gone a week. It's been 7 days since I saw him, 6 days since he said he'd call, and 5 since he emailed me. Just in case anyone wants to keep count along with me.

Sometimes other people's words say it better than your own

2006-12-31T00:30:00.000-08:00

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.

2006-12-30T16:40:00.000-08:00

Maybe everyone has trust issues.

Either that or I have managed to meet all the wrong guys in my 20-something years on this earth who have given me a trust complex.

Because I don't have any.

~~~

Hmm. Now that I've thought about it a little, I think it may be abandonment issues instead. I have no trust in the fact that I won't be abandoned emotionally. Instead, I'm waiting for it. I wonder - am I putting that fear out there and making it a reality?

2006-12-30T12:45:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I lived in a place where no one knew me and I had no social responsibilities at all.

2006-12-29T21:27:00.000-08:00

I barely slept last night. I couldn't get my brain to turn off. Oh, the joys of being an insomniac. The best was getting up at 3:45 to get ready for work. Bleh.

After I got off work I thought I would take a nap but all the coffee I had swilled had finally kicked in, so I lay on the couch and watched tv all afternoon instead. I planned to go to yoga at 6:30 but the class was cancelled so I did a 45 minute routine at home, followed by 30 minutes of upper body sculpting, followed by a 30 minute walk. Hopefully the exercise and the fresh air will combine to make me sleepy when I get to bed.

Also, I'm trying to avoid thinking about him. I emailed him 2 days ago and haven't got a response yet. All I asked for Christmas from him was a phone call and when he emailed on Christmas Day, he said he would try to call me the next day. Still haven't received one. Still, patience. It is what it is, and I feel better about myself that I have been somewhat busy this evening and haven't spent the whole time moping and wishing for some contact.

I'm trying to convince myself that I won't phone him on New Year's, especially since when we hit midnight, it will be 3 am for him, but somehow I think that the booziness will kick in and at the time it will seem like a great idea. I could leave the phone in the car but ... what if he calls me? I can't take the chance! The goal is to not call or email him for a week and wait and see if he initiates any contact. It would be nice to think that he thinks about me when I don't do the initiation but my expectations are low. It's better that way - lower expectations mean that I don't get disappointed.

2006-12-28T21:02:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to be a rational adult. Logical. Non-judgmental. Non-emotional.

I'm trying to be a grown up. Teenagers are the ones who are supposed to obsess over every little thing - "Does he like me? Why didn't he call?" Aren't we supposed to grow out of that eventually?

I'm thinking to myself, "What would I be doing if I had never met him? What would I be thinking about? Would I be sitting at home, feeling sorry for myself because some guy hadn't called me?" Hell no. Just to type it makes me feel pathetic. If it were turned around and my brother were moping around because a girl hadn't called him in four days and she was away, visiting her family for Christmas, I would call him pathetic to his face.

I would tell him to get his ass off the couch and go do things that he enjoyed, that make him happy, and that if she is truly interested, she'll call. And if she isn't, then it isn't worth wasting energy on anyway because as we've all found out sooner or later, a relationship cannot be forced. As Guns keeps telling me, a person's actions generally don't make a difference if the other person is interested. For example, if S is interested, me calling him two days in a row isn't going to make a difference. If he's interested, me buying him a CD that he really wants for Christmas isn't going to make a difference. He's interested - bottom line. It's only if a person is sitting on the fence that actions can make a person more, or less, interested.

I can't get the read on this, though. S did tell me that I won't be able to figure him out. I know that he's wrong. I figure everyone out, sooner or later. I catch all the little things and file them away under that person's file and it doesn't take me long before I know exactly how a person will react and, with that, how to manipulate them. I took a personality test a while ago and one of the things that it says about my personality is my ability to remember things that are important, to the point of being able to recall conversations nearly word for word, years later, if they were important enough to be etched that deeply into my memory. I know that if I can spend time with S that I will get a read on him too, and I am determined not to lie to myself about this relationship.

I mean really, I knew that T and I had to end, long before I got around to having that conversation with him that set the ending in motion. I knew that R was only going to be good for a fuck and a conversation. I knew that Alan was never going to be interested in me and I knew that he was dangling me for his own pleasure. I knew that Mike was an alcoholic and I knew that Andrew and I would never be compatible. I knew that Graeme would break my heart. But in all those relationships, I allowed myself to fool myself. I allowed the lies to stand because I was so afraid of failing. Again.

But isn't it time to grow up? If S is interested, then he's interested. If he's interested, then it doesn't matter that he hasn't called me yet or emailed me back yet, because it's just that stupid memory of his coming into play. He doesn't seem like he has intimacy problems and he definitely doesn't have commitment problems - although, now that he's (almost) divorced, maybe he has them now.

But I don't know. I haven't had the chance, except for that first night when we talked for hours, to get to know him. He's cooked for me twice. We've shared a bunch of laughs. We shared our martial art rumble on his bed, which showed me that he can beat me six ways from Sunday and I won't ever be able to put one over on him, physically. God, I love that.

It's so hard. The pool of eligible men has gotten smaller and smaller for me. First, it was that he would have to be able to beat me physically, martial arts nonwithstanding. Then, that he would have to be kinky. Now, add intelligent, driven, and naturally dominant to the list. Enter S. Has all these things - but no time, and no memory to at least make me feel like he's thinking about me.

*sigh*

This is where the emotional stupidity comes in. Like I said above, if I were giving advice to someone else in my situation, I would be telling them that it hasn't been enough time to freak out, and that it's not worth it anyway. Wait for him to come back to Vancouver and see what's up then. No point wasting time and energy fretting about something that is probably all in my head. After all, he did tell me that he is the type of person who simply will tell someone the truth straight up. And so far, I haven't gotten any vibe except good, interested, attracted vibe. So what's the problem?

Part of it is that I have no idea when he's coming home. It might be next week, it might be the week after ... if he gets a job in TO while he's there, he would probably take it and stay for the duration.

And part of the problem is that his (not even yet) ex is there. They have been separated for almost a year. I got the impression that January or February is when the divorce becomes finalized. He told me that he was celibate for seven months after they separated, so I know that it's not his wonky time frame coming into play. It has been a few months, but it was also an eleven year relationship and a five year marriage. I don't get the impression that he wants to go back, but it's difficult to tell. He told me that they were best friends, they did everything together, and he thought she was his soul mate. But then he said that they could have stayed together longer, continued to have problems, and still ended up splitting up but hating each other at the end. This way, they ended things when they were still friends.

I was asking a few questions because I wanted to know where he stood in relation to that relationship, and I dunno, he gave me the eye, the questioning eyebrow, and I said, "It's just that she was your wife. It's different, somehow." I've been honest - I've come right out and said that I'm interested. But it's not an ex girlfriend that I'm dealing with - it's an ex-wife. Now, maybe there's a silver lining here, because he's already tried to build a life with her and he knows that it won't work. There's no pull of the unknown. But I want to build a life with him, and it may be shitty timing to have met him because talk about rebound!

I need to chill the fuck out, is what I need to do. I need to relax and let it be, while still letting him know that I am very interested. But because I can't get that read on him, I feel like I can't get too relaxed or he'll think that I'm not that interested after all and move on. The thought of him with someone else, and having to see him in the scene - it makes me want to throw up.

I want a promise of monogamy. I want to say that we're dating. I want to have a little reassurance that this isn't just a sex thing. I do remember him saying, that very first night when we were at his house, that he doesn't usually bring girls home the first night he meets them. He said he likes to get to know them for a few weeks before getting intimate. I remember him saying, when we were still at the party, that there haven't been that many women for him. I wish I had picked up that line when he said it but I was sidetracked by something else in the conversation, and I don't want to pry and straight out ask him how many women he's slept with because that is tacky. And then I would probably have to tell him my number and frankly, I can't remember the exact number and I'm not sure that I want to count it up. And it's all ancient history anyway - I don't need to know the ins and outs of his sexual past. But it would help to give me a map as to what kind of guy he is - maybe he's not out there to fuck everything that came his way. He did go upstairs with D and P at the party but ... by his account, her account, and her account to Y, he wasn't exactly pulling her up the stairs but the other way around.

And so then we get to the next problem that I have - trust. I should trust that what he has told me is the truth, until proven differently. That doesn't mean that I should jump with both feet. It means that he has given me no reason to doubt him (except the Saturday before he left fiasco but we dealt with that and moved on) and therefore, I should take him at face value.

It's just tough with him there, me here, and who knows what going on around him. And I have no idea what's going on inside his head because he's not giving me any indication.

And now I'm going around in circles. Usually writing makes me think linear but apparently, not tonight. So. After spewing all my emotional ramblings onto the screen, I will try to act like a mature, rational, logical, non-judgmental adult and not freak out.

He will email me or call me eventually, even if it's just for a ride home from the airport. This is a lesson in patience. I always say that it's not one of my virtues - I will make it become one.

Xmas 2006

2006-12-25T23:18:00.000-08:00

This goes down in history as one of the worst Christmas' ever.

For the past two days, everything I have done has been wrong, according to my mother. Last night I decided I wanted to go sing carols at my parents' church. I am agnostic so I don't go to church but I really wanted to sing all the carols that I remembered from my childhood. My dad went with me and we had a great time. Got back to their house and he invited me in for a cup of tea. Then my mother said to me, "I got up at 4:30 this morning to look after your dog and it's great that you got 8 hours of sleep and are all wide awake and everything but I want to go to bed!"

I looked at her in incomprehension, then said, "So you want me to leave?"

"Well, you're being really inconsiderate, dusk," she replies.

"So do you want me to leave?" I ask again.

"Yes," she replies, glaring at me.

"So why don't you just say so?"

"I said it in the best way I could!" is her response.

I went upstairs to finish my tea and I heard her saying to my dad that she can't sleep when there is company in the house and she wants to go to bed, but now of course everything is her fault and she's the bad guy. I was in shock. That is her idea of the best way of asking her daughter to leave so that she can go to bed? By making me seem inconsiderate because I am wide awake and apparently making her feel like she has to entertain me? And let me add for the record - this was at 830. It's not like it was midnight. And yes, I was awake because I hadn't gotten up until 2, because I drove S to the airport at 5am that morning and we hadn't gone to sleep, but I was hardly rubbing her face in it or keeping her up if she wanted to go to bed. My father and I were hanging out - she wasn't necessary at all.

Of course, that could have been the problem. She gets jealous when my dad and I hang out, although she would never admit it. But I think because we had gone to church and then come home and made tea together that she wanted to break up our little party.

Then this morning she called at 11 and informed me that she hadn't slept last night because she was feeling sick, and she would prefer it if I cooked the dinner today. Fine. No problem. She wasn't asking very nicely and her tone left a lot to be desired but it's Christmas so I was polite and nice and agreed.

When I got to their house, at 1130 on the button which is when my brother and I had said we would arrive, I hear them talking about me as I am downstairs taking off my shoes. My brother was wondering when I would be arriving and my mother said, in the snottiest tone possible, "Well, I woke her up at 11 so who knows when she'll get here."

I announced my presence and heard her continue to talk but too quietly for me to hear anything she said. Great. What a way to start Christmas morning.

We did stockings and presents. We don't go in for much materialistic stuff in our family so there wasn't that much to do. I was in the kitchen, getting my mum and dad and brother refills of the cider my mum makes - I wanted a refill too but there wasn't enough so I gave it all to everyone else - and Mum asks if I was staying for lunch. "I suppose so," I replied, because my brother and I always stay for lunch on Christmas morning.

"You'll have to make it yourself then," she retorts. Fine. Then she goes into the living room and sweetly asks my brother if he's staying. He says yes and she says, "Dusk's going to make it." Fine. Not only did I make dinner last night for my parents', and not only am I making Christmas dinner, but let me make lunch for everyone as well.

After lunch my dad was on the phone with one of his siblings when Mum decided she wanted to get the turkey ready. That's my dad's job, so she calls from the kitchen, "Can you go tell Dad that we need to do the turkey now?" My brother says okay and she says, "Dusk?" Fine. I go, ask my dad if he can call the person back in a few minutes because the turkey needs to get done and Mum is freaking out. He gets off the phone and goes to take care of business.

I called my best friend and told her I needed to get the hell out of my house. We met for coffee and I was almost crying, I was so upset. There is absolutely no reason for my mother to suddenly be treating me like this. We usually get along fairly well, although her communication skills are hugely underdeveloped and as I get older I realize just how stunted they are. I find it to take a huge amount of energy on my part to act a particular way around her that will not result in her taking offense or getting angry. However, there was nothing that I had done at this point to warrant her words. It doesn't come across well in print but it was her tone of voice - the sharpness, the muttering under her breath that I'm not supposed to hear but I can get the jist of.

I tried to bolster myself when I went back but it was still terrible. She wanted me to do the potatoes, peas, gravy, and brussel sprouts. I asked when the potatoes should go on, time wise so that everything would be timed to the turkey. She said that 415 would be good. It was 345. I sat in the living room for 20 minutes and read a magazine, but finally got up and went into the kitchen to see what all the banging was about. She had already put the potatoes on and made the gravy. When I asked her why she had done that, she retorted, "Well you were just sitting in the living room doing nothing and it had to get done!" It was 405 at this point - 10 minutes before she had told me that I should start cooking. But whatever. Fine. She took the potatoes off and put the brussel sprouts on to steam and then finally left the kitchen, asking snarkily over her shoulder if I know how to make the peas. They are the kind that come in the bag, you put a slit in the top and put in the microwave. Yeah, Mum, I think I can handle it. She had simply said to take the brussels off when they were done, so when I considered they were done, I took them off the heat.

Carving the turkey with Dad was fine. We always drink wine and giggle and eat the stuffing with our fingers and nibble on the best parts of the bird. Finally we sat down to eat and I didn't talk to my mother that much. Really, at this point, I didn't have anything to say. I did respond when she took a bite of her brussel sprout and remarked, "You must like your vegetables al dente. I would have cooked these for longer, but I suppose they are all right."

I said, "I like crunchy vegetables." My brother actually chimed in and stuck for me and said he thought they tasted fine. Which they did. It was just another thing to pick at me about.

After dinner Dad and I were dealing with carving the rest of the bird and putting the leftovers away. He was trying to make me feel better by joking around. I said, "I don't understand though. I didn't do anything to deserve the way that she has been treating me today. And ... it's sad. It makes me sad." And then a few tears escaped from the barricade that I had been holding up all day. He understands though. He gets the same treatment a lot of the time. He was trying to give me memories of times past when she wasn't like this, but it's hard to remember them. It's hard to remember a time when she wasn't judgmental or picking at either my father or myself. Never at my brother though. Even though he is completely unreliable and selfish, even though he would not do anything for my parents if it seriously inconvenienced him, even though he only uses my parents and me when he needs us but is never there when we need him - she still spent the majority of the evening chatting with him and there was no snarkiness or picking at him. I don't understand that either.

Mum came in to put some stuff in the fridge and looked at the plates of leftovers I had put together for myself and my brother. She snifffed, "I didn't realize you were taking stuffing." I gave us each a little bit of everything that was left over, and she hadn't said not to take anything in particular.

I did the dishes, even though my brother had said that he would. However, it's difficult to do the dishes when you are not in the kitchen, so I just did them. He did come in and dry, but really. Please don't put yourself out at all.

Dad and I disappeared downstairs so I could show him Dinosaur Comics on the computer. Oh I love that comic strip. Then we looked at maps of Ontario so I could see where S has gone to for Christmas, and we talked about trips that we had taken when I was little and had gone to Ontario to see family.

When we reappeared upstairs, Mum wanted pictures, so there are two pictures of my brother, Mum and me. I'm not happy to be in either one. Dad and I got a picture together and that one is going to be a better memory for me to carry from today.

And then, after everything, after her making me feel like I was stupid or incompetent or both, she hugged and kissed me goodbye like everything was fine, wished me Happy Christmas, and reminded me that we are going to see "Charlotte's Web" together this week.

WTF???

She spends the last 24 hours making me feel like I'm not welcome in her home or that I can't be trusted to do anything more complicated than putting water on to boil, and then suddenly butter won't melt in her mouth.

Thank goodness for Dad, who cheered me up and hung out with me. Thank goodness for Guns, my best friend, who let me rant for an hour and tried to give me solutions to make the situation better. And the best part of my day was finding an email from S, apologizing for not phoning me today but he had left his phone at his apartment and he was at the family's house all day so he emailed instead to say hi. I had told him that the only thing I wanted from him this Christmas was for him to phone me while he was away, but I didn't expect a phone call on Christmas Day. I figured he would be so excited to be back with his boys (his nephews) that he wouldn't give me a second thought. After all, we haven't been seeing each other for that long and he does have memory problems. But he did think of me and he emailed me, and it made me feel special on a day when I didn't feel special at all.

The memories that I choose to keep from today are:
- the philosophy magazine that Dad bought for me
- that first bite of moist stuffing, scooped up with my fingers amidst giggles with Dad
- love from Guns (always)
- looking at the maps with Dad
- the email from S and the thrill I got when I saw his name in my inbox

The rest of it - gone. This is my therapy: writing it down for anonymous strangers to read. And now that it's written, I don't have to keep it any longer. Whatever the reasons my mother has for treating me like she did today ... I don't need to carry any of those remarks or emotions. I know who I am. I know that I am a good person, a person worthy of being treated with respect, especially by my family. And I refuse to let her attitude or her problems negatively affect my life. I will rise above it and be the bigger person.

2006-12-25T00:21:00.000-08:00

When I was 15 I met a man of 23 who had it. We were together on and off for 3 years.

When I was 24, I met a man of 30 who had it. We eventually slept together but his words of wisdom have been more important to me than our sexual adventures.

And now, at 27, I've met a man of 38 who has it.

What is it, you ask? I'm not sure. It's the way they are, their personality, that evokes a certain response in me. I call myself submissive but really, when it gets down to obeying someone on a regular basis, outside of sex or play, I have no interest. The idea of rules and punishments and rewards and all that jazz sounded incredibly attractive to me - until I tried it and realized that unless the guy is going to run my life exactly the way that I want it to be run, I'm not going to pay the slightest attention. Unless he knows the ins and outs of all the decisions that I make and why I do things a certain way, I'm not going to listen if he tries to "lay down the law."

And yet, I am submissive, to the right person. And so far in my life, I have only met three men that can evoke that automatic response that doesn't set off the "fuck you" instinct of non-obedience. Maybe it's because they are dominant naturally, and they enjoy being in charge of their surroundings. I'm not sure.

I do know that with G, it was his way or the highway, and even when it sucked to pick his way, it was better than the alternative. There were very few instances of disobedience from me, and it was never a conversation or negotiated or anything like that. I knew that I liked him being in control and I knew that I liked it when he hurt me physically. I had no idea that there was anything called BDSM or that other people acted this way or enjoyed the same things that I did. I was innocent of all preconceptions and had no problems submitting myself to his will. It just came naturally.

With R, it was different because we weren't in a romantic relationship. Rather, he was saving me from bashing my head against a wall that wasn't ever going to come down and in the process I allowed myself to be seduced. But it didn't really make a difference - before and after we slept together I still felt submissive to him. I wanted to obey him and the situation didn't allow for it. I'm not going to get into all the details here but suffice it say that I had to make a choice eventually and the pull that he exerted on me meant that I chose him. Thank god, in retrospect, but at the time I was being pulled in two different directions. Rich and I had many conversations that had me feeling that pull, feeling that whatever that evoked this response.

And now, I've met S, and it's the same feeling. He's a naturally dominant man who knows what he wants and it's taking no effort on my part to want to follow his lead. With him, I feel submissive without ever feeling like I am giving up who I am, or abandoning my own strength. For a long time, my signature line read: Meet my strength with more of your own. I never wanted to feel that I had to become less to fulfill that submissive side, and yet with these dominants that I met, that's how it ended up. I had to sublimate parts of me to fit into their box. With S, I feel like all parts of me can be at full strength and yet I can still be submissive. It's so easy to follow his lead and to fall into that place that I occupied with R and G.

And it scares me, because this is what I have been looking for. This is the type of personality I need to be with in order to feel happy in all parts of my life. I have only ever met 3 men who can do this, or be this, and only S is the right timing that it could even be a relationship that lasted. I was too young with G, and there were other complications with R that meant that what we were was all we could ever be together. Here I've met a single man who has everything I could have ever thought of wanting in a man, all rolled up into one package, and it's scary. Because what if this is just a teaser and it's not meant to be? I can handle the demise of relationships where I knew it had no future. But here ... this is what I want.

2006-12-14T00:09:00.000-08:00

"I don't know that I can put it into words, the characteristics that my Sensei has that I want a Dom to have. Maybe it's more of a feeling, or an evocation. Maybe I'll just know it when I come across it. I have known one other person who commanded my obedience in the same way although we were not romantic and he is certainly not into D/s. He is just naturally the way he is and it evoked something in me that didn't allow me to be any different when I was around him. Maybe that is what I need to try to find. Maybe it's not so much about having compatible kinks or limits but finding the person that I fit with.

This from the girl who a few days ago decided that love doesn't exist for her. But that is another entry on another day, because I gotta go to bed. "

This from an entry written back in March, before I met T.

It's interesting. I may have met the person with whom I fit. We met at a party and spent the whole time talking. He invited me back to his house afterwards, cooked me gnocchi, and then we had the best sex of my entire life. I had bite marks on my neck and one on my thigh that didn't fade for a week. Yum.

His work schedule and my exam schedule have meant that we haven't seen each other since, although we've talked on the phone a bunch and emailed. Hopefully I will be seeing him this weekend.

I woke up on the Sunday, in his bed, and thought to myself that this is the man that I am going to marry. And I have never had that thought about anyone before.

But once again, I need to go to bed, so this entry will have to be cut short.

Can you keep your fingers crossed for me that there will be little or no "closet asshole" in this one? I want to feel optimistic about love, even if it's just for a little while.

2006-10-17T01:39:00.000-07:00

I am giggling to myself right now.

On L's blog she has a post about an annoying co-worker who apparently bumped into her on purpose, tried to force a confrontation, then fingered her as she was leaving the office. Whatever. But then L's words:

"Apparently her modus operandus is only to be bitchy to others as long as she's sure that the others in the office don't like that person either."

It sure seems to me that she has just admited that people in her office don't like her. Not that I would be surprised but still. The title of her post is "Annoying Bitch is also stupid." Amen to that. *grin*

2006-10-15T23:14:00.000-07:00

It's over as of Friday.

It's like a huge weight just lifted off my shoulders, one that I didn't even realize I was carrying around. I hadn't realized that this relationship was taking up so much of my emotional energy until I didn't have to think about it anymore.

To give him props, he did come to me and say that we needed to talk, and he said that he'd thought a lot about what I had said that day in the park and that I had been right. It isn't fair to me to expect me to stay in the relationship when he can't give me what I need. He plans to be bringing home a lot of projects from work and will have less time to spend with me. Etc etc. The end of the day is that he wasn't willing to put me and my needs above L and her needs. But that's okay. I saw clearly what kind of person he is and even if he had decided to kick her to the curb, I had already seen that our relationship was not the most important thing to him. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't put me first. I have bloody good reasons for that which I won't get into here but suffice it to say that it's not as selfish as it sounds.

The good thing about it all is that I got to see how my communication skills work. I read the most amazing book, called Crucial Conversations, and it has changed the way I deal with conflict in my personal relationships. I was able to practise my skills over the past six months and I can honestly say that I can look back on all my interactions with T and L and not feel ashamed about how I acted (except maybe while we were away on the trip but those were extenuating circumstances so I'm cutting myself a break). And because I showed T my skills constantly by never yelling at him or acting out, he felt comfortable at the end to initiate the conversation and say the things that he needed to say. That gives me a sense of accomplishment. I know that the next relationship that I have will only benefit from the experiences that I had over the past six months.

I have more things to add to the informal "things that are non-negotiable" list. I have more things that can come off of that list because I have realized that they are not as important as I once thought they were. I am a better communicator. If I had to put this relationship into the positive or negative column, I would not think twice about putting it into the positive.

And now I am blessedly once again single and can spend the next few weeks being by myself and taking stock, doing a "spring" clean of the house, finish the bathroom painting and the other projects that I want to get done, and put my mind back to where it should be, which is school. Although I was single for five years before I met T, I am glad to be back to it. Relationships take an awful lot of work and unless the person is bloody special, it's too much work for not enough return.

2006-09-30T17:40:00.000-07:00

It didn't end.

Maybe it should have, though.

He seems to think that even though we had the conversation, everything will just continue as it always has. Riiiight.

They moved into their new place yesterday. I got there as things were already being moved from the elevator to the truck so I didn't bother to go upstairs - I just jumped in there. I don't know what L was doing upstairs and how much she was helping but I will tell you that when everything was loaded into the truck and we all went to the new house and unloaded, she didn't come with us. When I mentioned that she wasn't there, T said that she was cleaning at the apartment. So basically she got her brother and friends to move her while she did other stuff. They had possession of their apartment until 1 o'clock today so it's not like whatever she was cleaning couldn't have been put off until this morning. But really, why am I surprised?

T didn't call me this whole week. We had our conversation on Monday and he called me on Friday afternoon to find out where I was and when I would be coming to help. Never mind that I had told him on Monday that I had a chiro appointment and wouldn't get there until after 5:30. Why would he listen?

And before anyone thinks that I am being unfair and that I probably forget things that he tell me, yes I admit it. But I do pay attention when we are making plans and he tells me that he can only meet at such-and-such time, or that he has an appointment that evening so we can't meet then. I don't think he really pays any attention to much that I say.

Including the conversation we had on Monday. I think that he thinks that everything will just blow over and will go back to the way it was before. Guess what - it isn't. I am no longer going to spend the majority of "our time" at his house. If he want to see me, he can come to my house. And if she calls him while he's here, it had better be at times that are socially acceptable. And if I do go and spend time at his house, she is not just automatically included in our plans. If he wants to invite her to come somewhere with us, he needs to ask me first if it's okay with me. If he doesn't talk to me first, I will walk out.

I just spoke to my housemate about the whole thing. She gave me some really good advice. She said that I shouldn't ignore her because that uses up too much energy (which is what B said too, dammit). I should be pleasant and treat her like a stranger, like "Hey L. That's a nice outfit." Some kind of generic compliment and then move on. That way, when things do end up blowing up, it will be because of her actions, not mine.

I'm also looking forward to when she tries to initiate play between us again. I know that she also assumes that my mood will pass in regards to her and that one day things will be peachy between us again, and at that point I know that she will ask if we want to play. My housemate said that I should say, "No thanks. You don't turn me on and I have no desire to play with you." Simple, (mostly) polite and irrefutable.

As for T, well. I think I'll give it the good old college try for the next month. If things are still just as stupid on October 31 as they are today, I will give it up as an experience where I learned a lot but ultimately not where I want to live my life.

2006-09-25T11:28:00.000-07:00

Ready? Here we go.

There's a good chance that T and I are going to be over after today. I finally have hit the wall. Here's what happened.

Saturday night: he's at my house, exhausted. We go to bed early. His phone rings and wakes me up at about 2 in the morning and I immediately think that it's L and something has happened to her. Maybe she's thinking about suicide again, or actually has tried and this is someone else phoning to tell T. So I am the one who wakes T up, gets the phone, watches anxiously over his shoulder as he checks his call display and sees that it's her. I'm the one who makes him phone back when his first call goes straight to voicemail.

And it turns out that all she wanted to know was should she bring him home any McD's. Did I mention that it's 2 in the morning? And he's at my house? So my response, loud enough that she can hear it, is "Are you fucking kidding me? At 2 in the morning? That's nice, L, that's really fucking nice." T of course says nothing except that he'll see her tomorrow, and I hear her tell him, "Tell her to go fuck herself." I reply, "Go fuck yourself."

T hangs up the phone. I am so angry that I'm shaking with it. He tells me that I'm taking this as if she were being malicious and I respond that I am taking it that she is thoughtless. He says that he told her that he would probably be coming home so she didn't know that he would be here with me. I ask him sweetly if he is usually up at 2 in the morning and when he says no, I feel slightly vindicated in my anger.

It turns into a "conversation" (I use that term loosely because that usually refers to two people talking but this was more just me talking to him and him not responding) where I ask him if I matter to him. When he says yes, of course I do, I then ask if I matter more than her. He sounds shocked that I would ask such a thing, not because the answer is that I do matter more, but because I am forcing him to confront this situation that I do not matter more.

He says that this thing with L will cause tension. I almost start laughing as I inform him that there is already tension. He lives with his ex while he dates someone else and he thinks that there wouldn't be tension? I explain that while I would never tell him he couldn't live with her anymore, I hate the situation and what I do is keep the problems and the tension from him.

Clearly that has been my mistake.

Today I am meeting him after he gets off work and I will be telling him the following:

After Mike and I broke up after that terrible situation where he didn't come home and help me when I was hysterical and begging for him on the phone, I promised myself that I would never be with someone who did not put me first in their priorities. Mike ranked alcohol above me - he's an alcoholic and I have let go of most of my bitterness around that relationship but it did teach me a few things about myself.

I have clarified that over the past two days to realize that I put T's well-being, be it emotional, physical, or mental, at the top of my priority list. If I want to take an action that will affect his life, I think about whether it will be a positive or negative thing for him and then take action accordingly. I demand the same respect. It doesn't mean that he can't have other priorities. I have school and martial arts and work and my family and B and T. But if T is affected, he gets the highest consideration. I demand the same.

Right now I think that he doesn't think his actions through, beyond the immediate. I plan to use a work analogy and say that he wouldn't just sit and start at his drawings at work and expect for the work to get done. It takes forethought and planning and execution from him to achieve the proper end result and a relationship is just the same. It takes work to make it work.

I plan to tell him that I have made the following choice. My choice is that I will not be in a relationship with someone who is not willing to treat me with the same respect that I show for them. His choice then becomes very simple. If I am important to him and he wants to keep me in his life then he needs to make the commitment to treat me with respect. If he cannot or will not make that commitment then I would rather know now and walk after five months rather that try to build a future with someone that is doomed to failure.

I have the feeling that he will not be willing to make the commitment. In which case I am better off, but it's still going to hurt. We'll see.

As an end note, I was reading L's blog today to see if she wrote anything about that situation. She seems to have no concept of what is appropriate and what is not, so I wouldn't have been surprised if she had.

These two quotes come from her:

Oh ya, and T is on the rag right now. Beware all.

The only reason I got up this morning to answer my dad's call to my cell phone was to give him shit for calling me before noon. 11:30am is not noon, hello!

To the first quote, yes, this is the maturity level that I have to deal with.

To the second, hello pot? Yeah this is kettle. You're black.

I almost posted that to her blog but I reminded myself that if T does indeed choose to work at things with me, I will need to keep things between L and myself from deteriorating past repair.

Although I have been considering that I will no longer spend time with her. T may have her for his roommate; he may choose to do things like go for dinner with her like he did last week - that does not mean that I am stuck spending my time and energy on her. So. That will need to be a part of my negotiation with T tonight. That is what it feels like - a negotiation. What are we each willing to spend to get the result that we want?

On my wish list is a boyfriend who treats me with respect, who doesn't let his ex/roommate come between us, and maybe the possibility of a long term future together. But his wish list may very well be a simple life that requires no forethought and no personal responsibility, in which case we will be done.

So. T and I may be over after tonight. I feel nothing but resignation at the moment. I hope that my calm will carry me through the conversation. I hope that I don't cry.

I hope I can be strong enough to walk away if that is what is necessary. I have found levels to my strength in the past to do hard things but I am just so tired of being alone.

2006-08-10T18:52:00.000-07:00

You know what pisses me off? The fact that I try to communicate with my boyfriend about play and end up feeling like an idiot because he doesn't seem to care. I emailed him three pictures last night - two of girls riding wooden ponies* and one of a very fun rope bondage scene and I mentioned that the pony has always made me feel hot and the rope picture looks fun because the girl is so open to many different activities - let your brain wander and start thinking of your girlfriend and those activities ... are you turned on?

Well apparently not because I didn't even receive an email saying "Thanks for the pictures. Interest duly noted." It's not like I said that I wanted him to use these ideas the next time we play although god knows when that will be because he never wants to fucking touch me in the slightest bit, unless he's sleeping. Yes, that's right, when he's sleeping, he will either grab my hair and push my face onto his cock or he will attempt to get me off but it usually doesn't work because I am so aggravated that the only time my boyfriend wants to touch me is when he is sleeping and probably dreaming that I am someone else. He also never initiates blow jobs when he isn't sleeping. I have initiated all the last ones for the past two months or so.

Maybe he has a low sex drive. Maybe he is really tired. Or maybe he just doesn't find me attractive in a sexual sense and hasn't figured out how to break up with me yet. Although he did tell me that he loves when he was drunk last weekend, so maybe he loves me but just not in that "I can't keep my hands off you because you make me so horny" kind of way.

It makes me feel so unattractive.

Even after our play on the weekend with L he didn't initiate anything. I know that he tried to get me off but I'm not counting that. He wasn't even the one to initiate that play - L was. I'm gunshy about asking for it because he either says yes but we don't or we do but I feel like he really didn't want to and then that makes it hard for me to enjoy anything. Anyway, after our play we were in the shower together and even though he had a hardon he didn't say anything until after I made a flippant comment that I could get out of the shower now or I could help him out with it. He chose (b) and he seemed to really enjoy himself - I've never been the world's greatest cocksucker but if you can make the guy cum in less than five minutes using only your mouth (look ma, no hands!) then I must be doing something right? But if that's the case then why doesn't he want it more often?

Our first date he did lots to me. He tied my hands behind my back and fed me wine from the wineglass. He kissed me using his tongue! (He hasn't done that since, except for Saturday when he was trying to get me in the mood for the crotch rope and vibe, etc.) He stuffed my wet panties into my mouth (he also remarked how much he liked the g-string so I have worn it many times since then trying to get a reaction but nope, nothing) and he used his fingers and his mouth on me. He made me get naked and he inspected me while he was still fully clothed. He turned me on sooo much that night and yet since then, there has never been a repeat. It's like he wants to get me off as soon as possible so that he can stop touching my obviously disgusting body.

I'm not sure when the last time was that he went down on me, unless it actually is the last time I can recall and that was when he was still chaining me to his bed at night. He did that the first three times I slept at his house, so if it is that time then we are talking early April. I used to get so wet when he would grab the chain but then he would lock it around my ankle, roll over and go to sleep, leaving me to deal with my horniness as best I could. I used to get wet when he would spoon me and wrap his hand around my wrist like he was holding me in bondage but since nothing ever happened afterwards, my body has stopped responding. In fact, my body has learned well that there is no point getting turned on around him because nothing ever happens. I finally took a bottle of lube over to his house the last time I stayed there because I can't masturbate without lube, and I lay there next to him after he fell immediately asleep and I got myself off.

It's not even that I mind getting myself off. God knows that I don't orgasm easily with another person and half the time I fake it because it's easier for me than dealing with what I think that they are thinking about me (which goes along the lines of: why are you not cumming already? For fuck's sake, I have better things to do than spend more than five minutes on getting you to cum. Did you say you wondered why I never touch you??) I have a problem with being in a relationship that is only four months old and thinking that the spark is gone (I assume) and that if our relationship continues then I have nothing to look forward to in the way of sex.

And in the words of my good friend Lori, life is too short for bad sex.

I don't know what this means. I don't know if I am going to say anything to him about it. I don't know what I would say even if I tried. I thought being enthusiastic every time we had sex would make him want to do it more. I thought being enthusiastic about play and even bringing my toys over to his house because that is where we are most often would make him more interested in hitting me. I thought that sending him pictures of things that interested me with short little captions as to why I sent those particular pictures would make him think about me and sex and play but he has been home from work for at least an hour and a half tonight and he hasn't called or emailed or made any attempt to talk to me.

Just when I think I have everything figured out and balanced in my life, something has to fall. I just wish it was something that was easier to fix because I don't think I have the tools to fix this. And as easy as it is to give others the advice to walk away from relationships where you are not getting your needs met, it's a whole lot harder to try to walk in those shoes.

*If you don't know what the wooden pony is, google it. It has nothing to do with an actual pony.

2006-08-06T21:15:00.000-07:00

We played yesterday - T and L and I. L initiated it the night before by saying how between the two of them, they had all this BDSM equipment and none of it was being used. We decided to play the following day.

Saturday rolls around and L started up the conversation with me about stuff I like or don't like because her and I have never had that conversation. At one point she said "I know you don't like D/s stuff," and I responded with "Not in this particular context, no." I cannot give her power over me. I just absolutely cannot. I don't feel like straight bottoming and topping has to have a power exchange component and if we just keep it that way then it is okay.

So we went into T's bedroom and I was just in my underwear - on purpose. It was supposed to send a message but they both missed it. So much for the unspoken word. Anyway, L brought out her hood and T laced me into it, and then L clipped the blindfold into place and asked me to get on the bed on all fours. I do so, and then felt something trying to be pushed into my mouth. I said I wanted to see it first, so she showed me the gag. It was a leather penis gag and I was okay with that, so that got clipped on too.

T started out by using the flogger and it was lovely. Really, all of it was lovely although I got scared with the nipple clamps and although I didn't safeword, they didn't push me with them when they could tell I was unhappy with them. Today I'm wishing that I hadn't been such a wuss but yesterday I couldn't do it.

I got spanked and caned and nails down my back and the Wartenburg Wheel and all good stuff. Then T tied a crotch rope on me and added a vibe and they sat back to watch me get off. No fucking way that was happening. Not only was the knot not quite in the right spot but I was not comfortable at all with the idea that L was going to watch that. Since orgasms are almost completely mental with me, I shut it off and just lay there. They took the gag out and T kissed me a few times - trying to warm me up a bit or something. I kissed him back but otherwise was unresponsive. L pinched my nipples and did a little bit of that kind of stuff and I responded; they hit me a little bit more and I responded to that but I was having none of the clit stimulation. T turned off the vibe and started doing some manual stimulation (through the underwear - I would have been right pissed if he had gone underneath it since I was wearing it for a reason!) and I finally said "Are you guys going to be mad if I tell you I'm just not in the right place for that?" L said no, of course not, and T stopped and they started untying me.

I didn't realize it until just right now why I have been feeling so unsettled since then, but I think it is because that wasn't negotiated. I feel violated, in a sense. I didn't give permission for sexual contact to happen because I am unable to be sexual without a power exchange happening. I left my underwear on as an unspoken message that I did not want to be touched there. Since I am usually naked with T when we play and I walk around the apartment naked and don't care if L is there or not, I thought that they would understand that I wasn't comfortable with that. I guess it's partly my fault for not making that clear but I didn't think I had to.

The shitty thing is that I think that if all this other stuff wasn't swirling in the mix between T and L and I, I could have a sexual experience with her and it would probably be great. But I worry that if I were to allow myself to give her that power, I would become too vulnerable and I can't risk it. It scares me to imagine myself in any way, shape, or form under her power because I know that she is unstable. But I also know that we play well together and there aren't that many situations where I would even dream of allowing a female to touch me.

I'm very confused about what I want. I may actually be in sub drop a little bit, because I'm crying right now and it isn't that big of a deal to warrant tears. Now that I think about it, that's exactly what is happening. No wonder I can't concentrate on studying.

I'm wondering if maybe I tell them that I want to experiencing topping and let her bottom, and see if that balances out what I am feeling. Maybe if it is going both ways I won't feel like she is trying to take power from me. She may not be but when I explained the whole situation to my housemate, she agreed and said that that is what it sounded like to her. I want to try topping and with T there to do the main part, I could watch and do the bits that L did to me - the clamps, the nails, the little bit of spanking and the wheel and such.

That is what I am going to do. *sigh* Sometimes I just need to talk with my fingers to figure out what is going on in my head.

Fantasies

2006-07-21T00:09:00.000-07:00

I have always been turned on by humiliation. I can remember masturbating when I didn't even know about sex yet, and I would get myself off thinking about humiliating or embarrassing situations. And interestingly enough, my fantasies never have me as the starring role. I might inhabit someone else's body for the duration, kind of like a dream where it isn't you but you are inside the person's mind, but it is never me, the person I am inside my own mind.

Which is good, because the stuff that I get myself off to is some crazy shit. Completely non-consensual, usually man on man because gay porn is hawt, or mind control stuff where the person can't help themself. Or just abject humiliation for the bottom. And most of the time, the male is the bottom, even though in "real life" I have no desire at all to top a male. I am just starting to entertain the idea of topping a woman but I don't like seeing submissive men. It makes me feel kind of weird - maybe that's how other people feel when they witness any kind of BDSM act? I dunno. I would never say that out loud because it makes me seem intolerant which I don't think I am - I'm all about do whatever makes you feel good. It's just not something that I want to get involved with, I guess.

I want it to be Saturday because I want to be getting hit with my flogger. I just wish that I didn't have to be hung from the roof first, but it's all about compromise. First T can suspend me and hit me with his canes (I'm assuming, anyway) and then he will finish it off with the flogger. Or I suppose if Lisa comes that she could always flog me afterwards. We did have an amazing scene in the dungeon at a party where she flogged me (her first time ever with a flogger) and then spanked me. My only complaint was that it could have been harder but that was because she warmed me up so well. But then it's not really a surprise that she would know how I like to be spanked, considering that she dated J for a year, a while before he ever met me and delivered my first spanking.

I want it to be Saturday, right now. Damn powers don't seem to be working. *sigh*

2006-07-20T19:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is not nice of me. But dammit, I almost burst out laughing when it happened last night.

I have been asking T to read a book called "Crucial Conversations" which is the best self help book ever written. I have learned so much about how to communicate through reading this book and I want everyone in my life to read it too so that all our communication can be improved. Anyway, so T has had it at his house for a week or two and it has been sitting on the dining room table ever since, so I took it back last night. I offered it to Lisa to read and her exact words were: "No, my communication is fine." Yeah. If telling people that they are stupid when they get anything wrong, no matter how small, and getting so defensive when you are in the wrong that you yell at everyone else and alienate the people in your life, then yes, your communication is great.

Please!

But I let it go. All I said was, "That's what I thought, until I read this book." And I left it at that.

However, even though T refuses to read the book and still evinces huge issues with "talking about his feelings" I have convinced him to talk to me if things piss him off. When he realized that it was really okay with me to use phrases like "pissed off" or "fucking angry" he apprehensively said okay. After all, he's used to being yelled at when he tries to express himself. I have at least a year, if not longer, of bad conditioning to undo but I am convinced that if I am patient, and he doesn't live with Lisa for too much longer, that I will succeed and at least get him to the point where we can have conversations about what is going on betweeen us.

On a completely different topic, we are going to a play party on Saturday and I think that I am going to surprise him and wear the green apron that he asked for me to wear sometime for him. I might feel a little silly wearing such an item at a public event but I want him to know that I will bend myself over backwards to fulfill his fantasies, especially since he is said okay for me to bring my flogger. Yay!

2006-07-19T00:02:00.000-07:00

Really, I'm a bit of a bitch. Or a hypocrite or something.

I talked to Lisa on the phone yesterday. I was calling T but he was out tending to the "children" - apparently he's bought himself a tomato plant and some herb plants. I mentioned that I had read that she was coming to Lori's party and she, hesitantly, said, "Yeah. Is that okay?" I of course said that it was fine, as though I had no hesitations at all.

I guess I just wish that I had had a chance to talk to her before we all hang out again. I still want to address with her the way that she talks, sometimes. It's not what she's saying - it's the tone of voice and the way that it is delivered that bothers me. I stop feeling safe and I retreat into silence which does no good for my emotions as I just end up sitting and stewing in them.

Maybe tomorrow I can find some time to talk with her, as I'm going over there after martial arts class. I know that she will get defensive and probably angry, and will probably lash out at me so it's best to do it when we are not planning on heading out and being with other people. But I don't want to be drinking in public when she starts mouthing off at T again for some imagined slight or another because I don't think I will be able to keep my mouth shut and it will end up being a bad scene all around.

*sigh*

The main thing I have to keep in mind is that I do like her and would like to continue to maintain a friendship with her, but it has to be built on mutual respect or it's just not going to work.

On a different topic altogether, I have just started only working one day a week because my grades are slipping. I received a midterm back in one of my philosophy classes and I only achieved a 65%. That is the lowest grade that I have got, ever, in post secondary. I also got an essay back that was a B- which is almost the lowest grade ever. I haven't had any time what with work, martial arts, and spending my free time with T and B. Having a boyfriend takes up a lot of time, it seems! The end of this month is four months for us - I don't keep track and we don't have an anniversary but I just counted it up and I can't believe it's been a third of a year already! We've made some tentative plans to go camping the weekend after the Labour Day long weekend as all the kids will be back at school and hopefully the campgrounds will be less crowded. I'm pushing the idea of going to Tofino because I haven't been to the ocean since last summer and I need some waves.

B is getting help with her eating disorder. Finally. *huge deep sigh of relief* She has been on a small dosage of Prozac for a month or two now and the change is remarkable. She laughs now. I had forgotten what happy B was like. However, the shrink that she saw at the hospital wants to triple her dosage and have her check in to the eating disorder clinic at St Paul's for three weeks to "have a vacation from her disorder". As though taking away her access to food is going to make her any less aware of what she puts in her mouth. I don't think it would be a good idea for her.

What I do like is that there is an outpatient program that this shrink wants her to go to once a week to meet with a counsellor who is trained specially in eating disorders and a nutritionist and people who work with you to try to find out your triggers. I told B today on the phone that I see that as really beneficial whereas I am extremely worried about her tripling her dosage of Prozac. I want to see her cured and that will only be done through counselling, not shoving drugs down her throat. And as I said (and she said, so she's done some introspection here as well) usually when people are on anti-depressants they become numb and have no ups or downs. Right now the level of Prozac has kept her from crashing down into depression but it still allows her to be happy. If she starts taking more then she could get to that numb state and that's where she was before any Prozac.

I'm just so relieved that she is open to receiving help about this, and that she is allowing me to give my input, albeit gingerly and with much thought to how I frame my words. I don't want her to push me away again.

2006-07-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

The green-eyed monster is a terrible thing.

It's my friend Lori's birthday celebrations this Friday coming up and I'm really excited to see her and her husband and the rest of that gang. I don't hang out with them that often because I'm so busy and so the times that we do party together are always a blast. I flirt shamelessly with her husband ... and her, to tell the truth. She was the first (and only so far) woman I ever kissed. I can be a person with them that I am not anywhere else.

Trouble is, they have met the boyfriend's ex, Lisa, and when I was browsing Lisa's blog and reading about her recent troubles (I like to stay on top of them so I can be prepared) I saw that Lori has invited Lisa to the party on Friday and a huge part of me doesn't want her to come. She came on the trip north when T and I went to meet his parents because she tried to commit suicide recently and he wanted her under his eye so that he wouldn't have to worry about her doing something while we were gone. T likes to invite her to do most things with us so that she doesn't feel left out (wtf!!!) and now she's probably coming to Lori and Joe's and that means that it will be different for me.

I think that part of the problem is that she is incredibly rude to T. She puts him down, calls him stupid if he makes a mistake, that kind of thing. She does it in a tone of voice that makes it seem like she's kidding but I do not think she is. She has incredibly low self esteem (probably because of her depression) and I think she uses that to bolster her own feeling of self worth but it's getting really old. He never says anything, probably because it's just easier to shut up than argue with her, but I'm getting to the point where I might blow up at her and tell her to either treat him with respect or shut the fuck up. Of course if I do that then where does the respect for T go, what with me having to stick up for him and all?

Grrrrr. I want this situation to just ... be gone. When T and I are alone or with other people, things are great. He stayed at my house this past weekend and we had a fantastic time. He is a completely different person when he is not hanging around her, and I have planted the seed that perhaps it is time that he changed his living situation. I could see this having a long term possibility if she were no longer a problem.

Oh, and on a positive note, we played yesterday. He was pawing through my toys on Saturday and came across my smart balls, and happened to make the comment that they are supposed to be a lot of fun during a spanking. Yesterday he told me to put them in and then he used my wooden hairbrush and leather slapper and his hand and mmmmmmm it was lovely. And he was right - the smart balls were a lot of fun. Bonkity bonkity bonkity. *grin*

Love, or lack thereof

2006-07-13T01:14:00.000-07:00

I'm still with the guy I mentioned a few entries ago - the one that blew my socks off. And things are going great; we hang out every weekend, we cook together, go for walks together, are reading the same books. He took me out of town to meet his parents and it went so well that they invited me back for Christmas.

I like him. A lot. And perhaps I'm being premature in thinking that love can develop this quickly, or I am still thinking that relationships happen like they do in your teens or even early twenties, which is the last time I was in one. Maybe love takes longer as you get older.

I'm worried, though, that it's not that. I think it is that I have been alone for so long that I no longer feel a need to let someone in that close. I have a space around me that no one enters and I am content that way. I see the good things in him but I also see the things that I know mean a long term relationship would not work between us.

His ex-girlfriend is his roommate. They still play occasionally, although I have told him that it really bothers me and makes me feel jealous and unhappy when they do. That said, I didn't tell him not to do it - I left it open to his discretion. I also plan to have the same conversation with her because we have become friends... but there is a distance there because of the history that she shares with him.

He doesn't communicate about how he is feeling. Now don't get me wrong - I have no interest in a guy who feels the need to share his feelings with me every second of every day. But when there is something on your mind, you need to be able to express it. And if I take the plunge and make myself vulnerable and bring something up, I need to be met halfway, not met with silence.

We don't play very often. I think he has good intentions of wanting to play more, but then it gets late and all I want to do is go to bed. With my schedule, staying up much past midnight is not going to happen (right now excluded). He brings toys over to my house ... and then doesn't bring them out. He tells me that he is going to cane me later ... and then we go to bed. I'm not used to being a bottom; I'm a sub by nature and that means taking what I'm given and being grateful for it. He tells me that I can ask for anything at any time because we don't have a power exchange like that but I can't do it. The one time that I did, he caned me later that night and while it certainly felt good, I felt like he was only doing it because I wanted it, not because he wanted it. My kink is too wrapped up in my Top's pleasure for me to be happy with a service Top. And then to make my uncertainty worse, he got me off but didn't initiate anything for himself. I don't even know if he got excited by the caning.

And then, of course, the fact that we don't play very often leads me into thinking that perhaps it's because he's getting his fix elsewhere. Like with the ex. We agreed from the beginning that we could play with other people and while it's not a natural thing for me, I have got used to the idea that if he goes to a play party he is most likely going to play with other people if I am not there. But I wonder if that is why he doesn't want to play with me - god, I can see the scars left by J.

The older I get, the more I see the cause from the effect. No longer do I think that I react a certain way simply because I am made that way. My reactions to other people are all based on the way that I have learned to respond and it's scary when I can track a particular response to a particular person and event. So many men that left so many marks: G, M, A, R, and J. All in their way they have affected the person I have become. Of them all, the only one I still speak to is R and that is extremely rare. He's probably due for a phone call although he'll try to entice me into bed with him. But then, why wouldn't he when that was how our friendship started?

As much as I sometimes try to pretend to myself, I know that R really did have my best interests at heart. His influence, more than anyone else's, I can feel the most. With his help I have managed to tidy up the mess that was left when A and I parted ways. With his words echoing in my mind I was able to deal with left over trauma that M and G had caused. I heard his voice when I was dealing with J and he was part of my strength when that all went to shit.

Strangely though, he's silent now. Maybe I haven't given it enough contemplation yet. I know that the basics wouldn't have changed - look after myself first and others second. Guard yourself. Don't let anyone close until you know that you can trust them ... but always question whether you can trust them or not. More often than not, people let you down. Be prepared. Be yourself but don't be stupid. (God, I can be so stupid.)

Maybe tomorrow I'll drop by and say hello, run my current batch of problems by him and leave with a fresh batch of wisdom to ponder over in my free time. Maybe he, with his endless examples and metaphors, can make some sense of T's actions and give me a path to follow that won't end with my heart being broken.

After all, he saw me shattered once. He put me back together. I still remember that the sky is blue, R, and no one will ever tell me differently.

Yay for me!!

2006-07-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

I just spent what was left of my evening making a spreadsheet in Excel for my budget. Ya know, it's funny - when I had to take Computer Science 101 for a math credit to transfer to university, I bitched and complained about it. But it has come in handy at least five times since then, not least being tonight with my own spreadsheet with automatic calculations and everything. I'm pretty proud.

I'm also bloody exhausted because we sparred for an hour at Purple Dragon tonight. It's a drill called "10-hand" where you throw a technique and your partner blocks. Then they throw a technique and you block and you go around and around and around. 45 second rounds with the same person, then a 10 second rest while you switched partners and went again. Good cardio workout although it really drove home to me that I am terribly out of shape.

On the plus side, I spoke with one of our instructors who is a personal trainer and he is going to do a few sessions with me. I'm bartering him some of my coffee markout. What I would do without that pound of Starbucks a week I just don't know. I barter with my hairdresser, my esthetician, now my personal trainer. It's a good thing. *grin*

I stopped at the grocery store briefly on my way home to pick up a few goodies and all I wanted when I finally sat my ass on my couch was a bowl of cereal. Sounds simple, right? Obviously not for me today. The milk I had just bought was sour so I took it back. I thought about doing it tomorrow but realized that I really wouldn't want to do it tomorrow. I have to get up at 4 to go to work and then I have just enough time to come home, have something to eat and relax a little before I have to head off to school and my dreaded hated Phil of Mind class. Ugh. That's enough stress in one day without having to trek back to the grocery store to get my four bucks back.

I'm baaaacckkk!

2006-07-05T23:30:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, I know, but there's been lots of things happening and almost not enough time to do them, let alone write about them.

However.

I'm feeling that the time is coming to be a little introspective as I've been just trying to survive in the centre of the whirlwind the past few months. Some things have happened that need to be mulled over and where else to do it but here?

Stay tuned.

BIO party

2006-03-31T22:10:00.000-08:00

I am going to a BIO play party tomorrow night. It is a full on dungeon play party - not like the Cirque de Sade parties which are more about Stand & Model rather than play.

The new man is going to tie me up and hit me with floggers. In public!! I've never done that before but I have a feeling that there is an exhibitionist hiding in me somewhere.

There's a new munch in town too, for the young kids instead of the older generation. Not that the oldies aren't great, but it was decided that perhaps our generation should have it's own munch so that we can get to know each other without feeling like we're being ogled by old men. Or women, I suppose. One must be gender-neutral. *rolls eyes*

Friendship

2006-03-26T21:56:00.000-08:00

B is my best friend. The story of how we came to know each other is one that still fascinates me - if even one little thing had been different, I'm not sure that we would have ever talked. I mean really talked, like about the important stuff. (The accidental all-nighter.)

She has a beautiful spirit, when she can be persuaded to show it to anyone. I marvel over the fact that we have been able to tell each other everything. She knows about all the kinky activities I do, and has been my safe-call checkin multiple times. She supports me when I'm doing the right thing but isn't afraid to call me on stuff if she thinks it's wrong or detrimental to me.

We decided, what with Canada allowing for gay marriage, that we would be each other's backup because who else should one marry but one's best friend?

But I know that she's scarred and I know that she has issues and I don't know what to do about it sometimes. I've told her what I think her course of action should be to try to resolve some of them but she has not taken my advice yet.

And every so often, she pushes me away. I don't know why - maybe she feels neglected by me because I'm so busy with school and she figures that it's easier to be the one leaving than the one being left. I don't know if she knows how much I love her, even though I've told her. We don't talk about stuff like that very often, and we don't hug. It's not one of those types of girly relationships.

She's pushing me away right now. She's barely answering my phone calls and I can't ever pin her down to meet. She was mildly interested to hear about my date last night but nowhere near as thrilled as I would have expected.

It makes me sad. It made me cry tonight. I went from feeling on top of the world because of last night to feeling like I might be losing my best friend, and that maybe the best thing would be to just let her go.

My life changed today

2006-03-25T23:21:00.000-08:00

I met a man today who has blown my socks off.

We just spent the last eight and a half hours in each other's company and I didn't want him to go home.

He said that he'll call me tomorrow.

A girlfriend and I have decided that instead of asking each other if a date was awesome, and having the other person have to get more depressed when they say it sucked, we now ask if it sucked because then, when dates like today happen, the answer is: "No, it didn't suck! It was the best fucking date ever and I am so excited about it!"

I can't wait for her to ask me tomorrow.

Today goes down in the books as a pivotal day in my life.

I am the strongest woman evah

2006-03-23T00:12:00.000-08:00

I learned how to do a hip throw in martial arts tonight, and I threw one of our black belts, a black guy who is probably around 190 lbs of muscle. I kick ass. Don't fuck with me.

*giggle*

I was thinking on my way home that I want a Dom who is dominant like my Sensei is dominant. It's very understated - he doesn't have to go around the dojo reminding everyone that he is the sensei. When he speaks he gets instant quiet. When he orders something, instant obedience. Everyone works hard to get a few words of approval from him.

It's been a difficult journey for me, my martial arts training. I've been doing it for two and a half years, and I am a second degree brown belt, but it has not been a smooth road. I have difficulty bringing my submissiveness and my warriorness together in harmony, and it seems like when one of them is at the forefront, the other must be completely put on hold.

I used to love martial arts. Then I was spanked for the first time and I really started exploring my submissive side. I stopped going regularly, I stopped wanting to try as hard when I was there, and I started to resent certain aspects of training. Now that I am taking a break from submissiveness, I am back at the dojo and willing to try and train harder.

And through it all, my love affair with it and my distance, my Sensei has been waiting. He says that he sees greatness and natural ability in me and he wants to help to bring it out of me. He and I have not walked the easiest road together but we keep talking and trying to understand each other so that we can keep training together. Tonight he told me how happy he is that I am back on a regular basis. That simple statement gave me the same kind of warm glow that hearing "good girl" does - except not with the arousal. Don't get me wrong, my Sensei is gorgeous. But I know and like his wife so...

I don't know that I can put it into words, the characteristics that my Sensei has that I want a Dom to have. Maybe it's more of a feeling, or an evocation. Maybe I'll just know it when I come across it. I have known one other person who commanded my obedience in the same way although we were not romantic and he is certainly not into D/s. He is just naturally the way he is and it evoked something in me that didn't allow me to be any different when I was around him. Maybe that is what I need to try to find. Maybe it's not so much about having compatible kinks or limits but finding the person that I fit with.

This from the girl who a few days ago decided that love doesn't exist for her. But that is another entry on another day, because I gotta go to bed.

What song should you strip to?

2006-03-20T23:20:00.000-08:00

Your Stripper Song Is

Toxic by Britney Spears

"With the taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
You're toxic I'm slippin' under"

You may dance for someone - but only to weaken their defenses.

What Song Should You Strip To?

I own a Britney Spears cd. It's my dirty little secret.

What drink are you?

2006-03-20T23:15:00.000-08:00

You Are an Appletini

Most of the time, you're a typical party girl / guy.
But when you get super sauced, you really up your sex appeal.

What Mixed Drink Are You?

mmm martinis... *grin*

Cirque de Sade

2006-02-23T23:00:00.000-08:00

I shall be partying it up on Saturday night with my kink friends. I have a weekend off (for once) and the plan is to study hard for my midterm but ... a girl's gotta have fun. So I'm gonna dress up like a schoolgirl and go dance my little heart out at Cirque de Sade. Yay!!

2006-02-23T14:45:00.000-08:00

So we lost to Russia yesterday. No medal for men's hockey. I have to admit, the possibility of coming home empty-handed hadn't even occurred to me! But c'est la vie and hey, curling is kicking ass.

bitching

2006-02-21T11:16:00.000-08:00

The men's hockey team is pissing me off. We have not played a good period of hockey since the second game. Okay yes, in the game today we scored three goals in the first period, but in my opinion we were not dominating the way we should be. And the two periods after that were terrible.

Oh and the Swiss team, the ones who beat us, tied Italy today. WTF?? Where is the Canadian domination?

All I can say is that some of the leaders need to step up and show some work ethic out there, and get the youngsters fired up. Oh and learning how to pass to members of our team would be good too. And how to maintain puck possession in the attacking zone.

I can't watch the game tomorrow because of school which is bugging me but I can't see a way around it. Unfortunately, I have an important paper due on Friday and I'm in that class when the game starts. Bugger.

Did you know that mold is the number one household killer? And I think that I have mold growing in my bathroom. When my basement suite was created by the former owners of this house, they slapped the bathroom together and instead of using proper drywall, they used wooden slats, almost like outdoor siding. Unfortunately, it's cracking in many spots and I have a sneaky suspicion that underneath is going to be scary. And when I spoke to my friends upstairs about it (they own the house and I rent from them) it didn't seem to be a very high priority. In fact, she actually said that she is more concerned about the house rotting from the inside rather than my lungs, and that she won't be able to get to it for at least four weeks. I'm thinking of fixing it on my own and then she can pay me back for the materials. I mean really - is my health worth a few bucks?

Especially since I've quit smoking. Yay!!! Now I need to get my cardio up so that I don't embarrass myself during the Sun Run at the end of April.

2006-02-16T00:17:00.000-08:00

Where does time go???

Now that school has started, it's flying by at an amazing rate. I can't believe it's already half way through February.

And unfortunately, it's also past midnight and I have to get up for school at 630 tomorrow - and I got up at 330 this morning to watch the men beat Italy in the Olympics. My bro, another friend of ours, Pomegranate, and myself watched and cheered and made breakfast. And then I went back to bed and missed first class. Ahh the things I do for hockey.

Okay, so my point here is to say that I haven't forgotten about my blog and I have been sent some lovely pictures of my spanked bottom from my New Years trip to Sir that I may post, if I can figure out how.

And I will be receiving a present from myself in the next few weeks - a laptop!! So perhaps when I am bored at school and procrastinating, or ignoring a boring lecture, I'll be able to come on here and post more often. We'll see. No promises, mind!!

2006-01-10T14:37:00.000-08:00

Hey all - I went for five days to visit Sir and I have some stories to tell buuuuuut school just started and I don't have any time at the moment to fill you in.

Have patience. I'll share as soon as I can. *smile*

New Year's Eve, kinky style

2006-01-01T16:23:00.000-08:00

I partied in the New Year with my kinky friends. It was a night of firsts.

I kissed a married man. The marriage isn't monogomous and his wife was right there, but still - haven't done it before.

I kissed a girl. On the lips. It was midnight and everyone was kissing everyone else.

I kissed a transexual. See above.

I got hit with a plant stick. Husband from above was demonstrating it's cane-like abilities. Must buy one of these to take to Sir.

I hit a Top with his own belt. He wasn't expecting it. I was laughing uproariously but had to take a smack back with same belt to make things right. It was actually not my fault at all but the tranny from above.

I touched a girl's tit. Like, bare, no clothes. And not only just a girl, but the wife from above, who was straddling her husband's lap next to me and thrusting her breasts forward in time to the music. I told her I wanted to grab one so she shoved one into my hand. Then her hubby got interested and lifted up her shirt so I could cop a real feel.

I tell ya, I'm exhausted today what with all this excitement last night.

2005-12-26T12:34:00.000-08:00

Sir has booked my ticket - I am off to see him on January 4th!

2005-12-08T20:10:00.000-08:00

"The best technique for pain-management does not involve ignoring or fighting the pain, but rather, moving into it. Instead of trying not to think of the pain, or railing your body and mind to fight against it, you have to submit to it. Water is one of the strongest forces on our planet. Its supreme strength resides in the fact that it is completely malleable and therefore unstoppable. When you need an image or way to think of yourself during these attacks, think of yourself, your whole body as water, unresisting, flowing. If you were to choose a traditional image of strength, like a rock for example, this would not be nearly as effective. Anything solid and rigid like a rock presents an ideal surface of resistance for other forces to slam up against, drill through, chip and crack, or, like water, to patiently and enduringly wear a path through. Whenever you resist something, you give it something to fight against, you provide it with the motivation to gather its stength and intensify against you.

"This is where you need to have some practise and control over your breathing, so that you can imagnie such a scenario whilst maintaining deep, even breaths. As you allow the pain to pervade every facet of your senses and as you accept it, welcome it, and begin to observe it, you will also being to realize that 'pain' doesn't have to hurt. As you let the pain take over and saturate every pore of your body, you will begin to recognize 'pain' as just another sensory input - a signal sent from your body to your brain, no more, no less. You will be able to sit there with the 'pain' washing over you in waves, but yet it won't hurt."

I took this text from a book that I am reading that has absolutely nothing to do with BDSM and yet I felt that these passages were dead on track about how to deal with pain. I have tried to absorb pain before when playing and usually when I can do so, and saturate myself into it, is when I reach subspace.

punished again...

2005-12-01T20:50:00.000-08:00

Lying is bad.

Omitting details? Bad.

Hiding on msn? Bad bad bad.

I was only guilty of the last one ... although, had I gotten away with it, I would have been guilty of the first two. Perhaps it was better that I was caught on the attempt?

I was hiding from Sir because it was past my bedtime and I wanted to check my email to see if a particular email had reached me yet. It hadn't, which kinda makes it worse because now I am being punished. I forgot that he has two msn accounts and I only blocked one of them. I'm not very good at lying and sneaking around, but I think (I hope) that that works in my favour.

Sadistic bastard that he is, he made me wait for two days while he deliberated over my punishment. That's not really fair, though, because he wasn't sure what to do with me. I broke trust. Not a pleasant place all around.

Last night, the night before he left to go on another business trip, he let me know what he had decided.

- 10 minutes of corner time each night, with a time stamped picture as proof.
- 5 minutes of touching my pussy - no cumming - each night.
- One week today, I get to cum but only after I film myself with the webcam giving myself 50 spanks with my paddle, and I have to do an extra 10 minutes in the corner.

For all intents and purposes I am grounded until he comes home, on the 14th, because I am not allowed to break my curfew without emailing him first and asking permission, and there is no guarantee of any correspondence from him while he's gone. Although he has threatened to email me with tasks to add to my punishment. He's on the plane for 11 hours and as he put it, "It's bad for your Dom to have 11 hours to think." I suggested he take a book. *grin*

And although it seems really nice of him to allow me an orgasm while he's gone, it's actually not at all. *hmph* It's that he's figured out that to deny me completely shuts off my sex drive all together, but to allow me an orgasm every so often keeps me teetering on the edge of arousal all the time.

Oh, and of course, this is all just the prereq stuff - the real punishment will happen in January when we meet again. I've been told that it will be long and hard and with absolutely no warm up, to ensure that I learn that lying is not tolerated.

The thought of it makes me wet, even though I know that when it's happening I won't be enjoying myself. Well, I will, but I won't. One of the contradictions that make up a masochist. *grin*

I was dripping wet when we hung up the phone last night after he had told me my punishment. It was his words that were along these lines: "You have a curfew and a bedtime, just like a young lady should. Now you have a punishment coming for acting like a bad little girl. It seems that you really do need strict control over this stuff. Every time I give you a little bit of slack you misbehave and act out. I have no problem enforcing this, and you will learn to obey me." Even to remember that makes my clit throb. There is something about being treated like a little girl like this that makes me so hot.

I have a confession. When I was wondering what he would decide on for my punishment, I was running over different scenarios in my head, and one of the ones that I kept coming back to was being given an earlier bedtime for a set number of days, just like a little girl. Having him phone me and put me to bed at 8:30 or 9 o'clock and have him scold me for being naughty and being a grown woman who is being treated like a little girl because she won't follow the rules - oh so wet to think things like that.

Then there is the matter of my "report card." I have been told that to bring home less than a B average is not acceptable. If one doesn't include the three classes I'm in now, I have taken seven classes since I went back to college and I have not earned less than an A-. The problem is that my marks for this semester don't really matter, because I've already registered for SFU. So long as I get these credits, the marks don't matter. It's reflected in my study habits this semester because I haven't done that much. I'm swimming along with an A in philosophy (I think) and probably a B in my other two classes. So long as my essays were okay ... please let my essays be okay ...

Fingers crossed that I get B's. Then last night he tells me that if I get an A average, I will earn two free orgasms. Since these are in short supply these days *growl* I jumped on the offer, even though I know for sure that I haven't earned it for this semester. I tried to bargain that every A should earn me one orgasm but was cut off with, "No. I've decided." Hopefully the offer stands next semester, although it will be my first semester at the big university and I'm not sure how much harder it will be to get good grades.

I'm not making excuses - I'm stating facts.

So I'm off to do my corner time and then put myself to bed to do my touching. My orgasm next week feels like it is a million years away, considering that it's already been a week and a half since my last one. *sigh*

New toys

2005-11-14T16:38:00.000-08:00

I bought myself two new toys yesterday. *big smile*

I haven't had a chance to try out them out yet but let me tell you about them anyway. The first is a clitoral vibrator that is on a harness, therefore being hands free. Being a vibrator, I know that Sir is not going to let me play with this hardly at all, and probably not until I get to see him again, since he's all about weaning me away from vibrators. However, I have high hopes that it could be incorporated quite well into play, or even sex. The controller is not a hand held - it's attached by a cord - but I don't think it would be too much in the way.

The other toy is something that I'm hoping I do get to play with alone. It is a set of Smart Balls. They are like Ben Wa balls but larger, and dipped in what feels like silicone but is a different kind of material. Inside them is another ball that bounces around and apparently feels pretty damn cool. They are also good for improving the Kegel muscle because you have to clench a bit to keep them in.

I hope that I get to talk to Sir tonight so that I can do a trial run soon. It's soooo frustrating having new toys and not being allowed to do anything with them. And maybe tonight I'll get to cum. We had a bet on a hockey game that I lost which meant I had to go another week (I had already gone one) without cumming and I get 10 strokes of the cane followed by 50 with the hairbrush the next time I see him ... but that's somewhere in the future and cumming may happen tonight so I think I'll focus on that.

Self Spanking

2005-11-10T09:49:00.000-08:00

Someone suggested in a comment awhile ago that I should be directed to do self-spanking. I think that Sir must have seen that comment ...

Two nights ago, using the web cam, he had me draped over my computer chair and spanking myself with my wooden paddle. I thought it would be ridiculous because I can control how hard I hit, but when he would snap "Harder!" I would obey. It stung.

I liked it though, when I went to bed directly afterwards and had that stingy warm feeling on my bottom.

Sheriff Jim

2005-11-07T22:11:00.000-08:00

There are only two people in the world who know. Either or both may have forgotten.

I just wanted to say that I have days where I miss you both.

I wouldn't go back.

But I treasure what was.

~ jimette

2005-11-05T16:42:00.000-08:00

I feel badly that it's been almost a month since I posted in here but school and work seem to get in the way ...

However, I do have a story to share with y'all.

I went to meet Sir. Everything so far had only been through the computer and webcam, or over the phone, and we felt it was time to meet in person. Both of us minding the power exchange, we felt that it would be better for me to go to him.

Some people in my life thought I was crazy to go off on a plane to meet someone that so far I had only known through the computer but thankfully I also had some friends who trust me enough to let me trust myself. I knew that it would be okay. He wouldn't be crazy. And he did promise to not cut me up into little pieces and keep me in his basement.

So I bought a ticket for the weekend and I flew out to meet him. It was great. We had some wonderful conversations about all things, from philosophy to religion to politics - and we didn't argue! Do you know how rare it is to find someone you can debate with, without it degenerating into an argument? And to find someone who is willing to talk philosophy? No one, with the exception of my Dad when he's not too tired, will ever discuss philosophy with me. They don't have the same interest as I do in metaphysical ideas, I guess. *shrug* Their loss.

And, of course, he spanked me. We agreed that he wouldn't punish me the first night, so we watched a movie ("Alexander" - so boring - do not ever bother to watch it!) and then he spanked me. It was good but I had forgotten how much they hurt. It had been so long since I had played that my pain tolerance was incredibly low. That was a little frustrating, for the both of us, but we managed. *grin*

The following day was my birthday and he took me into the mountains. Now, I live on a mountain, so it's not like they are anything new to me, but I love mountains. I could live without the water, I think, but I could never live without mountains. We spent a lovely day together - we found the coolest store that sold fossils! Like, 200 million year old fossils! I was paranoid at bumping anything over and having to pay for some priceless artifact that would be in shards on the ground but I managed to avoid doing this. There were some really awesome things that I wanted - ah, if only I had money! Well. at least now I know where they are, for the day when I can afford things like that.

I did get my punishment that night, long overdue for using my vibe when I was not supposed to. The spanking was longer and more intense, and the bastard - I mean Sir - used clothespins on my nipples, and labia, and clit. I was incredibly nervous about the one on my clit. I've been clamped on the nipples and various other places and while it hurts, I know that I can deal with it. But I had heard that some women that have a high pain tolerance everywhere else sometimes have no tolerance with clamps on their clit and I was worried that I would be one of them. As it turns out, I wasn't. It still hurt, especially coming off finally, but nothing that I couldn't stand.

I got caned a whole bunch which to be honest, felt wonderful even though it hurt like a bitch. I love the cane. There is something about a well spaced out caning that takes me off somewhere that nothing else does. It's like a different kind of subspace. The regularity of the stroke, the second before the white hot pain streaks to my mind, the struggle to breath, to absorb, to submit to the feeling, to submit to my Dom ... the timelessness between the strokes that never lasts long enough and yet in memory is too short... mmm. Like I said, I love it.

It made me cry though. Not tears - tears are a rarity while play is actually happening, although I had cried a wee bit the night before. But a particular type of crying; like sobbing but without the tears. My breathing sounds as though I should have tears streaming down my face and maybe I would have if my brain could divert any of it's functioning to produce them. It's usually too wrapped up in dealing with the pain and sending endorphins rushing through me that it doesn't have the time, or the inclination, to summon real tears.

And according to Sir, he also spanked me with every implement he had promised me - my wooden paddle (that makes every Dom drool who has ever seen it *lol*), his wooden paddle, his leather strap, his rubber paddle, his plexi paddle, his huge wooden bath brush ... there may have been more; I couldn't tell you. At that point they all felt the same. Whether that's a good thing or not, I don't know. *laughing*

Oh, and of course, he had also promised me a pussy strapping, which he was most diligent about. I was bent over with my hands on the back of the couch, legs spread. It was incredibly difficult to stay in position but other than lifting up on my toes after each stroke, I don't think I moved too much. I was trying oh so hard to be good.

All in all, a very successful spanking from both sides ... until the next day when we realized that I had nary a bruise nor a mark on my bottom. It was a little pink but that was it. I was amazed - I had gotten up that morning feeling bruised and had rushed to the mirror to admire my marks. I love marks and he loves giving them and yet ... there were none. Now, whether that was because he didn't really go that hard on me because my pain tolerance was so low and it just felt really hard to me, or whether there is something in my diet at the moment that allows for my system to heal extremely quickly, I'm not sure. We were both disappointed and I know that the next time we meet he will be trying his best to get me marked up. All I have to say to that is - yay!!

Post Secret

2005-11-05T16:38:00.000-08:00

This is one of the best blogs I have ever seen, and it has nothing and everything to do with the person who started it. It's call "Post Secret" and people mail in their secrets on a postcard and this person posts a selection of them; new ones get posted on Sundays. The power of these secrets is ... amazing. I encourage all of you to check it out.

www.postsecret.blogspot.com

2005-10-08T16:20:00.000-07:00

I took a quiz and guess what it told me...

You are Submissive

Take the quiz here.

2005-10-03T17:26:00.000-07:00

I was feeling pissed at my house mate earlier today. She came downstairs into my suite to fix something in the furnace and we were kinda sniping at each other, for no particular reason. We always get along really well.

Anyway, so ever since then I've been muttering to myself in my head about how irritated I was at her ... and then she just knocked on my door to give me some soup that she made from scratch for me, that will help with the horrible head cold I have.

How sweet is that.

Just goes to show that with true friendship, the stupid things don't matter.

My dentist part 2

2005-09-30T15:54:00.000-07:00

For those of you who read my post from a month ago or so, I was talking about my dentist and how I was having a fantasy about him ...

I went back today to have my old filling drilled out and a new one put in. I'm not squeemish about the dentist - I just suck it up and think about other things and I usually find it's not that bad.

We were talking about my other cavity that he wasn't filling today, and I asked him if maybe we should as my health benefits will be ending soon. He told me that so long as I floss every day, the cavity will not get bigger. I asked, giggling, "What if I don't floss?" and he responded with a very stern look and said, "Then you pay." Mmm shivers. Too bad he didn't mean the way I wanted it to mean...

So there I am, in the chair, horizontal with my head lower than my feet (y'know how they do the thing with the chair) which always makes me feel disadvantaged anyway, and my dentist is doing his thing in my mouth and I'm ignoring the drill and thinking about my lovely conversation with Sir last night ...

And then Dr Dentist starts telling me I'm a good girl, but in this offhand manner, like how you would say it to your dog. I'm not much for objectification kinks but man, it was hot! I'm lying down, my mouth is cranked wide open, there's all sorts of things going on in there (but I'm frozen so I can't feel it) and Dr Dentist is murmuring "good girl" to me as he continues with his work.

Hot. Hilarious. I was giggling away in my head but managed to keep a straight face (or as much of one as I could in the situation) because I figured he doesn't need to know that I have these kinky fantasies about him, considering he remembers me from when I started going there at 3 years old.

Complaining

2005-09-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, we're talking about the corner. The place where us naughty little girls have to go to think about our misdeeds and how bad we've been.

I find it incredibly boring to look at the wall, although at least my walls are purple in the room I do my corner time, which breaks up the monotony of white-ness. I find my mind wanders off to lala land and I start thinking about everything and nothing, like what I need to buy at the grocery store or how pissed I am at someone at work. It's difficult to keep my thoughts centred on what a naughty bad little girl I am.

Plus, it hurts my back. I get told a lot to get my nose right in the corner (hate to break it to ya but my cheekbones get in the way of that) and to stick my bottom out, and that makes my lower back start to ache.

And yet, whenever I start to catalogue my complaints about how much corner time sucks, I realize that it's going to be that much worse when my bottom is throbbing and hot, I'm crying and not able to breathe properly, and I'm waiting to be called out so that I can be punished some more. That's when corner time becomes a reprieve, a sanctuary that one wants to hold on to for as long as possible.

I'm just grouchy today because I still have two more days of punishment left until Sunday, when I can stop teasing myself and stop doing 10 minutes of corner time every night. That is, unless he extends the time. But I'm being good so I don't think I have given him any cause to do so. I'm just hitting that point of no longer having any fun obeying and yet realizing that it's not about fun and games; sometimes it's about sucking it up and obeying regardless. Especially a punishment - I don't even want to imagine how he'd punish me if I deliberately disobeyed a punishment instruction.