I am the strongest woman evah

I learned how to do a hip throw in martial arts tonight, and I threw one of our black belts, a black guy who is probably around 190 lbs of muscle. I kick ass. Don't fuck with me.

*giggle*

I was thinking on my way home that I want a Dom who is dominant like my Sensei is dominant. It's very understated - he doesn't have to go around the dojo reminding everyone that he is the sensei. When he speaks he gets instant quiet. When he orders something, instant obedience. Everyone works hard to get a few words of approval from him.

It's been a difficult journey for me, my martial arts training. I've been doing it for two and a half years, and I am a second degree brown belt, but it has not been a smooth road. I have difficulty bringing my submissiveness and my warriorness together in harmony, and it seems like when one of them is at the forefront, the other must be completely put on hold.

I used to love martial arts. Then I was spanked for the first time and I really started exploring my submissive side. I stopped going regularly, I stopped wanting to try as hard when I was there, and I started to resent certain aspects of training. Now that I am taking a break from submissiveness, I am back at the dojo and willing to try and train harder.

And through it all, my love affair with it and my distance, my Sensei has been waiting. He says that he sees greatness and natural ability in me and he wants to help to bring it out of me. He and I have not walked the easiest road together but we keep talking and trying to understand each other so that we can keep training together. Tonight he told me how happy he is that I am back on a regular basis. That simple statement gave me the same kind of warm glow that hearing "good girl" does - except not with the arousal. Don't get me wrong, my Sensei is gorgeous. But I know and like his wife so...

I don't know that I can put it into words, the characteristics that my Sensei has that I want a Dom to have. Maybe it's more of a feeling, or an evocation. Maybe I'll just know it when I come across it. I have known one other person who commanded my obedience in the same way although we were not romantic and he is certainly not into D/s. He is just naturally the way he is and it evoked something in me that didn't allow me to be any different when I was around him. Maybe that is what I need to try to find. Maybe it's not so much about having compatible kinks or limits but finding the person that I fit with.

This from the girl who a few days ago decided that love doesn't exist for her. But that is another entry on another day, because I gotta go to bed.