Friendship

B is my best friend. The story of how we came to know each other is one that still fascinates me - if even one little thing had been different, I'm not sure that we would have ever talked. I mean really talked, like about the important stuff. (The accidental all-nighter.)

She has a beautiful spirit, when she can be persuaded to show it to anyone. I marvel over the fact that we have been able to tell each other everything. She knows about all the kinky activities I do, and has been my safe-call checkin multiple times. She supports me when I'm doing the right thing but isn't afraid to call me on stuff if she thinks it's wrong or detrimental to me.

We decided, what with Canada allowing for gay marriage, that we would be each other's backup because who else should one marry but one's best friend?

But I know that she's scarred and I know that she has issues and I don't know what to do about it sometimes. I've told her what I think her course of action should be to try to resolve some of them but she has not taken my advice yet.

And every so often, she pushes me away. I don't know why - maybe she feels neglected by me because I'm so busy with school and she figures that it's easier to be the one leaving than the one being left. I don't know if she knows how much I love her, even though I've told her. We don't talk about stuff like that very often, and we don't hug. It's not one of those types of girly relationships.

She's pushing me away right now. She's barely answering my phone calls and I can't ever pin her down to meet. She was mildly interested to hear about my date last night but nowhere near as thrilled as I would have expected.

It makes me sad. It made me cry tonight. I went from feeling on top of the world because of last night to feeling like I might be losing my best friend, and that maybe the best thing would be to just let her go.