Love, or lack thereof

I'm still with the guy I mentioned a few entries ago - the one that blew my socks off. And things are going great; we hang out every weekend, we cook together, go for walks together, are reading the same books. He took me out of town to meet his parents and it went so well that they invited me back for Christmas.

I like him. A lot. And perhaps I'm being premature in thinking that love can develop this quickly, or I am still thinking that relationships happen like they do in your teens or even early twenties, which is the last time I was in one. Maybe love takes longer as you get older.

I'm worried, though, that it's not that. I think it is that I have been alone for so long that I no longer feel a need to let someone in that close. I have a space around me that no one enters and I am content that way. I see the good things in him but I also see the things that I know mean a long term relationship would not work between us.

His ex-girlfriend is his roommate. They still play occasionally, although I have told him that it really bothers me and makes me feel jealous and unhappy when they do. That said, I didn't tell him not to do it - I left it open to his discretion. I also plan to have the same conversation with her because we have become friends... but there is a distance there because of the history that she shares with him.

He doesn't communicate about how he is feeling. Now don't get me wrong - I have no interest in a guy who feels the need to share his feelings with me every second of every day. But when there is something on your mind, you need to be able to express it. And if I take the plunge and make myself vulnerable and bring something up, I need to be met halfway, not met with silence.

We don't play very often. I think he has good intentions of wanting to play more, but then it gets late and all I want to do is go to bed. With my schedule, staying up much past midnight is not going to happen (right now excluded). He brings toys over to my house ... and then doesn't bring them out. He tells me that he is going to cane me later ... and then we go to bed. I'm not used to being a bottom; I'm a sub by nature and that means taking what I'm given and being grateful for it. He tells me that I can ask for anything at any time because we don't have a power exchange like that but I can't do it. The one time that I did, he caned me later that night and while it certainly felt good, I felt like he was only doing it because I wanted it, not because he wanted it. My kink is too wrapped up in my Top's pleasure for me to be happy with a service Top. And then to make my uncertainty worse, he got me off but didn't initiate anything for himself. I don't even know if he got excited by the caning.

And then, of course, the fact that we don't play very often leads me into thinking that perhaps it's because he's getting his fix elsewhere. Like with the ex. We agreed from the beginning that we could play with other people and while it's not a natural thing for me, I have got used to the idea that if he goes to a play party he is most likely going to play with other people if I am not there. But I wonder if that is why he doesn't want to play with me - god, I can see the scars left by J.

The older I get, the more I see the cause from the effect. No longer do I think that I react a certain way simply because I am made that way. My reactions to other people are all based on the way that I have learned to respond and it's scary when I can track a particular response to a particular person and event. So many men that left so many marks: G, M, A, R, and J. All in their way they have affected the person I have become. Of them all, the only one I still speak to is R and that is extremely rare. He's probably due for a phone call although he'll try to entice me into bed with him. But then, why wouldn't he when that was how our friendship started?

As much as I sometimes try to pretend to myself, I know that R really did have my best interests at heart. His influence, more than anyone else's, I can feel the most. With his help I have managed to tidy up the mess that was left when A and I parted ways. With his words echoing in my mind I was able to deal with left over trauma that M and G had caused. I heard his voice when I was dealing with J and he was part of my strength when that all went to shit.

Strangely though, he's silent now. Maybe I haven't given it enough contemplation yet. I know that the basics wouldn't have changed - look after myself first and others second. Guard yourself. Don't let anyone close until you know that you can trust them ... but always question whether you can trust them or not. More often than not, people let you down. Be prepared. Be yourself but don't be stupid. (God, I can be so stupid.)

Maybe tomorrow I'll drop by and say hello, run my current batch of problems by him and leave with a fresh batch of wisdom to ponder over in my free time. Maybe he, with his endless examples and metaphors, can make some sense of T's actions and give me a path to follow that won't end with my heart being broken.

After all, he saw me shattered once. He put me back together. I still remember that the sky is blue, R, and no one will ever tell me differently.