I slept for 11 hours last night, which has helped my emotional stability. I feel less fragile today, although still not great. I wish it wasn't New Year's tonight because I want to stay inside my bubble but unfortunately there is a fabulous party tonight that I don't want to miss.

The plan for the moment is to go to the party around 10:30, suck it up until just after midnight, and if I'm still not having a good time, come home.

The plan for today is to go for a long walk. I need to get some exercise and yesterday I downloaded almost 100 new songs to my i-pod so I have no excuse.

I also need to get my dreams out of my head. I have been dreaming about S non-stop for quite a number of nights. I told Guns that this reminds me of A - I dreamt about him for months! She wondered if that was a red flag against S but I said no. They wear the same cologne which threw me a little, and I have become emotionally involved extremely quickly with S, just like with A (although as I told her, I will deny that last statement if things end up badly). There are similarities in the situation but they don't have anything to do with S as a person compared to A as a person so I don't feel red flags.

However, I'm getting a little sick of it. In last night's dream, S was himself but also kinda Graeme - you know how that works in dreams - and S and L were teaming up on me to smack me around. I was loving it and getting really turned on but then I started to feel claustrophobic and had to not to be touched for a few moments. I remember that feeling very clearly - it was a "red" moment of "get the fuck off me and let me breathe!!"

Who knows what that means!

My New Year's resolution is simply this: to no longer lie to myself. I mentioned that in a post from a few days ago; I have a tendency to hang on longer than I should in relationships because I am afraid or I am desperate for it to work. I don't want to be that person any longer. I was single for 5 years between Mike and T. I know what it's like to be alone and for the most part, I really enjoyed it. It's not anything to be afraid of. Therefore, if things go badly between S and myself, it's not a catastrophe. It means that we weren't meant to be together and I will go back to the solitary life that in many ways I prefer.

And just for the record, he still hasn't called or emailed. He's now been gone a week. It's been 7 days since I saw him, 6 days since he said he'd call, and 5 since he emailed me. Just in case anyone wants to keep count along with me.