I'm trying to be a rational adult. Logical. Non-judgmental. Non-emotional.

I'm trying to be a grown up. Teenagers are the ones who are supposed to obsess over every little thing - "Does he like me? Why didn't he call?" Aren't we supposed to grow out of that eventually?

I'm thinking to myself, "What would I be doing if I had never met him? What would I be thinking about? Would I be sitting at home, feeling sorry for myself because some guy hadn't called me?" Hell no. Just to type it makes me feel pathetic. If it were turned around and my brother were moping around because a girl hadn't called him in four days and she was away, visiting her family for Christmas, I would call him pathetic to his face.

I would tell him to get his ass off the couch and go do things that he enjoyed, that make him happy, and that if she is truly interested, she'll call. And if she isn't, then it isn't worth wasting energy on anyway because as we've all found out sooner or later, a relationship cannot be forced. As Guns keeps telling me, a person's actions generally don't make a difference if the other person is interested. For example, if S is interested, me calling him two days in a row isn't going to make a difference. If he's interested, me buying him a CD that he really wants for Christmas isn't going to make a difference. He's interested - bottom line. It's only if a person is sitting on the fence that actions can make a person more, or less, interested.

I can't get the read on this, though. S did tell me that I won't be able to figure him out. I know that he's wrong. I figure everyone out, sooner or later. I catch all the little things and file them away under that person's file and it doesn't take me long before I know exactly how a person will react and, with that, how to manipulate them. I took a personality test a while ago and one of the things that it says about my personality is my ability to remember things that are important, to the point of being able to recall conversations nearly word for word, years later, if they were important enough to be etched that deeply into my memory. I know that if I can spend time with S that I will get a read on him too, and I am determined not to lie to myself about this relationship.

I mean really, I knew that T and I had to end, long before I got around to having that conversation with him that set the ending in motion. I knew that R was only going to be good for a fuck and a conversation. I knew that Alan was never going to be interested in me and I knew that he was dangling me for his own pleasure. I knew that Mike was an alcoholic and I knew that Andrew and I would never be compatible. I knew that Graeme would break my heart. But in all those relationships, I allowed myself to fool myself. I allowed the lies to stand because I was so afraid of failing. Again.

But isn't it time to grow up? If S is interested, then he's interested. If he's interested, then it doesn't matter that he hasn't called me yet or emailed me back yet, because it's just that stupid memory of his coming into play. He doesn't seem like he has intimacy problems and he definitely doesn't have commitment problems - although, now that he's (almost) divorced, maybe he has them now.

But I don't know. I haven't had the chance, except for that first night when we talked for hours, to get to know him. He's cooked for me twice. We've shared a bunch of laughs. We shared our martial art rumble on his bed, which showed me that he can beat me six ways from Sunday and I won't ever be able to put one over on him, physically. God, I love that.

It's so hard. The pool of eligible men has gotten smaller and smaller for me. First, it was that he would have to be able to beat me physically, martial arts nonwithstanding. Then, that he would have to be kinky. Now, add intelligent, driven, and naturally dominant to the list. Enter S. Has all these things - but no time, and no memory to at least make me feel like he's thinking about me.

*sigh*

This is where the emotional stupidity comes in. Like I said above, if I were giving advice to someone else in my situation, I would be telling them that it hasn't been enough time to freak out, and that it's not worth it anyway. Wait for him to come back to Vancouver and see what's up then. No point wasting time and energy fretting about something that is probably all in my head. After all, he did tell me that he is the type of person who simply will tell someone the truth straight up. And so far, I haven't gotten any vibe except good, interested, attracted vibe. So what's the problem?

Part of it is that I have no idea when he's coming home. It might be next week, it might be the week after ... if he gets a job in TO while he's there, he would probably take it and stay for the duration.

And part of the problem is that his (not even yet) ex is there. They have been separated for almost a year. I got the impression that January or February is when the divorce becomes finalized. He told me that he was celibate for seven months after they separated, so I know that it's not his wonky time frame coming into play. It has been a few months, but it was also an eleven year relationship and a five year marriage. I don't get the impression that he wants to go back, but it's difficult to tell. He told me that they were best friends, they did everything together, and he thought she was his soul mate. But then he said that they could have stayed together longer, continued to have problems, and still ended up splitting up but hating each other at the end. This way, they ended things when they were still friends.

I was asking a few questions because I wanted to know where he stood in relation to that relationship, and I dunno, he gave me the eye, the questioning eyebrow, and I said, "It's just that she was your wife. It's different, somehow." I've been honest - I've come right out and said that I'm interested. But it's not an ex girlfriend that I'm dealing with - it's an ex-wife. Now, maybe there's a silver lining here, because he's already tried to build a life with her and he knows that it won't work. There's no pull of the unknown. But I want to build a life with him, and it may be shitty timing to have met him because talk about rebound!

I need to chill the fuck out, is what I need to do. I need to relax and let it be, while still letting him know that I am very interested. But because I can't get that read on him, I feel like I can't get too relaxed or he'll think that I'm not that interested after all and move on. The thought of him with someone else, and having to see him in the scene - it makes me want to throw up.

I want a promise of monogamy. I want to say that we're dating. I want to have a little reassurance that this isn't just a sex thing. I do remember him saying, that very first night when we were at his house, that he doesn't usually bring girls home the first night he meets them. He said he likes to get to know them for a few weeks before getting intimate. I remember him saying, when we were still at the party, that there haven't been that many women for him. I wish I had picked up that line when he said it but I was sidetracked by something else in the conversation, and I don't want to pry and straight out ask him how many women he's slept with because that is tacky. And then I would probably have to tell him my number and frankly, I can't remember the exact number and I'm not sure that I want to count it up. And it's all ancient history anyway - I don't need to know the ins and outs of his sexual past. But it would help to give me a map as to what kind of guy he is - maybe he's not out there to fuck everything that came his way. He did go upstairs with D and P at the party but ... by his account, her account, and her account to Y, he wasn't exactly pulling her up the stairs but the other way around.

And so then we get to the next problem that I have - trust. I should trust that what he has told me is the truth, until proven differently. That doesn't mean that I should jump with both feet. It means that he has given me no reason to doubt him (except the Saturday before he left fiasco but we dealt with that and moved on) and therefore, I should take him at face value.

It's just tough with him there, me here, and who knows what going on around him. And I have no idea what's going on inside his head because he's not giving me any indication.

And now I'm going around in circles. Usually writing makes me think linear but apparently, not tonight. So. After spewing all my emotional ramblings onto the screen, I will try to act like a mature, rational, logical, non-judgmental adult and not freak out.

He will email me or call me eventually, even if it's just for a ride home from the airport. This is a lesson in patience. I always say that it's not one of my virtues - I will make it become one.