We played yesterday - T and L and I. L initiated it the night before by saying how between the two of them, they had all this BDSM equipment and none of it was being used. We decided to play the following day.

Saturday rolls around and L started up the conversation with me about stuff I like or don't like because her and I have never had that conversation. At one point she said "I know you don't like D/s stuff," and I responded with "Not in this particular context, no." I cannot give her power over me. I just absolutely cannot. I don't feel like straight bottoming and topping has to have a power exchange component and if we just keep it that way then it is okay.

So we went into T's bedroom and I was just in my underwear - on purpose. It was supposed to send a message but they both missed it. So much for the unspoken word. Anyway, L brought out her hood and T laced me into it, and then L clipped the blindfold into place and asked me to get on the bed on all fours. I do so, and then felt something trying to be pushed into my mouth. I said I wanted to see it first, so she showed me the gag. It was a leather penis gag and I was okay with that, so that got clipped on too.

T started out by using the flogger and it was lovely. Really, all of it was lovely although I got scared with the nipple clamps and although I didn't safeword, they didn't push me with them when they could tell I was unhappy with them. Today I'm wishing that I hadn't been such a wuss but yesterday I couldn't do it.

I got spanked and caned and nails down my back and the Wartenburg Wheel and all good stuff. Then T tied a crotch rope on me and added a vibe and they sat back to watch me get off. No fucking way that was happening. Not only was the knot not quite in the right spot but I was not comfortable at all with the idea that L was going to watch that. Since orgasms are almost completely mental with me, I shut it off and just lay there. They took the gag out and T kissed me a few times - trying to warm me up a bit or something. I kissed him back but otherwise was unresponsive. L pinched my nipples and did a little bit of that kind of stuff and I responded; they hit me a little bit more and I responded to that but I was having none of the clit stimulation. T turned off the vibe and started doing some manual stimulation (through the underwear - I would have been right pissed if he had gone underneath it since I was wearing it for a reason!) and I finally said "Are you guys going to be mad if I tell you I'm just not in the right place for that?" L said no, of course not, and T stopped and they started untying me.

I didn't realize it until just right now why I have been feeling so unsettled since then, but I think it is because that wasn't negotiated. I feel violated, in a sense. I didn't give permission for sexual contact to happen because I am unable to be sexual without a power exchange happening. I left my underwear on as an unspoken message that I did not want to be touched there. Since I am usually naked with T when we play and I walk around the apartment naked and don't care if L is there or not, I thought that they would understand that I wasn't comfortable with that. I guess it's partly my fault for not making that clear but I didn't think I had to.

The shitty thing is that I think that if all this other stuff wasn't swirling in the mix between T and L and I, I could have a sexual experience with her and it would probably be great. But I worry that if I were to allow myself to give her that power, I would become too vulnerable and I can't risk it. It scares me to imagine myself in any way, shape, or form under her power because I know that she is unstable. But I also know that we play well together and there aren't that many situations where I would even dream of allowing a female to touch me.

I'm very confused about what I want. I may actually be in sub drop a little bit, because I'm crying right now and it isn't that big of a deal to warrant tears. Now that I think about it, that's exactly what is happening. No wonder I can't concentrate on studying.

I'm wondering if maybe I tell them that I want to experiencing topping and let her bottom, and see if that balances out what I am feeling. Maybe if it is going both ways I won't feel like she is trying to take power from me. She may not be but when I explained the whole situation to my housemate, she agreed and said that that is what it sounded like to her. I want to try topping and with T there to do the main part, I could watch and do the bits that L did to me - the clamps, the nails, the little bit of spanking and the wheel and such.

That is what I am going to do. *sigh* Sometimes I just need to talk with my fingers to figure out what is going on in my head.