Really, I'm a bit of a bitch. Or a hypocrite or something.

I talked to Lisa on the phone yesterday. I was calling T but he was out tending to the "children" - apparently he's bought himself a tomato plant and some herb plants. I mentioned that I had read that she was coming to Lori's party and she, hesitantly, said, "Yeah. Is that okay?" I of course said that it was fine, as though I had no hesitations at all.

I guess I just wish that I had had a chance to talk to her before we all hang out again. I still want to address with her the way that she talks, sometimes. It's not what she's saying - it's the tone of voice and the way that it is delivered that bothers me. I stop feeling safe and I retreat into silence which does no good for my emotions as I just end up sitting and stewing in them.

Maybe tomorrow I can find some time to talk with her, as I'm going over there after martial arts class. I know that she will get defensive and probably angry, and will probably lash out at me so it's best to do it when we are not planning on heading out and being with other people. But I don't want to be drinking in public when she starts mouthing off at T again for some imagined slight or another because I don't think I will be able to keep my mouth shut and it will end up being a bad scene all around.

*sigh*

The main thing I have to keep in mind is that I do like her and would like to continue to maintain a friendship with her, but it has to be built on mutual respect or it's just not going to work.

On a different topic altogether, I have just started only working one day a week because my grades are slipping. I received a midterm back in one of my philosophy classes and I only achieved a 65%. That is the lowest grade that I have got, ever, in post secondary. I also got an essay back that was a B- which is almost the lowest grade ever. I haven't had any time what with work, martial arts, and spending my free time with T and B. Having a boyfriend takes up a lot of time, it seems! The end of this month is four months for us - I don't keep track and we don't have an anniversary but I just counted it up and I can't believe it's been a third of a year already! We've made some tentative plans to go camping the weekend after the Labour Day long weekend as all the kids will be back at school and hopefully the campgrounds will be less crowded. I'm pushing the idea of going to Tofino because I haven't been to the ocean since last summer and I need some waves.

B is getting help with her eating disorder. Finally. *huge deep sigh of relief* She has been on a small dosage of Prozac for a month or two now and the change is remarkable. She laughs now. I had forgotten what happy B was like. However, the shrink that she saw at the hospital wants to triple her dosage and have her check in to the eating disorder clinic at St Paul's for three weeks to "have a vacation from her disorder". As though taking away her access to food is going to make her any less aware of what she puts in her mouth. I don't think it would be a good idea for her.

What I do like is that there is an outpatient program that this shrink wants her to go to once a week to meet with a counsellor who is trained specially in eating disorders and a nutritionist and people who work with you to try to find out your triggers. I told B today on the phone that I see that as really beneficial whereas I am extremely worried about her tripling her dosage of Prozac. I want to see her cured and that will only be done through counselling, not shoving drugs down her throat. And as I said (and she said, so she's done some introspection here as well) usually when people are on anti-depressants they become numb and have no ups or downs. Right now the level of Prozac has kept her from crashing down into depression but it still allows her to be happy. If she starts taking more then she could get to that numb state and that's where she was before any Prozac.

I'm just so relieved that she is open to receiving help about this, and that she is allowing me to give my input, albeit gingerly and with much thought to how I frame my words. I don't want her to push me away again.