On L's blog she has a post about an annoying co-worker who apparently bumped into her on purpose, tried to force a confrontation, then fingered her as she was leaving the office. Whatever. But then L's words:
"Apparently her modus operandus is only to be bitchy to others as long as she's sure that the others in the office don't like that person either."
It sure seems to me that she has just admited that people in her office don't like her. Not that I would be surprised but still. The title of her post is "Annoying Bitch is also stupid." Amen to that. *grin*
It's like a huge weight just lifted off my shoulders, one that I didn't even realize I was carrying around. I hadn't realized that this relationship was taking up so much of my emotional energy until I didn't have to think about it anymore.
To give him props, he did come to me and say that we needed to talk, and he said that he'd thought a lot about what I had said that day in the park and that I had been right. It isn't fair to me to expect me to stay in the relationship when he can't give me what I need. He plans to be bringing home a lot of projects from work and will have less time to spend with me. Etc etc. The end of the day is that he wasn't willing to put me and my needs above L and her needs. But that's okay. I saw clearly what kind of person he is and even if he had decided to kick her to the curb, I had already seen that our relationship was not the most important thing to him. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't put me first. I have bloody good reasons for that which I won't get into here but suffice it to say that it's not as selfish as it sounds.
The good thing about it all is that I got to see how my communication skills work. I read the most amazing book, called Crucial Conversations, and it has changed the way I deal with conflict in my personal relationships. I was able to practise my skills over the past six months and I can honestly say that I can look back on all my interactions with T and L and not feel ashamed about how I acted (except maybe while we were away on the trip but those were extenuating circumstances so I'm cutting myself a break). And because I showed T my skills constantly by never yelling at him or acting out, he felt comfortable at the end to initiate the conversation and say the things that he needed to say. That gives me a sense of accomplishment. I know that the next relationship that I have will only benefit from the experiences that I had over the past six months.
I have more things to add to the informal "things that are non-negotiable" list. I have more things that can come off of that list because I have realized that they are not as important as I once thought they were. I am a better communicator. If I had to put this relationship into the positive or negative column, I would not think twice about putting it into the positive.
And now I am blessedly once again single and can spend the next few weeks being by myself and taking stock, doing a "spring" clean of the house, finish the bathroom painting and the other projects that I want to get done, and put my mind back to where it should be, which is school. Although I was single for five years before I met T, I am glad to be back to it. Relationships take an awful lot of work and unless the person is bloody special, it's too much work for not enough return.
