S emailed me when I was away on my trip. I had sent out the address to my travel blog to pretty much everyone in my address book but if I had had to guess one person who wouldn't read it, it would have been him. But he said that he had been following along with my adventures and wondered how I was.

I waited two weeks to email him back, until I was home in Vancouver. I sent him a short message saying that I was home now and that I was doing well and I asked about Toronto and how it was treating him. I didn't think I'd get a response very quickly but he emailed me back the next day. Said that work was good and he wasn't sure yet if he was going to stay there or come back to Vancouver but he'd know after this contract that he was working on.

I waited almost a week before replying, and when I did I said that I hoped that if he does come back to Vancouver I would love it if he let me know because it would be awesome to see him again.

He sent another one back, being funny and asking if he was reading between the lines properly and that I was offering to send him more pictures, like I did at Christmas when I sent him a few of my ass. His exact words in the email were: "did you say you are going to send me some photos of you , your ass,, those perfect twins and what ever else you can fit on your pc" because apparently he's lonely out there and has no time to go "hunting".

I emailed back right away, asking if I was reading between the lines correctly in that he is not getting back together with his wife, because I don't want to send pictures if I am just a diversion while he figures out what is going on there. I think that's fair. I have no problem with taking pictures of myself and sending them to him, but I do not want to have him drop that particular bombshell on me again.

I'm confused about how I feel on the whole thing. I really wish that things could have been different between us, but I was so tongue-tied around him that I don't think he got to know me all that well. Plus there was the selfish never calling thing, and the working all the time thing, and never being available to make plans thing. But then there was the calling me sunshine thing, and rocking my socks off in bed thing, and making my heart skip a beat and my stomach drop thing just by looking at me a certain way or seeing his name on my call display.

I had a date on Friday with a nice man who I ended up going home with and having sex with, but I had to call it off because the sex wasn't like sex with S. And if he is to be the comparison that I now make with all other takers, I may never have sex again. It took me 27 years to find someone who could actually make me orgasm, who likes to have sex the way I like to have sex, without any coaxing or instructions from me because we both just like it that way and so therefore it worked. I now know that there is at least one person out in the world that I am sexually compatible with but considering that I am now over 20 in my personal "have had sex with" list and only one of them has been compatible, and the number jumps over 20 if we include people I have kissed or made out with or given head to, or any number of things that don't include penis-in-vagina which is still my personal definition for me of what sex is, and still I didn't have chemistry with any of those people like I had chemistry with S.

My point is that I may be sending pictures off into the void and get no return on them except knowing that he's jacking off to them, which is a pretty big compliment but doesn't get me anywhere. There's the possibility that he may never come back to Vancouver and since I hardly ever go to Toronto (pretty much only when I'm forced to) there's the chance that I may never see him again. And yet, there's the chance that if I keep up dialogue with him, things may happen. He may get to know me better. He may want to get to know me better. He may come back to Vancouver for other reasons and be sure to call me because of the fact that we've kept in touch, even in such a casual way.

In very simple words - I may get hurt again. And I'm wondering if it's worth it, for a small chance at some kind of happiness (or sexual satisfaction) with this man, to risk getting my heart broken. Again.

But of course I do know that if he confirms that he and his wife are not getting back together (and why wouldn't he say it, even if it's not true - I can only trust to his honesty) that I will send him pictures. It's flattering as all hell that the one man who I want in the world wants pictures of me to jack off to. There's all those beautiful girls on the internet that one can look at for free and yet he wants to look at me. I don't want to try to read things in here that aren't actually there, but maybe it means that sex with me was as good for him as it was for me? And maybe what we had isn't common among other people - maybe he wants to look at pictures of me and remember being in bed with me, with my "perfect twins". I can dream, can't I?

I know that I may be stupid to follow this through, but once again, I don't care. Y just asked me about S the other day and all I had to say was that he had emailed me but that I had waited a while to email him back. She wondered how I felt about him now and I said, honestly at the time, that he was in Ontario and I was here, and that even if he were here I wasn't sure that I would do anything anyway. I had a date - I thought I was moving on! Anyway, she just asked about him so she won't be doing so any time soon, and I may just keep this to myself. Let it be my little secret, the same way that I kept my thoughts about him while I was away all to myself. I didn't blog about it, even though I wanted to. I didn't tell anyone that I had to constantly push him out of my thoughts, almost every day at the beginning, that the thought of him made me cry a few times in my first couple weeks away. No one knew that. It was better that way - I don't like to show weakness and feeling this much for one person makes me feel vulnerable and exposed. I don't want to show that to anyone, so I think that this will remain a secret for now.