The strangest thing has been happening. I have been starring in my masturbational fantasies for the past couple months. It started with me thinking about sexual escapades with S, then moved into imagining new escapades with S, and now that I refuse to allow myself to think about him for longer than 5 seconds (the length of time to start thinking about him, then realize what I'm doing and resolutely push him out of my brain), I've been imagining me with various other people, known and unknown.

This is different from the past x years where I have always fantasized about other people. It's like in a dream, where you are you, but you are someone else? You know that this isn't actually you but for the duration of the dream, it's you? Yeah, it's like that. I have never been *me* in my fantasies, until just lately.

It's interesting. A little uncomfortable too, because I tend to fantasize about stuff that I would never want to actually happen to me, like rape and other non-consensual activities. Or guy-on-guy stuff which is impossible for me to experience except vicariously. But these days, it's all about me.