S called me today. He left me a message asking me if the Canucks won last night.

I sat in my car listening to it with a stunned look on my face. After all my angst about him phoning me spontaneously and wanting him to become interested in hockey so that we could watch games together, he leaves me this message two days after telling me he's getting back together with his wife?

So I called him back. He answered with, "I heard they won." We had a conversation about hockey and then about his job that he's working right now. He's driving trucks for a tv show and I said that I had assumed he was doing electrical stuff. He replied, "Nope. I am a man of many talents," to which I responded, "Yes, I know." He chuckled.

It was fucked up. It was flirty and completely normal to what one of our conversations were like, before.

When I hung up, I must have had a hilarious expression of "What the fuck? What the fuck!!" Then I remembered that I had said to him, after he dropped the bombshell, that I hoped we could still be friends and he said "I don't see why not." I said, "You don't think it will be giving a false impression?" and he replied, "No, because I'm telling you how it is, right now."

I hadn't been thinking very clearly on the phone and I also didn't really think that he would want to be friends, considering he never really called me or initiated contact. But then here we have proof to the contrary...

When I talked to Guns about it, she asked how I felt and I realized that it doesn't seem to be bothering me. Maybe if I saw him I would have difficulty not jumping his bones - okay, honestly, I will have difficulty with that. Every single time I have spent time with him I have wanted to rip his clothes off his body and have that wonderful fantastic sex.

But clearly, what this phone call today tells me is that he is not rejecting me. If his wife were not in the picture I think he and I would still be doing ... whatever it was that we were doing. We weren't having a relationship but we were doing more than casually sleeping together. Whatever. It doesn't matter what it was; it didn't need a label. My point is that he feels he needs to explore this avenue of reconciliation with his wife and if that is the course of action that he feels will bring him the most happiness then he needs to follow it to its conclusion.

I personally don't think, from what he's told me about why they split in the first place, that they will succeed together. It may take a year or three but the same problems will raise their heads and the fights will start and suddenly they will be thinking, "What were we thinking? Why did we think this would work the second time around???" Unless by then they have a baby, in which case all bets are off in terms of whether they stay together or not...

I'm not planning on hanging around on the off-chance that they split and he wants to get back together with me. I'm planning on leaving the door open for him to call me if he gets to that place but I have a life of my own to live and I'm not waiting for anyone.

Besides. I realized today in the car that he is reconciling with her because he believes that his happiness lies with being with her. I want to be with a man who thinks that about being with me. I don't want to be filler or the girl until something better comes along.

So yeah. I'm not sad. I am disappointed. But I think that there may be a possibility of him and I being friends and it's not like I have so many of those that I would want to shun someone, simply because he wants to see if he can be happy with his wife. I don't feel rejected. I know it has nothing to do with me as a person. Just from the fact that he called me has given me enough closure that if I never saw him again, I would not feel like things that been left unsaid or unknown.

Good enough.