I managed to extricate myself from the date with the older gentleman with not too much trouble.

Went to Y and M's party and although I had a great time, I wasn't feeling it the way I normally do. For example, although I lost my shirt and bra (Dan just can't stand seeing me wearing clothes *lol*) I ended up putting them back on, even though I was only getting good comments. I just wasn't feeling sexy like that. I mean, I was flirting like a fiend with the world in general (the liquid chocolate is just such a good prop to make people want you) and with D and Lori in particular. D and I have even made a date to make a date to do a little otk. I haven't done otk since ... Jason. Wow. And I know that D can be pretty intense and I don't know if I'm ready to get intense with anyone, let alone a casual encounter.

Y played with our 24 year old Brit who is leaving in May and apparently it was fabulous and she highly recommends that I try him out before he leaves. But - they fucked and I'm not sure that I want to have sex with anyone. It's strange - it's like I'm waiting for S and yet I know that there is no future there.

I finally talked to him, a few days ago. I called him to try to find out when he would not be working (never - seriously, the guy never stops working) and he told me that he is going back to Toronto to work on a show or a movie or something. I don't know if that means that him and his ex are planning a reconciliation. I don't know if he'll ever come back to Vancouver, even though he said that he still wants to make this his home. I don't know if we'll even manage to hook up before he leaves. I did say that at the very least I would like it if he called me to say goodbye when he goes back to Ontario, because I would find it very sad if he just left without saying goodbye.

As long as that's there, though, I'm not interested in anything or anyone else. I just want him so fucking badly.

There's a large part of me that wishes we never met, because then I wouldn't know what I was missing.