There is this private hidden part of me that really wants the fairytale wedding and marriage and living happily ever after with the kids and the dogs and cats and growing old together and all that stuff. And I can't ever admit to it because I've spent the last six years promoting the fact that I am independent and don't need a guy and don't want a fairytale wedding and saying I don't want kids. (I really didn't want kids when I said that - it's just that I may have changed my mind. Maybe. Haven't fully decided on that one yet.) I've been looking at wedding photos of a wedding I went to recently and I'm jealous, and I've boxed myself into a corner by pretending that I neither need nor want a partner when in actual fact, I do want a partner. It's partly that I keep meeting guys who fall far below my standards, but it's also that I've created a shell around myself to keep anyone from getting too close in that department. Or I find myself a guy who's patently emotionally unavailable and fall for him because I know that it's not going to go anywhere.

*sigh*

I think I'm lonely.