It didn't end.

Maybe it should have, though.

He seems to think that even though we had the conversation, everything will just continue as it always has. Riiiight.

They moved into their new place yesterday. I got there as things were already being moved from the elevator to the truck so I didn't bother to go upstairs - I just jumped in there. I don't know what L was doing upstairs and how much she was helping but I will tell you that when everything was loaded into the truck and we all went to the new house and unloaded, she didn't come with us. When I mentioned that she wasn't there, T said that she was cleaning at the apartment. So basically she got her brother and friends to move her while she did other stuff. They had possession of their apartment until 1 o'clock today so it's not like whatever she was cleaning couldn't have been put off until this morning. But really, why am I surprised?

T didn't call me this whole week. We had our conversation on Monday and he called me on Friday afternoon to find out where I was and when I would be coming to help. Never mind that I had told him on Monday that I had a chiro appointment and wouldn't get there until after 5:30. Why would he listen?

And before anyone thinks that I am being unfair and that I probably forget things that he tell me, yes I admit it. But I do pay attention when we are making plans and he tells me that he can only meet at such-and-such time, or that he has an appointment that evening so we can't meet then. I don't think he really pays any attention to much that I say.

Including the conversation we had on Monday. I think that he thinks that everything will just blow over and will go back to the way it was before. Guess what - it isn't. I am no longer going to spend the majority of "our time" at his house. If he want to see me, he can come to my house. And if she calls him while he's here, it had better be at times that are socially acceptable. And if I do go and spend time at his house, she is not just automatically included in our plans. If he wants to invite her to come somewhere with us, he needs to ask me first if it's okay with me. If he doesn't talk to me first, I will walk out.

I just spoke to my housemate about the whole thing. She gave me some really good advice. She said that I shouldn't ignore her because that uses up too much energy (which is what B said too, dammit). I should be pleasant and treat her like a stranger, like "Hey L. That's a nice outfit." Some kind of generic compliment and then move on. That way, when things do end up blowing up, it will be because of her actions, not mine.

I'm also looking forward to when she tries to initiate play between us again. I know that she also assumes that my mood will pass in regards to her and that one day things will be peachy between us again, and at that point I know that she will ask if we want to play. My housemate said that I should say, "No thanks. You don't turn me on and I have no desire to play with you." Simple, (mostly) polite and irrefutable.

As for T, well. I think I'll give it the good old college try for the next month. If things are still just as stupid on October 31 as they are today, I will give it up as an experience where I learned a lot but ultimately not where I want to live my life.

Ready? Here we go.

There's a good chance that T and I are going to be over after today. I finally have hit the wall. Here's what happened.

Saturday night: he's at my house, exhausted. We go to bed early. His phone rings and wakes me up at about 2 in the morning and I immediately think that it's L and something has happened to her. Maybe she's thinking about suicide again, or actually has tried and this is someone else phoning to tell T. So I am the one who wakes T up, gets the phone, watches anxiously over his shoulder as he checks his call display and sees that it's her. I'm the one who makes him phone back when his first call goes straight to voicemail.

And it turns out that all she wanted to know was should she bring him home any McD's. Did I mention that it's 2 in the morning? And he's at my house? So my response, loud enough that she can hear it, is "Are you fucking kidding me? At 2 in the morning? That's nice, L, that's really fucking nice." T of course says nothing except that he'll see her tomorrow, and I hear her tell him, "Tell her to go fuck herself." I reply, "Go fuck yourself."

T hangs up the phone. I am so angry that I'm shaking with it. He tells me that I'm taking this as if she were being malicious and I respond that I am taking it that she is thoughtless. He says that he told her that he would probably be coming home so she didn't know that he would be here with me. I ask him sweetly if he is usually up at 2 in the morning and when he says no, I feel slightly vindicated in my anger.

It turns into a "conversation" (I use that term loosely because that usually refers to two people talking but this was more just me talking to him and him not responding) where I ask him if I matter to him. When he says yes, of course I do, I then ask if I matter more than her. He sounds shocked that I would ask such a thing, not because the answer is that I do matter more, but because I am forcing him to confront this situation that I do not matter more.

He says that this thing with L will cause tension. I almost start laughing as I inform him that there is already tension. He lives with his ex while he dates someone else and he thinks that there wouldn't be tension? I explain that while I would never tell him he couldn't live with her anymore, I hate the situation and what I do is keep the problems and the tension from him.

Clearly that has been my mistake.

Today I am meeting him after he gets off work and I will be telling him the following:

After Mike and I broke up after that terrible situation where he didn't come home and help me when I was hysterical and begging for him on the phone, I promised myself that I would never be with someone who did not put me first in their priorities. Mike ranked alcohol above me - he's an alcoholic and I have let go of most of my bitterness around that relationship but it did teach me a few things about myself.

I have clarified that over the past two days to realize that I put T's well-being, be it emotional, physical, or mental, at the top of my priority list. If I want to take an action that will affect his life, I think about whether it will be a positive or negative thing for him and then take action accordingly. I demand the same respect. It doesn't mean that he can't have other priorities. I have school and martial arts and work and my family and B and T. But if T is affected, he gets the highest consideration. I demand the same.

Right now I think that he doesn't think his actions through, beyond the immediate. I plan to use a work analogy and say that he wouldn't just sit and start at his drawings at work and expect for the work to get done. It takes forethought and planning and execution from him to achieve the proper end result and a relationship is just the same. It takes work to make it work.

I plan to tell him that I have made the following choice. My choice is that I will not be in a relationship with someone who is not willing to treat me with the same respect that I show for them. His choice then becomes very simple. If I am important to him and he wants to keep me in his life then he needs to make the commitment to treat me with respect. If he cannot or will not make that commitment then I would rather know now and walk after five months rather that try to build a future with someone that is doomed to failure.

I have the feeling that he will not be willing to make the commitment. In which case I am better off, but it's still going to hurt. We'll see.

As an end note, I was reading L's blog today to see if she wrote anything about that situation. She seems to have no concept of what is appropriate and what is not, so I wouldn't have been surprised if she had.

These two quotes come from her:

Oh ya, and T is on the rag right now. Beware all.

The only reason I got up this morning to answer my dad's call to my cell phone was to give him shit for calling me before noon. 11:30am is not noon, hello!

To the first quote, yes, this is the maturity level that I have to deal with.

To the second, hello pot? Yeah this is kettle. You're black.

I almost posted that to her blog but I reminded myself that if T does indeed choose to work at things with me, I will need to keep things between L and myself from deteriorating past repair.

Although I have been considering that I will no longer spend time with her. T may have her for his roommate; he may choose to do things like go for dinner with her like he did last week - that does not mean that I am stuck spending my time and energy on her. So. That will need to be a part of my negotiation with T tonight. That is what it feels like - a negotiation. What are we each willing to spend to get the result that we want?

On my wish list is a boyfriend who treats me with respect, who doesn't let his ex/roommate come between us, and maybe the possibility of a long term future together. But his wish list may very well be a simple life that requires no forethought and no personal responsibility, in which case we will be done.

So. T and I may be over after tonight. I feel nothing but resignation at the moment. I hope that my calm will carry me through the conversation. I hope that I don't cry.

I hope I can be strong enough to walk away if that is what is necessary. I have found levels to my strength in the past to do hard things but I am just so tired of being alone.