You know what pisses me off? The fact that I try to communicate with my boyfriend about play and end up feeling like an idiot because he doesn't seem to care. I emailed him three pictures last night - two of girls riding wooden ponies* and one of a very fun rope bondage scene and I mentioned that the pony has always made me feel hot and the rope picture looks fun because the girl is so open to many different activities - let your brain wander and start thinking of your girlfriend and those activities ... are you turned on?

Well apparently not because I didn't even receive an email saying "Thanks for the pictures. Interest duly noted." It's not like I said that I wanted him to use these ideas the next time we play although god knows when that will be because he never wants to fucking touch me in the slightest bit, unless he's sleeping. Yes, that's right, when he's sleeping, he will either grab my hair and push my face onto his cock or he will attempt to get me off but it usually doesn't work because I am so aggravated that the only time my boyfriend wants to touch me is when he is sleeping and probably dreaming that I am someone else. He also never initiates blow jobs when he isn't sleeping. I have initiated all the last ones for the past two months or so.

Maybe he has a low sex drive. Maybe he is really tired. Or maybe he just doesn't find me attractive in a sexual sense and hasn't figured out how to break up with me yet. Although he did tell me that he loves when he was drunk last weekend, so maybe he loves me but just not in that "I can't keep my hands off you because you make me so horny" kind of way.

It makes me feel so unattractive.

Even after our play on the weekend with L he didn't initiate anything. I know that he tried to get me off but I'm not counting that. He wasn't even the one to initiate that play - L was. I'm gunshy about asking for it because he either says yes but we don't or we do but I feel like he really didn't want to and then that makes it hard for me to enjoy anything. Anyway, after our play we were in the shower together and even though he had a hardon he didn't say anything until after I made a flippant comment that I could get out of the shower now or I could help him out with it. He chose (b) and he seemed to really enjoy himself - I've never been the world's greatest cocksucker but if you can make the guy cum in less than five minutes using only your mouth (look ma, no hands!) then I must be doing something right? But if that's the case then why doesn't he want it more often?

Our first date he did lots to me. He tied my hands behind my back and fed me wine from the wineglass. He kissed me using his tongue! (He hasn't done that since, except for Saturday when he was trying to get me in the mood for the crotch rope and vibe, etc.) He stuffed my wet panties into my mouth (he also remarked how much he liked the g-string so I have worn it many times since then trying to get a reaction but nope, nothing) and he used his fingers and his mouth on me. He made me get naked and he inspected me while he was still fully clothed. He turned me on sooo much that night and yet since then, there has never been a repeat. It's like he wants to get me off as soon as possible so that he can stop touching my obviously disgusting body.

I'm not sure when the last time was that he went down on me, unless it actually is the last time I can recall and that was when he was still chaining me to his bed at night. He did that the first three times I slept at his house, so if it is that time then we are talking early April. I used to get so wet when he would grab the chain but then he would lock it around my ankle, roll over and go to sleep, leaving me to deal with my horniness as best I could. I used to get wet when he would spoon me and wrap his hand around my wrist like he was holding me in bondage but since nothing ever happened afterwards, my body has stopped responding. In fact, my body has learned well that there is no point getting turned on around him because nothing ever happens. I finally took a bottle of lube over to his house the last time I stayed there because I can't masturbate without lube, and I lay there next to him after he fell immediately asleep and I got myself off.

It's not even that I mind getting myself off. God knows that I don't orgasm easily with another person and half the time I fake it because it's easier for me than dealing with what I think that they are thinking about me (which goes along the lines of: why are you not cumming already? For fuck's sake, I have better things to do than spend more than five minutes on getting you to cum. Did you say you wondered why I never touch you??) I have a problem with being in a relationship that is only four months old and thinking that the spark is gone (I assume) and that if our relationship continues then I have nothing to look forward to in the way of sex.

And in the words of my good friend Lori, life is too short for bad sex.

I don't know what this means. I don't know if I am going to say anything to him about it. I don't know what I would say even if I tried. I thought being enthusiastic every time we had sex would make him want to do it more. I thought being enthusiastic about play and even bringing my toys over to his house because that is where we are most often would make him more interested in hitting me. I thought that sending him pictures of things that interested me with short little captions as to why I sent those particular pictures would make him think about me and sex and play but he has been home from work for at least an hour and a half tonight and he hasn't called or emailed or made any attempt to talk to me.

Just when I think I have everything figured out and balanced in my life, something has to fall. I just wish it was something that was easier to fix because I don't think I have the tools to fix this. And as easy as it is to give others the advice to walk away from relationships where you are not getting your needs met, it's a whole lot harder to try to walk in those shoes.

*If you don't know what the wooden pony is, google it. It has nothing to do with an actual pony.

We played yesterday - T and L and I. L initiated it the night before by saying how between the two of them, they had all this BDSM equipment and none of it was being used. We decided to play the following day.

Saturday rolls around and L started up the conversation with me about stuff I like or don't like because her and I have never had that conversation. At one point she said "I know you don't like D/s stuff," and I responded with "Not in this particular context, no." I cannot give her power over me. I just absolutely cannot. I don't feel like straight bottoming and topping has to have a power exchange component and if we just keep it that way then it is okay.

So we went into T's bedroom and I was just in my underwear - on purpose. It was supposed to send a message but they both missed it. So much for the unspoken word. Anyway, L brought out her hood and T laced me into it, and then L clipped the blindfold into place and asked me to get on the bed on all fours. I do so, and then felt something trying to be pushed into my mouth. I said I wanted to see it first, so she showed me the gag. It was a leather penis gag and I was okay with that, so that got clipped on too.

T started out by using the flogger and it was lovely. Really, all of it was lovely although I got scared with the nipple clamps and although I didn't safeword, they didn't push me with them when they could tell I was unhappy with them. Today I'm wishing that I hadn't been such a wuss but yesterday I couldn't do it.

I got spanked and caned and nails down my back and the Wartenburg Wheel and all good stuff. Then T tied a crotch rope on me and added a vibe and they sat back to watch me get off. No fucking way that was happening. Not only was the knot not quite in the right spot but I was not comfortable at all with the idea that L was going to watch that. Since orgasms are almost completely mental with me, I shut it off and just lay there. They took the gag out and T kissed me a few times - trying to warm me up a bit or something. I kissed him back but otherwise was unresponsive. L pinched my nipples and did a little bit of that kind of stuff and I responded; they hit me a little bit more and I responded to that but I was having none of the clit stimulation. T turned off the vibe and started doing some manual stimulation (through the underwear - I would have been right pissed if he had gone underneath it since I was wearing it for a reason!) and I finally said "Are you guys going to be mad if I tell you I'm just not in the right place for that?" L said no, of course not, and T stopped and they started untying me.

I didn't realize it until just right now why I have been feeling so unsettled since then, but I think it is because that wasn't negotiated. I feel violated, in a sense. I didn't give permission for sexual contact to happen because I am unable to be sexual without a power exchange happening. I left my underwear on as an unspoken message that I did not want to be touched there. Since I am usually naked with T when we play and I walk around the apartment naked and don't care if L is there or not, I thought that they would understand that I wasn't comfortable with that. I guess it's partly my fault for not making that clear but I didn't think I had to.

The shitty thing is that I think that if all this other stuff wasn't swirling in the mix between T and L and I, I could have a sexual experience with her and it would probably be great. But I worry that if I were to allow myself to give her that power, I would become too vulnerable and I can't risk it. It scares me to imagine myself in any way, shape, or form under her power because I know that she is unstable. But I also know that we play well together and there aren't that many situations where I would even dream of allowing a female to touch me.

I'm very confused about what I want. I may actually be in sub drop a little bit, because I'm crying right now and it isn't that big of a deal to warrant tears. Now that I think about it, that's exactly what is happening. No wonder I can't concentrate on studying.

I'm wondering if maybe I tell them that I want to experiencing topping and let her bottom, and see if that balances out what I am feeling. Maybe if it is going both ways I won't feel like she is trying to take power from me. She may not be but when I explained the whole situation to my housemate, she agreed and said that that is what it sounded like to her. I want to try topping and with T there to do the main part, I could watch and do the bits that L did to me - the clamps, the nails, the little bit of spanking and the wheel and such.

That is what I am going to do. *sigh* Sometimes I just need to talk with my fingers to figure out what is going on in my head.