All good things must come to an end

I'm being melodramatic but still.

We spent yesterday afternoon and night together, and went out for breakfast today. Not only that, but he agreed to come watch the game with myself, Y, and M. Fantastic. Y had cooked a pork roast with veggies and coconut rice, and S decided that he wanted to do dessert so we got the groceries and headed over there.

We were fairly flirty with each other - or at least, I was flirting with him. He was ... flirting but in a "don't irritate me anymore" kind of way. For example, I pinched him when he said something (probably to make fun of me *lol*) and so he grabbed my inner thigh. Hard, so hard, that it feels bruised even now. When I pinched him again, he put me in a wrist lock and said, "No more pinching." I know that tone of voice - keep pushing the line if you want the consequences. I didn't. I was feeling ... something, that made me not want to push that line too far.

He made dessert and not only was I not allowed to help, I was banished to the living room. I was standing in the kitchen with Y, looking at the frog, but it was allowed because I wasn't watching what he was doing or interfering. I tried to snag a piece of pineapple off the plate and he pretended to spear me. When I continued to stand there, peering around the corner and watching him, I got the raised eyebrow and the nod of the head to the living room. I went.

After dessert, I asked if he would come down to the dungeon with me to look at the spanking bench. I wanted to know if it could be altered so that the pieces moved, allowing for different sized spankers to fit comfortably. This particular bench was created for Y specially so it fits her dimensions but it's slightly too big for me. I draped myself over the bench to demonstrate how I wanted it to be moved, and he simply said that yes, it could be made like that, and then moved to the door. I said, in a slightly pouting tone, "You missed a golden opportunity there." His response: "What, to spank you? Not so much missed as ... declined." That sounds a lot meaner in writing than it did when he said it - it was said in a flirty, keep me wanting it kind of tone. However, as I pointed out to him, I was promised a spanking for picking him up at the airport yesterday, and I still have not collected. He didn't respond and I didn't push it.

There was something earlier but I don't remember exactly. (I smoked a joint with my upstairs neighbour so I'm a little stoned at the moment.) I think it was when he was duplicating the wrist grabs that I absolutely cannot free myself and I said that I was going to learn how to get free from it, and he said, "Oh you think so, do you? But you don't choose when you get free, do you? I do." That was pretty hot, actually.

I already knew that I wasn't staying the night with him. He had told me that right at the beginning of the night that he may have work for tomorrow and his buddy or boss or whoever is going to call him in the morning and let him know. He's also still feeling on Ontario time which would mean that we got up around 11 but we also left Y and M's house at 2. He said he was still pretty tired when we were in the truck on the way back to his house. I took a breath and a chance and asked what the chances were of me staying for a little while at his house, taking my clothes off and romping around with him on the bed. He said, "Honestly?" I raised my hands in disgust although I think it came across as, "Please," and he said, "No. I don't want it."

I'm trying to stay rational here. I know that he is the type of person who simply says it how it is, and that he didn't mean for it to sting the way it did. It's just - I don't want it and I don't want you are pretty much interchangeable in this sentence and that is hurting a little. I feel as though perhaps I was a little too blatant tonight in my flirting (although the night he met me I was wearing hardly any clothes and I was flirting hard that night) or perhaps the unintentional comments from M and Y made him uncomfortable. Y said that we might as well have been together as long as Y and M because we fight the same. Right now we are fighting over who gets custody of the phrase, "I'm just sayin'" which it is possible that I stole from him and didn't realize it but I like it and I don't want to have to stop using it. He says I must have stolen it from him because he's older, to which I had no comeback at all. I hate it when he does that!! *grin* He said at one point, "I am not hanging out with you tomorrow! This is too much!" when I was using the phrase but accidentally, not even meant to get at him.

(Just as an aside, on a positive note, I know he mentioned me to his mother, because he said that he told her about us sparring together [which was more like him beating up on me and me giggling and trying to get free]. She asked if he hurt me and he said of course not. From how he talks about his mother, it seems as though lying or evading the truth is not an option, so I wonder if she asked if he had met anyone out here and perhaps that's how I came up. I like to think so, anyway.)

He also said that he might be going to Cuba next week with his boss because the movie has most likely been pushed back. I shrugged my shoulders and dealt with it because clearly, if I want to be with him when he's in the city, I can't be a nag about how much time he spends here. I just have to enjoy what I can get.

When we got to his house, I had to come in and grab a small toiletries bag that I had brought before I knew that I wouldn't be spending the night. I didn't bother to take off my shoes or anything, and I was standing in the entryway, trying to control my voice so that he wouldn't realize that he had hurt my feelings by not wanting to have sex with me. First, I don't want him to ever feel bad about telling me the truth. I would much rather come home alone and unsatisfied than find out that he just did it because I wanted it, not because he was into it. Second, I believe that if you ask a question, you must be prepared to deal with any answer you get. I was not prepared for him to not want to have sex, so his response caught me by surprise, but I consider this to be part of taking personal responsibility and so my response is mine to deal with. I didn't want it to come across as a guilt trip or anything. So, I said goodnight and he came over and kissed me - smoochy-type kiss - and I said, "Call me if you go to Cuba." He said, "I'll call you before that," and then kissed me again. I smiled and left, and although I felt like I might cry in the car, I didn't.

That could also be because I'm pretty tired. I'm not used to sharing a bed with anyone, so that kept me up a bit. Also we went to bed at 10pm Vancouver time and I haven't gone to bed that early in a long while, and I also have this annoying habit right now of waking up after about 4 hours of sleep and feeling wide awake. I just lie there until I fall asleep again but last night that was pretty frustrating. I know that things will look better in the morning and I will be able to see his comment in the spirit it was intended - "I'm not into it, not feeling horny, don't have enough energy, I'm too tired, I simply want to have my bed to myself for the first time since coming home." I know that I haven't done anything gigantic that would cause him to not want to see me anymore (like I said, I was pushing to a point, but it was pretty far away from where I would normally have tried to go) and he did kiss me goodnight and say that he'd call.

And so help me god, I am going to let him call me. I am going to take him out of my phone again and I am not going to cave this time. He knows I'm interested but he made an interesting comment yesterday, talking about a buddy of his and a girl that went on a date with him, and apparently she was saying all kinds of things like, "I've loved you forever. I'm so glad we've finally got together," and S was really unimpressed by this. His idea seems to be that it's not necessary to throw it all out there and that it's good to leave some things hidden or mysterious. Therefore, since he knows that I'm hugely interested, he knows that I am loving the sex, and he knows that I want for us to play, I'm going to let him initiate.

I keep thinking of things that I want to write down because I don't want to forget them, but they don't belong here in the narrative. However, I'm going to add them so that I don't forget.

#1: Last night, here at my house, I showed him my toys. While I was getting things organized to leave, he came into my bedroom and picked up my flogger and smacked the end into his hand. It made me shudder because I *love* that sound. Then he picked up my slapper, pushed me down face first on the bed with my feet still on the floor, and hit me three times with it. His comment, "I like the way it sounds." I was already getting away from being able to talk. It's like as soon as he touches me, in any way, I drop into subspace. It's quite crazy. And then he said, "Lets go," and I had to haul myself back up again and try to be normal. I think he finds it amusing.

#2: Last night we were lying in bed, naked except for my panties (which I showed to him and got, "They're alright." Grrrr!) and I was stroking and scratching his back which he loves. Suddenly, he grabbed my hair and brought my lips to his and kissed me, then proceeded to bite my lower lip so hard that it made me whimper. He did it four times, then suddenly released me and said, "Use both hands on my back," and turned his head away from me. I had dropped so far into subspace at that point that I could barely breathe, let alone respond, let alone do anything but obey. I *love* being there. He stretched his arm back and got under my panties and worked his magic. He ended up flipping over and I got to do some cock worship (which I wish I was allowed to do more of, but he's the boss) and then ended up straddling him, facing his feet. He stripped the panties off me and then was lightly spanking me, then spanking my pussy, and then using his cock to spank my clit. I was writhing around all over the place, and I'm not sure exactly what happened (because I was stoned and a little boozy) but it felt like he inserted. However, every other time, including this morning, he used a condom and I know he didn't use one this time because I was sliding back and forth to use the friction to cum, and sudddenly, he came. I didn't even realize exactly what had happened until he said, "I don't know what the hell you just did ..." I waited for him to say something else but he didn't so I asked, "Was it good?" His response, "Well you made me cum, so yeah I'd say it was good." I'm not worried about pregnancy because I'm on the pill but I am concerned about sexual health and I wanted to talk to him tonight but there wasn't a good time to bring it up.

I need to go get tested again, because it's been a year since Guns and I went and got the full tests done. I want to know when his last test was, and whether we are monogamous right now or what, and what that includes. I didn't think I was going to have that conversation right away but if things like last night happen, then we must be fluid bonded. Otherwise, his unwrapped cock cannot come anywhere near my naughty bits. I can't take that chance. The thing is, I want to fluid bond with him, so it works out for me.

I would like to have that cleared up before he goes to Cuba, if he actually is going to go. Damn, if he goes to Cuba now for a week or two, and goes to work back in Ontario or the oil fields for March and April, I'm barely going to see him. When we were in the grocery store, he made an innuendo to me about it being easy to make me cum and I knocked something off the shelf because I stopped concentrating. I said that it's only when he tries hard that he gets any response and he said, "Do you really think I try that hard? And look at you, you can't even walk straight just from thinking about it!" That's when I said that I plan to spend as much time with him as I can between now and Monday, when school starts, because after that, who knows? Work here, Cuba, work elsewhere...

He also made an innuendo in the liquor store last night. We were looking at the different kinds of Saki and he was comparing a few kinds, and finally he asked my opinion and I said that I would bow to his superior experience. He said, "It's not the first time you've done that, is it?" I laughed and asked him, "Why is it that I feel like my face is bright red?" and lo and behold, I was blushing.

Okay, so this post has done what I wanted it to do. There is so much positive here that I can't allow myself to go to bed thinking that it's a negative situation. He was honest with me - he wasn't into it, for whatever reason, and he told me straight up. I appreciate the honesty and I appreciate the bluntness. He's interested, we're having a good time. It just wasn't happening for tonight but hey, there's always tomorrow.