BIO party

I am going to a BIO play party tomorrow night. It is a full on dungeon play party - not like the Cirque de Sade parties which are more about Stand & Model rather than play.

The new man is going to tie me up and hit me with floggers. In public!! I've never done that before but I have a feeling that there is an exhibitionist hiding in me somewhere.

There's a new munch in town too, for the young kids instead of the older generation. Not that the oldies aren't great, but it was decided that perhaps our generation should have it's own munch so that we can get to know each other without feeling like we're being ogled by old men. Or women, I suppose. One must be gender-neutral. *rolls eyes*

Friendship

B is my best friend. The story of how we came to know each other is one that still fascinates me - if even one little thing had been different, I'm not sure that we would have ever talked. I mean really talked, like about the important stuff. (The accidental all-nighter.)

She has a beautiful spirit, when she can be persuaded to show it to anyone. I marvel over the fact that we have been able to tell each other everything. She knows about all the kinky activities I do, and has been my safe-call checkin multiple times. She supports me when I'm doing the right thing but isn't afraid to call me on stuff if she thinks it's wrong or detrimental to me.

We decided, what with Canada allowing for gay marriage, that we would be each other's backup because who else should one marry but one's best friend?

But I know that she's scarred and I know that she has issues and I don't know what to do about it sometimes. I've told her what I think her course of action should be to try to resolve some of them but she has not taken my advice yet.

And every so often, she pushes me away. I don't know why - maybe she feels neglected by me because I'm so busy with school and she figures that it's easier to be the one leaving than the one being left. I don't know if she knows how much I love her, even though I've told her. We don't talk about stuff like that very often, and we don't hug. It's not one of those types of girly relationships.

She's pushing me away right now. She's barely answering my phone calls and I can't ever pin her down to meet. She was mildly interested to hear about my date last night but nowhere near as thrilled as I would have expected.

It makes me sad. It made me cry tonight. I went from feeling on top of the world because of last night to feeling like I might be losing my best friend, and that maybe the best thing would be to just let her go.

My life changed today

I met a man today who has blown my socks off.

We just spent the last eight and a half hours in each other's company and I didn't want him to go home.

He said that he'll call me tomorrow.

A girlfriend and I have decided that instead of asking each other if a date was awesome, and having the other person have to get more depressed when they say it sucked, we now ask if it sucked because then, when dates like today happen, the answer is: "No, it didn't suck! It was the best fucking date ever and I am so excited about it!"

I can't wait for her to ask me tomorrow.

Today goes down in the books as a pivotal day in my life.

I am the strongest woman evah

I learned how to do a hip throw in martial arts tonight, and I threw one of our black belts, a black guy who is probably around 190 lbs of muscle. I kick ass. Don't fuck with me.

*giggle*

I was thinking on my way home that I want a Dom who is dominant like my Sensei is dominant. It's very understated - he doesn't have to go around the dojo reminding everyone that he is the sensei. When he speaks he gets instant quiet. When he orders something, instant obedience. Everyone works hard to get a few words of approval from him.

It's been a difficult journey for me, my martial arts training. I've been doing it for two and a half years, and I am a second degree brown belt, but it has not been a smooth road. I have difficulty bringing my submissiveness and my warriorness together in harmony, and it seems like when one of them is at the forefront, the other must be completely put on hold.

I used to love martial arts. Then I was spanked for the first time and I really started exploring my submissive side. I stopped going regularly, I stopped wanting to try as hard when I was there, and I started to resent certain aspects of training. Now that I am taking a break from submissiveness, I am back at the dojo and willing to try and train harder.

And through it all, my love affair with it and my distance, my Sensei has been waiting. He says that he sees greatness and natural ability in me and he wants to help to bring it out of me. He and I have not walked the easiest road together but we keep talking and trying to understand each other so that we can keep training together. Tonight he told me how happy he is that I am back on a regular basis. That simple statement gave me the same kind of warm glow that hearing "good girl" does - except not with the arousal. Don't get me wrong, my Sensei is gorgeous. But I know and like his wife so...

I don't know that I can put it into words, the characteristics that my Sensei has that I want a Dom to have. Maybe it's more of a feeling, or an evocation. Maybe I'll just know it when I come across it. I have known one other person who commanded my obedience in the same way although we were not romantic and he is certainly not into D/s. He is just naturally the way he is and it evoked something in me that didn't allow me to be any different when I was around him. Maybe that is what I need to try to find. Maybe it's not so much about having compatible kinks or limits but finding the person that I fit with.

This from the girl who a few days ago decided that love doesn't exist for her. But that is another entry on another day, because I gotta go to bed.

What song should you strip to?

Your Stripper Song Is

Toxic by Britney Spears "With the taste of your lips I'm on a ride You're toxic I'm slippin' under" You may dance for someone - but only to weaken their defenses.

What Song Should You Strip To?

I own a Britney Spears cd. It's my dirty little secret.

What drink are you?

You Are an Appletini

Most of the time, you're a typical party girl / guy. But when you get super sauced, you really up your sex appeal.

What Mixed Drink Are You?

mmm martinis... *grin*