I just lost a long entry. I don't know what happened - I hit the shift key and it disappeared.

I've already got most of my catharsis out from writing it, but here's the basics:

I called S at 12:15 to see what he was going to do. He said that he was really drunk, and that he would probably crash at his buddy's house. I offered to come pick him up and he said that he would phone me when they got outside. I asked if he would remember and he said yes.

45 minutes went by and nothing, so I phone him again at 1 and left a light, non-accusatory message on his voice mail, saying that I was still open to coming and picking him up, and that maybe we could have some sexy action in the morning since if he was that drunk he probably just wanted to pass out tonight. I asked him to call me back and let me know.

I should have left it there. I realize that. But 15 minutes went by and still nothing, and I was wondering if I should just go to bed. I should have gone to bed. Instead, I phoned again. It rang twice, then connected and there was a bunch of beeping that sounded like numbers being pushed. I said hello a couple times, then I heard S say, "She won't stop calling me!" and his buddy said something about the phone, and then it disconnected.

That was an hour ago. Of course I have not heard anything from him. In the past hour I have come to realize that his behaviour is incredibly selfish. The whole "no plans, no expectations" thing is selfish. Saying he'll call and then not calling is selfish because it leaves me hanging and not knowing what is going on. Take the day before he left for Ontario. Totally selfish - left me hanging all day and the whole evening when he went to the hospital. He could have called me and let me know but it didn't cross his mind. Why would it, if he is an inherently selfish person? And he must be, because even if he's going through a selfish phase after splitting with his wife (as I have done in the past where the only needs I want to consider for the time being are my own) he should still have the common courtesy to let me know what the fuck is going on, instead of just leaving it up in the air for me to figure out.

Wow. I'm way more pissed writing it this time. It's like I've had more time to mull it over and see that his behaviour is the one that is crossing the line, not mine. Sure, maybe I shouldn't have called that last time. But if he had the common courtesy to tell me that he's staying at his buddy's house then I wouldn't have felt the need to continue to ask the question!

So. Tomorrow I plan to drive by his house and if his truck is there, call him and ask if I can stop by for a moment. And then I want to ask him if he wants to take this opportunity to tell me to fuck off. He says that he's blunt and he says what he means - then lets do that. I hope that he doesn't want me to just go away, and I also hope that he can appreciate my point of view that I'm feeling like he has absolutely no interest because he never initiates anything. But I think that tomorrow will be the end of it because even the greatest sex of my life cannot make up for a person not really being interested in me. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him, and I'm not getting that feeling at all.

I feel sad. I really thought that he was different. I thought this would be something. And maybe it could have been, given different timing. Maybe it's possible to find someone who ...

Update: it's 2:22 and he just called. How crazy! He said that he's at his buddy's house and he can't move and he can't drive so he's crashing there. I said that that sounded like a good plan and that I appreciated that he had called me back. He said that he figured I would still be awake so he thought he would call and let me know. Wow. Unexpected! I said that I had wanted to hang out but clearly tonight was not the night, and that if he's in the state that it seems, he wouldn't be able to do the things that I want for him to do. He laughed and said no. I asked if he got my email about 007 and he said no and asked what it said. I told him I had wanted to put the bug in his ear about going to see 007 on Sunday and he said, "That sounds great." I asked if he gets hangovers and he said no. Then he said that it wasn't the beer that was making him this way, it was the last joint they were going to smoke. I giggled and asked if I should phone him tomorrow. He said no, that he has to help a buddy in the afternoon but he would phone me afterwards. I said okay, told him to sleep well, and that I would talk to him tomorrow.

So now I'm confused. That conversation was just like all the others - giggly, a little flirty - not a conversation that you have with someone that you don't want to call you anymore. I think I still need to have a conversation with him about why I feel the need to call multiple times, and that he either has to give me some reassurance in the form of not forgetting about me a few times, or realize that I like to know what's going on.

I think tomorrow I will send him a text: "just in case you were too stoned to remember the possibility of 007 with me tonight ... call me when you're done helping your buddy out. :)"

I'm glad I didn't smoke a gazillion cigarettes the past hour and I'm really glad that he called. What a fucking rollercoaster.