I sprained my ankle at the dojo today and it's fucking huge. Gigantic. Hurts like a mother fucker. I can't walk on it at all; instead, I'm reduced to hopping on my left foot or crawling.

When I posted in my other blog, I got a comment asking why S wasn't here looking after me. My response was something along the lines of "I'm a strong woman - I don't need a guy to look after me."

But the real reason? I was afraid that if I asked, he might say no. And since my philosophy is not to ask the question if you can't handle the answer, I chose not to phone.

Trust? Abandonment? I dunno.

But I do know that I'm not ready for my heart to get broken. Once before I asked a boyfriend, one who professed to love me and wanted to marry me, for help in a moment of need, and I was severely let down. That left its mark on me and it's very difficult for me to ask for help from men that I am interested in because I am so afraid of being let down again. I would rather live with the fantasy that he would have come to help me rather than know the reality where he might not have.

Cowardly? Perhaps. Self preservation for sure.

I'm going to crawl to bed now. Fingers crossed I feel better tomorrow.