I talked to Guns tonight and I said that I hate playing games. It's not me. It makes me anxious and irritable and unhappy. If he's leaving Vancouver I think I would be more upset that I didn't just spend whatever time I could with him, regardless of whether it's initiated by me or not.

I'm going to take him at his word that he will be blunt and tell me if I am pissing him off or he wants me to fuck off. Since that hasn't happened, I am going to assume it's all good.

So I called him. Again, he was busy with his Japanese buddy but again, he answered the phone. When I got all flustered that he was busy he said it was okay and he could talk for a minute. I told him I was getting frustrated over here and he said, "Oh yeah? What kind of frustration?" and I replied, "Sexual..." He laughed and tried to convince me that I was on speakerphone, to which I replied that I walk around parties wearing only panties. It's kinda late for me to act shy!

Anyway, I said that it would be great for us to hook up and he said he would call me later. I said, "Later tonight or later this week?" and his response was, "Um ... yes." That's turning into a joke between us - every time I give him an option he just says yes. I asked if he actually thought he was going to call me tonight because if not I was probably going to go to bed early (yeah right - it's almost midnight - oops) and he said probably not because he does have to work tomorrow.

So. The new plan. Tomorrow is going to be a very long, busy day, unless it actually does snow 10-15 cm which is what the Weather Network is predicting, in which case it will be long, boring day. Wednesday I have martial arts in the evening. I have figured out that I need to call him earlier in the evening before anyone else has had a chance to make plans with him. So, Thursday when I am done school, around 5ish, I am going to call him and see what he's doing and hopefully, hopefully, hang out, have some dinner, and have sex.

The new plan means taking what I can and not being all emotional about what I can't. If this is meant to only be a casual thing then I will have as much fun with it as I can before I have to say goodbye. If it turns into something serious then it will do that in its own way, on its own time.

I am reminded so much of my relationship with G, and how eventually it came into being a silently acknowledged thing between the two of us that there was a "thing". Never his girlfriend but definitely his woman. And the end result of that relationship was him telling me he loved me ... and me walking away because I was so tired from the battle to get there. But if I could get him, I can get S.

And if the only way I can have him is like this, then I'm taking it. After I talked to him I felt more settled and less jumpy. As much as I wanted to know how long it would take him, I just can't wait to see. I figure I will just ask him if he'll let me know if I'm pissing him off or being too pushy. I'll let him know that so long as he doesn't say anything I will assume that my behaviour doesn't cross any of his self-protection boundaries but that if he does start to feel hounded or pressured that he should please just tell me because guess what - I can't figure him out! In fact, I think I can use that to start the conversation off ... I'll say something like, "Hey, you know how you said that I would never figure you out? Well, you're right. So can you help me out with something?" He hasn't had a problem with me asking any questions so far, so I'll just come right out and ask him what's up.

In the past 60 hours I have had approximately 8 hours of sleep so I think it's time to go to bed. And now that I'm not trying to be someone I'm not but rather just accepting myself for how I am and accepting the world for what's in it, I think I will finally be able to fall asleep.