The new plan is great.

I phoned S yesterday because the bridge traffic was horrific, yet again. He was home sick so I offered to go pick him up anything he needed from the store. He told me that he's actually an independent sick person, which used to drive his wife crazy because he would pamper her if she was sick but if he got sick he would basically tell her to leave the house and stop driving him crazy. (I took this as him telling me not to be offended that he didn't want me to do anything for him - that it wasn't anything personal towards me).

I said, "I hope I'm not driving you crazy with all these phone calls but it's just whenever I call, you're always already busy and I really want us to hang out so I keep phoning... but I hope that you don't look at your phone and think 'Fuck, she's calling me again!'"

His response: "I always answer my phone when you call, don't I?"

And that is all the reassurance I needed to hear. I don't feel like I need to probe it for anything else. It will be what it will be, and if it grows into a relationship, that would be awesome. If it doesn't - if the only thing we ever are to each other is fuck buddies - then I will enjoy every minute of it.

He did say something about how he's been in a selfish place for the past while (not his exact words but I don't remember what those were) which I also took to be a good sign. In my experience, truly selfish people don't recognize that they are selfish because they are incapable of looking at their own behaviour from an outsider's point of view. It is only people who are usually not selfish that can recognize that they have been behaving as such. I know that when I have gone through breakups I have had selfish periods and maybe this is what this is for him.

Yes, the hope is still there. I can't help it. But just because in my perfect world we do end up in a relationship, that doesn't mean that I can't be happy with what it is. I have been so less stressed since two days ago when I decided to stop the bullshit. I can sleep. I can think about him without wanting to cry. It's good.

It's funny, because it is that I have let go of expectations, but instead of being on his terms, I have let them go on mine, and that has made all the difference.