I just came back from a weekend away, trying to get my mind away from S.

It worked, for most of the weekend. On the bus on the way back into town I started drowning in memories...

It was hard to push them aside. Hard not to cry. Hard to realize that even though letting him go with a clean conscience was the best thing I could have done, for him and for me, it's not going to be easy to forget him.

He called me on Friday.

I was over at Y and M's, having an absolutely wonderful time with them and L. We were drinking and laughing and I wasn't thinking about S at all. At about 2:30 I was getting my stuff together to leave, checked my phone, and saw I had a message from him that he left around 12:30. I listened to it but he was talking really quietly and I couldn't quite get what he wanted, so I called him back.

He had fallen asleep on his couch and my phone call woke him up. He was a little loopy as people are when they are trying to have a conversation after being asleep. I asked why he called and he said he was just wondering what I was doing. I said that I was leaving Y and M's and he just said, "oh." I asked if he wanted me to come over and he didn't come right out and say it but that's clearly what he wanted. However, I figured if he didn't want to ask, I wasn't going to make it easy for him. Then he asked what time it was and when I said 2:30 he said that he had to get up at 7 to go to work so it would be better if I didn't come over. No problem. We hung up.

I sat on the couch and smoked three cigarettes in quick succession, trying to figure out what the hell this meant. He had been very clear during the conversation on Tuesday when he informed me that he was probably getting back together with his wife that we would not be having sex again until he knew what was going on with her. And now this?

At 3:20 I stood up to leave and realized that he'd called again at 3:10. I phoned him back but pretended that I had just got home. I think that he was holding back in the first conversation because he didn't want Y and M to know what was going on. Maybe feeling a little embarrassed or whatever. Anyway, he asked what I was doing now, and I said that I had just walked in the door at my house. He said, "Oh..." and so I asked him straight out, "Do you want me to come over?" He responded, "That's up to you." I laughed and said, "No, I think at this point it's up to you." He was quiet so I said, "I tell you what. I'll give you options and you tell me yes or no. I could take off my shoes and my jacket, put down my purse, and go to bed. Or, I could get back in my car and come over to your house." All he said was, "Okay." I said, "Go unlock the door. I'll be there soon."

I was giggling about it, feeling hugely entertained and incredibly sexy on my way over. It's not just me who thinks the sex is great! And even though M said that he thought I should be careful, because I'll always be the number 2 girl because of the shit with his wife, and do I really want to be number 2 or would I rather find someone where I can be their number 1, and etc etc I was still feeling on top of the world.

I got there and the door into the house was unlocked, and the door into his suite was ajar a little bit. I walked in and all the lights were off except for his heater which is made to look like a fireplace. He was in bed, so I took my shoes and jacket off and went into his room. It felt like coming home.

I lay down on the bed, on top of the covers and fully dressed, and told him about my night. We giggled a lot. Then he turned to me and asked if I was going to spend the night. I hadn't spent a night with him since the first night he was home from Ontario. I said yes, and he said that I should make myself comfortable. I stood up and took off my clothes, all except my panties.

I lay down again and got under the covers, and he scooted over, saying that I was too far away. I said, "I thought you didn't like to touch me when you're sleeping," and he said, "I'm not sleeping." I was determined that he would make the first moves because I wanted him to not be able to shift blame onto me for whatever was going to happen. I wanted him to know that he wants me just as much as I want him.

So we talked a little bit more, and then he said, "You seem awfully awake." I agreed, and he said, "I have a back you can work on, if you want." He rolled over onto his stomach and I started scratching his back. God, I love touching him. I could do it for hours. I avoided the sweet spots on his bum which was disappointing for me, but again, I wanted the first sexual move to come from him. After about 20 minutes he flipped over onto his back and without either of us saying a word, I continued to touch and stoke and scratch his chest and his thighs but I didn't touch his cock.

That is, until he took my hand and placed it there. That was all I had been waiting for. I started stroking it, and playing with his balls, and getting that sweet spot right behind them. As I was stoking that spot I said, "This is my favourite spot," and he said, "I kinda like it too." It's one of his trigger points.

He wrapped his hand in my hair and pulled my head down, and I proceeded to give him the best blowjob ever. He came in my mouth and it was wonderful. He tastes so good and I just love every bit of it. I lay there with his soft cock in my mouth for ages, not wanting to let go. I think I knew that it would be the last time.

He was a little surprised that he had cum like that, because it's not something that happens easily for him. He said, "That's the first time for us that that's happened." I noticed he used the word 'us'. I told him that wasn't true - the first time we spent the night together, when we woke up I gave him head and he came.

The problem was, he's 38 and that orgasm knocked him out. I said, "Do you think I came over here out of some altruistic reason?" and he responded, "That's way too big a word for 4:30 in the morning!" It made me giggle. I said, "Altruistic is when you do something for someone else and don't expect anything in return." His reply to that was that every other time he has gotten me off multiple times and so maybe this was fair?

I wasn't too upset about it. After all, I was there, with him, in his bed, spending the night, and I had made him feel fantastic. Life was great.

He set the alarm for 9 for me, but at just past 8 his cell rang. He answered and had a five minute conversation and for a minute I thought it was his ex but at the end he said, "I love you too, Mom." Thank god. He lay back down and we cuddled for about 10 minutes but when it was clear that we weren't going back to sleep, he suggested we go get coffee.

We got dressed and headed out to Starbucks in his truck. I bought the coffee because I'm nice like that. Then we decided to grab some breakfast so we found a little hole in the wall Chinese restaurant close to his house that does breakfast for cheap.

We were sitting in the booth and I knew the time had come. I said, "So ... what is ... this?" motioning back and forth with my hand between us.

"I knew you were going to bring this up," he said. "I don't know. But ... you're winning."

That made my heart jump. However, what I said was, "I'm not competing! If you want to be with me, then be with me. But I won't compete for you and then have you go back to Toronto." And her, but that part remained unsaid.

"I just ... don't know what's going on," he said.

"Well, removing me completely from the equation and speaking as your friend, I think that you should think really hard about this. After all, you've moved out here, started a new life, and if you're not 100% sure about her ... I would just think about it."

He replied, "I really don't want to talk about this."

"Okay," I said, and dropped it.

We had breakfast and then drove back to his house. He was heading off to work, better late than never, and I had a stagette to get to. While we were in the truck, he said that he had to drive to Abbotsford to get to the set. I mentioned that I had driven to Chilliwack on Wednesday and he asked why. I said that I like to drive when I'm upset about things and need to figure them out.

He said, "What did you figure out?" I shrugged, and he said, "Well, you're here, aren't you?" I looked at him and nodded. He knew that I had been dealing with the bombshell, and trying to move on, but exactly. I was here. I leaned over and kissed him, and said, "Call me," and jumped out of the truck.

One of the things we did for the stagette was take a pole/lap dancing class. It was great fun, and afterwards I called S and left him a message saying that I had learned some damn sexy moves and if he wanted a private show, he just had to call and ask.

I ended up going with Y,M, L, and T over to another couple's house and playing poker on Saturday night. It was fun and we were out until 4:30 but I found myself checking my phone constantly to see if he'd called. I drove past his house on my way home and his truck was there, but he'd probably been working until late and was exhausted since we'd both not got much sleep that night before.

On Sunday I slept in, lay on the couch and watched reruns of Sex and the City, and then went to Y and M's to watch the hockey game. On my way home, I drove past his house and he wasn't there, so I phoned and left him a message saying that the Canucks had won, not that he cared but I was sharing with him anyway.

I got home and by midnight I was so restless. I got in my car and drove over the bridge to see if he was home. I needed to talk to him. He wasn't there. I went home and barely slept all Sunday night. I woke up at 4:30 to go to work but I needed to know. Was he home? I drove across the bridge again to see, and yes, his truck was there. He was home.

I went to work and to school, and on my way home from school I realized that this had to stop. I was acting like a basketcase, like a stalker. I checked to see if he was home and then called him and said that I needed to stop by and talk to him for a minute because I was confused about something and needed clarification. He said that he was heading out in about 10 minutes but I could stop by if it was quick.

I walked in and he was sitting on the couch and my heart leapt up in my chest. As I was taking off my shoes I asked, "What are you up to tonight?" He said that he was picking someone up from the airport, and I looked up and said, "Oh. Is it ..."

He looked at me and said, "Oh you think I'm picking up my ex! No, no it's my buddy from Calgary is coming to visit." Relief washed through me. Even though I knew what the end result would be from this conversation, I didn't want to have it and then send him off to see her.

I sat down on the couch and looked at him and said, "Okay so the reason I'm here is because last Tuesday when we talked, you didn't leave any room for hope. And then the weekend happened and now I'm confused as to what is going on. And I can't do this - I'm not emotionally able to be your friend with benefits. I haven't made any secret of what it is that I want from you ... But I didn't even call you back for 2 hours on Friday because I didn't know you'd called. I wasn't paying any attention to my phone. Since then, though, I've been attached to my phone, wondering if you're going to call."

He said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have phoned you on Friday. That wasn't fair."

I was weak. I said, "If I know that that is all it can be, then that's fine. The sex is just sooo great - I don't really want to give up the sex. But ..."

He said, "No. You're right. I won't ever call you for that again."

I almost started crying. Hearing that was a knife in my heart. I said, "Don't say ever. Just say until you get this stuff figured out."

We paused and looked at the tv. Then I said, "I don't know if I should say this. Maybe it's not fair... but I'm going to say it anyway. I fell head over heels infatuated with you the first night we met. Like, this much," and I spread my arms out wide, "And it's just been getting better the more I get to know you."

He said softly, "I'm sorry there's a wrench."

I said, "I think you're fantastic. And I just wanted you to know that."

He said simply, "Thank you."

We turned back to the tv for a few minutes. He was watching the Amazing Race and one of the twosomes used to be a couple. It was the All-Star one, so they had apparently been together on the first one but had since broken up. I said, "I can't imagine spending that much time with any of my exes!" I told S about Saturday night and what we had done to T when he got too drunk and passed out, and we giggled about it.

Then he stood up and said, "Well, I have to have a bath before I go, so I don't mean to kick you out but ..."

I stood up and said, "No that's okay," and started putting on my jacket and scarf. I was choking back tears - I really didn't want to cry in front of him. He knew that I was upset and he could tell that I was almost crying but I didn't want to have that indignity.

I put on my shoes and then stood up and looked at him standing there, two feet away from me and yet so much further than that. I took that step and hugged him, and he hugged me back, one of his wonderful hugs where he squeezes me and doesn't let go until I do. I had my head on his shoulder, breathing him in and just ... being. For a moment in time.

I said, "Thank you for being honest," and I stepped back. He was looking at me with those eyes that can see into my soul and I knew that he knew how much I didn't want to walk through that door. I said, "Don't be a stranger," and he said, "I won't."

"Bye," I said and opened the door.

"Drive safe," he said, as he always does when I leave his house.

"Thank you," I said, and I walked away.

***

I went over to Y and M's. I couldn't be alone. I couldn't be at my house. I didn't talk about it that much but I just needed to be with other people.

I know that I made the right decision. It's better that I grieve now rather than later when he decides to go back to Toronto to see what's going on with his ex. I feel that neither of them will really know if they want to be back together until they see each other and spend some time together and I can't be around when that happens. Plus, this gives him a chance to really find out what his feelings are for her, without thinking about me.

Maybe he'll realize that he wants to be with me. I laid all my cards on the table - he's under no illusions as to how I feel about him. That was important to me. I wanted to know that I had given him all the information to make his decision so that I wouldn't have to look back and wonder if he would have chosen me if he had just known ...

If he does come back to me, I would give him another chance in a heartbeat. M thinks that is still allowing myself to be the number 2 choice but I disagree. I think in this situation, he has to go see if there's a future with his ex or he would spend the rest of his life wondering. If he does that and realizes that his happiness doesn't lie with her, then coming to see if he can be happy with me is just exploring his options.

I'm not going to sit around and wait for him. If he chooses to come back into my life, that will be enough time to see what's going on there. That doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to him anymore. I plan to phone him in a week or so and say hi. I do want to be his friend. I want to know what's going on in the situation with his wife. I want to know if he leaves Vancouver and goes back to Toronto. It would break my heart to just realize one day that he was gone, with no goodbye.

But emotionally speaking, I know I made the right decision. I could have hung around, waiting to be at his beck and call, but I did that with Alan for two years and it didn't get me anything except a lot of tears and being alone. I didn't want to replay that, and I'm glad that it only took me three days to realize what I needed to do.

It's funny, because I had originally planned to ask him, when I went by his house for clarification, if there was enough between the two of us to hope for an outcome in my favour. I figured if the answer was yes, I would stick it out and see what happened because walking away from a guy this fucking fantastic is breaking my heart. But when I got there I knew that I needed to say what I actually said. I needed to take care of myself and my emotional needs.

Y and Guns are both proud of me for making this decision and having the conversation.

That didn't make it any easer when I got home last night and didn't want to go to bed, because I knew that when I woke up this morning, it would be over and done with. It's not the same day that the conversation happened. The entire relationship is now in the past, and fuck, is that hard to deal with.

I didn't even go to school today. I took today off to try to get my shit together. I was going to clean my house and catch up on some reading but it's taken me an hour to write this entry and now, I need to have a shower and get out of the house. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm going to do, but I need to not sit around and wallow in my memories of the best guy I have ever met.

Fuck.

S called me today. He left me a message asking me if the Canucks won last night.

I sat in my car listening to it with a stunned look on my face. After all my angst about him phoning me spontaneously and wanting him to become interested in hockey so that we could watch games together, he leaves me this message two days after telling me he's getting back together with his wife?

So I called him back. He answered with, "I heard they won." We had a conversation about hockey and then about his job that he's working right now. He's driving trucks for a tv show and I said that I had assumed he was doing electrical stuff. He replied, "Nope. I am a man of many talents," to which I responded, "Yes, I know." He chuckled.

It was fucked up. It was flirty and completely normal to what one of our conversations were like, before.

When I hung up, I must have had a hilarious expression of "What the fuck? What the fuck!!" Then I remembered that I had said to him, after he dropped the bombshell, that I hoped we could still be friends and he said "I don't see why not." I said, "You don't think it will be giving a false impression?" and he replied, "No, because I'm telling you how it is, right now."

I hadn't been thinking very clearly on the phone and I also didn't really think that he would want to be friends, considering he never really called me or initiated contact. But then here we have proof to the contrary...

When I talked to Guns about it, she asked how I felt and I realized that it doesn't seem to be bothering me. Maybe if I saw him I would have difficulty not jumping his bones - okay, honestly, I will have difficulty with that. Every single time I have spent time with him I have wanted to rip his clothes off his body and have that wonderful fantastic sex.

But clearly, what this phone call today tells me is that he is not rejecting me. If his wife were not in the picture I think he and I would still be doing ... whatever it was that we were doing. We weren't having a relationship but we were doing more than casually sleeping together. Whatever. It doesn't matter what it was; it didn't need a label. My point is that he feels he needs to explore this avenue of reconciliation with his wife and if that is the course of action that he feels will bring him the most happiness then he needs to follow it to its conclusion.

I personally don't think, from what he's told me about why they split in the first place, that they will succeed together. It may take a year or three but the same problems will raise their heads and the fights will start and suddenly they will be thinking, "What were we thinking? Why did we think this would work the second time around???" Unless by then they have a baby, in which case all bets are off in terms of whether they stay together or not...

I'm not planning on hanging around on the off-chance that they split and he wants to get back together with me. I'm planning on leaving the door open for him to call me if he gets to that place but I have a life of my own to live and I'm not waiting for anyone.

Besides. I realized today in the car that he is reconciling with her because he believes that his happiness lies with being with her. I want to be with a man who thinks that about being with me. I don't want to be filler or the girl until something better comes along.

So yeah. I'm not sad. I am disappointed. But I think that there may be a possibility of him and I being friends and it's not like I have so many of those that I would want to shun someone, simply because he wants to see if he can be happy with his wife. I don't feel rejected. I know it has nothing to do with me as a person. Just from the fact that he called me has given me enough closure that if I never saw him again, I would not feel like things that been left unsaid or unknown.

Good enough.

Him and the ex are "probably getting back together."

I was told this on the phone tonight. To give him credit, he did say that he hadn't planned to tell me on the phone. He had wanted to tell me in person.

It's just that I had made a comment that I guess he figured he couldn't let pass, being the nice guy that he is, so he dropped the bombshell on me. It's not like I'm surprised. I'm just disappointed. I knew it was a possibility but I thought it was a remote one ... I didn't think it would happen.

The moral of the story - do not get emotionally attached until divorce papers are signed. I held myself back from truly jumping in with both feet and while I did cry when we hung up the phone (I was mostly composed through the conversation) I talked with two of my girlfriends and realized that the best sex in the world can't make up for a guy who "just isn't that into me."

But damn, it's sad to realize that the best sex of my life is never going to happen again. There's a really good chance that I will never orgasm with another man again because it took me 27 years and more partners than I care to recount here to find one who could do the right things and have the right attitude that would allow me to relax enough to orgasm.

Guns thinks the fact that I found one means I should be hopeful that there are more, but I'm not. I think he was it, and it was a case of really shitty timing and she met him first. I can't even be angry with him because I completely understand where he's coming from and his reasons for acting the way he has. He was honest with me when he could have played me along for awhile.

I could wish that he was an asshole because it might be easier in the short term, but in the long run I'm glad that he does appear to be a stand-up guy.

I just wish ... that things were different. Lots of things. But - they're not. So shut up and deal, because life gives two options. Deal or die. So I'm dealing.

Too little, too late?

On Sunday, I had invited S to go to an opera that UBC is putting on this weekend, and he said he wasn't sure about his work schedule but he would call me. I thought, "Yeah right!"

But then yesterday, he called me around 1:30 while he was at work, and left me a message saying that he's been working all this week and will be working this weekend, and thanks very much for the invitation but he wasn't going to be able to make it. I called him on my break at school to say thanks for letting me know, but it was a very short conversation because he was at work and he had to go. He did answer the phone though ...

So you'd think that I would have been excited by this, because he followed through and called, but beyond a slight surprise when I looked at my call display, I didn't get that feeling of excitement. I think because we are barely hanging out, I have just let go of any feelings regarding the whole enterprise. Yeah, the sex is still the best I've ever had. But I want a relationship with him, and if that's not on the table, I guess I subconsciously decided to back way up and take my emotions out of it.

That's not to say that I'm not still going to call him and try to make plans to hang out. It just means that there is no longer any counting of the days between phone calls because if it goes four or five days without any contact - well, what did I expect?

I'm such a pessimist!

I phoned S today to let him know that I wouldn't be attended an event that we both thought we might end up volunteering at, because I have had a terrible head cold for the past 2 days and spent the majority of that time in bed. I sounded all sniffly in the message because my nose won't stop running. S had said a few days ago that he would most likely be working tonight at another gig but he still wasn't sure, so I thought it would be the polite thing to do to let him know I wouldn't be at the event so that he wouldn't show up and expect to see me.

I don't remember what time this was ... maybe 4:30ish? And he never called me back to see how I am feeling! Now maybe he is at that job, although he would probably be working until 3 this morning so I would imagine that he wouldn't have been there yet ... anyway. I'm sick, I'm being a pessimist, but I'll tell ya - if he doesn't call me tomorrow to see how I am, he's gonna lose major brownie points!!