I could almost think I imagined last night, if it weren't for the little bit of soreness, and the toys drying beside the sink in the bathroom.

As I was going home from watching the game at Y and M's, I drove past his house and his truck was there! I called him and we chatted briefly. He asked who won the game and I said that we did. "Funny - I didn't know you played," was his response. I said that we clinched a playoff spot with our win tonight and he said, "To celebrate, I think I should fuck you."

"YES! Yes. I think so too! Very enthusiastic yes please!"

He said he would take a bath, then come over to my house. I sped home, had a shower, and cleaned my house (because I like people to think that I live in a spotless house - it's just a thing of mine). Then I sat and twiddled my thumbs for a good while because he was taking his time. He finally got here around 12:15. I got up to kiss him hello and ... yeah. The chemistry. As soon as our lips touched, I felt the tingle in my clit. When he bit down on my lower lip, my legs got weak. He took my hands and placed them firmly on his cock which was already hard. Mmmm.

I broke the kiss and said, "You were mean last night, with those things that you said!"

He said, "What things?" and I - for some bizarre reason - got shy and couldn't say them.

"You know what you said," was my response.

He sat in my La-Z-Boy and was loving it. He said that he was in Starbucks earlier that day and that he was looking at the coffee makers and he wants one. I asked if it was the espresso machine or the drip maker that he wants and he said both because it would be nice to have both when he gets his house. (So what does that mean? He's *not* moving back to Ontario and back into his ex's house???) I mentioned that I get a 30% discount and that they are on sale right now and he did his, "Really ... We might have to do something with that." He asked if I had any wine and I scrounged up a bottle of red - he's a white guy but he enjoyed it. It was Little Penguin Shiraz which is one of my favourite reds. As I was pouring it he was standing at my counter, looking at the coffee that I have sitting on the counter. He asked if I get a discount on the coffee too and I said yes but we also get a pound free every week. He asked what I do with it and I said that I barter it. He said that he wanted some and I said, "It'll cost ya."

"How much?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

"Mmmm... orgasms, I think," I replied.


Then he said, "Lets see your toys." We took our wine into my room and I showed him the hitty toys hanging on the wall, and then we sat on the bed and I showed him all the sex toys I have. I have quite a few! I haven't looked at any of them for quite some time! The one toy that he did want to use was out of batteries but he said the rest of it would do just fine.

I was sitting on the bed, my legs out straight and my hands between my legs. He came and straddled my hips, trapping my hands underneath him. He pushed one spaghetti strap down and pulled out my left breast. Squeezed the nipple hard enough to make me gasp. Repeated the process on the other side. I pulled my hands free and slid them under his shirt, pulling on his nipple ring. Then I slid them down to his pants and undid them and pulled out his cock. I love his cock. Immediately I had to have my mouth on him, so I bent my head and started sucking. He tangled his hand in my hair and held me still as he fucked my mouth.

Then, suddenly, he pulled away and with his hand still in my hair he threw me over onto my stomach. My socks were discarded and my pants were ripped off my body. I could feel that I was dripping wet and he hadn't even touched me yet.

I felt a tapping on my clit and realized that he had grabbed my wooden paddle. I love that paddle but it sure does pack a wallop if someone decides to hit hard with it. He didn't hit that hard - he just really liked the inside of my thighs. He had my legs spread with one knee bent so that he could really get at them. I heard him chuckle when he did the first real stinger and I moaned and flinched - but immediately put myself back into the position. If he felt that I didn't move quickly enough, his hand would come down on the opposite leg, holding me open for the smack. Then there would be some across my ass, then he would hit directly onto my clit. I was moaning and wriggling and oh so wet.

He came around to my head, grabbed my hair and thrust his cock into my mouth. I greedily started sucking. He pulled my tank top off at this point and his shirt too so we were both naked. I was deep throating his cock and he was fucking my mouth when suddenly his hand pulled me off and shoved my face at his balls. I started sucking and licking, turning my head to get at that sweet spot right behind his balls. His fingers found my clit and I was gone. First orgasm of the night but most definitely not the last.

I got my breath back after that orgasm and flipped over so that I was on my back, my head between his legs so that I could really get to his balls and the sweet spot. He started pinching my thighs and ass and nipples, making me moan and squirm and whimper when he got a good spot.

Then - he was done here. Threw me back on my stomach and suddenly I felt the tip of a vibrator rubbing against my clit. The hardness of it felt so good. It didn't at the time but it reminds me now of when he used the bottom edge of his beer bottle on me at his house once and had me cumming all over the place. Then he thrust it into me. I haven't had anything in me since the last time he and I had sex which was weeks ago, so it took a moment to adjust but then it felt fabulous. He was just using the first couple inches and was twisting it around as well as in and out. I was gone. Pushing back on it, whimpering, moaning, cumming.

He got up and rustled around with the sex toys and I knew what was coming next. When he got back on the bed I heard the lube bottle snap open and I was certain. I still had the vibrator in me, still not turned on, and I was quivering because it has been so long since anything of any size larger than a finger has been in my ass. He held my ass cheeks apart and I felt the lube drip down. I was breathing so hard at this point - a little anticipation, a little fear. Then the tip of a plug started pushing it's way in and I relaxed. And I am so glad that I did because it felt so fucking amazing. He was fucking me with the vibrator and the plug and I was writhing around, pushing back and trying to get more. He pulled the vibrator out and I was just left with the plug which was making me feel things in my ass that I hadn't felt since Jason first used a plug on me, all those years ago. I had an orgasm just from the plug.

He was manipulating the plug with one hand while smacking me with the paddle or the slapper with his other hand. I would push back because the plug felt so good and then would get a smart smack of the paddle. It was all just sensation. Then, the vibrator came back and this time he turned it on. It was hitting my g-spot and I was out of control. I was squirming and writhing and started not just moaning but "oh my god!"ing. "Shut up," he growled. I clamped my mouth shut, trying hard not to let any sound escape while having one of the largest orgasms of my life. This cycle continued a few times, each time the orgasm getting stronger. I thought I was going to shake right off the bed! He grabbed my hair and pulled my head back so that I was arched backwards. I was moaning and whimpering and couldn't stop even though I knew I had been told to shut up. His hand came and clamped over my mouth. I put my hand over his to keep him from moving it and I stopped breathing. The sensation was too intense - I was tensing everything, all coiled tension and then - bam! The best orgasm of my life. So intense. Started breathing again, in little gasps.

And then he switched gears. He pushed me flat on the bed and my flogger came gently down across my shoulders and stroked across my back, my ass, my thighs. So nice. Again. One more time. Then - 'smack' with the paddle when the flogger lifted away. I twitched like I had been given an electric shock. I never knew when the paddle was going to fall, or where. He loved the reaction he got from my inner thighs so he focussed there quite a bit.

And then it was his turn. He lay down, propped up on my pillows, and pulled me around by my hair, shoving my mouth onto his cock. I was lying between his legs so I scooted around until I could get a hand between his legs. I sucked my middle finger to get it wet, then stroked his sweet spot and anus. He *loves* that. I rewet my finger and pushed it in a little, stroking his cock with my mouth to the same rhythm as my finger pushing in and out and around. He was moaning, just a little, so I knew I had the right thing going on. I think he might have even said, "Right like that," which is helpful because I haven't ever touched another guy like I touch him.

It didn't take him long. "I'm gonna cum!" and then ... yummy. I almost choked but I got to practise my technique of swallowing while there is still a cock in my mouth. It took four swallows to get it all down. I would do that every day if he let me. I love giving him head.

He was relaxing against the pillows and I was still between his legs, my head resting on his thigh. I somewhat sat up and found a glass of wine and had a sip. Mentioned that my makeup must be all over my face and he replied, "Yep. Your hair is a bit of a mess too." I laughed. It always is after sex with him. I love that he uses my hair to put me in whatever position he wants me in, or to direct my head and mouth to where he wants it.

"Should be good for a pound of coffee ... or four," he said. I giggled and said yes and lay back down. He said, "I can feel your heart beating in my thighs!" I think my heart was still trying to get back to normal after all the orgasmic yumminess. I moved to his side and was stroking his chest. I didn't want to stop touching him.

"That was a booty call," I sighed.

"For you, maybe. For me it was work!" he said.

"I seem to recall you getting some at the end there!" I protested.

We lay there quietly for a couple minutes, then I asked who his roommate was. He said it was some guy that he works with, and I said, "Not the Japanese girl?"

"No. She said she loved me, so she had to go."

"Oh. Did you know her from before?" I asked. He said yeah. I knew she was the sister of the girlfriend of one of his friends but I hadn't realized that he knew her. Anyway, I like the fact that his roommate is a guy. Even if there's no relationship potential here, at least it's not that he's getting fucked all the time at home by some sweet submissive Japanese girl.

"And after all that, you didn't even do what you said you wanted to do, last night," I said.

"What did I say?"

"'I want to lick you'".

"Hmm. That was yesterday." Too bad, because I do love his tongue. Not that I'm complaining! But I do love his tongue.

He said that he had to go soon because he was working at 4. We talked about his work briefly and I asked about when he was going back to Ontario for the movie or show or whatever. He said he didn't know, and shut down the conversation. I wanted to ask about his ex but it wasn't the time - we were naked and enjoying the afterglow of our orgasms together. Not the time to ask about whether he's planning to get back together with his wife or if they have decided to divorce after all. I mean, I'd like to know - but not right then.

He thought my reactions were amusing. "You didn't know what was going on or what you were gonna get!"

I agreed. "It was like 'mm that's good more of that oh ow no that one mm I want that but if I push back for more of it I get the other thing ... can I stand the other thing? yes I think so ow maybe not!'"

We got up and got dressed. I was looking at my thighs as he pulled his pants on and he said, "Yes, you have marks!" I kissed him goodbye and he asked for me to look into the price for the coffee makers. I said I would, and I would phone him and let him know. I watched him go - realized that he had parked in the alley so he must have remembered the way after I got him in the general neighbourhood. He had only been to my house once before but he was driving then too and I know that if I drive somewhere, I tend to remember how to get there again. I had given him directions to park out on the street and hadn't realized that he had come up the alley. It didn't matter though - my housemates wouldn't have been going anywhere at after midnight.

I fell asleep almost the instant the light was turned out. I didn't even think to see if any of the pillows smelled like him and to sleep with that one. He was wearing a little of his cologne which I love: Swiss Army.

So yeah. The sex was fabulous, as always. Due to the coffeemaker, I think we'll be seeing each other again. I felt a little discombobulated when he left because it really was a booty call. He came over, we make some short conversation, then had sex and he left. We haven't ever had sex and not spent the night together, so I think that was part of it.

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I am so busy for the next week and a half that it doesn't matter, but then I will have four weeks or so off before school starts up again for the summer and I head off to Europe. There is no time for a relationship and I don't think he wants one. The tone that he used when he said that the Japanese girl had said that she loved him was the same as the look I got when we were having that "final" conversation and I said that I had fallen for him for the first night we met. I think he thought at the time that I was going to say in love but I said 'infatuated' instead and the look went away.

It is a weight - when someone loves you and you don't or can't love them back. He's not ready for that. I think that the plan of attack should be to keep things light and fun and sex-based for the next month and a bit before I leave for Europe. I'll be gone for 10 weeks and who knows what will happen in that time. He may go back to Ontario, either to work or to reconcile. He may stay in Vancouver. He may get a girlfriend here, or another sex buddy, or whatever.

Who knows? It's not something that I can think about or worry about. It just is what it is and that will be enough.

Unfair tactics? Yeah, I'll say so!

S called me last night but I had my ringer off since I was at the coffee shop doing homework. I saw it about 45 minutes afterwards, so I called him back. He was kinda sleepy but not so sleepy that he couldn't tease the hell out of me and refuse to let me come over. Payback for making him horny at work the other night.

Yeah - I could barely string two words together in a sentence. He was saying things like, "I want to lick you," or "I'm going to make you cum so hard ... " I tried to get him back and I really tried to convince him to let me come over but he was sticking to his guns that tonight wouldn't work. Probably better because I have this presentation to write this morning that I am giving later today, but damn it I wanted the sex.

He said that he might not go to work today, in which case he'll call me. In fact, his words were, "Maybe I won't go to work in the morning and I'll fuck you hard before you go to school." Good thing I had the car stopped at this point because I was in no shape to be working heavy machinery.

He also mentioned that tonight might be better. I said that I am watching the game at Y and M's but I would be done around 10, but he might be working tonight like he's been working every other night since ... forever!

Even though I was so turned on and being left high and dry, I thought that it was pretty cool that he called and did this. It means that he is into the booty call and that he is also into being Mr Funny-Man with me again.

And I know that this is a strange way to be dealing with the situation but I feel good about the fact that I haven't had sex with anyone else. When we hook up eventually, if he asks or says anything about it, I can be honest and say nope, that I wasn't interested in getting it from anyone else except him.

It would have been nice to have been able to sleep a little better last night, but that's okay. Hopefully some rockin' sex is in my near future. *grin*

I managed to extricate myself from the date with the older gentleman with not too much trouble.

Went to Y and M's party and although I had a great time, I wasn't feeling it the way I normally do. For example, although I lost my shirt and bra (Dan just can't stand seeing me wearing clothes *lol*) I ended up putting them back on, even though I was only getting good comments. I just wasn't feeling sexy like that. I mean, I was flirting like a fiend with the world in general (the liquid chocolate is just such a good prop to make people want you) and with D and Lori in particular. D and I have even made a date to make a date to do a little otk. I haven't done otk since ... Jason. Wow. And I know that D can be pretty intense and I don't know if I'm ready to get intense with anyone, let alone a casual encounter.

Y played with our 24 year old Brit who is leaving in May and apparently it was fabulous and she highly recommends that I try him out before he leaves. But - they fucked and I'm not sure that I want to have sex with anyone. It's strange - it's like I'm waiting for S and yet I know that there is no future there.

I finally talked to him, a few days ago. I called him to try to find out when he would not be working (never - seriously, the guy never stops working) and he told me that he is going back to Toronto to work on a show or a movie or something. I don't know if that means that him and his ex are planning a reconciliation. I don't know if he'll ever come back to Vancouver, even though he said that he still wants to make this his home. I don't know if we'll even manage to hook up before he leaves. I did say that at the very least I would like it if he called me to say goodbye when he goes back to Ontario, because I would find it very sad if he just left without saying goodbye.

As long as that's there, though, I'm not interested in anything or anyone else. I just want him so fucking badly.

There's a large part of me that wishes we never met, because then I wouldn't know what I was missing.

I met a man last night, a friend of a friend of a friend. There were a few of us out for dinner and he came to join us for drinks and dessert. He's quite a bit older than me but we were flirting and it was fun to be testing the power of my flirt again. He came outside to keep me company while I had a smoke and he kissed me. It was alright. Nothing terribly exciting but I could probably suck it up for the lifestyle that he was promising me.

He has a boat and has invited me out on it when the weather gets nicer. I joked about wanting diamonds. When I mentioned that I would love to see an opera, he said he would take me.

He got a little too touchy-feely after the kiss - not inappropriately but when we were all sitting in the lounge after dinner he had his hand around my waist, stroking my skin under my sweater. Stuff like that.

I gave him my number and invited him to Y and M's party that happens tonight.

But.

S and I have been talking a wee bit over the last few days. I sent him a text just over a week ago saying, "I know that this is not what we agreed to but ... can I interest you in a booty call?" He called me about an hour later saying he had just seen my text and that yes, he was very interested but unfortunately he was on his way to work. We took a rain check.

This past Thursday it had been a week and he hadn't called (he works like a fiend!) so I sent him a text around 10pm saying, "Your choice. 1. You really have been working a lot. 2. You didn't mean it when you said yes to a booty call. 3. I'm touching myself and thinking about you... which one do YOU want to be true?"

An hour later, give or take, I sent another one that said, "oh! oh god! Ohhhh! Mmmm... you're good. Better in person though. PS. looks like option 3 was the right choice. *grin*"

My phone rang about 10 minutes later but cut out. I called him back but as soon as he answered it cut out. I think they must have been working somewhere with bad reception.

The next day he called me in the afternoon while I was in class, so he left me a message. I snuck out to the bathroom to listen to it and he said, "Hey it's me. Unfair tactics. I was at work all night and I had to think about that. Hmm. I owe you. Ciao."

To which I responded in a text: "Unfair tactics? No! It never occurred to me that I might be making things 'hard' for you... *giggle*"

I was driving home from dropping Y off last night and all I could think about was S. It's not fair to get involved with someone else when my heart is still given elsewhere. I felt really uncomfortable about the whole thing with this new man, so I slept on it and woke up today realizing that when he calls, I am going to have to step up to the plate and tell him that I am sorry but I am not ready to be in an intimate relationship with anyone right now. I thought that I was and I wasn't trying to tease him last night, but I realized when I got home that I was not ready and I'm sorry but I'm going to have to cancel our date for tonight.

It will be awkward and I'll feel like throwing up when it happens, but it's the only ethical way to move forward.

The strangest thing has been happening. I have been starring in my masturbational fantasies for the past couple months. It started with me thinking about sexual escapades with S, then moved into imagining new escapades with S, and now that I refuse to allow myself to think about him for longer than 5 seconds (the length of time to start thinking about him, then realize what I'm doing and resolutely push him out of my brain), I've been imagining me with various other people, known and unknown.

This is different from the past x years where I have always fantasized about other people. It's like in a dream, where you are you, but you are someone else? You know that this isn't actually you but for the duration of the dream, it's you? Yeah, it's like that. I have never been *me* in my fantasies, until just lately.

It's interesting. A little uncomfortable too, because I tend to fantasize about stuff that I would never want to actually happen to me, like rape and other non-consensual activities. Or guy-on-guy stuff which is impossible for me to experience except vicariously. But these days, it's all about me.

I think he's gone.

I phoned him to see if he was attending the dungeon party on Saturday, the one where we originally met. His phone was turned off, which was weird. I left a breezy message, just saying hi and asking about the party. I asked him to call back. He hasn't called back. That is also weird.

And I haven't seen his truck outside his house at all in the past couple of days. Since I called and got silence in return, I got curious so I've driven by a few times. There is no glow coming through the window from his laptop that he always leaves on.

So. I think he's gone. Back. To her.

Which makes sense. I was just saying to Guns two nights ago that he should have gone back already. After all, if I was his wife and we had started having conversations about getting back together, I would be saying "Honey, come home. Please." They can't possibly decide whether they want to be together unless they are together.

Still. If he's gone ...

It's good.

It needs to be done.

But - a little lonely.