I have always been turned on by humiliation. I can remember masturbating when I didn't even know about sex yet, and I would get myself off thinking about humiliating or embarrassing situations. And interestingly enough, my fantasies never have me as the starring role. I might inhabit someone else's body for the duration, kind of like a dream where it isn't you but you are inside the person's mind, but it is never me, the person I am inside my own mind.
Which is good, because the stuff that I get myself off to is some crazy shit. Completely non-consensual, usually man on man because gay porn is hawt, or mind control stuff where the person can't help themself. Or just abject humiliation for the bottom. And most of the time, the male is the bottom, even though in "real life" I have no desire at all to top a male. I am just starting to entertain the idea of topping a woman but I don't like seeing submissive men. It makes me feel kind of weird - maybe that's how other people feel when they witness any kind of BDSM act? I dunno. I would never say that out loud because it makes me seem intolerant which I don't think I am - I'm all about do whatever makes you feel good. It's just not something that I want to get involved with, I guess.
I want it to be Saturday because I want to be getting hit with my flogger. I just wish that I didn't have to be hung from the roof first, but it's all about compromise. First T can suspend me and hit me with his canes (I'm assuming, anyway) and then he will finish it off with the flogger. Or I suppose if Lisa comes that she could always flog me afterwards. We did have an amazing scene in the dungeon at a party where she flogged me (her first time ever with a flogger) and then spanked me. My only complaint was that it could have been harder but that was because she warmed me up so well. But then it's not really a surprise that she would know how I like to be spanked, considering that she dated J for a year, a while before he ever met me and delivered my first spanking.
I want it to be Saturday, right now. Damn powers don't seem to be working. *sigh*
Okay, this is not nice of me. But dammit, I almost burst out laughing when it happened last night.
I have been asking T to read a book called "Crucial Conversations" which is the best self help book ever written. I have learned so much about how to communicate through reading this book and I want everyone in my life to read it too so that all our communication can be improved. Anyway, so T has had it at his house for a week or two and it has been sitting on the dining room table ever since, so I took it back last night. I offered it to Lisa to read and her exact words were: "No, my communication is fine." Yeah. If telling people that they are stupid when they get anything wrong, no matter how small, and getting so defensive when you are in the wrong that you yell at everyone else and alienate the people in your life, then yes, your communication is great.
Please!
But I let it go. All I said was, "That's what I thought, until I read this book." And I left it at that.
However, even though T refuses to read the book and still evinces huge issues with "talking about his feelings" I have convinced him to talk to me if things piss him off. When he realized that it was really okay with me to use phrases like "pissed off" or "fucking angry" he apprehensively said okay. After all, he's used to being yelled at when he tries to express himself. I have at least a year, if not longer, of bad conditioning to undo but I am convinced that if I am patient, and he doesn't live with Lisa for too much longer, that I will succeed and at least get him to the point where we can have conversations about what is going on betweeen us.
On a completely different topic, we are going to a play party on Saturday and I think that I am going to surprise him and wear the green apron that he asked for me to wear sometime for him. I might feel a little silly wearing such an item at a public event but I want him to know that I will bend myself over backwards to fulfill his fantasies, especially since he is said okay for me to bring my flogger. Yay!
Really, I'm a bit of a bitch. Or a hypocrite or something.
I talked to Lisa on the phone yesterday. I was calling T but he was out tending to the "children" - apparently he's bought himself a tomato plant and some herb plants. I mentioned that I had read that she was coming to Lori's party and she, hesitantly, said, "Yeah. Is that okay?" I of course said that it was fine, as though I had no hesitations at all.
I guess I just wish that I had had a chance to talk to her before we all hang out again. I still want to address with her the way that she talks, sometimes. It's not what she's saying - it's the tone of voice and the way that it is delivered that bothers me. I stop feeling safe and I retreat into silence which does no good for my emotions as I just end up sitting and stewing in them.
Maybe tomorrow I can find some time to talk with her, as I'm going over there after martial arts class. I know that she will get defensive and probably angry, and will probably lash out at me so it's best to do it when we are not planning on heading out and being with other people. But I don't want to be drinking in public when she starts mouthing off at T again for some imagined slight or another because I don't think I will be able to keep my mouth shut and it will end up being a bad scene all around.
*sigh*
The main thing I have to keep in mind is that I do like her and would like to continue to maintain a friendship with her, but it has to be built on mutual respect or it's just not going to work.
On a different topic altogether, I have just started only working one day a week because my grades are slipping. I received a midterm back in one of my philosophy classes and I only achieved a 65%. That is the lowest grade that I have got, ever, in post secondary. I also got an essay back that was a B- which is almost the lowest grade ever. I haven't had any time what with work, martial arts, and spending my free time with T and B. Having a boyfriend takes up a lot of time, it seems! The end of this month is four months for us - I don't keep track and we don't have an anniversary but I just counted it up and I can't believe it's been a third of a year already! We've made some tentative plans to go camping the weekend after the Labour Day long weekend as all the kids will be back at school and hopefully the campgrounds will be less crowded. I'm pushing the idea of going to Tofino because I haven't been to the ocean since last summer and I need some waves.
B is getting help with her eating disorder. Finally. *huge deep sigh of relief* She has been on a small dosage of Prozac for a month or two now and the change is remarkable. She laughs now. I had forgotten what happy B was like. However, the shrink that she saw at the hospital wants to triple her dosage and have her check in to the eating disorder clinic at St Paul's for three weeks to "have a vacation from her disorder". As though taking away her access to food is going to make her any less aware of what she puts in her mouth. I don't think it would be a good idea for her.
What I do like is that there is an outpatient program that this shrink wants her to go to once a week to meet with a counsellor who is trained specially in eating disorders and a nutritionist and people who work with you to try to find out your triggers. I told B today on the phone that I see that as really beneficial whereas I am extremely worried about her tripling her dosage of Prozac. I want to see her cured and that will only be done through counselling, not shoving drugs down her throat. And as I said (and she said, so she's done some introspection here as well) usually when people are on anti-depressants they become numb and have no ups or downs. Right now the level of Prozac has kept her from crashing down into depression but it still allows her to be happy. If she starts taking more then she could get to that numb state and that's where she was before any Prozac.
I'm just so relieved that she is open to receiving help about this, and that she is allowing me to give my input, albeit gingerly and with much thought to how I frame my words. I don't want her to push me away again.
It's my friend Lori's birthday celebrations this Friday coming up and I'm really excited to see her and her husband and the rest of that gang. I don't hang out with them that often because I'm so busy and so the times that we do party together are always a blast. I flirt shamelessly with her husband ... and her, to tell the truth. She was the first (and only so far) woman I ever kissed. I can be a person with them that I am not anywhere else.
Trouble is, they have met the boyfriend's ex, Lisa, and when I was browsing Lisa's blog and reading about her recent troubles (I like to stay on top of them so I can be prepared) I saw that Lori has invited Lisa to the party on Friday and a huge part of me doesn't want her to come. She came on the trip north when T and I went to meet his parents because she tried to commit suicide recently and he wanted her under his eye so that he wouldn't have to worry about her doing something while we were gone. T likes to invite her to do most things with us so that she doesn't feel left out (wtf!!!) and now she's probably coming to Lori and Joe's and that means that it will be different for me.
I think that part of the problem is that she is incredibly rude to T. She puts him down, calls him stupid if he makes a mistake, that kind of thing. She does it in a tone of voice that makes it seem like she's kidding but I do not think she is. She has incredibly low self esteem (probably because of her depression) and I think she uses that to bolster her own feeling of self worth but it's getting really old. He never says anything, probably because it's just easier to shut up than argue with her, but I'm getting to the point where I might blow up at her and tell her to either treat him with respect or shut the fuck up. Of course if I do that then where does the respect for T go, what with me having to stick up for him and all?
Grrrrr. I want this situation to just ... be gone. When T and I are alone or with other people, things are great. He stayed at my house this past weekend and we had a fantastic time. He is a completely different person when he is not hanging around her, and I have planted the seed that perhaps it is time that he changed his living situation. I could see this having a long term possibility if she were no longer a problem.
Oh, and on a positive note, we played yesterday. He was pawing through my toys on Saturday and came across my smart balls, and happened to make the comment that they are supposed to be a lot of fun during a spanking. Yesterday he told me to put them in and then he used my wooden hairbrush and leather slapper and his hand and mmmmmmm it was lovely. And he was right - the smart balls were a lot of fun. Bonkity bonkity bonkity. *grin*
I'm still with the guy I mentioned a few entries ago - the one that blew my socks off. And things are going great; we hang out every weekend, we cook together, go for walks together, are reading the same books. He took me out of town to meet his parents and it went so well that they invited me back for Christmas.
I like him. A lot. And perhaps I'm being premature in thinking that love can develop this quickly, or I am still thinking that relationships happen like they do in your teens or even early twenties, which is the last time I was in one. Maybe love takes longer as you get older.
I'm worried, though, that it's not that. I think it is that I have been alone for so long that I no longer feel a need to let someone in that close. I have a space around me that no one enters and I am content that way. I see the good things in him but I also see the things that I know mean a long term relationship would not work between us.
His ex-girlfriend is his roommate. They still play occasionally, although I have told him that it really bothers me and makes me feel jealous and unhappy when they do. That said, I didn't tell him not to do it - I left it open to his discretion. I also plan to have the same conversation with her because we have become friends... but there is a distance there because of the history that she shares with him.
He doesn't communicate about how he is feeling. Now don't get me wrong - I have no interest in a guy who feels the need to share his feelings with me every second of every day. But when there is something on your mind, you need to be able to express it. And if I take the plunge and make myself vulnerable and bring something up, I need to be met halfway, not met with silence.
We don't play very often. I think he has good intentions of wanting to play more, but then it gets late and all I want to do is go to bed. With my schedule, staying up much past midnight is not going to happen (right now excluded). He brings toys over to my house ... and then doesn't bring them out. He tells me that he is going to cane me later ... and then we go to bed. I'm not used to being a bottom; I'm a sub by nature and that means taking what I'm given and being grateful for it. He tells me that I can ask for anything at any time because we don't have a power exchange like that but I can't do it. The one time that I did, he caned me later that night and while it certainly felt good, I felt like he was only doing it because I wanted it, not because he wanted it. My kink is too wrapped up in my Top's pleasure for me to be happy with a service Top. And then to make my uncertainty worse, he got me off but didn't initiate anything for himself. I don't even know if he got excited by the caning.
And then, of course, the fact that we don't play very often leads me into thinking that perhaps it's because he's getting his fix elsewhere. Like with the ex. We agreed from the beginning that we could play with other people and while it's not a natural thing for me, I have got used to the idea that if he goes to a play party he is most likely going to play with other people if I am not there. But I wonder if that is why he doesn't want to play with me - god, I can see the scars left by J.
The older I get, the more I see the cause from the effect. No longer do I think that I react a certain way simply because I am made that way. My reactions to other people are all based on the way that I have learned to respond and it's scary when I can track a particular response to a particular person and event. So many men that left so many marks: G, M, A, R, and J. All in their way they have affected the person I have become. Of them all, the only one I still speak to is R and that is extremely rare. He's probably due for a phone call although he'll try to entice me into bed with him. But then, why wouldn't he when that was how our friendship started?
As much as I sometimes try to pretend to myself, I know that R really did have my best interests at heart. His influence, more than anyone else's, I can feel the most. With his help I have managed to tidy up the mess that was left when A and I parted ways. With his words echoing in my mind I was able to deal with left over trauma that M and G had caused. I heard his voice when I was dealing with J and he was part of my strength when that all went to shit.
Strangely though, he's silent now. Maybe I haven't given it enough contemplation yet. I know that the basics wouldn't have changed - look after myself first and others second. Guard yourself. Don't let anyone close until you know that you can trust them ... but always question whether you can trust them or not. More often than not, people let you down. Be prepared. Be yourself but don't be stupid. (God, I can be so stupid.)
Maybe tomorrow I'll drop by and say hello, run my current batch of problems by him and leave with a fresh batch of wisdom to ponder over in my free time. Maybe he, with his endless examples and metaphors, can make some sense of T's actions and give me a path to follow that won't end with my heart being broken.
After all, he saw me shattered once. He put me back together. I still remember that the sky is blue, R, and no one will ever tell me differently.
I just spent what was left of my evening making a spreadsheet in Excel for my budget. Ya know, it's funny - when I had to take Computer Science 101 for a math credit to transfer to university, I bitched and complained about it. But it has come in handy at least five times since then, not least being tonight with my own spreadsheet with automatic calculations and everything. I'm pretty proud.
I'm also bloody exhausted because we sparred for an hour at Purple Dragon tonight. It's a drill called "10-hand" where you throw a technique and your partner blocks. Then they throw a technique and you block and you go around and around and around. 45 second rounds with the same person, then a 10 second rest while you switched partners and went again. Good cardio workout although it really drove home to me that I am terribly out of shape.
On the plus side, I spoke with one of our instructors who is a personal trainer and he is going to do a few sessions with me. I'm bartering him some of my coffee markout. What I would do without that pound of Starbucks a week I just don't know. I barter with my hairdresser, my esthetician, now my personal trainer. It's a good thing. *grin*
I stopped at the grocery store briefly on my way home to pick up a few goodies and all I wanted when I finally sat my ass on my couch was a bowl of cereal. Sounds simple, right? Obviously not for me today. The milk I had just bought was sour so I took it back. I thought about doing it tomorrow but realized that I really wouldn't want to do it tomorrow. I have to get up at 4 to go to work and then I have just enough time to come home, have something to eat and relax a little before I have to head off to school and my dreaded hated Phil of Mind class. Ugh. That's enough stress in one day without having to trek back to the grocery store to get my four bucks back.
It's been a while, I know, but there's been lots of things happening and almost not enough time to do them, let alone write about them.
However.
I'm feeling that the time is coming to be a little introspective as I've been just trying to survive in the centre of the whirlwind the past few months. Some things have happened that need to be mulled over and where else to do it but here?
