It seems that S will be coming to town for a few days in early November. We're planning to meet up and fuck our brains out. Then he'll get back on a plane and head back to TO. I'm excited for the good sex, more excited for the no strings attached. Relationships or the hope of them is too fucked up for me to deal with these days, so sex that I know will rock my socks off with no messy emotional fall-out sounds just about perfect.

He emailed me today to let me know he'd be out. Sound like the birthday present I've been waiting for.

S and I have continued to email back and forth, and they have become increasingly sexual. I took a few photos and sent them to him after he expressed interest numerous times and seemed it make it worth my while ... but I haven't heard from him since I sent the photos which was about five days ago. Whatever.

I got myself a cat because I wanted someone to come home to, and he's absolutely adorable. Right now he's cuddled up next to me as I try to type on my laptop, purring away and trying to get my attention by biting my sleeve.

I haven't hung out with any of my friends in ages, and I feel completely out of the loop and actually pretty lonely. I don't ever have people calling me up and asking what I'm dong. If I want to do something, I'm always the one who has to phone. I guess it's just a low self-esteem kind of day, and rather than staying home and sinking into it, I'm going to go for a walk and get some fresh air. It won't make my problems go away but I'm sure I'll feel slightly better for it.

There is this private hidden part of me that really wants the fairytale wedding and marriage and living happily ever after with the kids and the dogs and cats and growing old together and all that stuff. And I can't ever admit to it because I've spent the last six years promoting the fact that I am independent and don't need a guy and don't want a fairytale wedding and saying I don't want kids. (I really didn't want kids when I said that - it's just that I may have changed my mind. Maybe. Haven't fully decided on that one yet.) I've been looking at wedding photos of a wedding I went to recently and I'm jealous, and I've boxed myself into a corner by pretending that I neither need nor want a partner when in actual fact, I do want a partner. It's partly that I keep meeting guys who fall far below my standards, but it's also that I've created a shell around myself to keep anyone from getting too close in that department. Or I find myself a guy who's patently emotionally unavailable and fall for him because I know that it's not going to go anywhere.

*sigh*

I think I'm lonely.

According to the email I got back, he went to the lawyer today. Hmm. My response was: "You went today! Alright, I'll take you at your word." Then I sent him a picture of my bum with the smiley face he drew on it the night before he back to Ontario for Christmas with the caption "Remember this?" I don't have any new pictures so I sent him that one as a teaser ... I guess I'll have to break out the camera and see what I can do.

S emailed me when I was away on my trip. I had sent out the address to my travel blog to pretty much everyone in my address book but if I had had to guess one person who wouldn't read it, it would have been him. But he said that he had been following along with my adventures and wondered how I was.

I waited two weeks to email him back, until I was home in Vancouver. I sent him a short message saying that I was home now and that I was doing well and I asked about Toronto and how it was treating him. I didn't think I'd get a response very quickly but he emailed me back the next day. Said that work was good and he wasn't sure yet if he was going to stay there or come back to Vancouver but he'd know after this contract that he was working on.

I waited almost a week before replying, and when I did I said that I hoped that if he does come back to Vancouver I would love it if he let me know because it would be awesome to see him again.

He sent another one back, being funny and asking if he was reading between the lines properly and that I was offering to send him more pictures, like I did at Christmas when I sent him a few of my ass. His exact words in the email were: "did you say you are going to send me some photos of you , your ass,, those perfect twins and what ever else you can fit on your pc" because apparently he's lonely out there and has no time to go "hunting".

I emailed back right away, asking if I was reading between the lines correctly in that he is not getting back together with his wife, because I don't want to send pictures if I am just a diversion while he figures out what is going on there. I think that's fair. I have no problem with taking pictures of myself and sending them to him, but I do not want to have him drop that particular bombshell on me again.

I'm confused about how I feel on the whole thing. I really wish that things could have been different between us, but I was so tongue-tied around him that I don't think he got to know me all that well. Plus there was the selfish never calling thing, and the working all the time thing, and never being available to make plans thing. But then there was the calling me sunshine thing, and rocking my socks off in bed thing, and making my heart skip a beat and my stomach drop thing just by looking at me a certain way or seeing his name on my call display.

I had a date on Friday with a nice man who I ended up going home with and having sex with, but I had to call it off because the sex wasn't like sex with S. And if he is to be the comparison that I now make with all other takers, I may never have sex again. It took me 27 years to find someone who could actually make me orgasm, who likes to have sex the way I like to have sex, without any coaxing or instructions from me because we both just like it that way and so therefore it worked. I now know that there is at least one person out in the world that I am sexually compatible with but considering that I am now over 20 in my personal "have had sex with" list and only one of them has been compatible, and the number jumps over 20 if we include people I have kissed or made out with or given head to, or any number of things that don't include penis-in-vagina which is still my personal definition for me of what sex is, and still I didn't have chemistry with any of those people like I had chemistry with S.

My point is that I may be sending pictures off into the void and get no return on them except knowing that he's jacking off to them, which is a pretty big compliment but doesn't get me anywhere. There's the possibility that he may never come back to Vancouver and since I hardly ever go to Toronto (pretty much only when I'm forced to) there's the chance that I may never see him again. And yet, there's the chance that if I keep up dialogue with him, things may happen. He may get to know me better. He may want to get to know me better. He may come back to Vancouver for other reasons and be sure to call me because of the fact that we've kept in touch, even in such a casual way.

In very simple words - I may get hurt again. And I'm wondering if it's worth it, for a small chance at some kind of happiness (or sexual satisfaction) with this man, to risk getting my heart broken. Again.

But of course I do know that if he confirms that he and his wife are not getting back together (and why wouldn't he say it, even if it's not true - I can only trust to his honesty) that I will send him pictures. It's flattering as all hell that the one man who I want in the world wants pictures of me to jack off to. There's all those beautiful girls on the internet that one can look at for free and yet he wants to look at me. I don't want to try to read things in here that aren't actually there, but maybe it means that sex with me was as good for him as it was for me? And maybe what we had isn't common among other people - maybe he wants to look at pictures of me and remember being in bed with me, with my "perfect twins". I can dream, can't I?

I know that I may be stupid to follow this through, but once again, I don't care. Y just asked me about S the other day and all I had to say was that he had emailed me but that I had waited a while to email him back. She wondered how I felt about him now and I said, honestly at the time, that he was in Ontario and I was here, and that even if he were here I wasn't sure that I would do anything anyway. I had a date - I thought I was moving on! Anyway, she just asked about him so she won't be doing so any time soon, and I may just keep this to myself. Let it be my little secret, the same way that I kept my thoughts about him while I was away all to myself. I didn't blog about it, even though I wanted to. I didn't tell anyone that I had to constantly push him out of my thoughts, almost every day at the beginning, that the thought of him made me cry a few times in my first couple weeks away. No one knew that. It was better that way - I don't like to show weakness and feeling this much for one person makes me feel vulnerable and exposed. I don't want to show that to anyone, so I think that this will remain a secret for now.

I got back from a two month trip last week and I just have to share that I have never masturbated so much in such a short time. Granted, I couldn't do so when away because I was always sharing space with other people, but it's getting ridiculous. Last night for three hours straight!!!

Haven't seen S since the last time I posted, but he's phoned me twice in the past two weeks or so, both times leaving me messages because I haven't been paying attention to my phone. Hockey and everything, ya know?

I've called him back once and left him a message saying that I'm going away in just over a week and it would be awesome to see him before I go, especially since when I get back, he's probably going to be back in Ontario working on a movie, and who knows when we'll see each other again?

I have a theory about him. Putting things together from what he's said and how he's responded to me, I think that he doesn't like it when a girl puts her interest "out there" too much. I think that even though I was trying to be extra careful about that, I still pushed a little too far and caused him to need space. Therefore, he either made up or embellished the reconciliation with his wife to push me away to an emotionally comfortable level. It explains the fact that he called me four days after dropping the bombshell, wanting to chat and be friends. It explains the fact that he called me five days after the bombshell, wanting to hook up. It explains why he now calls me when before he didn't. It explains why his wife cancelled his credit cards just a couple weeks ago. It explains why he is still in Vancouver and not back in Ontario. It explains why his wife is not in Vancouver. And it explains why the topic of his wife is off-limits now, when before he talked about her, and his marriage, and told me things the first night that we met that were pretty confidential.

Yeah. He thought I wouldn't figure him out, but being put at a distance gave me some interesting perspective. And ya know, I'm okay with things as they are. I am way too busy at the moment to want to devote a lot of time or energy to any one person. I don't require a lot of sex because I can get myself off a whole lot better than anyone other than S ever could, so hooking up occasionally for awesome sex is working out just fine. I don't even want to play these days - I've gone into one of my stages where I don't want a lot of physical contact with other people, and I've learned to trust these feelings because I've ended up before in situations where I have allowed physical contact and then felt really ... weird about the whole situation. Almost like it was non-consensual, even though it completely wasn't. Was. That last sentence is not doing well, grammatically. Anyway, don't care - it's 1:30 in the morning and either you'll understand my gist or you'll think bad bad things. Either way is a-okay.

Annnnd it was just as bad as I suspected it would be. T tried to make conversation all night - I resolutely ignored him and didn't make eye contact. I was fucking busy watching hockey for goodness sake! L made stupid comments which made me heave large sighs, which made Y look over at me and giggle to herself because she knew what I was feeling.

Friday night I will be at my brother's house, watching with real fans. Y and M asked me about Sunday's game and I hedged but I already know that I will not be watching any more games at their house. It's just not right to watch any high pressure games and not be with my bro. Olympics, Stanley Cup playoffs, World Juniors - it's always us and whoever wants to join in. The rules are simple. Watch the game. Don't talk unless it's hockey talk. Eating and cooking is done during the intermissions. Most importantly - watch the game.

At least we won. If we had lost after all that (136:06 minutes in total) and I had been forced to spend time with T and L - I would have been severely pissed. As it is, I'm happy and now I am off to bed.

G'night.

So playoffs are starting, and I think that after tomorrow night I will be abandoning M and Y for watching with my brother. Y doesn't really care about the game and she is on her computer all the time. That I could deal with. But L and T have decided that they also want to be part of the hockey ritual and I just can't deal with them. L thinks that she knows what the fuck is going on, so she makes completely inane comments that show her up to be an idiot to anyone who knows anything about the sport. T doesn't even like hockey so I don't know why he comes. He doesn't really want to watch it at all.

Tomorrow I have already made plans to watch at Y and M's and I found out about 10 minutes ago that L and T are coming. It's too late to get out of it now. But Friday I have already made plans with the bro and his friends, and I'll just roll with that from here on out. Because when my team is in the playoffs, I need to be watching with people who understand what's at stake.

Believe in Blue.

I could almost think I imagined last night, if it weren't for the little bit of soreness, and the toys drying beside the sink in the bathroom.

As I was going home from watching the game at Y and M's, I drove past his house and his truck was there! I called him and we chatted briefly. He asked who won the game and I said that we did. "Funny - I didn't know you played," was his response. I said that we clinched a playoff spot with our win tonight and he said, "To celebrate, I think I should fuck you."

"YES! Yes. I think so too! Very enthusiastic yes please!"

He said he would take a bath, then come over to my house. I sped home, had a shower, and cleaned my house (because I like people to think that I live in a spotless house - it's just a thing of mine). Then I sat and twiddled my thumbs for a good while because he was taking his time. He finally got here around 12:15. I got up to kiss him hello and ... yeah. The chemistry. As soon as our lips touched, I felt the tingle in my clit. When he bit down on my lower lip, my legs got weak. He took my hands and placed them firmly on his cock which was already hard. Mmmm.

I broke the kiss and said, "You were mean last night, with those things that you said!"

He said, "What things?" and I - for some bizarre reason - got shy and couldn't say them.

"You know what you said," was my response.

He sat in my La-Z-Boy and was loving it. He said that he was in Starbucks earlier that day and that he was looking at the coffee makers and he wants one. I asked if it was the espresso machine or the drip maker that he wants and he said both because it would be nice to have both when he gets his house. (So what does that mean? He's *not* moving back to Ontario and back into his ex's house???) I mentioned that I get a 30% discount and that they are on sale right now and he did his, "Really ... We might have to do something with that." He asked if I had any wine and I scrounged up a bottle of red - he's a white guy but he enjoyed it. It was Little Penguin Shiraz which is one of my favourite reds. As I was pouring it he was standing at my counter, looking at the coffee that I have sitting on the counter. He asked if I get a discount on the coffee too and I said yes but we also get a pound free every week. He asked what I do with it and I said that I barter it. He said that he wanted some and I said, "It'll cost ya."

"How much?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

"Mmmm... orgasms, I think," I replied.


Then he said, "Lets see your toys." We took our wine into my room and I showed him the hitty toys hanging on the wall, and then we sat on the bed and I showed him all the sex toys I have. I have quite a few! I haven't looked at any of them for quite some time! The one toy that he did want to use was out of batteries but he said the rest of it would do just fine.

I was sitting on the bed, my legs out straight and my hands between my legs. He came and straddled my hips, trapping my hands underneath him. He pushed one spaghetti strap down and pulled out my left breast. Squeezed the nipple hard enough to make me gasp. Repeated the process on the other side. I pulled my hands free and slid them under his shirt, pulling on his nipple ring. Then I slid them down to his pants and undid them and pulled out his cock. I love his cock. Immediately I had to have my mouth on him, so I bent my head and started sucking. He tangled his hand in my hair and held me still as he fucked my mouth.

Then, suddenly, he pulled away and with his hand still in my hair he threw me over onto my stomach. My socks were discarded and my pants were ripped off my body. I could feel that I was dripping wet and he hadn't even touched me yet.

I felt a tapping on my clit and realized that he had grabbed my wooden paddle. I love that paddle but it sure does pack a wallop if someone decides to hit hard with it. He didn't hit that hard - he just really liked the inside of my thighs. He had my legs spread with one knee bent so that he could really get at them. I heard him chuckle when he did the first real stinger and I moaned and flinched - but immediately put myself back into the position. If he felt that I didn't move quickly enough, his hand would come down on the opposite leg, holding me open for the smack. Then there would be some across my ass, then he would hit directly onto my clit. I was moaning and wriggling and oh so wet.

He came around to my head, grabbed my hair and thrust his cock into my mouth. I greedily started sucking. He pulled my tank top off at this point and his shirt too so we were both naked. I was deep throating his cock and he was fucking my mouth when suddenly his hand pulled me off and shoved my face at his balls. I started sucking and licking, turning my head to get at that sweet spot right behind his balls. His fingers found my clit and I was gone. First orgasm of the night but most definitely not the last.

I got my breath back after that orgasm and flipped over so that I was on my back, my head between his legs so that I could really get to his balls and the sweet spot. He started pinching my thighs and ass and nipples, making me moan and squirm and whimper when he got a good spot.

Then - he was done here. Threw me back on my stomach and suddenly I felt the tip of a vibrator rubbing against my clit. The hardness of it felt so good. It didn't at the time but it reminds me now of when he used the bottom edge of his beer bottle on me at his house once and had me cumming all over the place. Then he thrust it into me. I haven't had anything in me since the last time he and I had sex which was weeks ago, so it took a moment to adjust but then it felt fabulous. He was just using the first couple inches and was twisting it around as well as in and out. I was gone. Pushing back on it, whimpering, moaning, cumming.

He got up and rustled around with the sex toys and I knew what was coming next. When he got back on the bed I heard the lube bottle snap open and I was certain. I still had the vibrator in me, still not turned on, and I was quivering because it has been so long since anything of any size larger than a finger has been in my ass. He held my ass cheeks apart and I felt the lube drip down. I was breathing so hard at this point - a little anticipation, a little fear. Then the tip of a plug started pushing it's way in and I relaxed. And I am so glad that I did because it felt so fucking amazing. He was fucking me with the vibrator and the plug and I was writhing around, pushing back and trying to get more. He pulled the vibrator out and I was just left with the plug which was making me feel things in my ass that I hadn't felt since Jason first used a plug on me, all those years ago. I had an orgasm just from the plug.

He was manipulating the plug with one hand while smacking me with the paddle or the slapper with his other hand. I would push back because the plug felt so good and then would get a smart smack of the paddle. It was all just sensation. Then, the vibrator came back and this time he turned it on. It was hitting my g-spot and I was out of control. I was squirming and writhing and started not just moaning but "oh my god!"ing. "Shut up," he growled. I clamped my mouth shut, trying hard not to let any sound escape while having one of the largest orgasms of my life. This cycle continued a few times, each time the orgasm getting stronger. I thought I was going to shake right off the bed! He grabbed my hair and pulled my head back so that I was arched backwards. I was moaning and whimpering and couldn't stop even though I knew I had been told to shut up. His hand came and clamped over my mouth. I put my hand over his to keep him from moving it and I stopped breathing. The sensation was too intense - I was tensing everything, all coiled tension and then - bam! The best orgasm of my life. So intense. Started breathing again, in little gasps.

And then he switched gears. He pushed me flat on the bed and my flogger came gently down across my shoulders and stroked across my back, my ass, my thighs. So nice. Again. One more time. Then - 'smack' with the paddle when the flogger lifted away. I twitched like I had been given an electric shock. I never knew when the paddle was going to fall, or where. He loved the reaction he got from my inner thighs so he focussed there quite a bit.

And then it was his turn. He lay down, propped up on my pillows, and pulled me around by my hair, shoving my mouth onto his cock. I was lying between his legs so I scooted around until I could get a hand between his legs. I sucked my middle finger to get it wet, then stroked his sweet spot and anus. He *loves* that. I rewet my finger and pushed it in a little, stroking his cock with my mouth to the same rhythm as my finger pushing in and out and around. He was moaning, just a little, so I knew I had the right thing going on. I think he might have even said, "Right like that," which is helpful because I haven't ever touched another guy like I touch him.

It didn't take him long. "I'm gonna cum!" and then ... yummy. I almost choked but I got to practise my technique of swallowing while there is still a cock in my mouth. It took four swallows to get it all down. I would do that every day if he let me. I love giving him head.

He was relaxing against the pillows and I was still between his legs, my head resting on his thigh. I somewhat sat up and found a glass of wine and had a sip. Mentioned that my makeup must be all over my face and he replied, "Yep. Your hair is a bit of a mess too." I laughed. It always is after sex with him. I love that he uses my hair to put me in whatever position he wants me in, or to direct my head and mouth to where he wants it.

"Should be good for a pound of coffee ... or four," he said. I giggled and said yes and lay back down. He said, "I can feel your heart beating in my thighs!" I think my heart was still trying to get back to normal after all the orgasmic yumminess. I moved to his side and was stroking his chest. I didn't want to stop touching him.

"That was a booty call," I sighed.

"For you, maybe. For me it was work!" he said.

"I seem to recall you getting some at the end there!" I protested.

We lay there quietly for a couple minutes, then I asked who his roommate was. He said it was some guy that he works with, and I said, "Not the Japanese girl?"

"No. She said she loved me, so she had to go."

"Oh. Did you know her from before?" I asked. He said yeah. I knew she was the sister of the girlfriend of one of his friends but I hadn't realized that he knew her. Anyway, I like the fact that his roommate is a guy. Even if there's no relationship potential here, at least it's not that he's getting fucked all the time at home by some sweet submissive Japanese girl.

"And after all that, you didn't even do what you said you wanted to do, last night," I said.

"What did I say?"

"'I want to lick you'".

"Hmm. That was yesterday." Too bad, because I do love his tongue. Not that I'm complaining! But I do love his tongue.

He said that he had to go soon because he was working at 4. We talked about his work briefly and I asked about when he was going back to Ontario for the movie or show or whatever. He said he didn't know, and shut down the conversation. I wanted to ask about his ex but it wasn't the time - we were naked and enjoying the afterglow of our orgasms together. Not the time to ask about whether he's planning to get back together with his wife or if they have decided to divorce after all. I mean, I'd like to know - but not right then.

He thought my reactions were amusing. "You didn't know what was going on or what you were gonna get!"

I agreed. "It was like 'mm that's good more of that oh ow no that one mm I want that but if I push back for more of it I get the other thing ... can I stand the other thing? yes I think so ow maybe not!'"

We got up and got dressed. I was looking at my thighs as he pulled his pants on and he said, "Yes, you have marks!" I kissed him goodbye and he asked for me to look into the price for the coffee makers. I said I would, and I would phone him and let him know. I watched him go - realized that he had parked in the alley so he must have remembered the way after I got him in the general neighbourhood. He had only been to my house once before but he was driving then too and I know that if I drive somewhere, I tend to remember how to get there again. I had given him directions to park out on the street and hadn't realized that he had come up the alley. It didn't matter though - my housemates wouldn't have been going anywhere at after midnight.

I fell asleep almost the instant the light was turned out. I didn't even think to see if any of the pillows smelled like him and to sleep with that one. He was wearing a little of his cologne which I love: Swiss Army.

So yeah. The sex was fabulous, as always. Due to the coffeemaker, I think we'll be seeing each other again. I felt a little discombobulated when he left because it really was a booty call. He came over, we make some short conversation, then had sex and he left. We haven't ever had sex and not spent the night together, so I think that was part of it.

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I am so busy for the next week and a half that it doesn't matter, but then I will have four weeks or so off before school starts up again for the summer and I head off to Europe. There is no time for a relationship and I don't think he wants one. The tone that he used when he said that the Japanese girl had said that she loved him was the same as the look I got when we were having that "final" conversation and I said that I had fallen for him for the first night we met. I think he thought at the time that I was going to say in love but I said 'infatuated' instead and the look went away.

It is a weight - when someone loves you and you don't or can't love them back. He's not ready for that. I think that the plan of attack should be to keep things light and fun and sex-based for the next month and a bit before I leave for Europe. I'll be gone for 10 weeks and who knows what will happen in that time. He may go back to Ontario, either to work or to reconcile. He may stay in Vancouver. He may get a girlfriend here, or another sex buddy, or whatever.

Who knows? It's not something that I can think about or worry about. It just is what it is and that will be enough.

Unfair tactics? Yeah, I'll say so!

S called me last night but I had my ringer off since I was at the coffee shop doing homework. I saw it about 45 minutes afterwards, so I called him back. He was kinda sleepy but not so sleepy that he couldn't tease the hell out of me and refuse to let me come over. Payback for making him horny at work the other night.

Yeah - I could barely string two words together in a sentence. He was saying things like, "I want to lick you," or "I'm going to make you cum so hard ... " I tried to get him back and I really tried to convince him to let me come over but he was sticking to his guns that tonight wouldn't work. Probably better because I have this presentation to write this morning that I am giving later today, but damn it I wanted the sex.

He said that he might not go to work today, in which case he'll call me. In fact, his words were, "Maybe I won't go to work in the morning and I'll fuck you hard before you go to school." Good thing I had the car stopped at this point because I was in no shape to be working heavy machinery.

He also mentioned that tonight might be better. I said that I am watching the game at Y and M's but I would be done around 10, but he might be working tonight like he's been working every other night since ... forever!

Even though I was so turned on and being left high and dry, I thought that it was pretty cool that he called and did this. It means that he is into the booty call and that he is also into being Mr Funny-Man with me again.

And I know that this is a strange way to be dealing with the situation but I feel good about the fact that I haven't had sex with anyone else. When we hook up eventually, if he asks or says anything about it, I can be honest and say nope, that I wasn't interested in getting it from anyone else except him.

It would have been nice to have been able to sleep a little better last night, but that's okay. Hopefully some rockin' sex is in my near future. *grin*

I managed to extricate myself from the date with the older gentleman with not too much trouble.

Went to Y and M's party and although I had a great time, I wasn't feeling it the way I normally do. For example, although I lost my shirt and bra (Dan just can't stand seeing me wearing clothes *lol*) I ended up putting them back on, even though I was only getting good comments. I just wasn't feeling sexy like that. I mean, I was flirting like a fiend with the world in general (the liquid chocolate is just such a good prop to make people want you) and with D and Lori in particular. D and I have even made a date to make a date to do a little otk. I haven't done otk since ... Jason. Wow. And I know that D can be pretty intense and I don't know if I'm ready to get intense with anyone, let alone a casual encounter.

Y played with our 24 year old Brit who is leaving in May and apparently it was fabulous and she highly recommends that I try him out before he leaves. But - they fucked and I'm not sure that I want to have sex with anyone. It's strange - it's like I'm waiting for S and yet I know that there is no future there.

I finally talked to him, a few days ago. I called him to try to find out when he would not be working (never - seriously, the guy never stops working) and he told me that he is going back to Toronto to work on a show or a movie or something. I don't know if that means that him and his ex are planning a reconciliation. I don't know if he'll ever come back to Vancouver, even though he said that he still wants to make this his home. I don't know if we'll even manage to hook up before he leaves. I did say that at the very least I would like it if he called me to say goodbye when he goes back to Ontario, because I would find it very sad if he just left without saying goodbye.

As long as that's there, though, I'm not interested in anything or anyone else. I just want him so fucking badly.

There's a large part of me that wishes we never met, because then I wouldn't know what I was missing.

I met a man last night, a friend of a friend of a friend. There were a few of us out for dinner and he came to join us for drinks and dessert. He's quite a bit older than me but we were flirting and it was fun to be testing the power of my flirt again. He came outside to keep me company while I had a smoke and he kissed me. It was alright. Nothing terribly exciting but I could probably suck it up for the lifestyle that he was promising me.

He has a boat and has invited me out on it when the weather gets nicer. I joked about wanting diamonds. When I mentioned that I would love to see an opera, he said he would take me.

He got a little too touchy-feely after the kiss - not inappropriately but when we were all sitting in the lounge after dinner he had his hand around my waist, stroking my skin under my sweater. Stuff like that.

I gave him my number and invited him to Y and M's party that happens tonight.

But.

S and I have been talking a wee bit over the last few days. I sent him a text just over a week ago saying, "I know that this is not what we agreed to but ... can I interest you in a booty call?" He called me about an hour later saying he had just seen my text and that yes, he was very interested but unfortunately he was on his way to work. We took a rain check.

This past Thursday it had been a week and he hadn't called (he works like a fiend!) so I sent him a text around 10pm saying, "Your choice. 1. You really have been working a lot. 2. You didn't mean it when you said yes to a booty call. 3. I'm touching myself and thinking about you... which one do YOU want to be true?"

An hour later, give or take, I sent another one that said, "oh! oh god! Ohhhh! Mmmm... you're good. Better in person though. PS. looks like option 3 was the right choice. *grin*"

My phone rang about 10 minutes later but cut out. I called him back but as soon as he answered it cut out. I think they must have been working somewhere with bad reception.

The next day he called me in the afternoon while I was in class, so he left me a message. I snuck out to the bathroom to listen to it and he said, "Hey it's me. Unfair tactics. I was at work all night and I had to think about that. Hmm. I owe you. Ciao."

To which I responded in a text: "Unfair tactics? No! It never occurred to me that I might be making things 'hard' for you... *giggle*"

I was driving home from dropping Y off last night and all I could think about was S. It's not fair to get involved with someone else when my heart is still given elsewhere. I felt really uncomfortable about the whole thing with this new man, so I slept on it and woke up today realizing that when he calls, I am going to have to step up to the plate and tell him that I am sorry but I am not ready to be in an intimate relationship with anyone right now. I thought that I was and I wasn't trying to tease him last night, but I realized when I got home that I was not ready and I'm sorry but I'm going to have to cancel our date for tonight.

It will be awkward and I'll feel like throwing up when it happens, but it's the only ethical way to move forward.

The strangest thing has been happening. I have been starring in my masturbational fantasies for the past couple months. It started with me thinking about sexual escapades with S, then moved into imagining new escapades with S, and now that I refuse to allow myself to think about him for longer than 5 seconds (the length of time to start thinking about him, then realize what I'm doing and resolutely push him out of my brain), I've been imagining me with various other people, known and unknown.

This is different from the past x years where I have always fantasized about other people. It's like in a dream, where you are you, but you are someone else? You know that this isn't actually you but for the duration of the dream, it's you? Yeah, it's like that. I have never been *me* in my fantasies, until just lately.

It's interesting. A little uncomfortable too, because I tend to fantasize about stuff that I would never want to actually happen to me, like rape and other non-consensual activities. Or guy-on-guy stuff which is impossible for me to experience except vicariously. But these days, it's all about me.

I think he's gone.

I phoned him to see if he was attending the dungeon party on Saturday, the one where we originally met. His phone was turned off, which was weird. I left a breezy message, just saying hi and asking about the party. I asked him to call back. He hasn't called back. That is also weird.

And I haven't seen his truck outside his house at all in the past couple of days. Since I called and got silence in return, I got curious so I've driven by a few times. There is no glow coming through the window from his laptop that he always leaves on.

So. I think he's gone. Back. To her.

Which makes sense. I was just saying to Guns two nights ago that he should have gone back already. After all, if I was his wife and we had started having conversations about getting back together, I would be saying "Honey, come home. Please." They can't possibly decide whether they want to be together unless they are together.

Still. If he's gone ...

It's good.

It needs to be done.

But - a little lonely.

I just came back from a weekend away, trying to get my mind away from S.

It worked, for most of the weekend. On the bus on the way back into town I started drowning in memories...

It was hard to push them aside. Hard not to cry. Hard to realize that even though letting him go with a clean conscience was the best thing I could have done, for him and for me, it's not going to be easy to forget him.

He called me on Friday.

I was over at Y and M's, having an absolutely wonderful time with them and L. We were drinking and laughing and I wasn't thinking about S at all. At about 2:30 I was getting my stuff together to leave, checked my phone, and saw I had a message from him that he left around 12:30. I listened to it but he was talking really quietly and I couldn't quite get what he wanted, so I called him back.

He had fallen asleep on his couch and my phone call woke him up. He was a little loopy as people are when they are trying to have a conversation after being asleep. I asked why he called and he said he was just wondering what I was doing. I said that I was leaving Y and M's and he just said, "oh." I asked if he wanted me to come over and he didn't come right out and say it but that's clearly what he wanted. However, I figured if he didn't want to ask, I wasn't going to make it easy for him. Then he asked what time it was and when I said 2:30 he said that he had to get up at 7 to go to work so it would be better if I didn't come over. No problem. We hung up.

I sat on the couch and smoked three cigarettes in quick succession, trying to figure out what the hell this meant. He had been very clear during the conversation on Tuesday when he informed me that he was probably getting back together with his wife that we would not be having sex again until he knew what was going on with her. And now this?

At 3:20 I stood up to leave and realized that he'd called again at 3:10. I phoned him back but pretended that I had just got home. I think that he was holding back in the first conversation because he didn't want Y and M to know what was going on. Maybe feeling a little embarrassed or whatever. Anyway, he asked what I was doing now, and I said that I had just walked in the door at my house. He said, "Oh..." and so I asked him straight out, "Do you want me to come over?" He responded, "That's up to you." I laughed and said, "No, I think at this point it's up to you." He was quiet so I said, "I tell you what. I'll give you options and you tell me yes or no. I could take off my shoes and my jacket, put down my purse, and go to bed. Or, I could get back in my car and come over to your house." All he said was, "Okay." I said, "Go unlock the door. I'll be there soon."

I was giggling about it, feeling hugely entertained and incredibly sexy on my way over. It's not just me who thinks the sex is great! And even though M said that he thought I should be careful, because I'll always be the number 2 girl because of the shit with his wife, and do I really want to be number 2 or would I rather find someone where I can be their number 1, and etc etc I was still feeling on top of the world.

I got there and the door into the house was unlocked, and the door into his suite was ajar a little bit. I walked in and all the lights were off except for his heater which is made to look like a fireplace. He was in bed, so I took my shoes and jacket off and went into his room. It felt like coming home.

I lay down on the bed, on top of the covers and fully dressed, and told him about my night. We giggled a lot. Then he turned to me and asked if I was going to spend the night. I hadn't spent a night with him since the first night he was home from Ontario. I said yes, and he said that I should make myself comfortable. I stood up and took off my clothes, all except my panties.

I lay down again and got under the covers, and he scooted over, saying that I was too far away. I said, "I thought you didn't like to touch me when you're sleeping," and he said, "I'm not sleeping." I was determined that he would make the first moves because I wanted him to not be able to shift blame onto me for whatever was going to happen. I wanted him to know that he wants me just as much as I want him.

So we talked a little bit more, and then he said, "You seem awfully awake." I agreed, and he said, "I have a back you can work on, if you want." He rolled over onto his stomach and I started scratching his back. God, I love touching him. I could do it for hours. I avoided the sweet spots on his bum which was disappointing for me, but again, I wanted the first sexual move to come from him. After about 20 minutes he flipped over onto his back and without either of us saying a word, I continued to touch and stoke and scratch his chest and his thighs but I didn't touch his cock.

That is, until he took my hand and placed it there. That was all I had been waiting for. I started stroking it, and playing with his balls, and getting that sweet spot right behind them. As I was stoking that spot I said, "This is my favourite spot," and he said, "I kinda like it too." It's one of his trigger points.

He wrapped his hand in my hair and pulled my head down, and I proceeded to give him the best blowjob ever. He came in my mouth and it was wonderful. He tastes so good and I just love every bit of it. I lay there with his soft cock in my mouth for ages, not wanting to let go. I think I knew that it would be the last time.

He was a little surprised that he had cum like that, because it's not something that happens easily for him. He said, "That's the first time for us that that's happened." I noticed he used the word 'us'. I told him that wasn't true - the first time we spent the night together, when we woke up I gave him head and he came.

The problem was, he's 38 and that orgasm knocked him out. I said, "Do you think I came over here out of some altruistic reason?" and he responded, "That's way too big a word for 4:30 in the morning!" It made me giggle. I said, "Altruistic is when you do something for someone else and don't expect anything in return." His reply to that was that every other time he has gotten me off multiple times and so maybe this was fair?

I wasn't too upset about it. After all, I was there, with him, in his bed, spending the night, and I had made him feel fantastic. Life was great.

He set the alarm for 9 for me, but at just past 8 his cell rang. He answered and had a five minute conversation and for a minute I thought it was his ex but at the end he said, "I love you too, Mom." Thank god. He lay back down and we cuddled for about 10 minutes but when it was clear that we weren't going back to sleep, he suggested we go get coffee.

We got dressed and headed out to Starbucks in his truck. I bought the coffee because I'm nice like that. Then we decided to grab some breakfast so we found a little hole in the wall Chinese restaurant close to his house that does breakfast for cheap.

We were sitting in the booth and I knew the time had come. I said, "So ... what is ... this?" motioning back and forth with my hand between us.

"I knew you were going to bring this up," he said. "I don't know. But ... you're winning."

That made my heart jump. However, what I said was, "I'm not competing! If you want to be with me, then be with me. But I won't compete for you and then have you go back to Toronto." And her, but that part remained unsaid.

"I just ... don't know what's going on," he said.

"Well, removing me completely from the equation and speaking as your friend, I think that you should think really hard about this. After all, you've moved out here, started a new life, and if you're not 100% sure about her ... I would just think about it."

He replied, "I really don't want to talk about this."

"Okay," I said, and dropped it.

We had breakfast and then drove back to his house. He was heading off to work, better late than never, and I had a stagette to get to. While we were in the truck, he said that he had to drive to Abbotsford to get to the set. I mentioned that I had driven to Chilliwack on Wednesday and he asked why. I said that I like to drive when I'm upset about things and need to figure them out.

He said, "What did you figure out?" I shrugged, and he said, "Well, you're here, aren't you?" I looked at him and nodded. He knew that I had been dealing with the bombshell, and trying to move on, but exactly. I was here. I leaned over and kissed him, and said, "Call me," and jumped out of the truck.

One of the things we did for the stagette was take a pole/lap dancing class. It was great fun, and afterwards I called S and left him a message saying that I had learned some damn sexy moves and if he wanted a private show, he just had to call and ask.

I ended up going with Y,M, L, and T over to another couple's house and playing poker on Saturday night. It was fun and we were out until 4:30 but I found myself checking my phone constantly to see if he'd called. I drove past his house on my way home and his truck was there, but he'd probably been working until late and was exhausted since we'd both not got much sleep that night before.

On Sunday I slept in, lay on the couch and watched reruns of Sex and the City, and then went to Y and M's to watch the hockey game. On my way home, I drove past his house and he wasn't there, so I phoned and left him a message saying that the Canucks had won, not that he cared but I was sharing with him anyway.

I got home and by midnight I was so restless. I got in my car and drove over the bridge to see if he was home. I needed to talk to him. He wasn't there. I went home and barely slept all Sunday night. I woke up at 4:30 to go to work but I needed to know. Was he home? I drove across the bridge again to see, and yes, his truck was there. He was home.

I went to work and to school, and on my way home from school I realized that this had to stop. I was acting like a basketcase, like a stalker. I checked to see if he was home and then called him and said that I needed to stop by and talk to him for a minute because I was confused about something and needed clarification. He said that he was heading out in about 10 minutes but I could stop by if it was quick.

I walked in and he was sitting on the couch and my heart leapt up in my chest. As I was taking off my shoes I asked, "What are you up to tonight?" He said that he was picking someone up from the airport, and I looked up and said, "Oh. Is it ..."

He looked at me and said, "Oh you think I'm picking up my ex! No, no it's my buddy from Calgary is coming to visit." Relief washed through me. Even though I knew what the end result would be from this conversation, I didn't want to have it and then send him off to see her.

I sat down on the couch and looked at him and said, "Okay so the reason I'm here is because last Tuesday when we talked, you didn't leave any room for hope. And then the weekend happened and now I'm confused as to what is going on. And I can't do this - I'm not emotionally able to be your friend with benefits. I haven't made any secret of what it is that I want from you ... But I didn't even call you back for 2 hours on Friday because I didn't know you'd called. I wasn't paying any attention to my phone. Since then, though, I've been attached to my phone, wondering if you're going to call."

He said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have phoned you on Friday. That wasn't fair."

I was weak. I said, "If I know that that is all it can be, then that's fine. The sex is just sooo great - I don't really want to give up the sex. But ..."

He said, "No. You're right. I won't ever call you for that again."

I almost started crying. Hearing that was a knife in my heart. I said, "Don't say ever. Just say until you get this stuff figured out."

We paused and looked at the tv. Then I said, "I don't know if I should say this. Maybe it's not fair... but I'm going to say it anyway. I fell head over heels infatuated with you the first night we met. Like, this much," and I spread my arms out wide, "And it's just been getting better the more I get to know you."

He said softly, "I'm sorry there's a wrench."

I said, "I think you're fantastic. And I just wanted you to know that."

He said simply, "Thank you."

We turned back to the tv for a few minutes. He was watching the Amazing Race and one of the twosomes used to be a couple. It was the All-Star one, so they had apparently been together on the first one but had since broken up. I said, "I can't imagine spending that much time with any of my exes!" I told S about Saturday night and what we had done to T when he got too drunk and passed out, and we giggled about it.

Then he stood up and said, "Well, I have to have a bath before I go, so I don't mean to kick you out but ..."

I stood up and said, "No that's okay," and started putting on my jacket and scarf. I was choking back tears - I really didn't want to cry in front of him. He knew that I was upset and he could tell that I was almost crying but I didn't want to have that indignity.

I put on my shoes and then stood up and looked at him standing there, two feet away from me and yet so much further than that. I took that step and hugged him, and he hugged me back, one of his wonderful hugs where he squeezes me and doesn't let go until I do. I had my head on his shoulder, breathing him in and just ... being. For a moment in time.

I said, "Thank you for being honest," and I stepped back. He was looking at me with those eyes that can see into my soul and I knew that he knew how much I didn't want to walk through that door. I said, "Don't be a stranger," and he said, "I won't."

"Bye," I said and opened the door.

"Drive safe," he said, as he always does when I leave his house.

"Thank you," I said, and I walked away.

***

I went over to Y and M's. I couldn't be alone. I couldn't be at my house. I didn't talk about it that much but I just needed to be with other people.

I know that I made the right decision. It's better that I grieve now rather than later when he decides to go back to Toronto to see what's going on with his ex. I feel that neither of them will really know if they want to be back together until they see each other and spend some time together and I can't be around when that happens. Plus, this gives him a chance to really find out what his feelings are for her, without thinking about me.

Maybe he'll realize that he wants to be with me. I laid all my cards on the table - he's under no illusions as to how I feel about him. That was important to me. I wanted to know that I had given him all the information to make his decision so that I wouldn't have to look back and wonder if he would have chosen me if he had just known ...

If he does come back to me, I would give him another chance in a heartbeat. M thinks that is still allowing myself to be the number 2 choice but I disagree. I think in this situation, he has to go see if there's a future with his ex or he would spend the rest of his life wondering. If he does that and realizes that his happiness doesn't lie with her, then coming to see if he can be happy with me is just exploring his options.

I'm not going to sit around and wait for him. If he chooses to come back into my life, that will be enough time to see what's going on there. That doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to him anymore. I plan to phone him in a week or so and say hi. I do want to be his friend. I want to know what's going on in the situation with his wife. I want to know if he leaves Vancouver and goes back to Toronto. It would break my heart to just realize one day that he was gone, with no goodbye.

But emotionally speaking, I know I made the right decision. I could have hung around, waiting to be at his beck and call, but I did that with Alan for two years and it didn't get me anything except a lot of tears and being alone. I didn't want to replay that, and I'm glad that it only took me three days to realize what I needed to do.

It's funny, because I had originally planned to ask him, when I went by his house for clarification, if there was enough between the two of us to hope for an outcome in my favour. I figured if the answer was yes, I would stick it out and see what happened because walking away from a guy this fucking fantastic is breaking my heart. But when I got there I knew that I needed to say what I actually said. I needed to take care of myself and my emotional needs.

Y and Guns are both proud of me for making this decision and having the conversation.

That didn't make it any easer when I got home last night and didn't want to go to bed, because I knew that when I woke up this morning, it would be over and done with. It's not the same day that the conversation happened. The entire relationship is now in the past, and fuck, is that hard to deal with.

I didn't even go to school today. I took today off to try to get my shit together. I was going to clean my house and catch up on some reading but it's taken me an hour to write this entry and now, I need to have a shower and get out of the house. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm going to do, but I need to not sit around and wallow in my memories of the best guy I have ever met.

Fuck.

S called me today. He left me a message asking me if the Canucks won last night.

I sat in my car listening to it with a stunned look on my face. After all my angst about him phoning me spontaneously and wanting him to become interested in hockey so that we could watch games together, he leaves me this message two days after telling me he's getting back together with his wife?

So I called him back. He answered with, "I heard they won." We had a conversation about hockey and then about his job that he's working right now. He's driving trucks for a tv show and I said that I had assumed he was doing electrical stuff. He replied, "Nope. I am a man of many talents," to which I responded, "Yes, I know." He chuckled.

It was fucked up. It was flirty and completely normal to what one of our conversations were like, before.

When I hung up, I must have had a hilarious expression of "What the fuck? What the fuck!!" Then I remembered that I had said to him, after he dropped the bombshell, that I hoped we could still be friends and he said "I don't see why not." I said, "You don't think it will be giving a false impression?" and he replied, "No, because I'm telling you how it is, right now."

I hadn't been thinking very clearly on the phone and I also didn't really think that he would want to be friends, considering he never really called me or initiated contact. But then here we have proof to the contrary...

When I talked to Guns about it, she asked how I felt and I realized that it doesn't seem to be bothering me. Maybe if I saw him I would have difficulty not jumping his bones - okay, honestly, I will have difficulty with that. Every single time I have spent time with him I have wanted to rip his clothes off his body and have that wonderful fantastic sex.

But clearly, what this phone call today tells me is that he is not rejecting me. If his wife were not in the picture I think he and I would still be doing ... whatever it was that we were doing. We weren't having a relationship but we were doing more than casually sleeping together. Whatever. It doesn't matter what it was; it didn't need a label. My point is that he feels he needs to explore this avenue of reconciliation with his wife and if that is the course of action that he feels will bring him the most happiness then he needs to follow it to its conclusion.

I personally don't think, from what he's told me about why they split in the first place, that they will succeed together. It may take a year or three but the same problems will raise their heads and the fights will start and suddenly they will be thinking, "What were we thinking? Why did we think this would work the second time around???" Unless by then they have a baby, in which case all bets are off in terms of whether they stay together or not...

I'm not planning on hanging around on the off-chance that they split and he wants to get back together with me. I'm planning on leaving the door open for him to call me if he gets to that place but I have a life of my own to live and I'm not waiting for anyone.

Besides. I realized today in the car that he is reconciling with her because he believes that his happiness lies with being with her. I want to be with a man who thinks that about being with me. I don't want to be filler or the girl until something better comes along.

So yeah. I'm not sad. I am disappointed. But I think that there may be a possibility of him and I being friends and it's not like I have so many of those that I would want to shun someone, simply because he wants to see if he can be happy with his wife. I don't feel rejected. I know it has nothing to do with me as a person. Just from the fact that he called me has given me enough closure that if I never saw him again, I would not feel like things that been left unsaid or unknown.

Good enough.

Him and the ex are "probably getting back together."

I was told this on the phone tonight. To give him credit, he did say that he hadn't planned to tell me on the phone. He had wanted to tell me in person.

It's just that I had made a comment that I guess he figured he couldn't let pass, being the nice guy that he is, so he dropped the bombshell on me. It's not like I'm surprised. I'm just disappointed. I knew it was a possibility but I thought it was a remote one ... I didn't think it would happen.

The moral of the story - do not get emotionally attached until divorce papers are signed. I held myself back from truly jumping in with both feet and while I did cry when we hung up the phone (I was mostly composed through the conversation) I talked with two of my girlfriends and realized that the best sex in the world can't make up for a guy who "just isn't that into me."

But damn, it's sad to realize that the best sex of my life is never going to happen again. There's a really good chance that I will never orgasm with another man again because it took me 27 years and more partners than I care to recount here to find one who could do the right things and have the right attitude that would allow me to relax enough to orgasm.

Guns thinks the fact that I found one means I should be hopeful that there are more, but I'm not. I think he was it, and it was a case of really shitty timing and she met him first. I can't even be angry with him because I completely understand where he's coming from and his reasons for acting the way he has. He was honest with me when he could have played me along for awhile.

I could wish that he was an asshole because it might be easier in the short term, but in the long run I'm glad that he does appear to be a stand-up guy.

I just wish ... that things were different. Lots of things. But - they're not. So shut up and deal, because life gives two options. Deal or die. So I'm dealing.

Too little, too late?

On Sunday, I had invited S to go to an opera that UBC is putting on this weekend, and he said he wasn't sure about his work schedule but he would call me. I thought, "Yeah right!"

But then yesterday, he called me around 1:30 while he was at work, and left me a message saying that he's been working all this week and will be working this weekend, and thanks very much for the invitation but he wasn't going to be able to make it. I called him on my break at school to say thanks for letting me know, but it was a very short conversation because he was at work and he had to go. He did answer the phone though ...

So you'd think that I would have been excited by this, because he followed through and called, but beyond a slight surprise when I looked at my call display, I didn't get that feeling of excitement. I think because we are barely hanging out, I have just let go of any feelings regarding the whole enterprise. Yeah, the sex is still the best I've ever had. But I want a relationship with him, and if that's not on the table, I guess I subconsciously decided to back way up and take my emotions out of it.

That's not to say that I'm not still going to call him and try to make plans to hang out. It just means that there is no longer any counting of the days between phone calls because if it goes four or five days without any contact - well, what did I expect?

I'm such a pessimist!

I phoned S today to let him know that I wouldn't be attended an event that we both thought we might end up volunteering at, because I have had a terrible head cold for the past 2 days and spent the majority of that time in bed. I sounded all sniffly in the message because my nose won't stop running. S had said a few days ago that he would most likely be working tonight at another gig but he still wasn't sure, so I thought it would be the polite thing to do to let him know I wouldn't be at the event so that he wouldn't show up and expect to see me.

I don't remember what time this was ... maybe 4:30ish? And he never called me back to see how I am feeling! Now maybe he is at that job, although he would probably be working until 3 this morning so I would imagine that he wouldn't have been there yet ... anyway. I'm sick, I'm being a pessimist, but I'll tell ya - if he doesn't call me tomorrow to see how I am, he's gonna lose major brownie points!!

I've decided to show S just how adorable and lovely I can be.

Yesterday when we were hanging out, we went grocery shopping. Let me just add here that I really enjoy wandering the grocery store with him, because he eats such different food from me and so I stop and look at all sorts of stuff that I never noticed before. The one thing he specifically wanted to get was honey for his tea. We got back to his house (wow - in my head I just wrote that sentence as "We got home...") and realized we didn't get honey.

So what did I do? I stopped at the store this afternoon and bought him some, wrote "Because I'm sweet like that... ~d" on the bottle, and hung it on the doorknob to his house.

I stopped by there on my way to Y and M's. Thankfully the outside door was open so I could knock directly on his door. He was surprised to see me but I explained that I wanted to make sure that he got his present because the lady upstairs seemed a little confused about what I was doing and I thought she might have moved it. He had got it, and he said, "Thank you. That was very thoughtful." Yeah uh huh I know. Aren't I great? *grin*

I kissed him and said that I wasn't staying - I was on my way over to the hockey game. He pretended to be upset at missing it but really he was watching cooking shows and quite content. I blew him a kiss and went on my way.

D came over to Y and M's house because she had some stuff to take of with Y, and one of her first comments to me was, "Well you seem to be falling in love hey?" She reads my public blog which is edited down - this one gets the gory details with no names; that one gets names and very few details. It's just how I deal with my need to write balanced against my desire to stay in touch with my friends. You, dear reader of "naughty", remain anonymous and therefore I can spill all the angst to you. Do you feel special?

I'm not thinking of love at this point. Mostly because I'm afraid that if I start, I won't ever stop. Therefore, the concept of 'love' doesn't exist right now. Showing him how great I am to have around and how damn lovable I am - that's a concept that I'm working.

Questions asked and answered.

He's not sleeping with someone else. When I asked this, he said, "I'm all alone out here."

I replied, "You picked me up."

The eyebrow went up and I got the look. "You picked me up." I giggled. I suppose it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. Although he did invite me back to his house. After I had flirted with him nonstop for about 5 hours. Yeah, we'll call this one a draw.

When I was leaving, I invited him to Y and M's again this week for hockey. He said no, so I ran through the possibilities - them, the cats, the smoke, the hockey. Yep, it's the hockey. He's got no interest. The fact that I got him to watch one was amazing, so I gave myself a point. He downgraded it to half a point. *grin*

I then said that I am not waiting or expecting any kink from him. If it happens, great, but I can get that itch scratched somewhere else, and there's no one else who can do to me what he can do. (He rocked my socks off again tonight in the sex department. Oh. my. god.) We both sort of said together that the door is open if he is in the mood or he wants to participate but I added that there's no pressure.

We started talking about how we're both loners in the fact that we like to spend a lot of time by ourselves, and people tend to get on our nerves if we have to be around them for too long. I asked him if he was still in the selfish place and he looked affronted and denied being selfish. I clarified and said that when I have gone through break-ups, I have gone through a period where I didn't want to consider anyone else but myself, and he agreed that that is where he is. And that's fine, now that I know, and he knows that I know.

Then I said that it would be great if he spontaneously phoned me and asked me to do something. I said that I always phone him and that makes me feel like I'm doing all the chasing and why should I bother ... but then I said, "But I want to bother. So phone me." And he agreed.

So it is what it is, what I figured out that it was, once I cut out my own bullshit and drama and baggage. He is telling it like it is. It's not a relationship exactly - I wouldn't call him my boyfriend (except in my head and I'll deny it to anyone who calls me on it! *lol*) but whatever it is, I feel better about it.

And man. The more we hang out, the more I fall. And the better the sex gets. We did things tonight that I didn't think I would ever do or have done to me. And what's more crazy than that - it was fucking fantastic.

The best part of the night was when I was hugging him goodbye and he said, "Thanks for coming over," and I said, "Thanks for having me. In every sense of the word." He laughed and said that I beat him to it - he was just about to say that.

A booty call gone right. I'm walkin' on sunshine ...

And just when things were good ... he went stupid again!

I called S today to see if he wanted to come over and have dinner with me and hang out. He sounded really happy to hear from me when he answered the phone, but he had a lot of stuff to do today and he wasn't sure. He said he'd call. I said, "Do you promise you'll call? Because sometimes you say you'll call and then you don't..." so he said he would call if he was coming over. Basically I took that to mean that he wasn't going to come over.

Around 4:30 I called him and left a message, asking if he knew whether he would be coming or not, because it would change my plans for the evening. I asked if he could just call and let me know either way. I gave him an hour and a half to call back, and then I went and watched the game at Y and M's house.

He never called.

I just don't get it. He sounds psyched to hear from me; he even called me the other night and asked me to hang out. But then, he can't be bothered to call me back when I'm telling him that I want to make other plans if he's too fucking busy to hang out with me? He's either oblivious, selfish, or stupid, and none of them are terribly attractive.

One step forward, two steps back.

Y and I played last night. It was great, as always. She was sweating more than me by the end, and she says that today her hands are bruised from punching my ass. I do love me the ass punching. On my end - I was expecting to see some bruises today but there was nothing there. I can feel that the muscle underneath is bruised and it's been a bit stingy sometimes today, but nothing I can take a picture of to show Y her good work.

S didn't come over. I had sent him a text saying that the offer was still open if he wanted to come, but didn't expect an answer.

M made me feel loved after Y and I came upstairs from the dungeon. There were a few people over and everyone was sitting around the living room, doing coke and chatting. (Just for the record, I don't do the coke myself. The idea of snorting something up my nose makes me cringe in disgust.) M leaned over and said to me that he really likes me, he really likes hanging out with me, that I'm always welcome in their house, and that if I ever need to talk and Y's not around, I'm always welcome to come over and talk to him. So sweet. I gave him a big hug and kiss and told him he could have one of my "wank fodder" certificates. The idea is that if you are so blessed with such a certificate, you can position me any way you choose and then you can wank yourself off while looking at me and my goodies. He is *so* excited by the thought. It's cute.

I got home around 2:30, slept until 11, then dragged my ass out of bed and sat around for an hour or so, trying to figure out what to do about the dojo. Thankfully, I was able to see past my emotional idiot-ness and do what was best for me and know that I was doing it for my own benefit and not to prove a point about anything.

Since then I've read the book I needed to have read for Tuesday, leaving me with the reading I need to get done for Monday still unread but hey, that's why there's another day to the weekend. I watched "The Breakup" which was not very good and full of a lot of yelling that made me feel vaguely uncomfortable. Thankfully I had also rented the first 2 dvds of season 4 from Sex and the City, so I watched a couple episodes.

Now I'm hanging out in my chair and thinking about heading to bed. Well actually I've been thinking about it for the past hour and a half, so perhaps it's time to turn the computer off and actually do it.

Good night.

I called S tonight after class. We chatted for 20 minutes while I drove home. He's still sick and didn't go to work today, and he has a cough so he's not gonna come over to Y and M's tomorrow. He did thank me for the invitation to watch me get spanked. I had to ask him "Are you being sarcastic?" because it sounded like it with the cold but he wasn't. He likes to watch and I think by me inviting him to do so made him realize that I'm not stressing out about him and I not playing. Clearly, I'm getting that itch scratched by someone else, and I'm cool with him being a part of it or not.

We hung up and I felt really great about the conversation. He said if his throat started to feel better he would call me, and I thought, "Yeah, right."

But then, about 20 minutes after I got home, my cell started ringing that special ring that only he can produce. I went rushing for the phone, missed the call and called him back. I was trying to wait for him to leave a message but I couldn't. He said, "I don't know what you're doing tonight but I'm going to watch a movie and you're welcome to come over and watch with me." My response: "That would be lovely."

I picked up "Little Miss Sunshine" which we both enjoyed and giggled over. I recommend. When the movie ended, we watched the last 20 minutes of Iron Chef America, and during the commercial I leaned over and smooch-kissed him. I said, "Sorry. I just have to do it," and then I did it again. I don't want what he has but I couldn't just hang out there all evening and not touch him! That's asking too much.

After Iron Chef he said he was going to bed and I am exhausted so I put on my shoes and then hugged him goodbye. It was a really good hug - neither of us let go quickly and I got to nuzzle in his neck a little bit.

And we flirted. And the sexual chemistry is back.

And really, it was just a perfect evening. Which HE initiated.

New plan is working just fine. It will be what it will be, and I will be happy with it.

And I am.

I made it through tonight without calling S. I thought about it on my way home from the dojo but I was feeling irritable and grouchy and decided I would eat first before doing anything. After I ate, I no longer had the desire. I will call him tomorrow as I originally planned.

I am off to bed because I am exhausted, and tomorrow is another day of getting up at 7:30 and studying for the majority of the day. At least I have coffee filters so I don't have to go out to get caffeinated. I've never bought filters before and I think I may have bought ones that were too big but better too big than too small. I can always get the scissors out and chop 'em down to size.

Good night!!

I hate the way that when everything seems to be going along okay, something has to fall down and break.

Right now it's the dojo. And my relationship with Sensei.

Fuck.

I cannot believe the selfishness of my mother.

I just called to confirm something with her, and she said that she missed me this morning, because I spent the last four nights over there when my dad was away. I thought she was being sweet - nope. She was complaining (shocking!!) because she had to deal with the dog this morning. He wakes up between 5 and 7:30 every morning and he needs to go out. Every other morning in creation, my dad deals with him. When I stay over, I deal with him. She had to deal with him this morning and she's pissed at my dad because she had to get up early. One morning out of ... hundreds.

I wonder - can't she see how selfish that view is? She even admitted that Dad needed a good night's sleep last night after being away for four days and having to get to work early today, and yet it's still not acceptable that she had to get up to let the dog out.

I just don't understand.

I called him on Saturday to see how he was feeling. He still felt like shit, although he was outside getting some fresh air after being inside for a few days.

I said I'd call him in a few days to see how he's feeling.

I still haven't called. I was busy last night, spending some much needed alone time tonight, I have martial arts tomorrow night, I don't get out of class until 6:30 on Thursday in which case he'll probably already have made plans ... which takes us to Friday. I'm going to call him on Thursday to invite him to Y and M's house on Friday for hockey, dinner, and the possibility of watching Y beat on my ass (yay!). If he comes, great. If not, I'll still be spending time with people I love, watching my team who I love, and getting my ass spanked which, you guessed it, I love. No down side to that night!

Saturday I want to go to WET! which is a womens only play party here in Vancouver that I have not yet ventured out to, but I have heard good things about. I'll let y'all know the inside scoop on Sunday.

Sunday I'll need to read and read and read and read and then read some more for school. Oh, and plan my presentation and work out a paper outline, and write a journal entry, and then read some more. I think I'll just hit up the school library and not leave all day.

And then it will be Monday and a whole new week of school fun will start.

So really, Friday night is the only night possible that S and I could hang out. And man, does that make me happy. I'm so glad that my life finally got busy enough that I don't have to hang around being all stupid and emotional. After all, if he's not emotionally invested (and it really doesn't appear that he is, since he hasn't called or emailed me!) then why should I waste the time or the energy or the fabulousness that is me?

I do still wish that it were different. But if wishes were horses then beggars would ride.

New plan still working out well. No stress. No wondering what the fuck. I'm sleeping!!

I sent him an email today, just saying that I was thinking about him and hoping he was feeling better.

I have plans for tomorrow night, and Saturday night, and Sunday during the day, and most likely Sunday night as well, so even if I were to hear from him, I wouldn't be able to hang out. Thank goodness for school starting up and life getting busy again.

Still, it would be nice to have sex again soon. It's been two weeks, and that is one and a half weeks too long, in my humble opinion.

But I think I may possibly have learned patience, somewhere along the line.

And best of all, I talked to R tonight on the phone and told him the new plan and how I felt about everything and his words: "You're gonna be all right, kiddo." That is such a long way from how I was when we met and I was fucked up and a total basketcase. In fact, he often wondered to me how I managed to get along because I was so incredibly stupid. *lol* Sounds really harsh but actually wasn't. Besides, when I look back, 'they call that retrospect', I was stupid. I really have come a long way in my personal growth, and I can attribute a lot of that to R's teachings. I don't remember if I wrote this in an earlier entry, but R said to me the other night, "If S and I ever meet, he should thank you." And honestly, it's true. I am going to be able to deal with this 'relationship' or whatever it is solely because of my ability to look at my experiences and my emotions in the way that R taught me.

I don't think that S and R will ever meet. I wouldn't really want them to. R is like my dirty little secret (and I'm his) that no one knows about, so it's not like I would plan for them to meet. But on my own behalf, R, I say thank you for taking the time to sort out a stupid, over-emotional idiot and teaching her how to be a rational adult in relationships. It still takes me awhile to get there (as evidenced by the past two months of entries here) but I get there eventually. And two months is a hell of a lot better than two years. *grin*

The new plan is great.

I phoned S yesterday because the bridge traffic was horrific, yet again. He was home sick so I offered to go pick him up anything he needed from the store. He told me that he's actually an independent sick person, which used to drive his wife crazy because he would pamper her if she was sick but if he got sick he would basically tell her to leave the house and stop driving him crazy. (I took this as him telling me not to be offended that he didn't want me to do anything for him - that it wasn't anything personal towards me).

I said, "I hope I'm not driving you crazy with all these phone calls but it's just whenever I call, you're always already busy and I really want us to hang out so I keep phoning... but I hope that you don't look at your phone and think 'Fuck, she's calling me again!'"

His response: "I always answer my phone when you call, don't I?"

And that is all the reassurance I needed to hear. I don't feel like I need to probe it for anything else. It will be what it will be, and if it grows into a relationship, that would be awesome. If it doesn't - if the only thing we ever are to each other is fuck buddies - then I will enjoy every minute of it.

He did say something about how he's been in a selfish place for the past while (not his exact words but I don't remember what those were) which I also took to be a good sign. In my experience, truly selfish people don't recognize that they are selfish because they are incapable of looking at their own behaviour from an outsider's point of view. It is only people who are usually not selfish that can recognize that they have been behaving as such. I know that when I have gone through breakups I have had selfish periods and maybe this is what this is for him.

Yes, the hope is still there. I can't help it. But just because in my perfect world we do end up in a relationship, that doesn't mean that I can't be happy with what it is. I have been so less stressed since two days ago when I decided to stop the bullshit. I can sleep. I can think about him without wanting to cry. It's good.

It's funny, because it is that I have let go of expectations, but instead of being on his terms, I have let them go on mine, and that has made all the difference.

I talked to Guns tonight and I said that I hate playing games. It's not me. It makes me anxious and irritable and unhappy. If he's leaving Vancouver I think I would be more upset that I didn't just spend whatever time I could with him, regardless of whether it's initiated by me or not.

I'm going to take him at his word that he will be blunt and tell me if I am pissing him off or he wants me to fuck off. Since that hasn't happened, I am going to assume it's all good.

So I called him. Again, he was busy with his Japanese buddy but again, he answered the phone. When I got all flustered that he was busy he said it was okay and he could talk for a minute. I told him I was getting frustrated over here and he said, "Oh yeah? What kind of frustration?" and I replied, "Sexual..." He laughed and tried to convince me that I was on speakerphone, to which I replied that I walk around parties wearing only panties. It's kinda late for me to act shy!

Anyway, I said that it would be great for us to hook up and he said he would call me later. I said, "Later tonight or later this week?" and his response was, "Um ... yes." That's turning into a joke between us - every time I give him an option he just says yes. I asked if he actually thought he was going to call me tonight because if not I was probably going to go to bed early (yeah right - it's almost midnight - oops) and he said probably not because he does have to work tomorrow.

So. The new plan. Tomorrow is going to be a very long, busy day, unless it actually does snow 10-15 cm which is what the Weather Network is predicting, in which case it will be long, boring day. Wednesday I have martial arts in the evening. I have figured out that I need to call him earlier in the evening before anyone else has had a chance to make plans with him. So, Thursday when I am done school, around 5ish, I am going to call him and see what he's doing and hopefully, hopefully, hang out, have some dinner, and have sex.

The new plan means taking what I can and not being all emotional about what I can't. If this is meant to only be a casual thing then I will have as much fun with it as I can before I have to say goodbye. If it turns into something serious then it will do that in its own way, on its own time.

I am reminded so much of my relationship with G, and how eventually it came into being a silently acknowledged thing between the two of us that there was a "thing". Never his girlfriend but definitely his woman. And the end result of that relationship was him telling me he loved me ... and me walking away because I was so tired from the battle to get there. But if I could get him, I can get S.

And if the only way I can have him is like this, then I'm taking it. After I talked to him I felt more settled and less jumpy. As much as I wanted to know how long it would take him, I just can't wait to see. I figure I will just ask him if he'll let me know if I'm pissing him off or being too pushy. I'll let him know that so long as he doesn't say anything I will assume that my behaviour doesn't cross any of his self-protection boundaries but that if he does start to feel hounded or pressured that he should please just tell me because guess what - I can't figure him out! In fact, I think I can use that to start the conversation off ... I'll say something like, "Hey, you know how you said that I would never figure you out? Well, you're right. So can you help me out with something?" He hasn't had a problem with me asking any questions so far, so I'll just come right out and ask him what's up.

In the past 60 hours I have had approximately 8 hours of sleep so I think it's time to go to bed. And now that I'm not trying to be someone I'm not but rather just accepting myself for how I am and accepting the world for what's in it, I think I will finally be able to fall asleep.

And so it comes down to this:

I know what I am worth, and I will not settle for less.

No phone call.

I spent the evening watching "Bandits" which I thoroughly enjoyed, and then I had planned to watch the Simpsons, Family Guy, and whatever the funny show is that is after that, then go to bed, because I knew that I wouldn't get a phone call. However, Fox and Global had different plans and they were showing the premiere of 24, which I don't watch. There was nothing else on tv that I was remotely interested in watching so I decided to go for a drive.

I ended up phoning Y and going over there on the pretext that I wanted a smoking buddy. Well, true, but I also wanted someone to talk to - about anything - that would keep me from looking at the time and my silent phone.

It's midnight and I just got home. I have to get up early for work, and then head straight to school afterwards, and I don't feel like I'm going to be able to sleep, but I'm going to go try.

I feel disappointed that my expectation of no phone call was met. Even though I knew that it wouldn't happen, there was a piece of me that was hoping he would prove me wrong. Y asked me tonight if all this is worth it and I'm not yet at the point where I say no, but I guess depending on how long it goes before he makes contact, I may change my mind.

There are just too many unanswered questions that I cannot ask. If he is who he says he is and the reason he's being like this is because of his memory and because he is just getting out of the divorce, then I could see a future if I'm patient. But as R was quick to remind me, "Don't trust anyone." It could all be a lie. He could have just been looking for a quick piece of ass and now isn't interested. He may be somewhat interested but not in anything serious. He might just not be that into me. And all I want to know is: Am I wasting my time? I can be patient if that's what is required but I don't want to hang on if there is no chance. I don't want a repeat of the A situation where, in R's words, I was banging my head against a wall that was never going to come down. If I'm wasting my time then I can walk away or try to be content with simply having a booty call with the best sex I've ever experienced. But if there is a chance that this could develop ...

*sigh* I feel determined this time about not phoning him. I really want to see how long it takes him to initiate contact. He's said that he's a blunt guy who says what he means and I would think that if he wanted me to fuck off he would have just said so, but I also want to know just how long it takes before he thinks of me, independent of any cues from me to do so. I just really hope that it doesn't drag out for ages.

Fuck! I just want to fucking know! Arghhh!!!!!!

I said to Guns as we were driving back to her place today after coffee: "Ten bucks says he doesn't call." She didn't say anything, which made me laugh and say, "Well, since you agree with me, that's not a bet you should take!"

But seriously - I don't think he's going to call. And surprisingly, I feel okay about it. Strange, I know. Maybe resigned?

I asked Guns, "Why can't it just be simple? Why does it always have to be so fucking difficult?"

Neither of us have an answer to that question, although she did point out that if it was easy, we would probably be married by now. That made both of us laugh since neither one of us has ever been in a relationship that we wanted to move in that direction.

Until now, anyway. Dammit.

And men say that women are complicated? I don't bloody think so!

Y called me last night around 4:30 in response to the emo text I sent her before S called. She was checking in to see if I was all right. I told her the whole situation and her advice - don't phone him. Make him put in the effort to see me. Don't remind him about the movie tonight or send him a text or anything. After all, weren't our mothers right when they said that men won't buy the cow if they can get the milk for free? She also counseled me not to bring it up. Not to bother "having the conversation". I agree if he is planning on moving to the Northwest Territory for awhile because clearly there will be no relationship while he's gone. Yeah, I'd like to keep in touch, but that's about it. But if he stays in Vancouver, there will have to be some kind of conversation because I don't want to feel like I am an afterthought or no thought in his mind. There's no point to that.

I felt a lot better after talking to Y, even though she didn't say anything that I hadn't already thought to myself. But as she said, sometimes it's nice to throw things at a sounding board and see how they come back.

I just wish I had managed to get to sleep before 5am. It wouldn't matter so much except that I have to work tomorrow at 5:30am and so I hope I can sleep tonight. This whole no exercise thing because of my ankle is fucking with my sleep situation. I want to get in to my chiropractor on Wednesday and see what he thinks. The damn thing is still slightly swollen although the bruising has almost disappeared. But it starts to ache if I have to stand on it for long lengths of time, and I start to limp a little if I walk on it for anything longer than about 2 minutes. So frustrating because today is one of my favourite kind of days - sunny and clear but cold - and I would love to go walking with a coffee but alas, not for me.

I just lost a long entry. I don't know what happened - I hit the shift key and it disappeared.

I've already got most of my catharsis out from writing it, but here's the basics:

I called S at 12:15 to see what he was going to do. He said that he was really drunk, and that he would probably crash at his buddy's house. I offered to come pick him up and he said that he would phone me when they got outside. I asked if he would remember and he said yes.

45 minutes went by and nothing, so I phone him again at 1 and left a light, non-accusatory message on his voice mail, saying that I was still open to coming and picking him up, and that maybe we could have some sexy action in the morning since if he was that drunk he probably just wanted to pass out tonight. I asked him to call me back and let me know.

I should have left it there. I realize that. But 15 minutes went by and still nothing, and I was wondering if I should just go to bed. I should have gone to bed. Instead, I phoned again. It rang twice, then connected and there was a bunch of beeping that sounded like numbers being pushed. I said hello a couple times, then I heard S say, "She won't stop calling me!" and his buddy said something about the phone, and then it disconnected.

That was an hour ago. Of course I have not heard anything from him. In the past hour I have come to realize that his behaviour is incredibly selfish. The whole "no plans, no expectations" thing is selfish. Saying he'll call and then not calling is selfish because it leaves me hanging and not knowing what is going on. Take the day before he left for Ontario. Totally selfish - left me hanging all day and the whole evening when he went to the hospital. He could have called me and let me know but it didn't cross his mind. Why would it, if he is an inherently selfish person? And he must be, because even if he's going through a selfish phase after splitting with his wife (as I have done in the past where the only needs I want to consider for the time being are my own) he should still have the common courtesy to let me know what the fuck is going on, instead of just leaving it up in the air for me to figure out.

Wow. I'm way more pissed writing it this time. It's like I've had more time to mull it over and see that his behaviour is the one that is crossing the line, not mine. Sure, maybe I shouldn't have called that last time. But if he had the common courtesy to tell me that he's staying at his buddy's house then I wouldn't have felt the need to continue to ask the question!

So. Tomorrow I plan to drive by his house and if his truck is there, call him and ask if I can stop by for a moment. And then I want to ask him if he wants to take this opportunity to tell me to fuck off. He says that he's blunt and he says what he means - then lets do that. I hope that he doesn't want me to just go away, and I also hope that he can appreciate my point of view that I'm feeling like he has absolutely no interest because he never initiates anything. But I think that tomorrow will be the end of it because even the greatest sex of my life cannot make up for a person not really being interested in me. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him, and I'm not getting that feeling at all.

I feel sad. I really thought that he was different. I thought this would be something. And maybe it could have been, given different timing. Maybe it's possible to find someone who ...

Update: it's 2:22 and he just called. How crazy! He said that he's at his buddy's house and he can't move and he can't drive so he's crashing there. I said that that sounded like a good plan and that I appreciated that he had called me back. He said that he figured I would still be awake so he thought he would call and let me know. Wow. Unexpected! I said that I had wanted to hang out but clearly tonight was not the night, and that if he's in the state that it seems, he wouldn't be able to do the things that I want for him to do. He laughed and said no. I asked if he got my email about 007 and he said no and asked what it said. I told him I had wanted to put the bug in his ear about going to see 007 on Sunday and he said, "That sounds great." I asked if he gets hangovers and he said no. Then he said that it wasn't the beer that was making him this way, it was the last joint they were going to smoke. I giggled and asked if I should phone him tomorrow. He said no, that he has to help a buddy in the afternoon but he would phone me afterwards. I said okay, told him to sleep well, and that I would talk to him tomorrow.

So now I'm confused. That conversation was just like all the others - giggly, a little flirty - not a conversation that you have with someone that you don't want to call you anymore. I think I still need to have a conversation with him about why I feel the need to call multiple times, and that he either has to give me some reassurance in the form of not forgetting about me a few times, or realize that I like to know what's going on.

I think tomorrow I will send him a text: "just in case you were too stoned to remember the possibility of 007 with me tonight ... call me when you're done helping your buddy out. :)"

I'm glad I didn't smoke a gazillion cigarettes the past hour and I'm really glad that he called. What a fucking rollercoaster.