I've decided to show S just how adorable and lovely I can be.

Yesterday when we were hanging out, we went grocery shopping. Let me just add here that I really enjoy wandering the grocery store with him, because he eats such different food from me and so I stop and look at all sorts of stuff that I never noticed before. The one thing he specifically wanted to get was honey for his tea. We got back to his house (wow - in my head I just wrote that sentence as "We got home...") and realized we didn't get honey.

So what did I do? I stopped at the store this afternoon and bought him some, wrote "Because I'm sweet like that... ~d" on the bottle, and hung it on the doorknob to his house.

I stopped by there on my way to Y and M's. Thankfully the outside door was open so I could knock directly on his door. He was surprised to see me but I explained that I wanted to make sure that he got his present because the lady upstairs seemed a little confused about what I was doing and I thought she might have moved it. He had got it, and he said, "Thank you. That was very thoughtful." Yeah uh huh I know. Aren't I great? *grin*

I kissed him and said that I wasn't staying - I was on my way over to the hockey game. He pretended to be upset at missing it but really he was watching cooking shows and quite content. I blew him a kiss and went on my way.

D came over to Y and M's house because she had some stuff to take of with Y, and one of her first comments to me was, "Well you seem to be falling in love hey?" She reads my public blog which is edited down - this one gets the gory details with no names; that one gets names and very few details. It's just how I deal with my need to write balanced against my desire to stay in touch with my friends. You, dear reader of "naughty", remain anonymous and therefore I can spill all the angst to you. Do you feel special?

I'm not thinking of love at this point. Mostly because I'm afraid that if I start, I won't ever stop. Therefore, the concept of 'love' doesn't exist right now. Showing him how great I am to have around and how damn lovable I am - that's a concept that I'm working.

Questions asked and answered.

He's not sleeping with someone else. When I asked this, he said, "I'm all alone out here."

I replied, "You picked me up."

The eyebrow went up and I got the look. "You picked me up." I giggled. I suppose it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. Although he did invite me back to his house. After I had flirted with him nonstop for about 5 hours. Yeah, we'll call this one a draw.

When I was leaving, I invited him to Y and M's again this week for hockey. He said no, so I ran through the possibilities - them, the cats, the smoke, the hockey. Yep, it's the hockey. He's got no interest. The fact that I got him to watch one was amazing, so I gave myself a point. He downgraded it to half a point. *grin*

I then said that I am not waiting or expecting any kink from him. If it happens, great, but I can get that itch scratched somewhere else, and there's no one else who can do to me what he can do. (He rocked my socks off again tonight in the sex department. Oh. my. god.) We both sort of said together that the door is open if he is in the mood or he wants to participate but I added that there's no pressure.

We started talking about how we're both loners in the fact that we like to spend a lot of time by ourselves, and people tend to get on our nerves if we have to be around them for too long. I asked him if he was still in the selfish place and he looked affronted and denied being selfish. I clarified and said that when I have gone through break-ups, I have gone through a period where I didn't want to consider anyone else but myself, and he agreed that that is where he is. And that's fine, now that I know, and he knows that I know.

Then I said that it would be great if he spontaneously phoned me and asked me to do something. I said that I always phone him and that makes me feel like I'm doing all the chasing and why should I bother ... but then I said, "But I want to bother. So phone me." And he agreed.

So it is what it is, what I figured out that it was, once I cut out my own bullshit and drama and baggage. He is telling it like it is. It's not a relationship exactly - I wouldn't call him my boyfriend (except in my head and I'll deny it to anyone who calls me on it! *lol*) but whatever it is, I feel better about it.

And man. The more we hang out, the more I fall. And the better the sex gets. We did things tonight that I didn't think I would ever do or have done to me. And what's more crazy than that - it was fucking fantastic.

The best part of the night was when I was hugging him goodbye and he said, "Thanks for coming over," and I said, "Thanks for having me. In every sense of the word." He laughed and said that I beat him to it - he was just about to say that.

A booty call gone right. I'm walkin' on sunshine ...

And just when things were good ... he went stupid again!

I called S today to see if he wanted to come over and have dinner with me and hang out. He sounded really happy to hear from me when he answered the phone, but he had a lot of stuff to do today and he wasn't sure. He said he'd call. I said, "Do you promise you'll call? Because sometimes you say you'll call and then you don't..." so he said he would call if he was coming over. Basically I took that to mean that he wasn't going to come over.

Around 4:30 I called him and left a message, asking if he knew whether he would be coming or not, because it would change my plans for the evening. I asked if he could just call and let me know either way. I gave him an hour and a half to call back, and then I went and watched the game at Y and M's house.

He never called.

I just don't get it. He sounds psyched to hear from me; he even called me the other night and asked me to hang out. But then, he can't be bothered to call me back when I'm telling him that I want to make other plans if he's too fucking busy to hang out with me? He's either oblivious, selfish, or stupid, and none of them are terribly attractive.

One step forward, two steps back.

Y and I played last night. It was great, as always. She was sweating more than me by the end, and she says that today her hands are bruised from punching my ass. I do love me the ass punching. On my end - I was expecting to see some bruises today but there was nothing there. I can feel that the muscle underneath is bruised and it's been a bit stingy sometimes today, but nothing I can take a picture of to show Y her good work.

S didn't come over. I had sent him a text saying that the offer was still open if he wanted to come, but didn't expect an answer.

M made me feel loved after Y and I came upstairs from the dungeon. There were a few people over and everyone was sitting around the living room, doing coke and chatting. (Just for the record, I don't do the coke myself. The idea of snorting something up my nose makes me cringe in disgust.) M leaned over and said to me that he really likes me, he really likes hanging out with me, that I'm always welcome in their house, and that if I ever need to talk and Y's not around, I'm always welcome to come over and talk to him. So sweet. I gave him a big hug and kiss and told him he could have one of my "wank fodder" certificates. The idea is that if you are so blessed with such a certificate, you can position me any way you choose and then you can wank yourself off while looking at me and my goodies. He is *so* excited by the thought. It's cute.

I got home around 2:30, slept until 11, then dragged my ass out of bed and sat around for an hour or so, trying to figure out what to do about the dojo. Thankfully, I was able to see past my emotional idiot-ness and do what was best for me and know that I was doing it for my own benefit and not to prove a point about anything.

Since then I've read the book I needed to have read for Tuesday, leaving me with the reading I need to get done for Monday still unread but hey, that's why there's another day to the weekend. I watched "The Breakup" which was not very good and full of a lot of yelling that made me feel vaguely uncomfortable. Thankfully I had also rented the first 2 dvds of season 4 from Sex and the City, so I watched a couple episodes.

Now I'm hanging out in my chair and thinking about heading to bed. Well actually I've been thinking about it for the past hour and a half, so perhaps it's time to turn the computer off and actually do it.

Good night.

I called S tonight after class. We chatted for 20 minutes while I drove home. He's still sick and didn't go to work today, and he has a cough so he's not gonna come over to Y and M's tomorrow. He did thank me for the invitation to watch me get spanked. I had to ask him "Are you being sarcastic?" because it sounded like it with the cold but he wasn't. He likes to watch and I think by me inviting him to do so made him realize that I'm not stressing out about him and I not playing. Clearly, I'm getting that itch scratched by someone else, and I'm cool with him being a part of it or not.

We hung up and I felt really great about the conversation. He said if his throat started to feel better he would call me, and I thought, "Yeah, right."

But then, about 20 minutes after I got home, my cell started ringing that special ring that only he can produce. I went rushing for the phone, missed the call and called him back. I was trying to wait for him to leave a message but I couldn't. He said, "I don't know what you're doing tonight but I'm going to watch a movie and you're welcome to come over and watch with me." My response: "That would be lovely."

I picked up "Little Miss Sunshine" which we both enjoyed and giggled over. I recommend. When the movie ended, we watched the last 20 minutes of Iron Chef America, and during the commercial I leaned over and smooch-kissed him. I said, "Sorry. I just have to do it," and then I did it again. I don't want what he has but I couldn't just hang out there all evening and not touch him! That's asking too much.

After Iron Chef he said he was going to bed and I am exhausted so I put on my shoes and then hugged him goodbye. It was a really good hug - neither of us let go quickly and I got to nuzzle in his neck a little bit.

And we flirted. And the sexual chemistry is back.

And really, it was just a perfect evening. Which HE initiated.

New plan is working just fine. It will be what it will be, and I will be happy with it.

And I am.

I made it through tonight without calling S. I thought about it on my way home from the dojo but I was feeling irritable and grouchy and decided I would eat first before doing anything. After I ate, I no longer had the desire. I will call him tomorrow as I originally planned.

I am off to bed because I am exhausted, and tomorrow is another day of getting up at 7:30 and studying for the majority of the day. At least I have coffee filters so I don't have to go out to get caffeinated. I've never bought filters before and I think I may have bought ones that were too big but better too big than too small. I can always get the scissors out and chop 'em down to size.

Good night!!

I hate the way that when everything seems to be going along okay, something has to fall down and break.

Right now it's the dojo. And my relationship with Sensei.

Fuck.

I cannot believe the selfishness of my mother.

I just called to confirm something with her, and she said that she missed me this morning, because I spent the last four nights over there when my dad was away. I thought she was being sweet - nope. She was complaining (shocking!!) because she had to deal with the dog this morning. He wakes up between 5 and 7:30 every morning and he needs to go out. Every other morning in creation, my dad deals with him. When I stay over, I deal with him. She had to deal with him this morning and she's pissed at my dad because she had to get up early. One morning out of ... hundreds.

I wonder - can't she see how selfish that view is? She even admitted that Dad needed a good night's sleep last night after being away for four days and having to get to work early today, and yet it's still not acceptable that she had to get up to let the dog out.

I just don't understand.

I called him on Saturday to see how he was feeling. He still felt like shit, although he was outside getting some fresh air after being inside for a few days.

I said I'd call him in a few days to see how he's feeling.

I still haven't called. I was busy last night, spending some much needed alone time tonight, I have martial arts tomorrow night, I don't get out of class until 6:30 on Thursday in which case he'll probably already have made plans ... which takes us to Friday. I'm going to call him on Thursday to invite him to Y and M's house on Friday for hockey, dinner, and the possibility of watching Y beat on my ass (yay!). If he comes, great. If not, I'll still be spending time with people I love, watching my team who I love, and getting my ass spanked which, you guessed it, I love. No down side to that night!

Saturday I want to go to WET! which is a womens only play party here in Vancouver that I have not yet ventured out to, but I have heard good things about. I'll let y'all know the inside scoop on Sunday.

Sunday I'll need to read and read and read and read and then read some more for school. Oh, and plan my presentation and work out a paper outline, and write a journal entry, and then read some more. I think I'll just hit up the school library and not leave all day.

And then it will be Monday and a whole new week of school fun will start.

So really, Friday night is the only night possible that S and I could hang out. And man, does that make me happy. I'm so glad that my life finally got busy enough that I don't have to hang around being all stupid and emotional. After all, if he's not emotionally invested (and it really doesn't appear that he is, since he hasn't called or emailed me!) then why should I waste the time or the energy or the fabulousness that is me?

I do still wish that it were different. But if wishes were horses then beggars would ride.

New plan still working out well. No stress. No wondering what the fuck. I'm sleeping!!

I sent him an email today, just saying that I was thinking about him and hoping he was feeling better.

I have plans for tomorrow night, and Saturday night, and Sunday during the day, and most likely Sunday night as well, so even if I were to hear from him, I wouldn't be able to hang out. Thank goodness for school starting up and life getting busy again.

Still, it would be nice to have sex again soon. It's been two weeks, and that is one and a half weeks too long, in my humble opinion.

But I think I may possibly have learned patience, somewhere along the line.

And best of all, I talked to R tonight on the phone and told him the new plan and how I felt about everything and his words: "You're gonna be all right, kiddo." That is such a long way from how I was when we met and I was fucked up and a total basketcase. In fact, he often wondered to me how I managed to get along because I was so incredibly stupid. *lol* Sounds really harsh but actually wasn't. Besides, when I look back, 'they call that retrospect', I was stupid. I really have come a long way in my personal growth, and I can attribute a lot of that to R's teachings. I don't remember if I wrote this in an earlier entry, but R said to me the other night, "If S and I ever meet, he should thank you." And honestly, it's true. I am going to be able to deal with this 'relationship' or whatever it is solely because of my ability to look at my experiences and my emotions in the way that R taught me.

I don't think that S and R will ever meet. I wouldn't really want them to. R is like my dirty little secret (and I'm his) that no one knows about, so it's not like I would plan for them to meet. But on my own behalf, R, I say thank you for taking the time to sort out a stupid, over-emotional idiot and teaching her how to be a rational adult in relationships. It still takes me awhile to get there (as evidenced by the past two months of entries here) but I get there eventually. And two months is a hell of a lot better than two years. *grin*

The new plan is great.

I phoned S yesterday because the bridge traffic was horrific, yet again. He was home sick so I offered to go pick him up anything he needed from the store. He told me that he's actually an independent sick person, which used to drive his wife crazy because he would pamper her if she was sick but if he got sick he would basically tell her to leave the house and stop driving him crazy. (I took this as him telling me not to be offended that he didn't want me to do anything for him - that it wasn't anything personal towards me).

I said, "I hope I'm not driving you crazy with all these phone calls but it's just whenever I call, you're always already busy and I really want us to hang out so I keep phoning... but I hope that you don't look at your phone and think 'Fuck, she's calling me again!'"

His response: "I always answer my phone when you call, don't I?"

And that is all the reassurance I needed to hear. I don't feel like I need to probe it for anything else. It will be what it will be, and if it grows into a relationship, that would be awesome. If it doesn't - if the only thing we ever are to each other is fuck buddies - then I will enjoy every minute of it.

He did say something about how he's been in a selfish place for the past while (not his exact words but I don't remember what those were) which I also took to be a good sign. In my experience, truly selfish people don't recognize that they are selfish because they are incapable of looking at their own behaviour from an outsider's point of view. It is only people who are usually not selfish that can recognize that they have been behaving as such. I know that when I have gone through breakups I have had selfish periods and maybe this is what this is for him.

Yes, the hope is still there. I can't help it. But just because in my perfect world we do end up in a relationship, that doesn't mean that I can't be happy with what it is. I have been so less stressed since two days ago when I decided to stop the bullshit. I can sleep. I can think about him without wanting to cry. It's good.

It's funny, because it is that I have let go of expectations, but instead of being on his terms, I have let them go on mine, and that has made all the difference.

I talked to Guns tonight and I said that I hate playing games. It's not me. It makes me anxious and irritable and unhappy. If he's leaving Vancouver I think I would be more upset that I didn't just spend whatever time I could with him, regardless of whether it's initiated by me or not.

I'm going to take him at his word that he will be blunt and tell me if I am pissing him off or he wants me to fuck off. Since that hasn't happened, I am going to assume it's all good.

So I called him. Again, he was busy with his Japanese buddy but again, he answered the phone. When I got all flustered that he was busy he said it was okay and he could talk for a minute. I told him I was getting frustrated over here and he said, "Oh yeah? What kind of frustration?" and I replied, "Sexual..." He laughed and tried to convince me that I was on speakerphone, to which I replied that I walk around parties wearing only panties. It's kinda late for me to act shy!

Anyway, I said that it would be great for us to hook up and he said he would call me later. I said, "Later tonight or later this week?" and his response was, "Um ... yes." That's turning into a joke between us - every time I give him an option he just says yes. I asked if he actually thought he was going to call me tonight because if not I was probably going to go to bed early (yeah right - it's almost midnight - oops) and he said probably not because he does have to work tomorrow.

So. The new plan. Tomorrow is going to be a very long, busy day, unless it actually does snow 10-15 cm which is what the Weather Network is predicting, in which case it will be long, boring day. Wednesday I have martial arts in the evening. I have figured out that I need to call him earlier in the evening before anyone else has had a chance to make plans with him. So, Thursday when I am done school, around 5ish, I am going to call him and see what he's doing and hopefully, hopefully, hang out, have some dinner, and have sex.

The new plan means taking what I can and not being all emotional about what I can't. If this is meant to only be a casual thing then I will have as much fun with it as I can before I have to say goodbye. If it turns into something serious then it will do that in its own way, on its own time.

I am reminded so much of my relationship with G, and how eventually it came into being a silently acknowledged thing between the two of us that there was a "thing". Never his girlfriend but definitely his woman. And the end result of that relationship was him telling me he loved me ... and me walking away because I was so tired from the battle to get there. But if I could get him, I can get S.

And if the only way I can have him is like this, then I'm taking it. After I talked to him I felt more settled and less jumpy. As much as I wanted to know how long it would take him, I just can't wait to see. I figure I will just ask him if he'll let me know if I'm pissing him off or being too pushy. I'll let him know that so long as he doesn't say anything I will assume that my behaviour doesn't cross any of his self-protection boundaries but that if he does start to feel hounded or pressured that he should please just tell me because guess what - I can't figure him out! In fact, I think I can use that to start the conversation off ... I'll say something like, "Hey, you know how you said that I would never figure you out? Well, you're right. So can you help me out with something?" He hasn't had a problem with me asking any questions so far, so I'll just come right out and ask him what's up.

In the past 60 hours I have had approximately 8 hours of sleep so I think it's time to go to bed. And now that I'm not trying to be someone I'm not but rather just accepting myself for how I am and accepting the world for what's in it, I think I will finally be able to fall asleep.

And so it comes down to this:

I know what I am worth, and I will not settle for less.

No phone call.

I spent the evening watching "Bandits" which I thoroughly enjoyed, and then I had planned to watch the Simpsons, Family Guy, and whatever the funny show is that is after that, then go to bed, because I knew that I wouldn't get a phone call. However, Fox and Global had different plans and they were showing the premiere of 24, which I don't watch. There was nothing else on tv that I was remotely interested in watching so I decided to go for a drive.

I ended up phoning Y and going over there on the pretext that I wanted a smoking buddy. Well, true, but I also wanted someone to talk to - about anything - that would keep me from looking at the time and my silent phone.

It's midnight and I just got home. I have to get up early for work, and then head straight to school afterwards, and I don't feel like I'm going to be able to sleep, but I'm going to go try.

I feel disappointed that my expectation of no phone call was met. Even though I knew that it wouldn't happen, there was a piece of me that was hoping he would prove me wrong. Y asked me tonight if all this is worth it and I'm not yet at the point where I say no, but I guess depending on how long it goes before he makes contact, I may change my mind.

There are just too many unanswered questions that I cannot ask. If he is who he says he is and the reason he's being like this is because of his memory and because he is just getting out of the divorce, then I could see a future if I'm patient. But as R was quick to remind me, "Don't trust anyone." It could all be a lie. He could have just been looking for a quick piece of ass and now isn't interested. He may be somewhat interested but not in anything serious. He might just not be that into me. And all I want to know is: Am I wasting my time? I can be patient if that's what is required but I don't want to hang on if there is no chance. I don't want a repeat of the A situation where, in R's words, I was banging my head against a wall that was never going to come down. If I'm wasting my time then I can walk away or try to be content with simply having a booty call with the best sex I've ever experienced. But if there is a chance that this could develop ...

*sigh* I feel determined this time about not phoning him. I really want to see how long it takes him to initiate contact. He's said that he's a blunt guy who says what he means and I would think that if he wanted me to fuck off he would have just said so, but I also want to know just how long it takes before he thinks of me, independent of any cues from me to do so. I just really hope that it doesn't drag out for ages.

Fuck! I just want to fucking know! Arghhh!!!!!!

I said to Guns as we were driving back to her place today after coffee: "Ten bucks says he doesn't call." She didn't say anything, which made me laugh and say, "Well, since you agree with me, that's not a bet you should take!"

But seriously - I don't think he's going to call. And surprisingly, I feel okay about it. Strange, I know. Maybe resigned?

I asked Guns, "Why can't it just be simple? Why does it always have to be so fucking difficult?"

Neither of us have an answer to that question, although she did point out that if it was easy, we would probably be married by now. That made both of us laugh since neither one of us has ever been in a relationship that we wanted to move in that direction.

Until now, anyway. Dammit.

And men say that women are complicated? I don't bloody think so!

Y called me last night around 4:30 in response to the emo text I sent her before S called. She was checking in to see if I was all right. I told her the whole situation and her advice - don't phone him. Make him put in the effort to see me. Don't remind him about the movie tonight or send him a text or anything. After all, weren't our mothers right when they said that men won't buy the cow if they can get the milk for free? She also counseled me not to bring it up. Not to bother "having the conversation". I agree if he is planning on moving to the Northwest Territory for awhile because clearly there will be no relationship while he's gone. Yeah, I'd like to keep in touch, but that's about it. But if he stays in Vancouver, there will have to be some kind of conversation because I don't want to feel like I am an afterthought or no thought in his mind. There's no point to that.

I felt a lot better after talking to Y, even though she didn't say anything that I hadn't already thought to myself. But as she said, sometimes it's nice to throw things at a sounding board and see how they come back.

I just wish I had managed to get to sleep before 5am. It wouldn't matter so much except that I have to work tomorrow at 5:30am and so I hope I can sleep tonight. This whole no exercise thing because of my ankle is fucking with my sleep situation. I want to get in to my chiropractor on Wednesday and see what he thinks. The damn thing is still slightly swollen although the bruising has almost disappeared. But it starts to ache if I have to stand on it for long lengths of time, and I start to limp a little if I walk on it for anything longer than about 2 minutes. So frustrating because today is one of my favourite kind of days - sunny and clear but cold - and I would love to go walking with a coffee but alas, not for me.

I just lost a long entry. I don't know what happened - I hit the shift key and it disappeared.

I've already got most of my catharsis out from writing it, but here's the basics:

I called S at 12:15 to see what he was going to do. He said that he was really drunk, and that he would probably crash at his buddy's house. I offered to come pick him up and he said that he would phone me when they got outside. I asked if he would remember and he said yes.

45 minutes went by and nothing, so I phone him again at 1 and left a light, non-accusatory message on his voice mail, saying that I was still open to coming and picking him up, and that maybe we could have some sexy action in the morning since if he was that drunk he probably just wanted to pass out tonight. I asked him to call me back and let me know.

I should have left it there. I realize that. But 15 minutes went by and still nothing, and I was wondering if I should just go to bed. I should have gone to bed. Instead, I phoned again. It rang twice, then connected and there was a bunch of beeping that sounded like numbers being pushed. I said hello a couple times, then I heard S say, "She won't stop calling me!" and his buddy said something about the phone, and then it disconnected.

That was an hour ago. Of course I have not heard anything from him. In the past hour I have come to realize that his behaviour is incredibly selfish. The whole "no plans, no expectations" thing is selfish. Saying he'll call and then not calling is selfish because it leaves me hanging and not knowing what is going on. Take the day before he left for Ontario. Totally selfish - left me hanging all day and the whole evening when he went to the hospital. He could have called me and let me know but it didn't cross his mind. Why would it, if he is an inherently selfish person? And he must be, because even if he's going through a selfish phase after splitting with his wife (as I have done in the past where the only needs I want to consider for the time being are my own) he should still have the common courtesy to let me know what the fuck is going on, instead of just leaving it up in the air for me to figure out.

Wow. I'm way more pissed writing it this time. It's like I've had more time to mull it over and see that his behaviour is the one that is crossing the line, not mine. Sure, maybe I shouldn't have called that last time. But if he had the common courtesy to tell me that he's staying at his buddy's house then I wouldn't have felt the need to continue to ask the question!

So. Tomorrow I plan to drive by his house and if his truck is there, call him and ask if I can stop by for a moment. And then I want to ask him if he wants to take this opportunity to tell me to fuck off. He says that he's blunt and he says what he means - then lets do that. I hope that he doesn't want me to just go away, and I also hope that he can appreciate my point of view that I'm feeling like he has absolutely no interest because he never initiates anything. But I think that tomorrow will be the end of it because even the greatest sex of my life cannot make up for a person not really being interested in me. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him, and I'm not getting that feeling at all.

I feel sad. I really thought that he was different. I thought this would be something. And maybe it could have been, given different timing. Maybe it's possible to find someone who ...

Update: it's 2:22 and he just called. How crazy! He said that he's at his buddy's house and he can't move and he can't drive so he's crashing there. I said that that sounded like a good plan and that I appreciated that he had called me back. He said that he figured I would still be awake so he thought he would call and let me know. Wow. Unexpected! I said that I had wanted to hang out but clearly tonight was not the night, and that if he's in the state that it seems, he wouldn't be able to do the things that I want for him to do. He laughed and said no. I asked if he got my email about 007 and he said no and asked what it said. I told him I had wanted to put the bug in his ear about going to see 007 on Sunday and he said, "That sounds great." I asked if he gets hangovers and he said no. Then he said that it wasn't the beer that was making him this way, it was the last joint they were going to smoke. I giggled and asked if I should phone him tomorrow. He said no, that he has to help a buddy in the afternoon but he would phone me afterwards. I said okay, told him to sleep well, and that I would talk to him tomorrow.

So now I'm confused. That conversation was just like all the others - giggly, a little flirty - not a conversation that you have with someone that you don't want to call you anymore. I think I still need to have a conversation with him about why I feel the need to call multiple times, and that he either has to give me some reassurance in the form of not forgetting about me a few times, or realize that I like to know what's going on.

I think tomorrow I will send him a text: "just in case you were too stoned to remember the possibility of 007 with me tonight ... call me when you're done helping your buddy out. :)"

I'm glad I didn't smoke a gazillion cigarettes the past hour and I'm really glad that he called. What a fucking rollercoaster.

I emailed S a few days ago to throw out the idea of going to see the 007 movie on Sunday. I said, "I know, I know, no plans, no expectations, but I figured I would throw it out there and put a bug in your ear to make you think about it. So ... think about it and give me a call."

I meant to not phone him and see if he would phone me but we all know I suck at this. So tonight I left the Hockey Day in Canada gathering that I was at around 10 and I called him. He was out at some Irish pub with his boss (which one? I dunno) having some drinks, to which I expressed disappointment because I wanted to go over to his house and hang out. That was code for have sex. Man do I want to have sex with him. It's just that good. Anyway, he said that if he went home tonight, he would call me.

It's now almost 11:30 and of course I haven't heard from him yet, and I kinda want to call him again because I really want to see him tonight. But I don't want to be the stalker ... hmm. Pubs close at midnight, so maybe just after 12 I'll text him and say I'm still up, just in case he was wondering ... and maybe write something sex-related so he gets where I'm going with this. Or maybe I'll phone him just after midnight and say that I thought maybe he had forgotten about me ... not a stretch, by any means.

That leaves me with half an hour to kill. I could do homework but I think instead I will have a shower and shave - just to be on the safe side. I don't really think I will be going over there tonight but if I do, I want to absolutely knock his socks off and I can't do that if I'm not feeling at my absolute most sexy. Therefore - no hair. Off I go.

I wrote about expectations a few weeks ago, about how if one keeps one's expectations low or non-existant, then one cannot be disappointed.

But I wonder, am I really getting rid of the expectations or am I fooling myself into thinking that I am not disappointed when my expectations are not met?

They are not high. They are almost as low as they could possibly be without being non-existant, but they are still there. And every time they are not fulfilled, I try to explain to myself that it's my fault for having the expectation in the first place. I know the score - take it or leave it, this is the way that it is.

But maybe ... I'm worth having expectations? I dunno.

And that's what scares me - that I can question my self-worth over something so ... intangible.

I saw S tonight. Traffic was terrible and so I called to see what he was up to, hoping I could drop by and hang out for an hour or so before heading across the bridge. He was home but was planning to go to the store, but he said no problem, come on by. When I got there, he was on the phone with a friend, and in the course of the conversation that I overheard, he asked his buddy to find him a female Japanese roommate. Hmmm.

He got off the phone and asked if I would like to go to a movie, specifically "Night at the Museum", because he knows some of the guys who worked on it. I said sure, so off we went. He told me on the way to the theatre that he is thinking of going to work in the Northwest Territory at the diamond mines because they are looking for drivers. Dammit. There's no work here and there's no work in TO, so he's scouting out to see where he can make money, and since they pay for room and board while you're up there, everything is spending money. He still says that he wants to make Vancouver his base, but who knows. Definitely time to start disattaching.

We giggled our way through the movie and then headed back to his house. On the way home, I asked him what was necessary to get him to smack me around a bit. He hemmed and hawed a bit, but I told him I didn't want any "dodge and evade" tactics. He tried to pretend that he doesn't use them but please! We both know he does! He finally said that it has to be spontaneous because otherwise it takes the sting out of it, "you know?" I said, "Mm, no not really, but okay..." He replied, "But don't let this stop you from getting others to smack you around." I reassured him that I was not worried on that point but that I wanted to know what it was like with him. Ohhhh...

He invited me in for tea, so we sat and drank green tea and talked some more about cooking, one of his main passions. I said that I thought it would be fun if we could cook together, so that I could try some of these recipes, got 'the look', and said that I knew it wouldn't happen, just that I thought it would be fun.

While I was sitting there I realized that I couldn't handle it if I were to get rejected again, so I decided that I would leave before he kicked me out or it became an issue. Also, I'm staying at the parents' house tonight and my mother would have started to wonder what had happened to me if I never came over. So after multiple tiny cups of green tea, I said that I should get going and put my shoes and my jacket on, and hoisted my backpack up. And then we got into an actual conversation because he asked where my parents live and so we talked about the area (he's visited the parks close by so he had reference) and then we talked about why my dad had to go back east (to visit his mother who is not doing so well in a nursing home) and then we talked about how he wants to go (in Thailand, get shot and put on a raft and set afire, like a Viking-type thing) and how he doesn't want a funeral. Kinda weird stuff but actual conversation, not filler stuff like we had been doing the whole time over tea.

He hauled himself to his feet and said, "You're making me get up, hey?" so I quipped, "Well if I can't get you up one way, I'll do it another." It took him a second to get it, but he chuckled and gave me a smoochy-kiss goodbye. I said, again, "Call me if you go to Cuba!" and he said, "I'll call you from Cuba!" Ha ha. He said for me to drive safely, and that was it.

The strange thing was, I really didn't feel any sexual tension between us the whole night. Guns thinks I'm being greedy because before I was saying that I wanted us to hang out and not just have sex and now that that has happened, I'm complaining, but it did feel a little strange tonight. Could have been because he's tired and sore, and so am I. Still gimpy. Limped my way around school today and it wasn't the greatest thing ever, let me tell you.

It just concerns me that the last two times we've hung out, there's been no sex. I even said, while we were drinking our tea, that I felt like I had to take advantage of him for the rest of the time he's in Vancouver because then he'll be off who knows where and back who knows when, but nothing came of that comment.

I know I'm being too pessimistic. I think I need to get some sleep, and it would be nice to no longer be in pain. I'm going to my chiropractor tomorrow to get "unkinked," as I said to S, who said, "That's not really possible now is it?" Guns thinks that maybe he's not as experienced as me (even though I'm not really that experienced but I talk a good game) and so maybe he doesn't want to come across as unexperienced and maybe he's more comfortable doing it as part of sex (like the night before he left town) as opposed to a scene. I dunno. Gotta play it by ear. I just would like some more sex because the sex is just so fucking good! Although if I think about it, he hasn't even been back in town for a week. Maybe I need to just calm down.

I caved. Who's surprised? Not me.

However, it was because I had to literally shove my casual fuck buddy out the door tonight after he came by to visit and try very sneakily to get me into bed. I was having none of it. I explained the situation, got his advice on it which is always extremely helpful, and then told him that if I want S to be worthy of trust, I have to be trustworthy as well, and I sure wouldn't feel trustworthy if I had sex with someone else right now.

Besides, the only person I want to have sex with is S. The idea of having it with anyone else makes me feel kinda squicky. And it was nice to have the upper hand on R for a change and to stand my ground and say no.

His advice was the same as Y's: tread softly. Don't get too involved until the divorce papers are signed. And don't trust anyone. That last one is always reiterated because I used to have the opposite problem than I do now - I used to trust blindly and got hurt badly because of it, and R was the one who picked up the pieces and put them back together for me.

Anyway, he left and I felt like I really wanted to talk to S because here I had turned down something because of him, and I wanted to reassure myself that it's worth it. He sounded really happy to hear from me, but it was a quick conversation because he was downtown with a buddy, getting ready for a night of heavy drinking. His buddy has some pregnancy issues and apparently called S up and said, "Lets go drink." I didn't keep him on the phone because I didn't want to intrude, and again, I don't want him to feel like I'm holding him back or tying him down. I did ask about Cuba but he said he would know tomorrow and it would be a last minute thing. He said he'll call me when he knows what's up so maybe this time I can wait for him to call me ...

Wishful thinking, probably. I have just so much patience and then I have none, and it seems I hit the "no more patience" zone before he thinks to call me. *sigh* The good news is, he sounded happy to hear from me. I really need to stop stressing out and just take it as it comes. Does there need to be more than that he was happy to hear from me? Right now, no. It's enough. It's making me smile.

School starts today. Good thing, because now I will have something to occupy my time and my thoughts, other than just going 'round in circles thinking about S.

Day 3 begins. My prediction: no phone call.

Watched the game again at Y and M's house tonight. It's becoming a ritual, and one that I'm liking! She had said that she had work to do and so I had to leave right after the game, which I was willing to do ... but then we started talking and I didn't leave until after 1am. Oops. It was a good conversation though, and one that I really needed to have. It was mostly about family stuff and relationships within the family, and she gave me some good advice about how to talk to my mother. We'll see how well that goes. My dad is out of town from Tuesday to Saturday and I will be staying at the house to help look after the dog, so we'll be spending some time together. Of course, school starts tomorrow (well, actually later today) so I will be gone for a lot of the time.

Y gave me some advice about S, though, when he came up in the conversation right at the end. "Tread lightly." I think it may be a case of right guy, wrong time, but who knows. She agrees that I shouldn't call him and I should wait for him to call me. I'm trying to think of a time when he called me unexpectedly, but even when he was away and called, it was because he had said he was going to and then I reminded him. This time, I really want to see how long it takes him to call. I want to see if he goes to Cuba and doesn't let me know. Basically, I want to see where I stand. I'm not asking for much. I would just like to know that I'm in his thoughts sometimes and that the interest is not all on my side.

Logically, I know it isn't. I know he's interested and I know he's attracted. But emotionally, it's way more tricky than that, and I need a little reassurance.

I didn't call him today. He hasn't called me. He doesn't even know that I sprained my ankle.

But, I said I was going to wait for him to call me, and I'm sticking to it.

Thank god there is a hockey game tonight and I'm headed over to Y and M's house again. It will occupy my time until I have to go to bed, which will mean I should be able to make it through the day without caving.

Hopefully.

I sprained my ankle at the dojo today and it's fucking huge. Gigantic. Hurts like a mother fucker. I can't walk on it at all; instead, I'm reduced to hopping on my left foot or crawling.

When I posted in my other blog, I got a comment asking why S wasn't here looking after me. My response was something along the lines of "I'm a strong woman - I don't need a guy to look after me."

But the real reason? I was afraid that if I asked, he might say no. And since my philosophy is not to ask the question if you can't handle the answer, I chose not to phone.

Trust? Abandonment? I dunno.

But I do know that I'm not ready for my heart to get broken. Once before I asked a boyfriend, one who professed to love me and wanted to marry me, for help in a moment of need, and I was severely let down. That left its mark on me and it's very difficult for me to ask for help from men that I am interested in because I am so afraid of being let down again. I would rather live with the fantasy that he would have come to help me rather than know the reality where he might not have.

Cowardly? Perhaps. Self preservation for sure.

I'm going to crawl to bed now. Fingers crossed I feel better tomorrow.

Two more things to add:

When he was getting me off two nights ago, while I was scratching his back, he told me "Shh!" I had mentioned how hot the "don't talk; don't move" scenario had been, and I guess I am pretty loud. I really can't help it though. To help me out, at one point he had his free hand tangled in my hair and he pushed my head down on his cock so that I couldn't breathe, let alone make any sounds. He had to tell me "Shh!" a few times - usually when he gives me an order I try to carry it through until I know that it no longer applies, but that night I kept forgetting and being loud again.

The next morning I woke him up by scratching his back. I really like doing it because I know he enjoys it so much. Anyway, he got me going, then ordered me to play with myself but not to cum, while he put a condom on. Then he placed both of my hands on my groin and pulled up so that my clit was exposed. As he thrust inside me, missionary style, he clamped his hand over my mouth to stifle any sounds I may have been making. That hand stayed there until he came and we were finished. That was hot too.

And now I'm excited and I have no idea when I will be getting some more of the yummy sex. Please maybe tomorrow...

All good things must come to an end

I'm being melodramatic but still.

We spent yesterday afternoon and night together, and went out for breakfast today. Not only that, but he agreed to come watch the game with myself, Y, and M. Fantastic. Y had cooked a pork roast with veggies and coconut rice, and S decided that he wanted to do dessert so we got the groceries and headed over there.

We were fairly flirty with each other - or at least, I was flirting with him. He was ... flirting but in a "don't irritate me anymore" kind of way. For example, I pinched him when he said something (probably to make fun of me *lol*) and so he grabbed my inner thigh. Hard, so hard, that it feels bruised even now. When I pinched him again, he put me in a wrist lock and said, "No more pinching." I know that tone of voice - keep pushing the line if you want the consequences. I didn't. I was feeling ... something, that made me not want to push that line too far.

He made dessert and not only was I not allowed to help, I was banished to the living room. I was standing in the kitchen with Y, looking at the frog, but it was allowed because I wasn't watching what he was doing or interfering. I tried to snag a piece of pineapple off the plate and he pretended to spear me. When I continued to stand there, peering around the corner and watching him, I got the raised eyebrow and the nod of the head to the living room. I went.

After dessert, I asked if he would come down to the dungeon with me to look at the spanking bench. I wanted to know if it could be altered so that the pieces moved, allowing for different sized spankers to fit comfortably. This particular bench was created for Y specially so it fits her dimensions but it's slightly too big for me. I draped myself over the bench to demonstrate how I wanted it to be moved, and he simply said that yes, it could be made like that, and then moved to the door. I said, in a slightly pouting tone, "You missed a golden opportunity there." His response: "What, to spank you? Not so much missed as ... declined." That sounds a lot meaner in writing than it did when he said it - it was said in a flirty, keep me wanting it kind of tone. However, as I pointed out to him, I was promised a spanking for picking him up at the airport yesterday, and I still have not collected. He didn't respond and I didn't push it.

There was something earlier but I don't remember exactly. (I smoked a joint with my upstairs neighbour so I'm a little stoned at the moment.) I think it was when he was duplicating the wrist grabs that I absolutely cannot free myself and I said that I was going to learn how to get free from it, and he said, "Oh you think so, do you? But you don't choose when you get free, do you? I do." That was pretty hot, actually.

I already knew that I wasn't staying the night with him. He had told me that right at the beginning of the night that he may have work for tomorrow and his buddy or boss or whoever is going to call him in the morning and let him know. He's also still feeling on Ontario time which would mean that we got up around 11 but we also left Y and M's house at 2. He said he was still pretty tired when we were in the truck on the way back to his house. I took a breath and a chance and asked what the chances were of me staying for a little while at his house, taking my clothes off and romping around with him on the bed. He said, "Honestly?" I raised my hands in disgust although I think it came across as, "Please," and he said, "No. I don't want it."

I'm trying to stay rational here. I know that he is the type of person who simply says it how it is, and that he didn't mean for it to sting the way it did. It's just - I don't want it and I don't want you are pretty much interchangeable in this sentence and that is hurting a little. I feel as though perhaps I was a little too blatant tonight in my flirting (although the night he met me I was wearing hardly any clothes and I was flirting hard that night) or perhaps the unintentional comments from M and Y made him uncomfortable. Y said that we might as well have been together as long as Y and M because we fight the same. Right now we are fighting over who gets custody of the phrase, "I'm just sayin'" which it is possible that I stole from him and didn't realize it but I like it and I don't want to have to stop using it. He says I must have stolen it from him because he's older, to which I had no comeback at all. I hate it when he does that!! *grin* He said at one point, "I am not hanging out with you tomorrow! This is too much!" when I was using the phrase but accidentally, not even meant to get at him.

(Just as an aside, on a positive note, I know he mentioned me to his mother, because he said that he told her about us sparring together [which was more like him beating up on me and me giggling and trying to get free]. She asked if he hurt me and he said of course not. From how he talks about his mother, it seems as though lying or evading the truth is not an option, so I wonder if she asked if he had met anyone out here and perhaps that's how I came up. I like to think so, anyway.)

He also said that he might be going to Cuba next week with his boss because the movie has most likely been pushed back. I shrugged my shoulders and dealt with it because clearly, if I want to be with him when he's in the city, I can't be a nag about how much time he spends here. I just have to enjoy what I can get.

When we got to his house, I had to come in and grab a small toiletries bag that I had brought before I knew that I wouldn't be spending the night. I didn't bother to take off my shoes or anything, and I was standing in the entryway, trying to control my voice so that he wouldn't realize that he had hurt my feelings by not wanting to have sex with me. First, I don't want him to ever feel bad about telling me the truth. I would much rather come home alone and unsatisfied than find out that he just did it because I wanted it, not because he was into it. Second, I believe that if you ask a question, you must be prepared to deal with any answer you get. I was not prepared for him to not want to have sex, so his response caught me by surprise, but I consider this to be part of taking personal responsibility and so my response is mine to deal with. I didn't want it to come across as a guilt trip or anything. So, I said goodnight and he came over and kissed me - smoochy-type kiss - and I said, "Call me if you go to Cuba." He said, "I'll call you before that," and then kissed me again. I smiled and left, and although I felt like I might cry in the car, I didn't.

That could also be because I'm pretty tired. I'm not used to sharing a bed with anyone, so that kept me up a bit. Also we went to bed at 10pm Vancouver time and I haven't gone to bed that early in a long while, and I also have this annoying habit right now of waking up after about 4 hours of sleep and feeling wide awake. I just lie there until I fall asleep again but last night that was pretty frustrating. I know that things will look better in the morning and I will be able to see his comment in the spirit it was intended - "I'm not into it, not feeling horny, don't have enough energy, I'm too tired, I simply want to have my bed to myself for the first time since coming home." I know that I haven't done anything gigantic that would cause him to not want to see me anymore (like I said, I was pushing to a point, but it was pretty far away from where I would normally have tried to go) and he did kiss me goodnight and say that he'd call.

And so help me god, I am going to let him call me. I am going to take him out of my phone again and I am not going to cave this time. He knows I'm interested but he made an interesting comment yesterday, talking about a buddy of his and a girl that went on a date with him, and apparently she was saying all kinds of things like, "I've loved you forever. I'm so glad we've finally got together," and S was really unimpressed by this. His idea seems to be that it's not necessary to throw it all out there and that it's good to leave some things hidden or mysterious. Therefore, since he knows that I'm hugely interested, he knows that I am loving the sex, and he knows that I want for us to play, I'm going to let him initiate.

I keep thinking of things that I want to write down because I don't want to forget them, but they don't belong here in the narrative. However, I'm going to add them so that I don't forget.

#1: Last night, here at my house, I showed him my toys. While I was getting things organized to leave, he came into my bedroom and picked up my flogger and smacked the end into his hand. It made me shudder because I *love* that sound. Then he picked up my slapper, pushed me down face first on the bed with my feet still on the floor, and hit me three times with it. His comment, "I like the way it sounds." I was already getting away from being able to talk. It's like as soon as he touches me, in any way, I drop into subspace. It's quite crazy. And then he said, "Lets go," and I had to haul myself back up again and try to be normal. I think he finds it amusing.

#2: Last night we were lying in bed, naked except for my panties (which I showed to him and got, "They're alright." Grrrr!) and I was stroking and scratching his back which he loves. Suddenly, he grabbed my hair and brought my lips to his and kissed me, then proceeded to bite my lower lip so hard that it made me whimper. He did it four times, then suddenly released me and said, "Use both hands on my back," and turned his head away from me. I had dropped so far into subspace at that point that I could barely breathe, let alone respond, let alone do anything but obey. I *love* being there. He stretched his arm back and got under my panties and worked his magic. He ended up flipping over and I got to do some cock worship (which I wish I was allowed to do more of, but he's the boss) and then ended up straddling him, facing his feet. He stripped the panties off me and then was lightly spanking me, then spanking my pussy, and then using his cock to spank my clit. I was writhing around all over the place, and I'm not sure exactly what happened (because I was stoned and a little boozy) but it felt like he inserted. However, every other time, including this morning, he used a condom and I know he didn't use one this time because I was sliding back and forth to use the friction to cum, and sudddenly, he came. I didn't even realize exactly what had happened until he said, "I don't know what the hell you just did ..." I waited for him to say something else but he didn't so I asked, "Was it good?" His response, "Well you made me cum, so yeah I'd say it was good." I'm not worried about pregnancy because I'm on the pill but I am concerned about sexual health and I wanted to talk to him tonight but there wasn't a good time to bring it up.

I need to go get tested again, because it's been a year since Guns and I went and got the full tests done. I want to know when his last test was, and whether we are monogamous right now or what, and what that includes. I didn't think I was going to have that conversation right away but if things like last night happen, then we must be fluid bonded. Otherwise, his unwrapped cock cannot come anywhere near my naughty bits. I can't take that chance. The thing is, I want to fluid bond with him, so it works out for me.

I would like to have that cleared up before he goes to Cuba, if he actually is going to go. Damn, if he goes to Cuba now for a week or two, and goes to work back in Ontario or the oil fields for March and April, I'm barely going to see him. When we were in the grocery store, he made an innuendo to me about it being easy to make me cum and I knocked something off the shelf because I stopped concentrating. I said that it's only when he tries hard that he gets any response and he said, "Do you really think I try that hard? And look at you, you can't even walk straight just from thinking about it!" That's when I said that I plan to spend as much time with him as I can between now and Monday, when school starts, because after that, who knows? Work here, Cuba, work elsewhere...

He also made an innuendo in the liquor store last night. We were looking at the different kinds of Saki and he was comparing a few kinds, and finally he asked my opinion and I said that I would bow to his superior experience. He said, "It's not the first time you've done that, is it?" I laughed and asked him, "Why is it that I feel like my face is bright red?" and lo and behold, I was blushing.

Okay, so this post has done what I wanted it to do. There is so much positive here that I can't allow myself to go to bed thinking that it's a negative situation. He was honest with me - he wasn't into it, for whatever reason, and he told me straight up. I appreciate the honesty and I appreciate the bluntness. He's interested, we're having a good time. It just wasn't happening for tonight but hey, there's always tomorrow.

I have had a great 24 hours.

Picked up S at the airport and we went for some food at a Cuban restaurant down on Commercial. We ended up drinking some wine back at his house, then heading over to my house for me to grab some stuff. He really liked my house, which was cool. I'm very proud of my house and the way it is decorated so it's nice when people appreciate it.

We bought a few bottles of Saki and another bottle of wine, and when we got back to his house we went for a walk around the block and smoked a joint. I haven't smoked pot since the summer so I got really stoned. It made me giggle a lot. Then we split one of the bottles of Saki - well, when I say split I mean he had most of it and I had two little glasses. I'm still undecided about whether I liked it or not.

And then, we had sex. Mmmmmm. Happy happy girl.

We fell asleep early because he is still on Eastern time, and woke up this morning about 7. Had some more yummy sex, then got up and went for coffee, then breakfast. He, of course, wanted to see if he could scrounge up some work for today or at least for starting Monday. Even though it's snowing down here right now which means it's dumping on the mountains, he'll still work this weekend if he can get some, rather than go use his new snowboard. I have to be impressed with his work ethic.

I'm hoping that he will be free this evening to watch the hockey game over at Y and M's house. It's pay-per-view against Edmonton and if we win, it takes us to 6 in a row. He's not much of a hockey fan but I'm hoping that he'll enjoy watching with us. I was explaining how goofy we get, which is no surprise to him. I think he thinks I'm already goofy, just as I am. *giggle* Getting stoned last night didn't change that opinion, let me tell you. I told him that Y and I were giggling over the idea of sex with a goalie because "they're so bendy!" and his comment was, "I'm just as bendy as a goalie, ya know." Yeah, I know. Have I mentioned YUM?

He kissed me goodbye after cleaning the snow off my car and getting it up the street for me, and making fun of me for being a typical Vancouver idiot in the snow, and he said he'll call me later. I figure that I'll give him until 5 and then I'll send him a text, reminding him about hockey and asking him to bring the wine. I really hope that he'll come because it would be awesome to hang out with him and Y and M. I think that Y and S will get along like a house on fire. They've already met at the party where I met S, but they haven't really had a chance to get to know each other, obviously.

He said, more than once, that he's so glad to be back in Vancouver. Even though his family and his friends are back in Ontario, he said that he feels like this is home to him. And that makes me feel very optimistic about the future.

I almost felt guilty when I woke up this morning and realized it was 11:30 - Y and L had been up and at work for a couple hours at that point and I didn't even get out of my pjs until 3pm. Lovely.

What was also lovely was getting an email from S with his flight info for tomorrow. Fucking yay! I pick him up at around 2pm which is good because hopefully he won't be too tired and we can hang out and make some dinner and have some yummy good sex. I'm loving the yummy good sex. *grin*

I went back to Y and M's tonight to watch the game - we won; 5 in a row now - and our friend Jamie was there too. After M left for work, the three of us played this hilarious PS2 game called Katamari where you are a little alien dude and you have to roll around this ball and pick up stuff. It's quite entertaining, especially after a few glasses of wine.

I made to my martial arts class tonight which was good - I wasn't sure if I was going to laze out on it. But as always, I was glad that I didn't. We were working on katas that whole class which is my favourite thing to do so even though I worked up quite a sweat (and regretted all those cigarettes) it was great.

The plan for tomorrow - get up at 8 and put laundry in. Snooze until it has to be switched to the drier, then get put another load in and get up. Clean the house, clean outside my house, take books back to the library, get coffee, stop off at WW to get weighed (it's gonna be ugly for the third week running but I'm dealing with it) and then head to the airport. Just in case we end up spending a bunch of time together and he comes back to my place at some point, I want it to be looking its best. I'm a bit of a freak like that. I can't stand to have people in my house until I know that it's spotless. Unfortunately, that means that I have to clean the bathroom, vacuum, wet and dry swiffer the hardwood, dust, do the dishes, take all the shit that piles up on my kitchen counter and redistribute it, and do my laundry.

On the plus side, it will be great to get this big clean done because I have been meaning to do it since my last exam finished, three weeks ago, and instead I have been surface cleaning a little as I go but not really getting down to business. Now I have a reason to get the place in shape.

One of my tips is that I set my timer for an hour, and I tell myself that I will only clean for an hour. However, once I start, my cleaning OCD kicks in and I don't want to stop, so when the timer goes off I ignore it and go on a rampage.

It will also help to occupy some of the 14 hours I have to go before seeing him at the airport.

I'm smitten. Does it show? *laughing*

Woo hoo!

S called me tonight.

I was over at Y and M's house, watching hockey, and my phone rang when the third period had just started. I looked at the call display and got a huge smile on my face when I realized it was an out-of-town area code. As soon as I picked up, M said, "Baby, come back to bed!" and Y chimed in with some other, admittedly funny, comments too. I was laughing but I decided to take the call into the kitchen and forego watching the rest of the game so that I could concentrate on S.

He sounded exhausted. I wanted to snuggle him, he sounded so tired. We talked for 33 minutes, according to my cell phone, and it was great. He hasn't booked a flight home yet but he wants to fly out on Thursday, regardless of what the cost will be. I told him that I have no plans so if he gets a flight that gets him in at 3 in the morning, that is no problem and I will be there to pick him up. He promised to email me as soon as he books the flight so that I know and can arrange it. I told him that he should nap on the plane because I don't plan to let him sleep right away when he gets home. *grin*

I also mentioned his mention of wanting to buy some hemp rope, and that T sells rope. I told him the price which is extremely reasonable because T is giving me a great discount - 30 feet of treated, ready to go hemp rope for $12.50. S wants to get some, so I plan to ask him how much he wants and then get the ball rolling on this. I said that the rope he used on me that last night before he left was fun but tends to leave rope burn if it's pulled off quickly and he said that he was just going with the moment. I hastened to add that it was awesome, and the "don't move, don't talk" bit was really great too, just in case he had missed it. I firmly believe in giving positive encouragement for sexual behaviour that one wants to have repeated. I can't expect him to read my mind and know how hot I thought that was - and I thought it was really fucking hot.

L showed up while I was on the phone, but it was good. Now that I don't have to be around her all the time, I don't mind spending time with her socially. M left for work and the three of us stayed up until 2am gossiping and chatting. It was really fun. And best of all, I got to run my insecurities about S and his (not yet final) divorce and all that jazz by Y, who is divorced and so is M, so she knows a bit more about how to handle it. She told me that she thinks S is giving me all the right signs that he's interested in more than just a fuck - for example, that he has said he wants to get married again and have kids, and the fact that he emailed me on Christmas and the fact that he called me tonight. In other words, shut up with the insecurities because it's going to be okay. She did have good advice about not moving too quickly; because he is just getting out of a long term relationship he may not want to dive into another serious relationship right away but so long as I don't put the pressure on, while maintaining my interest, then he hopefully won't get scared away. I'm up for the challenge.

Man, I hope he gets a flight for Thursday. That's only two more sleeps away and one of them I am about to do now. I am so tired and I smoked so many cigarettes tonight - I just want to fall into my bed and do nothing but breathe! *lol*

Immortal words from Bridget Jones' Diary

"I like you ... just the way you are."

He emailed me today.

Some family shit blew up, they have all been dealing with it, and everything has been put on the back burner. He apologized for being uncommunicative. He also said he wants to catch a flight out today and get the hell out. I can't help but be excited by that comment because it seems as though he has started to see Vancouver as his home. And it means that he would be home and not working right away, so maybe we could spend some time together. He had talked about taking me to Whistler and getting a hotel room with a jacuzzi, which of course I am all over like white on rice.

He said he would try to phone me today, and when I emailed him back I asked for him to let me know asap for when his flight gets in, so that I can arrange to go pick him up. I work tomorrow morning so I'm hoping he can't catch a flight until tomorrow sometime and then I would be done work for the week and able to pick him up and hopefully hang out for a bit after I get him home.

I still feel depressed because of what's going on with my mother, but I haven't figured out any way to deal with it yet. However, the longer it goes, the worse it will get, so maybe I need to just suck it up and head over there today and just have the conversation. It will be terrible but so will letting things deteriorate between us.

She's probably napping right now, so maybe I'll phone her after I have a shower and get the smell of stale cigarette smoke out of my hair. Now if I could just get it out of my lungs too ... no more smoking for me! I quit in February of 2006 but I am one of the people who can have one every once in a while and it doesn't make me start up whole hog again. But the last few days I have been smoking more, and last night I think I smoked close to half a pack, and now today I feel like gross.

Maybe I'll go to yoga tonight. I wonder if the class is cancelled because of New Year's Day and all.

Update:

Just called my mother, who first said she didn't want to talk to me today and then hung up the phone. Then she called back and said that it wasn't just me walking out last night - it was the fact that after I left, Dad called her a liar and said that she always says things and then twists them a few weeks later and he's sick of it and he doesn't want to hear it anymore. (Which is absolutely true, by the way. It's happened time and time again.) And then she told me that she doesn't want to live with him anymore because how on earth does someone you've known for 33 years call you a liar?

The interesting thing is, both Dad and I said that she said one thing and she said another. We both agreed that she had said that she never wanted to go back to this particular place, and she was insisting that she had said that she only didn't want to go back to the same place they stayed, but the town itself she wants to go back to. She said that he always tells her she said one thing when she knows she said another, and that he can never say to her, "Maybe I misunderstood." But why can't she ever say, "Maybe I didn't communicate it very well"?

I don't know what the hell I am going to do with this whole thing. I do know that I am not planning on talking to either parent for a couple days.

And for the record, it is now 4:23 am on January 1st and I still have not received an email or a phone call. I phoned him today, during a bad moment after I left my parents' house in tears after snapping at my mother, and I couldn't get in touch with Guns. I left him a message, very casual and upbeat, just saying hi, happy New Year's, hope he's having fun with his family and friends and it would be great to hear from him and see how he's doing.

And in return I got - nothing. If he doesn't send me something later on today, at a normal hour when people should be up (and not just getting home from their New Year's parties), I will be incredibly disappointed and it will most likely lead to another day like today, where I didn't get out of bed until 1pm, and then I lay on the couch for 2 hours, staring at the ceiling and listening to music. Very apathetic behaviour, and behaviour consistent with being depressed.

Would it be better to know that I am clinically depressed? Or is it better to think that it's something that I can manage on my own, if I could only get my shit in gear?

And boy, am I glad that I am having this episode this week instead of next when I go back to school. Hopefully it will have run its course by then and I will be back to normal. Or is that called denial? At this point, I just don't know.